Head count

Eating lunch at a museum cafeteria at 10:30 AM

I posed this question not long ago to some witch friends because while I mostly am pretty good with my own kids, larger groups of children make me anxious and having any sort of responsibility over them gives me the actual sweats:

This is pretty dumb but I'm chaperoning my first field trip tomorrow and I’m scared. I'll have a group of four second graders (including my kid) at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. Any tips on chaperoning that preserve any scraps of sanity or energy?

“Note what color coat your kids are wearing!”

“Tell them kids who wander away get kidnapped and put in the basement with the outdated exhibits.”

“A, B, C. Always Be Counting. Those kids want to run off in every direction. Just keep counting so you have your group accounted for at all times. I went on a trip like this to a museum, and only lost one kid. My own. I'm gonna call that a win.”

“Just keep counting. And when they get a little silly, keep moving to an open area. And don’t even ask them what they want to see.”

“Do not lose a kid in the mirror maze, like I did!”

“Take a picture of them all. Write down their names if you're like me and will forget them (I send myself texts with their pics and names). Make them agree to sit down if they feel lost. Hammer it into their heads not to leave any given room / walk through any doors without the rest of the group. That way, if they wonder off from you, at least you’re only looking in one room, not the whole museum. Establish a buddy system between the kids and make them responsible for each other. They thrive on responsibility!”

“Have fun! This is what having flexibility to be part of your kid’s life is about! No pressure! (Seriously though, I hope you have fun and don’t lose any kids you can’t replace.)”

“One thing that really would have helped me that I saw another mom doing is to start with a scan of the map and talk through first we are going, here, then here, then here. Everyone can talk about it but then no whining and complaining about the agreed upon plan. And don’t carry their coats.”

“…or their lunches!”

“And it’s ok to be the mean mom (they carry their own coats, no extra stops for food or whatever they’re whining about.) Blame the teacher. “Mrs X said no gift shop, you can do that when you come with your family!”

“If one stops for the bathroom they all go to the bathroom. And Godspeed. You have earned every drink after. My most stressful chaperone trips were the large museums with small children.”

“Make them think they shouldn’t lose you, not that you’re worried about losing them. Always count-even give them numbers have make a game of counting off before leaving an area. Come up with a team name? ‘Are all the tigers here? 1,2,3,4! Ok let’s go!’”

[Ed. note: I did this last piece of advice and the suggested the group be called “Team Z” for my name. Instead for some reason they wanted to be called “Team Ships” which sounded very much like “Team Shits.” But I brought them all safely into harbor when it it was time to get back on the bus.]

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I hope you enjoyed this issue Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. Please pass it along if you know someone who’d like this sort of thing once or twice a week. Some upcoming topics, if you’re curious or have some insight, include postpartum sex, witches with side hustles, real talk advice for expectant moms, and ways our parents have terrified our kids and called it good fun. If you’re interested in writing a guest post, have a suggested topic or have any general questions or you can reply right to this newsletter. You can also follow us on Instagram and have witchy conversations on Twitter too.

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