Four Mothers Day epiphanies
The great awakening
Mothers Day is a bogus made-up holiday that just makes people feel guilty and sad.
AND YET I AM HERE FOR IT. My very first Mothers Day I woke up and was like, yes. This is my day. Even if this is all nonsense, I’ll take it. I want the breakfast in bed on the tray and a card and a photo op with my baby and people to smile at me when I walk around with him and all the credit and appreciation.
This was followed by:There is a Mothers Day totem pole and you are probably not at the top.
I also learned this my first Mothers Day, while struggling to get into a nice dress 9 months postpartum (so, postpartum) and yelling at my husband about getting the dumb Ralph Lauren outfit and ridiculous little white suede shoes on the baby so we could get downtown in time for dinner at Lawry’s so my mom could take pictures with the baby and for people to smile at HER while she walked around and got all the credit and appreciation. Just imagine if my mother-in-law lived in town or I had a living grandmother. Mothers Day is kind of about new mothers but mostly about OG moms. Get in line, newbies.Incidentally, if you live near a metro area, avoid going downtown for Mothers Day. I learned this last year when I thought it would be a good idea to get myself a Mothers Day facial at a hotel spa. My ultimate gift was frustration at the parking lines and at the lady ahead of me who refused to get out of the room until fifteen minutes after her appointment was over (?!). Then the angry aesthetician took her irritation out on me by criticizing me for having such big terrible pores ON MY DAY. But, this lesson was in service of the fourth tip:
You gotta design your own Mothers Day. It’s the only way to guarantee you’ll get the day you want. If you hope your partner or kids will read your mind and bring you the flowers or jewelry or breakfast or time alone or whatever you have in mind, you’re going to be angry martyr mother on Mothers Day. You may say “I shouldn’t have to say this stuff out loud.” But saying it is still better than being this mom:
Hope you have a lovely, or at least tolerable M-day. I’m going to meet some witches for drinks, not-downtown, on Sunday, and whatever our husbands and kids get up to during that time is none of our business.
~ Claire
Moms: Moms gotta mom
Kids: There is good parenting advice??
There’s a lot of bad parenting advice out there, especially anything that implies that the situation you recently found yourself in is the best thing that ever happened to you and all you need to do is enjoy it. So much parenting advice is either dismissive or simply justifies the advice-giver’s parenting practices. I have heard a sprinkling of actually good parenting tips over the years, but my friend Lisa gave me the very best, most practical piece of advice for new moms I have ever heard:
Get three crib sheets and three waterproof sheets. Put them all on the crib mattress (alternating them, with a waterproof mattress first.) This way, when the baby shits or throws up at 3 AM you won’t be faced with the conundrum of where to put the baby when you try to change the crib mattress, which is way more difficult than it would seem.
I put out a call for other actually good parenting advice other parents have gotten over the years:
Formula isn’t poison! That was so freeing.
Sleep training is awful but if you can power through it it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself and your baby.
Tell yourself that you'll repaint and get new furniture after your youngest turns 5.
Just feed your kid any food they'll eat.
Get someone to come over and let you nap at least once a week. Even if you don't sleep. Remember: you are doing a great job.
You don't have to constantly create engagement experiences with your kid when you're together, large or small. Just being at home together living your lives is good and enough.
It’s ok to put the baby down and walk away if you’re losing your cool. They can cry by themselves for a little while. So can you.
When it comes to sleep, do whatever allows you and your family to get sleep, even if you don't think it's "right" or it's something other people would be judgey about. In the end, what really matters is that you're getting sleep.
Buy comfortable clothes that you feel good in that fit your body right now.
You will probably drop the baby and the baby will be OK.
From a dad, and good dad advice: Kids love pancakes - make them early and often.
Anything you do in the first 3-4 months with sleeping, feeding, etc. does not matter. It does not form habits. So do whatever you need to to make it through.
You can burp a sleeping baby by holding him/her as straight as possible (i.e. not curved over your shoulder) and walking quickly up a flight of stairs.
Hire someone to clean your house.
Mommy and Me classes are enrichment for YOU. Your baby don’t give a fuck.
Early on my husband told me, “If you’re arguing with a toddler, you’re losing.”
Unless there is a clear and present danger of real injury, don’t get involved in sibling fights.
Never let your kids in the bathroom with you. That and cultivate a “hmm” noise that implies you are listening without agreeing or disagreeing.
People who work in early childhood education sometimes choose the field because they don't work well with adults, so keep that in mind as you deal with them.
If you don't know instinctively what every cry means, it doesn't make you a bad parent who isn't connected to your baby. Just because you grew it for 9 months doesn't mean you KNOW each other. It will take time and a lot of nights you will be like, "WHAAAT do you NEEEEED?"
If you make a change to the baby's routine (sleep, feeding, whatevs), give it at least three days of the new thing before you decide it's working or not.
If you're doing something like sleep training, talk it through all the way with your partner before you start so you're both on the same page. No good decisions are made at 3am.
Buy disposable pet pee pads for minimizing the damage of newborn projectile liquid poop on your changing table. And you can also put them on your own bed if you're bleeding/leaking after the birth. They're cheaper than the ones made for people!
Leave the arts and crafts for day care to deal with. We have crayons in the house and that is it. I have never painted with my children or glued macaroni or buttons onto shit. That’s what I pay other people to do.
Your life doesn't have to end just because you become a parent. Your life doesn't have to completely change and revolve solely around your child and things related to your child. An older mom told me that and it always stuck with me.
Fussy baby? Crabby infant? Toddler tantrums? Naughty 3 year old? Sassy 5 year old? Every age and stage can drive you crazy, but it will pass, and there will be better days - and new frustrating behaviors to deal with. Don't get bogged down.
This is basically the Evil Witches ethos, but I still needed to hear it: It's OK not to love being a parent, no matter what you went through to become one. Some parts just suck.
Recreation: Destination recommendation
Friendship: What we brought new moms before we had kids vs. after.
Pre-kids, visiting a brand new mom friend was like seeing someone who had just gone to outer space and back. They were different, but in a way I couldn’t understand until I did it myself. Before I started to get wise to what new mothers really wanted when they were home from the hospital I had a fixation on thoughtful congratulatory cards sent in the mail. No gift card or anything, just a congratulations card. I know that a thoughtful card never hurt anyone, but it also never really helped anyone and when you are home with a new kid for the first time if something isn’t helping why is it there.
I asked some of my friends how what they bring new moms has changed since becoming moms themselves:
Fortunately it is easier than ever to give your new potentially-witchy mom friends the gift of telling them it’s okay to hate their husband (or wife or body or mother in law or life at the moment): send her a gift subscription to Evil Witches:
End credits
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This issue is brought to you by the realization that Fathers Day comes awfully soon after Mothers Day. Awfully soon.
Two witchy things:
PS: Here are a few kind things real live people have been saying about Evil Witches to date:
