I got this text this morning: “Have you written about making family vacays less sucky? Am at a beautiful beach trying to not murder the in-laws and keep thinking, witches must have some brilliant insights about this.”
My in-laws don’t travel these days so I haven’t been in this situation for awhile—witches, what has helped *you* enjoy (or endure) a family vacation despite your in-laws’ best attempts to drive you to murder?
Make a plan for your family every day. In the morning, tell your in-laws what you're planning to do and ask them if they want to come. Don't say "We were thinking of..." Just say "we're doing." If they would rather do something else you can tell them you'll meet them for lunch or another meal.
Have your own means of transportation away from your lodgings.
If possible, ask your in-laws to watch your kids so you can go out to dinner or take a walk or whatever. (I know this is not possible with all in-laws)
Use your kids for as many excuses as possible! Take a nap with your kid (or scroll on your phone quietly). Build a sandcastle with them so you don't have to participate in any adult conversations. Put them to bed early and then oops you fell asleep too! You're just having so much fun!
LOLOLOL -- I go with mine every year. It's like strength training for my patience button. Have a separate space to retreat to every night! Claim time for yourself every chance you can. Practice breathing. Pack a flask.
We did a major holiday out of the country and I will never do it again unless the logistics are very different. No group travel, and if we share an accommodation there needs to be more than enough space for everyone and ideally we’re in separate accommodations altogether. A car to escape in and at least one day of plans that are just your family, and those must be firm. Also everyone needs to understand that “group outings” should be optional, a.k.a no butthurt if cousin Glenda doesn’t want to join in on the two hour drive to the Horace Hootertooter State Historical Site. Finally: IF ANYONE IS SICK MEASURES MUST BE TAKEN, whether that is staying in your room or whatever is practical. A relative showing up sick is how 12/15 of us ended up down for the count for the bulk of our vacation and I got to experience a transatlantic flight with a 101° fever. Never again!
I don't vacation with the in-laws unless it's somewhere I know I can get away from them. No long car rides, no winter cabins unless I can escape for snow sports, no small sailboats/RVs. You get the idea.
That really sucks. Everything everyone else said about taking your own space is great advice. My other thought would be to try as much as you can to avoid the temptation of "going there" in your brain--sitting and wallowing in how awful things are, spending time rehashing frustrations with your spouse, etc--those are just going to get you worked up. Instead, trying to embrace the shrug emoji when those thoughts come up can help you attach less to the negativity. Now, this is not a perfect solution and I'm definitely not trying to encourage you to "look on the bright side"--this is just a survival skill to not actively participate in your anger/resentment/frustration as it is happening, no matter how well-deserved. Good luck, and embrace a nice long bathroom break when you can!
Oh this is hardcore my arena! 2-3 weeks every summer in a small cottage with my in laws: phenomenal ocean views, iiiiitty bitty living space, IYKWIM. This will be my fifth year there with kids and tenth year overall. What I can add to the discussion is expectation management: the same shit happens every year. The same fights. The same annoyances. Don’t avoid them, don’t latch onto them. Do what everyone else has said: be able to be alone/away when you need to, planned and spontaneously if need be. Find local child care or BYO, ask a relative if you can (and note that asking *some* relatives to watch your kids may result in *other* relatives not being catered to in the manner to which they are accustomed, which may result in a NEW grievance!), and just try to let everybody’s insanity roll off your back. Stand up for your kids and yourself, take a deep breath, you’ll be home soon.
So complicated. It helps me to make sure I get time by myself every day, and to find ways to remember that my real family is my family unit and it is fine. Go somewhere with just your little family for a few hours, have daily check ins with your partner in person. My husband and I also set a daily phone reminder for this summer with our families that just says "you're a grown up!"😂
Years ago, we were so exhausted by the stressful lifeguarding, constant sunscreen application, and I’m hot complaints that we knew there had to be a better way. There is! Now when we travel to the beach, we sign our kids up for a local day camp. From 9-1 they do games, messy crafts, and fun beachy things. Every kid-free morning feels like an actual vacation with my husband—we go to brunch, walk on the beach, sit by the ocean with our books and actually relax. By the 1pm pickup we are both energized and ready for family fun. Every summer when are are looking to lock down a beach rental, we also make sure to find an on-site or nearby kids camp. We feel like we finally cracked the code to turning a family trip into a true vacation!
Plans that don't involve them are key for me. We try not to share a house/space in the winter, make sure each household has a vehicle, and try to break up the activities into some that are for everybody and some that are just for our little family group (and, ideally, also one or two that are just me and my spouse while the kid hangs out with grandparents). In general we share meals and evenings but daytime activities (including absolutely required rest days) are assumed to be separate unless an explicit invitation is issued. I like my in-laws, but making space for everybody to do their own thing sometimes is important.
Drugs and alcohol. Sorry if you’re in recovery. But this is the only way I make it through. Bonus if you can get your in-laws trashed first. We take almost all our vacations TOGETHER. But I also second the need for space (we all get our own bedrooms OR ELSE IT AINT HAPPENING) and we need SEPARATE VEHICLES or people will die. I am also a big advocate for accidentally not hearing people. It feels awful at first (why can’t we all directly communicate and acknowledge one another’s needs/boundaries? Well. You fucking can’t. It doesn’t work.) It is a godsend to be able to not hear something inflammatory and let someone else deal with it first. I am also a fan of redirecting questions…especially questions that should have been asked of my husband. (Ex. “Why did Steve go for such an early run? Hmm. I’m not sure. Steve! Why did you go for such an early run?” Or “I’m not sure why Steve slept in for so long. I guess he was tired. I guess you can ask when he wakes up). And there is NOTHING wrong with hiding in your room, peeing extra long, and going for a short walk with just your kids and not inviting anyone else. Make no apologies. If people are upset, offer more alcohol.
I love my in-laws! That being said, the correct answer is SEPARATE LIVING SPACES. We vacation almost every summer for a week at a little family resort in Minnesota and each family component has their own tiny cabin. Some meals are communal, some aren't, but everybody has the OPTION of spending time in their own cabin without company if they need to recharge, each family has their own kitchen, bathroom, etc. So typically we have mornings on our own, afternoons together, or the reverse, and it's ideal.
I go on vacation with my in-laws every year....without my husband. Really. And it's the best week of my year! He's the primary parent and finds it stressful to be in a cabin with his family for a week, but I love it and he gets a break while we are gone. It's a smallish house full of crumbs and sand and sticky fingers and memories. I would find it much more stressful to be on vacation with my own family for a week.
I don't have in-laws anymore (yay!) but what I found helpful was to ask for parenting advice about something vague/non-immediate, then nod sagely and say "thanks I'll look into that!" and then ignore all the advice I didn't like. It made them feel needed & knowledgable in the moment. Other than that, divorce is great!
The ideal is having your in-laws focus all of their attention and time on your kids--giving you space from everyone!
But that only works if you're comfortable with them being front-line with your kids. And if they're willing to put in the work.
The alternative is trading off time with your partner, so one of you gets to escape. Though there should be some contract language about the ratio: if it's your parents, you have to take more time in the weeds.
But my general rule is find the escape hatch however you can for as much of the "vacation" as you can. (Even on a beach, if it's in-laws, you're still solidly in "trip" territory.)
I echo a lot of the comments here but these are my tips for my every other year vacation with the in-laws:
- Stay in a place that has enough room for everyone to really spread out. The Outer Banks of NC is amazing for this - so many huge houses with several living spaces.
- Make your plans and tell people what they are so they can join in or not. DO NOT plan your schedule around unreliable people. In our family, it works for us to have dinner as a big group most nights, but go our own way the rest of the time.
- Ask the in-laws to watch your kids one night so you can go out. Important addendum if there are more than one set of grandkids on the trip - do not expect that your kids will take priority in the grandparents time calculus. One night is what works for our family, but generally, my MIL is prioritizing her other grandkids (who live across the country so it makes sense) on these trips.
Okay so I have good in-laws, but I also know that travel wears on everyone’s patience.
1. Get a big enough place for everyone. Don’t have 5 people sleeping on air mattresses and 8 people sharing 1 bathrooms. Just bite the bullet and pay for the bigger place.
2. Set the expectation that you won’t do everything together. Have days where some people hit the beach, some the pool, and some wander off to shop or whatever. This requires transportation for everyone, but makes our family vacations (in-law and my fam) so much better for everyone. Not everything on vacation has to be done together
Make a plan for your family every day. In the morning, tell your in-laws what you're planning to do and ask them if they want to come. Don't say "We were thinking of..." Just say "we're doing." If they would rather do something else you can tell them you'll meet them for lunch or another meal.
Have your own means of transportation away from your lodgings.
If possible, ask your in-laws to watch your kids so you can go out to dinner or take a walk or whatever. (I know this is not possible with all in-laws)
Use your kids for as many excuses as possible! Take a nap with your kid (or scroll on your phone quietly). Build a sandcastle with them so you don't have to participate in any adult conversations. Put them to bed early and then oops you fell asleep too! You're just having so much fun!
LOLOLOL -- I go with mine every year. It's like strength training for my patience button. Have a separate space to retreat to every night! Claim time for yourself every chance you can. Practice breathing. Pack a flask.
We did a major holiday out of the country and I will never do it again unless the logistics are very different. No group travel, and if we share an accommodation there needs to be more than enough space for everyone and ideally we’re in separate accommodations altogether. A car to escape in and at least one day of plans that are just your family, and those must be firm. Also everyone needs to understand that “group outings” should be optional, a.k.a no butthurt if cousin Glenda doesn’t want to join in on the two hour drive to the Horace Hootertooter State Historical Site. Finally: IF ANYONE IS SICK MEASURES MUST BE TAKEN, whether that is staying in your room or whatever is practical. A relative showing up sick is how 12/15 of us ended up down for the count for the bulk of our vacation and I got to experience a transatlantic flight with a 101° fever. Never again!
I don't vacation with the in-laws unless it's somewhere I know I can get away from them. No long car rides, no winter cabins unless I can escape for snow sports, no small sailboats/RVs. You get the idea.
That really sucks. Everything everyone else said about taking your own space is great advice. My other thought would be to try as much as you can to avoid the temptation of "going there" in your brain--sitting and wallowing in how awful things are, spending time rehashing frustrations with your spouse, etc--those are just going to get you worked up. Instead, trying to embrace the shrug emoji when those thoughts come up can help you attach less to the negativity. Now, this is not a perfect solution and I'm definitely not trying to encourage you to "look on the bright side"--this is just a survival skill to not actively participate in your anger/resentment/frustration as it is happening, no matter how well-deserved. Good luck, and embrace a nice long bathroom break when you can!
Oh this is hardcore my arena! 2-3 weeks every summer in a small cottage with my in laws: phenomenal ocean views, iiiiitty bitty living space, IYKWIM. This will be my fifth year there with kids and tenth year overall. What I can add to the discussion is expectation management: the same shit happens every year. The same fights. The same annoyances. Don’t avoid them, don’t latch onto them. Do what everyone else has said: be able to be alone/away when you need to, planned and spontaneously if need be. Find local child care or BYO, ask a relative if you can (and note that asking *some* relatives to watch your kids may result in *other* relatives not being catered to in the manner to which they are accustomed, which may result in a NEW grievance!), and just try to let everybody’s insanity roll off your back. Stand up for your kids and yourself, take a deep breath, you’ll be home soon.
So complicated. It helps me to make sure I get time by myself every day, and to find ways to remember that my real family is my family unit and it is fine. Go somewhere with just your little family for a few hours, have daily check ins with your partner in person. My husband and I also set a daily phone reminder for this summer with our families that just says "you're a grown up!"😂
Years ago, we were so exhausted by the stressful lifeguarding, constant sunscreen application, and I’m hot complaints that we knew there had to be a better way. There is! Now when we travel to the beach, we sign our kids up for a local day camp. From 9-1 they do games, messy crafts, and fun beachy things. Every kid-free morning feels like an actual vacation with my husband—we go to brunch, walk on the beach, sit by the ocean with our books and actually relax. By the 1pm pickup we are both energized and ready for family fun. Every summer when are are looking to lock down a beach rental, we also make sure to find an on-site or nearby kids camp. We feel like we finally cracked the code to turning a family trip into a true vacation!
Plans that don't involve them are key for me. We try not to share a house/space in the winter, make sure each household has a vehicle, and try to break up the activities into some that are for everybody and some that are just for our little family group (and, ideally, also one or two that are just me and my spouse while the kid hangs out with grandparents). In general we share meals and evenings but daytime activities (including absolutely required rest days) are assumed to be separate unless an explicit invitation is issued. I like my in-laws, but making space for everybody to do their own thing sometimes is important.
Drugs and alcohol. Sorry if you’re in recovery. But this is the only way I make it through. Bonus if you can get your in-laws trashed first. We take almost all our vacations TOGETHER. But I also second the need for space (we all get our own bedrooms OR ELSE IT AINT HAPPENING) and we need SEPARATE VEHICLES or people will die. I am also a big advocate for accidentally not hearing people. It feels awful at first (why can’t we all directly communicate and acknowledge one another’s needs/boundaries? Well. You fucking can’t. It doesn’t work.) It is a godsend to be able to not hear something inflammatory and let someone else deal with it first. I am also a fan of redirecting questions…especially questions that should have been asked of my husband. (Ex. “Why did Steve go for such an early run? Hmm. I’m not sure. Steve! Why did you go for such an early run?” Or “I’m not sure why Steve slept in for so long. I guess he was tired. I guess you can ask when he wakes up). And there is NOTHING wrong with hiding in your room, peeing extra long, and going for a short walk with just your kids and not inviting anyone else. Make no apologies. If people are upset, offer more alcohol.
I love my in-laws! That being said, the correct answer is SEPARATE LIVING SPACES. We vacation almost every summer for a week at a little family resort in Minnesota and each family component has their own tiny cabin. Some meals are communal, some aren't, but everybody has the OPTION of spending time in their own cabin without company if they need to recharge, each family has their own kitchen, bathroom, etc. So typically we have mornings on our own, afternoons together, or the reverse, and it's ideal.
I go on vacation with my in-laws every year....without my husband. Really. And it's the best week of my year! He's the primary parent and finds it stressful to be in a cabin with his family for a week, but I love it and he gets a break while we are gone. It's a smallish house full of crumbs and sand and sticky fingers and memories. I would find it much more stressful to be on vacation with my own family for a week.
I don't have in-laws anymore (yay!) but what I found helpful was to ask for parenting advice about something vague/non-immediate, then nod sagely and say "thanks I'll look into that!" and then ignore all the advice I didn't like. It made them feel needed & knowledgable in the moment. Other than that, divorce is great!
The ideal is having your in-laws focus all of their attention and time on your kids--giving you space from everyone!
But that only works if you're comfortable with them being front-line with your kids. And if they're willing to put in the work.
The alternative is trading off time with your partner, so one of you gets to escape. Though there should be some contract language about the ratio: if it's your parents, you have to take more time in the weeds.
But my general rule is find the escape hatch however you can for as much of the "vacation" as you can. (Even on a beach, if it's in-laws, you're still solidly in "trip" territory.)
I echo a lot of the comments here but these are my tips for my every other year vacation with the in-laws:
- Stay in a place that has enough room for everyone to really spread out. The Outer Banks of NC is amazing for this - so many huge houses with several living spaces.
- Make your plans and tell people what they are so they can join in or not. DO NOT plan your schedule around unreliable people. In our family, it works for us to have dinner as a big group most nights, but go our own way the rest of the time.
- Ask the in-laws to watch your kids one night so you can go out. Important addendum if there are more than one set of grandkids on the trip - do not expect that your kids will take priority in the grandparents time calculus. One night is what works for our family, but generally, my MIL is prioritizing her other grandkids (who live across the country so it makes sense) on these trips.
Okay so I have good in-laws, but I also know that travel wears on everyone’s patience.
1. Get a big enough place for everyone. Don’t have 5 people sleeping on air mattresses and 8 people sharing 1 bathrooms. Just bite the bullet and pay for the bigger place.
2. Set the expectation that you won’t do everything together. Have days where some people hit the beach, some the pool, and some wander off to shop or whatever. This requires transportation for everyone, but makes our family vacations (in-law and my fam) so much better for everyone. Not everything on vacation has to be done together