Can I have some time alone?

Moments to yourself are like Pokemon: gotta catch 'em all

Mtv Sleep GIF by Geordie Shore

The activities that sound like a fun getaway break change drastically after you have a family, no? Here are some ways witchy moms have snuck in some selfish, luxurious, decadent time to themselves:

“Laundry. I put on Housewives and fold in our bedroom. I usually stay up there as long as possible until I get found out.”

“I have learned that when I put on music or an audiobook in the playroom, my daughter will play by herself at least twice as long than if the place is quiet. Yes, I devote a large amount of energy to escaping my daughter.”

“When I belonged to Lifetime Fitness, I would sometimes stick a kid or two in childcare and then sit on the sofa in the ladies room to watch The View in peace. Also, ditching my family who thought I was shoveling snow to go to a bar is up there.”

“I say yes to something that normally I would say no to. Like, ‘Yes! Definitely you can take 20 Tupperware containers of water out in the backyard to make a series of swimming pools for Barbies. Knock yourself out! And then I just close the screen door and watch a Bravo show.”

“I had to do a 15 minute run to Walgreens to pickup a prescription the other day. I drove there, sat in my car listening to a podcast for 30 min, got the prescription and drove home, blaming the pharmacist and long lines.”

“Dropping the toddler off at the gym’s babysitting play area, going straight to the ‘yoga room’ with all my street clothes still on, putting earplugs in, and napping in ‘savasana’ for 45 min.

“Last night I *jumped* at our neighbor's request to go over and ‘dog sit’ their elderly/confused dog for three hours. Sorry husband!  You're on homework/bedtime and lunch-packing because I'm such a good neighbor. Right, that's it.”

“If I’m home alone with my 15-month-old, I absolutely play podcasts (for me, not kid podcasts) and thereby essentially ignore her for a little bit. Can’t do this with the 5 year old, but the baby can’t talk enough to object yet and actually seems to like the random grown up voices? Especially if she’s in a clingy mood, I’m like, okay, you can suction cup to me but I’m still gonna be listening to West Wing Weekly.”

“Saying yes to volunteering at school shit that starts at 7 PM. Sorry I can't do bedtime tonight, I'm busy building my community.”

“Always scheduling my haircuts on a Thursday at 7 pm because I can work late, go right there, and then meet a friend after. If I get my haircut on a Saturday, I only get an hour off.”

“I went to the Y the other day, which was only a 20 minute run. I stopped off at TJ Maxx on the way there and Target with a Starbucks latte in hand, on the way back. My trip to the ‘gym’ was four hours.

“Pretend to take half-hour man shits when really I’m done in three minutes.”

“I did a comprehensive long-range plan for this winter: got my boys annual ski rentals at a place that gives a season ski pass to my husband’s favorite ski resort. Periodically, I use booking.com to get them a cheap hotel overnight there. I stay home with my daughter because she’s too young to ski. She takes naps, and so I get my own time alone in my house during nap time for a few weekends.”

“Volunteered to go pick up dinner even though it would have been just as easy to get it delivered because two kids have been sick back to back for two weeks. Plus, work has been mad crazy, and we are in the middle of an ‘Are we here for the long run or nah? We should review our budget and think about buying a house’ kind of argument so WINE while waiting for the food to be ready.”

“We kept our 5-year-old on the same ‘nap’ schedule as her baby sister until literally a month ago. She stopped napping when she was 2, but has gone in her room to play by herself for 2 hours every weekend afternoon that we're home since then. She FINALLY called our bluff: ‘You know, other kids don't have to stay in their rooms for such a long time...’ and I made a deal with her that she no longer has to be in her room unless she speaks to me during that time. So far it's working. (And she even voluntarily still goes to her room most afternoons since that's where her good markers are kept...)”

“Breastfeeding and pumping. A real benefit to having an unexpected third kid—no one else can do it, and when nature (ie newborn or full boobs) calls, I must answer. And as everyone knows, you need to be in a quiet, kid-free place with a book or TV show to successfully nurse/pump…”

“Divorcing my first husband.”


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I hope you enjoyed today’s issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers (and also non-mothers who get what .) Please pass it along if you know someone who'd like this sort of thing a few times a week. If Evil Witches has made you smile or nod or or forward or share or given you a good idea, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to support the work:

If you’re interested in writing a guest post, have a suggested topic or have any general questions or you can reply right to this newsletter. You can also follow us on Instagram and have witchy conversations on Twitter too:

This issue is brought to you by this footage from my house of some private time going awry:

The Dark Side strikes again.


One witchy thing

Nana Grandma GIF

A talent competition

Impress us.

Laugh Think GIF

My in laws were recently in town with us for five nights. The first three days of the visit my 4 year old was being extra in every capacity, which stressed everybody out and dragged down the whole operation for a couple of days.

I posted this to some friends:

Name one bad thing your kid is good at. J. is really good at taking everyone down with him when he's in a shit mood.

If I can count on you all for one thing it’s to make me feel less alone. Here are some bad skills our kids have honed of late:

“Ear-assaulting, piercing shriek for any minor injury so we are all immediately enraged.”

“Making a school day/camp day morning really tense and stressful for everyone.”

“Handing me old Kleenexes.”

“Getting what HE wants for meals. Everyone else be damned!”

“Slamming doors.”

“Empty threats. Like, ‘I'm never going to play with you again.’ I wish child, I wish.”

“Fucking jumping and hanging all over me all the time.”

“Staying up late and coming into my room to ‘Ask me a question.’”

“My son is a really great motivational speaker and very good at convincing his 3-year-old brother to do things that are annoying, destructive and/or dangerous.”

“My daughter is amazing at deflecting, like, when you ask her about something bad she might have done, she'll respond with, ‘Mom I love your hair.’”

“Telling me they want something, then when I prepare it, a) refusing to eat it because it doesn’t look as they expected, or b) being like, “‘Oh I didn’t mean THAT, I want this other thing.’”

“Shredding things. Be it paper or plastic, after 5 minutes with my kid it will be a fine confetti coating every surface in the room.”

“The 21 yo cries. So. Much.”

“Saying, ‘Actually...’ in response to everything I tell him.”

“Wiping his gross hands all over the furniture, his clothes, the walls. I can’t wrap my head around having ketchup and French fry grease all over your fingers and just wiping them on, like, a throw pillow.”

“Talking constantly and then crying and shouting ‘You're 'rupting me!!’ when we try to get a word in edgewise or respond to something she says.”

“Being the one lone vote against doing something everyone else wants to do, refusing to settle, sobbing, and then either a) torpedoing the plan, or b) getting dragged along anyway, having a marvelous time, and refusing to learn from that, ensuring the cycle repeats itself.”

“Making their bad feelings last as long as possible. Really just squeezing the life out of one bad moment and sucking it dry.”

Does your child have any particular talents you’d like to boast?

Johnny Depp Kiss GIF

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I hope you enjoyed today’s issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. Please pass it along if you know someone who'd like this sort of thing a few times a week. If Evil Witches has made you smile or nod or forward or share, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to support the work:

If you’re interested in writing a guest post, have a suggested topic or have any general questions or you can reply right to this newsletter. You can also follow us and talk to us on Twitter here and follow us on Instagram too.


One witchy thing

Sarcastic I Love Lucy GIF

When you're a totally supportive nice person but you don't want to support Laura's pyramid scheme

When O.I.L.S. = Oh, It's Loony Shit.

Happy Essential Oils GIF by Real Food RN

Q: “How do we turn down MLM offers these days? I just got my 3rd Rodan+Fields offer from the same person. I need a kicker. I mean she is perfectly nice but N.O.”

A:

“I have said, ‘Thanks for thinking of me but I'm not interested—It's just not my thing. I'm happy you found something that works for you and I wish you the best. Good luck!’ If same person follows up with another, then I've said ‘Hey Laura, I'm happy you thought of me but again, this is not something I'm going to be involved with, now or in the future. Good luck!’ Then I cut-and-paste forever and ever and ever if needed.”

“No one ever asks me direct, thank god, but I keep getting added to MLM Facebook groups by my friends. I’m about to just start declining with the immortal Beyonce lyric, “I got expensive fabrics / I got expensive habits.”

“I straight up say ‘I don't do sales parties’ and if it's someone I know/like in real life, I suggest hanging out another time.

“‘What you're doing is bad for women.’” Just kidding, I have no balls.”

“I think ‘I don’t do direct sales’ is ultimately kinder than saying you can’t make it and keeping hope alive for next time. They need to get the message as fast as possible that most people aren’t interested in this shit.

(You can find The Dream, about multi-level marketing schemes here.)


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I hope you enjoyed today’s issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. Please pass it along if you know someone who'd like this sort of thing a few times a week. If Evil Witches has made you smile or nod or forward or share, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to support the work:

If you’re interested in writing a guest post, have a suggested topic or have any general questions or you can reply right to this newsletter. You can also follow us and talk to us on Twitter here and follow us on Instagram too.


One witchy thing

Today’s OWT is an excellent example of good witchery in action:

Anjelica Huston Witch GIF

A piercing warning from the future

A public service announcement for young women attached to young bellybuttons

A witch asked:

“I had my navel pierced from 1997-2000. The scars weren’t that bad until I had kids and they got majorly stretched out. They bother me, which is silly because my stretch marks are way worse, but: I’m thinking of getting it repierced. Just with like a flat disk, like a flat gold dot, and really only to hide the scar. I took it out because my husband didn’t like it and because it started to feel juvenile, but maybe 41 is the right age to try again? Or will I totally regret this when I take it out in five years and the scar is worse????  I mean, the funny thing is I also have a huge horrible c-section scar. Maybe I just want ONE part of my stomach to look okay.”

I do not have personal experience with this. I never pierced my bellybutton because I never, ever showed my belly on purpose to anyone when I was of piercin’ age and piercing it now at 40 after two kids is not a journey I’m going to take.

But a lot of women also endure this plight, I found:

  • “Mine is similar and I’ve been thinking the same thing.  I used to love belly shirts back in 1997-1999. I'd wear a child's T ball shirt, giant baggy jeans showing off my fine ass crack.”

  • “I’m going to re-pierce my nose for the same reason. If I’m going to have hole I might as well stick something in it.”

  • “Should we also discuss how pregnancy jacks up your belly button? I always had a deep belly button but now mine is a giant crater. I could put a marble in it.”

  • “Ugh, mine went from an innie to a tiny smiley face outie which is actually a tiny hernia I think. My doc has mentioned it only ONCE after annual gynecologist exams for 11 years after my baby was born. Since it doesn’t hurt or anything, I guess I get to keep it forever. Yay?!”

  • “My belly button went from being an objectively perfect innie that I was VERY proud of to being a stretched, fugly hole I should stash drugs in.”

  • “I took my piercing out during my first pregnancy because even with the silicon extender it was itchy and swollen. After two babies my biggest postpartum body change is my bellybutton. It looks like an exploded raisin. So alas, no more ring for me.”

  • “My belly piercing popped out in a fitting room when I was maybe midway through my first pregnancy. I think it was due to my belly actually popping but I’d also neglected the piercing for years. When it happened, it was less a major ‘Oh my god, my kid-free life is over!’ And more a ‘Eh, guess that’s gone.’”

  • “Mine was pierced pre-kids. If I had known it would leave a literal hole in my belly button forever I probably wouldn’t have done it. I took it out sometime during pregnancy. Then probably 2 years postpartum I stumbled upon it and wondered it if would still fit. It did. And there it has stayed since. I no longer view it as a sexy thing but my belly just looks so weird without it.”

  • “I got it pierced when I was 18, and I'm 34 now. I got special pregnancy jewelry to wear in my belly button piercing during my first pregnancy, and kept it through the whole pregnancy and birth. But I took it out within a year postpartum because my kid wouldn't leave it alone. My son is 7.5 now, so it's been out for years. About a year ago (after another pregnancy and birth), I decided to see if the hole was still open, and it was! I put a curved barbell in. But I apparently didn't tighten the closure enough, and the bottom part fell off within days, and I couldn't be bothered to get a new one. But I just checked, and the hole is still there. It's lasted through two pregnancies and I bet it'll be there forever.”

  • “Devil horn stretch marks around it after twin pregnancy. Noice.”

  • “Took mine out when I got pregnant with twins. For three years afterward I was resigned to the idea that my once cute bellybutton would forever be a screaming maw, mocking me for all the crop tops I should have worn when I was younger. Now I'm 6 years postbirth and my belly button has returned to normal, but I haven't put it back in because I fear the kids will pull it out, either accidentally or because they're super curious. I make sure the hole stays open just in case I change my mind.”

  • “My piercing survived pregnancy! I kept waiting for it to start bothering me, but it never did. Now, I'm a mom of a four-year-old, rocking a 20-year-old navel piercing. Honestly, it just feels like a part of my body.”

  • “I had my navel pierced when I was 22, and got special flexible jewelry so I could keep it through my pregnancy at 38. It was often irritated forever, because my belly button is right at my belt line and it rubbed. When I was 42 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed to remove it for MRIs. The last time I took it out was for my post-chemo MRI, and I swear that hole closed up in the 30 minutes it took to do the test. I was never able to re-insert it and now it is completely healed over, just a small scar. My other piercings all hung out, just that one was was super intent on healing!  I was sad to lose it, but I’m glad it healed so nicely.”

  • “I was really worried about loose skin all throughout my twin pregnancy, so I set aside money for a tummy tuck. Fortunately, my tummy bounced back better than I thought it would. So I used that money on a night nurse.”

I did some deep investigating (posted the question on Twitter) and heard from nobody who had ever gotten their belly button ring hole closed up by a professional. When I asked the official Evil Witches plastic surgeon, she says she’s never done that work per se, but that “But I have done multiple umbilicoplasties on belly buttons that weren’t looking so hot after the big event. Usually they have a small hernia and get all stretched out so part of the repair is making the belly button look nice again.”

Maybe I’m reading my data wrong but I feel like currently the only solution to saggy mom post-baby belly button ring hole (SMPBBBRH) is for us to invent a time machine and go back and warn our young selves to just get an awesome lower back tat instead.


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Thanks and welcome to our new subscribers! I hope you enjoyed this issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. Please pass it along, if you know someone who'd like this sort of thing in their inbox a couple times a week. Feel free to let us know if you have any topics you’d like witchy input on. You can also follow us and talk to us on Twitter here or follow us on Instagram.


One witchy thing

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