On working out and not having it suck
by Dana Schwartz. Plus! Calls for sources
Today’s guest issue is brought to you by Dana Schwartz, a writer and single mom living in eastern PA with two kids and a very needy cat. She edits manuscripts and has published stories and essays online and IRL, but took a slight hiatus due to Life.
Let me be perfectly clear: I have never been someone who has maintained a consistent workout routine. In my youth I was an average (at best) “athlete,” partaking in sports mainly to fill up my college applications per my mother’s instructions. Later in my 20s I joined gyms with the best of intentions, and went a bunch of times before petering out and feeling shitty about it.
Basically, working out was never my thing. This didn’t bother me that much because I inherited a relatively lean physique from my father, but eventually came motherhood, aging, gravity, and perimenopause.
But it wasn’t a physical health or vanity related element that got me working out regularly. I’d always known that exercise was the “right thing to do,” but it wasn’t until the one-two sucker punch of divorce and global pandemic did I suddenly feel the need to work out.
Now, I’m not recommending divorce (or a pandemic) as a means of getting into shape - it could easily have the opposite effect for some - but in the early stressful days of dismantling my 15-year marriage, working out was one of the only things that helped.
My best friend had filed for divorce within days of me, and it helped having a partner in crime. We worked out together several times a week, running and doing YouTube videos both at the gym and at home, all the while talking shit about the trials and tribulations of our divorces.
For the first time in my life I understood the term “runner’s high.” I loved chasing that euphoric feeling, which helped clear my head during one of the most stressful and painful times of my life. Strategically created playlists with names like Feminist AF and Rage Run kept me going mile after mile. Shitty text from my ex? Upcoming court date? Emotional custody exchange? Running always helped.
When the pandemic hit and the gyms closed, I shocked myself by becoming an all-season outdoor runner. I ran through winter ice and snow, cold spring rain, and a hot humid summer. Even when the gyms reopened, I didn’t join. Not only because of COVID anxiety, but because I didn’t need it.
I think the trick to discovering that kind of relationship with exercise is finding the right “why” that gets you to put on the sneakers in the first place, or take them off if you prefer a different kind of workout.
If you want some inspiration to find your why, watch a video of Ruth Bader Ginsberg working out with her trainer, which she did well into her 80s:
The primary why for me was and remains mental health, with the bonus of finding the body confidence to take off my clothes again after years of a who-the-fuck-cares-what-I-look-like marriage.
After you figure out your why, then you need to find the what. For me it’s running and YouTube. As we all know, YouTube is a treasure trove of hot garbage, but it’s also filled with decent workout videos. There is literally an endless stream of content, and it’s free. Plus, you have the bonus of working out from home which helps if you don’t like leaving your house and/or you can’t because you have small children.
Want to try a pilates or ballet workout without the humiliation of going to one of those terrifying Barre studios where everyone looks like a twenty-five year old Instagram influencer? Do you have shitty knees? Hate squats? Want to murder anyone who suggests a burpee? Or do you love squats and dream in burpee? No problem. YouTube has got you covered.
Here are some of my tips after a few years of navigating workout YouTube:
Non-pro-tip #1: After watching a video a couple times for technique and instructions, consider muting and listening to your own music. Some of these well-meaning fitness gurus wax on a little too enthusiastically about nutrition or get woo-woo with inspirational missives, or worse, discuss their home renovation projects or upcoming nuptials. No need to endure this. Working out is hard enough.
Non-pro-tip #2: Consider small increments of time. You’re not at a gym. There is no pressure to do a 45-60 minute class. Start with an 8 to 12 minute full body routine. Then maybe throw in a 5 minute ab or arm workout. Bite sized videos are a great way to trick your brain into getting started, and much easier to squeeze into a busy schedule. Also, they add up fast if you do more than one.
Non-pro-tip #3: Figure out a schedule of sorts and stick with it as best you can, but go easy on yourself if you slip up. Life is full of crisis moments and you may have to skip a day or two or even a week or more. But just know, as with anything, the longer you go without the harder it is to get back into a rhythm.
Non-pro-tip #4: Find a workout and/or accountability partner, ideally someone who’s in a similar place as you. No need to pair up with that marathon training neighbor for fuck’s sake. But the truth is, working out is a lot more fun when you’re not alone.
Non-pro-tip #5: Unintended bonus of working out? It provides an excellent excuse for getting away from your kids, and/or your partner if you need a break. At this point, my kids know NOT to interrupt my YouTube routines or call me with bullshit on my runs (which I can do now that they’re old enough to leave home alone). They also know that when I’m done, I’m almost always in a better mood and more willing, somewhat, to help them with their endless stream of wants and needs.
Non-pro-tip #6: If you need motivation, imagine using your muscles to pummel various exes, politicians, local dads who feel compelled to share their hot takes on cancel culture, etc.
Here are some of my go-to YouTube vids for those ready to test the waters…
Jessica Smith was recommended to me early on by a friend who promised I wouldn’t hate her and she was right. She has a sleepy pug named Peanut who is featured in many of her videos, which is a bonus if you like dogs, and yet tolerable if you do not.
Bailey Brown emits more of a California Barbie vibe, complete with a perky blond pony, beachside locales, and matching skintight outfits. Despite her ever-sunny disposition and shit eating grin, she isn’t (seemingly) an asshole, and has a great series of 5 minute workouts that I like.
Mad Fit is more of a militant Barbie in her demeanor and style, but I have come to enjoy some of her 20ish minute workouts, which are definitely more challenging in both routine and weights, so beware. She also has a series of Dance Party workouts if you’re into that sort of thing.
Others to peruse include Blogilates (decent workouts but a LOT of prelim chatting, so fast forward), Action Jacquelyn (pretty reasonable ballet and pilates routines), and PopSugar Fitness vids (I love their 6 minute arm workout, but could do without the banter, so just remember, mute is your friend).
Good luck out there, witches, and stay strong. Let me know your own recommendations of favorite workouts and/or how you trick yourself into doing them.
End credits
Before I get to the credits, a writer pal is looking for a witchy type of source for story she’s working on, so please reach out to her if this is you, or pass this request along to someone you know who might be willing to chat:
I’m looking to talk to witches who went into March 2020 wanting a second or third (etc) child, but who, after enduring the past two years, are now like “... yeah, no, actually, I’m good.” This story has been written about Gen Z and not wanting children because of climate change, but this is more about older millennials who had one vision of their families’ shape and size pre-pandemic but who now have a different one. I’m hoping to talk to people who are happy about the outcome or grieving lost potential or anything in between (or all of the above). This is for a national newspaper and can be anonymous on background or on the record (preferred). Email me at emilgou@gmail.com -- a very quick email exchange or phone chat, whatever's easiest for you, will ensue. Thanks!!!
Also, I got the following question from a reader on Twitter, which is so timely because if all goes well, by the time you read this I’ll be on a trip with my family, my first plane ride since 2020 and my first plane with the kids since 2018. When I got the question, I was feeling so optimistic/relieved that our youngest isn’t a napping carseat stroller toddler anymore, but then I did all the kids’ packing and laundry and cleaned out the fridge while they were being clueless and messy and by the end of Sunday I was like I hate them and how are we going to do this for a week. So:
If you have “no advice, just commiserating” stories or been-there advice to share feel free to comment below or respond to this email or on Twitter for a future roundup issue because summer is also coming, in case you forgot.
Anyway! I hope you enjoyed this guest contributor issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. Feel free forward to someone who might find it helpful. If you haven’t yet, I hope you consider becoming a paid subscriber which gets you bonus content and threads!
And the archives live here!
The newsletter and its editor is off for the rest of the week for spring break—catch you in early April!
One witchy thing
Always going to recommend lifting heavy weights as an excellent way to work out. Casey Johnston (aka swolewoman on Insta) has a great intro program called Couch to Barbell for beginners.
Our chosen family vacation is currently camping. We stay local, it’s affordable, we know we’ll sleep terribly at first but—it’s also low key. And there’s no reception, so we all disconnect for a few days.
We mess it up by booking at the last minute, moving too slowly to get in that awesome hike before it gets too hot, and only remembering to start making dinner too close to bedtime.
But! The things that do work are… booking several nights in a row so the set-up cost is worth it, reading up on local trails in advance (AllTrails, plus we ask on-site park rangers and other campers for advice from once we’re there), and premixing spices (and even pre-cutting things like onions and vegetables, and pre-mixing and organizing ingredients for breakfast) to make meal prep as easy as possible. We choose a shady spot, ideally with good climbing and hammock trees, bring coloring supplies and card games and books, and just kind of… let the day unfold.
Would love to hear what others do that works.