Giving kids more e-freedom
Can you do it when a kid is already a little too into screens?
This question was posed by a witch online recently and I asked if I could run the question and some answers. I think in the olden times (IE pre pandemic) it was easier to rope off-screen time from non screen-time, but not anymore and many parents of tweens are dealing with it.
I am really struggling with the transition to having an older kid, especially while remote learning in a culture dominated by screens. My son is 10, and naturally wants more independence, but given his druthers, would spend all leisure time on YouTube or Minecraft. I hate that I have become the arbiter of screen time minutes and that I end up locking up all devices at night. When screens are not an option, he loves to read and build with Lego and be outside and sports, etc. But will default to screens and fixates on them. He also has friends who literally have unfettered access to iPads all day long, every day. This struggle is very much exacerbated by ADHD - he does not have the ability to self-regulate. As an example, he asks me to remove all light bulbs from his room at night so he isn’t tempted to stay up late reading. How have witches with older kids dealt with this?
Other witches have indeed dealt with this! I tried to focus on answers on what has worked (or not worked) for other witches rather than “solutions” since, let’s be real, there are none right now.
“My son gets zero screen time from Monday-Thursday other than virtual school. He definitely sneaks onto Minecraft and YouTube on the school iPad and tries to get over on us, but we don't wage that war as long as he keeps up with his schoolwork. On Friday-Sunday, he gets 2 hours a day of television (on his own) or screen time on the iPad. He is expected to be outside or doing something productive (reading, building stuff, laundry, household chores) when he isn't outside. We also allow him to watch a movie with us on weekend nights that doesn't count against his screen time. His ADHD makes impulse control hard with screen usage, so taking them out of the equation M-Th and having extra time on weekends works. We tried a more complex system like you have, but it didn't work for us and led to constant negotiating and was just too much work. Set guidelines and stick with them. You're doing a fantastic job staying on top of this and your son knows that. It's his job to try to figure a way around your rules.”
"One question I ponder a lot around screens is whether kids can learn/be encouraged to self-regulate with them or just not because the blue light is too powerful. I don't think we have good research or answers on that yet... so I tend to parallel it more to how I approach food, where the research CLEARLY shows that too much restriction breeds fixation. My 7 year old will binge watch a new season of a favorite show or do a 3 hour Zoom playdate, but then voluntarily turn it off to go run around or read -- so while her default setting can definitely be more screen time than I want her to have, I find our relationship around it goes much better when we give her a window in the day where she can more or less make this call herself on how much. During covid, this window has become VERY generous (1pm to 4pm any day she is home during that time). I suspect mileage varies quite a lot by kid, but I guess my overall take is that if you feel like his week still incorporates time to do the other things he loves, then this is maybe fine, especially right now?”
“My 9 and 10-year-olds are elearning here- sucks so bad to have them on screens all damn day! We try to have some rules, but often they backfire - we strive for no screens on school days (screens only mean TikTok for my daughter and Switch for my son - not tv bc whoa, I can't handle that). But it backfires because at 3:15 on Fridays when they normally would go outside and play, they run for the device. And on weekends, they get two hours a day (which is also very loose because some days are just ugh), and if it's like 7 and they haven’t touched it, they get super upset and turn into monsters because it’s not fair they didn't get all their time. Once in a while, we set up a board game, or just linger during/after dinner and casually play conversation games (like start a sentence and go around the table). My thought is if we can get them talking/laughing together away from a screen for just a half hour, it's a win. But it's not planned by any means, so we kinda trick them into family time. So yeah, that's how we roll in my house.”
“My daughter is the same, except Roblox instead of Minecraft (and she would rather be indoors, but that's another story). I have done a couple things: 1) swallowed my screen time concerns, because 90% of the time, she's playing Roblox or Among Us while chatting / calling her friends, and I see it as a way for her to socialize; 2) if she's not playing with friends and has been playing for awhile, I ask her to do something offline; 3) I have taken to signing her up for Outschool classes on weekends on art and animals, which she often gets excited about; 4) whenever the weather allows (which is less often) we go on long walks or find somewhere to go hiking. I don't love all the screen time, but I also think it's a bit of an inevitability of our times. I far prefer hearing her shriek and giggle with her buddies while she's playing Among Us than to her sullenly doing a puzzle with me. My kid is an only child, and the truth is, getting her to use screens the way she did in, say, January of 2020, is only possible if my husband and I spend every waking moment entertaining her, and that's just not feasible.”
“I gave up—full stop—long before the pandemic. Fighting about screens was just one more stressor than I could handle. I will say that my kid still spends a lot of time looking at his phone, and the TV is on unless I ask him to turn it off. I will also say that the TV is often background noise while he draws or makes jewelry or whatever. And he takes a lot of walks of his own volition, and will sometimes turn off the TV and listen to music while he’s sewing or working on a craft project in the kitchen. I sometimes ask him to turn off the TV just because I’m tired of listening to murders or Gordon Ramsey, and my kid does comply without fuss. I do wish that he read as much as he used to, but I don’t feel like trying to force him to read is going to instill a love of reading. Anyway, I feel like we’ve arrived at a balance I can live with and, in any case, I’m certainly not going to try to get him off the phone when it is his only way of connecting with friends.”
“One thing we did was hit the main safety rules hard - with talks, checking their interactions, etc - around issues like privacy, no giving info, no friending someone you don't know IRL. That was really a bedrock for both our teens and I think it helped them learn the actual dangers around screen time and social media. I know that's not what you asked about, but we didn't limit screen time all that much. They seem to have a big interest in it as preteens that naturally peters out, I think? Anyway, no great advice from me. I also talked to both of my kids a LOT about studies showing that screen time or even just having your phone in your room prevents you from doing ‘deep work’ i.e. studying etc. Who knows how effective it is, although my 14 yo will occasionally ask to put her phone ‘in the box’ (we have one set up outside her room) so that she can focus.”
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