She will eat right in your face
Virginia Sole-Smith's approach to critics and trolls
I get off pretty easy when it comes to trolls, haters, and the like. The weirdest I’ve gotten lately was a male former neighbor who texted me a screenshot of an old newsletter issue with the comment, “This is bullshit and you know it,” and then told me it seemed like I hate men before wishing my husband and sons the best. (I didn’t respond).
This is nothing compared to what some of my colleagues and friends get. I’ve seen some people I know get sicced on by actual FOX news, and it’s scary. Then there’s
. I’ve been a fan of hers since I used to follow her freelance career. I first got to know her personally when I interviewed her on how life is better when you realize family dinner will not make or break your family. Obviously, we became witchy friends after that.Virginia edits the incredibly popular, insightful and delightful
on diet culture and fatphobia, especially through the lens of parenting, and has a new book called Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture.You already know this—people online can be horrible, typically on predictable themes. One of these hot-button issues that really sets horrible people off is fat people’s right to exist, maybe even live peaceful/enjoyable lives. Accordingly, Virginia’s been on the receiving end of some hot takes for her book in particular, and by hot, I mean unhinged and hateful.
Where some people would ignore this type of feedback, address it seriously, or go hide in bed and contemplate never writing again, Virginia has done something I don’t see a lot of moms do—she trolled right back. Fuck the high ground, and fuck not escalating. She said, “Let them watch me eat a brownie while NGAF.”
I wanted to talk to Virginia about this particular aspect of her book promotion and how, if at all, this experience makes her talk to her kids about jerks, online and off.
When did you decide that you would have this policy where you really take these types of critics head-on?
The best advice I got about trolls was from Ragen Chastain, a long-time fat activist who deals with them on just another level that I do not. She said, “People worry so much about the right way to handle trolls, but all that does is center the troll.” You’re worrying, “Well, will they retaliate if I do this, or will they be convinced?” She’s like, “Actually, the only thing that matters is you doing what makes sense for you. So, if that means just blocking and not engaging with anybody at all, that is totally good. If it means getting into a comment back and forth with them some days, okay, fine, do that. Whatever it is.” That was such a helpful perspective shift because I think I was really locked into “What is the best protocol?”
I think, as women, there’s this idea like, “Oh, I don’t want to make them too angry. How do I maintain my professionalism?” But after she said that, I did start thinking, “Well, fuck it. Some of these are really funny. These troll comments are absurd.” That’s when I started having a little more fun with them. That hit me as perfect because it’s fine if people want to do this, but I don’t want to get in and go back and forth with them in the comments. That is uninteresting to me.
I feel very firmly that they do not deserve individual responses because I have already written a book and a newsletter. My citations are there, and I owe you no personal explanation for my work. My work stands, and you can deal with it.
What really gets me is that comments on Twitter and Instagram are one thing, but so many men go out of their way to email me or DM me directly with all of these really intrusive questions because they’re so amazed that a woman on the internet disagrees with them, that they think she owes them a personal conversation to explain everything to them in a way that they can understand.
And I could not be less interested. I could not be less available for that. I do not owe some random dude in his mom’s basement any personal interaction, but if their comment makes me laugh, I will eat a brownie to a funny song.
I know you don’t need his permission, but as some of these comments you respond to might affect your sense of safety or mental well-being, did you talk to your husband much about your approach ahead of time?
I show him stuff. He’s in the loop. During the book launch, I was getting a lot, a lot, a lot [of hate mail.] I do have a strategy with email; I just quickly move them into a folder in case someone turns out to be a stalker, and I need it. I don’t delete them, but I just quickly move them into a folder I call Men Yell At Me. Thank you,
.For DMs on Instagram, I just screenshot, block, delete, screenshot, block, delete, and put all the screenshots in a folder on my phone.
There were a couple where people were like, “We are having meetings about you,” and some more creepy insult bro stuff. I did send my husband a few asking, “Is this one we call the cops about?” He was like, “No, we’ll wait and see if there’s anything else. And whatever that meeting was, I don’t think it was well attended, and that’s in that gentleman’s basement.”
The meeting was between him and his hand, probably.
Exactly, so that’s fine. I feel like any woman has a pretty good sense of how to interpret when she’s feeling in danger versus just irritated. I think we probably have a better line on that than any dude would.
What percentage of the comments do you get make you truly alarmed?
That’s a really small percentage for me. I think because I am small fat, not medium or superfat, because I am white, because I am otherwise privileged in a lot of ways, I am not the person who gets the death threats. I’ve definitely gotten “fat skank,” “fat cunt.” I got some weird antisemitism that was super upsetting. I’m not Jewish, but it just horrible to see, like, “Go back into the ovens,” kind of shit. There’s definitely been that, but it’s not daily. I don’t want to post those hideous emails because that’s harmful to all of my Jewish followers. They don’t need to see that.
I would say with most of the comments, the three main themes I get the most are, “But what about health? You are causing the death of children or the death of people. You’re going to die of diabetes” — any flavor of the but-what-about-health argument.
Then, “You’re not a responsible parent,” is the second theme. “You’re giving people really dangerous parenting advice. You’re such a bad person for this terrible approach to parenting.”
The third theme is, “Fat chicks aren’t hot. You as a fat chick are not hot. No fat chicks are hot. Stop trying to think fat chicks are hot.” This is interesting because number one: disagree. Number two, I didn’t care about this man not finding me attractive. It’s just like, “Why do they think that matters?”
So, those are the three themes, and none of those are dangerous. Those are the ones where I’m like, “I can make fun of this if it’s worded in a way that makes me laugh. We’ll eat some snacks and make some reels about it.”
Do you talk to your girls very much about what comes down? What do you think you’ll tell them about this when they get on social media?
When the book came out, I did tell them about some of the responses I was getting. At dinner, we explained it a bit, and they just don’t get it because they’ve grown up with all of the fat positive messaging. So, right now, they’re just kind of like, “Okay, what’s wrong with people?” It doesn’t seem logical at all to them. My younger daughter just keeps going, “All bodies are good bodies, mama. What’s going on?” Oh, my God.
My older daughter is turning 10 this summer, so I’m sure the discussions about social media are days away. She’s not getting on social media anytime soon.
I’m curious what you would tell them, even if it’s not online, about how to respond when comes to people being driven by cruelty. “Here’s why I want you to be like me. Here’s why I don’t necessarily want you to emulate me per se.”
I think the bottom line is we are all being asked to pay too high of a price to do this work. It is not okay that I get these messages. Even with my own therapist, who I love in every other respect, but the other week, it was really bad. I came into therapy and was like, “I’m getting so much noise, and it’s so stressful.” She was like, “I guess this is the price you pay for being a public figure. Right?” I was like, “No, no. This is an unacceptable price. I am not Joe Biden. This is absurd. I am not choosing an entirely public life. And even if I was, it is not appropriate for people to be garbage to other human beings.”
I think we need to hold onto that. I think there’s a tendency because you get a little numb to it when it’s happening all the time. There is a tendency to come across as “It’s not bothering me.” I deliberately, in those videos, put out the vibe that it’s not bothering me because I don’t want to give the trolls the satisfaction of being bothered.
But the risk is that I am normalizing the behavior in a way. I am saying, “This is just what happens when you’re a woman on the internet, lol.” Instead of being like, “Why are we not more outraged? This is what happens to women and people of color on the internet.” That is a really nuanced conversation that’s hard to have in reels.
Marielle Elizabeth is a fat fashion influencer. She’s awesome. She’s been getting horrendous sexual harassment nonstop. She posts a lot of gorgeous swimsuit pictures and underwear pictures because she is modeling fat fashion. Men have taken her videos, put them on YouTube, and made a whole porn. It’s gross. She has talked and cried about it on Instagram. Let’s talk about that side of it and not just be like, “Lol, trolls.”
Years ago, I wrote a piece for Slate about why we needed universal healthcare, where I talked about my daughter’s health issues and how she almost died, and we had $3 million in medical bills. There are dozens of comments on that piece of people saying, “Well, that baby just wasn’t meant to live. You’re a drain on the healthcare system.” I know which level of troll comment will make me cry.
It’s not Joey in his basement telling me fat chicks aren’t hot: that does not make me cry because that does not matter. But people saying my kids shouldn’t be alive? Absolutely not. That’s where I’m more like, “Burn it down.” I just go back to Ragen’s advice: Everybody’s allowed to be upset. Whatever reaction you’re having to comments is totally valid. Whether you want to talk about it or not, talk about it is valid. Because if we worry too much about how they’re going to respond, then they’re winning.
But when it comes to talking about it with the kids, I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. But when people were like, “She has three types of orange snack crackers. She’s a terrible mother,” I was like, well, let me just show the snack crackers. One criticism was, “You’re the high priestess of the indulgence gospel.” That’s still my favorite thing ever.
Where did you get the idea to film yourself eating food and making a reel to go along with it?
It was the night after my book launch in New York City, and I woke up a little hungover and I had leftover pizza in my room. I was like, “I’m obviously going to eat this cold pizza right now. It’s fantastic.” Do you want indulgence gospel? It’ll be me at 7:00 AM eating pizza in bed.
Well, it’s lucky that you look so cute when you eat.
Oh, there’s been times I’ve filmed and been like, “No, really, there’s food stuck in your teeth,” and been like, “Let’s not use that cut.”
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One witchy thing
so, so good! esp this part: "I think the bottom line is we are all being asked to pay too high of a price to do this work."
I love Virginia, and this is such a nuanced conversation! Hard to do in this format - well done. This line is amazing: My work stands, and you can deal with it.