My post-COVID schedule
We'll never be bored or lonely or tense or sad or scared again
As of today both my parents are fully vaccinated. There’s no vax on the horizon for me yet but I’m fine with holding on until July 4 or whenever my turn is. I’m trying not to get too ahead of myself but I have put together a schedule of events for how I’d like to spend my time once I’m in the clear:
July 4 — Hug my parents and brother for the first time in over a year. Cry, watch fireworks, cry some more.
July 5— Drop children off at parents’ house for four-week sleepover
July 6—Go to friends’ house; get sloppy
July 7-17 Sit in quiet house; commence going out for every single meal
July 18-21 Clean house without somebody messing it up immediately afterward
July 22-24 Cleaning lady comes over; tip her 5000%
July 25 Eyebrow shaping appointment
July 26 Big group feminist dance meetup
July 27 Massage appointment
July 28 In person gym class
July 29 Another massage
July 30 Commence laser removal of the body hair I got most tired of looking at during lockdown
July 31 Carpet cleaners come over
Aug 1 Facial, pedicure
Aug 2 Remember to get back to work; enjoy working at coffee shop/library
Aug 3 Window washers come over
Aug 4 Get tattoo in honor of surviving the pandemic
Aug 5 Attend baseball game with family
Aug 6-16 “Like” everybody’s post-pandemic hugging photos
Aug 17-25 Trip with spouse to local spa resort
Aug 26 One more massage appointment
Aug 27 Go to guitar class in person and sing with people
Aug 28-Sept 5 Trip with girlfriends
Sept 6 Host a party for the entire neighborhood and all friends in back yard
Sept 7 Mammogram
Sept 8 Dentist appointment
Sept 9 Kids’ dentist appointment
Sept 10 Skin check and facial laser treatment
Sept 11 Hair cut
Sept 12 Huge ecstatic outdoor concert
Sept 13 Attend a wedding, doesn’t matter whose
Sept 14 Leisurely trip to Trader Joe’s
Sept 15 Leisurely trip to Nordstrom beauty counter
Sept 16-23 Leisurely trip to the Caribbean
September 24-27 Drive around hugging people I haven’t gotten around to hugging yet; continue not cooking or washing dishes
Sept 28 Look at post-COVID bills
Sept 29 Look for new, higher-paying job
Sept 30 Happily begin to forget all the important lessons learned from the pandemic
End credits
I hope you enjoyed this issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. What do you have on your post-COVID schedule? If you have any questions, feedback, or suggestions for the newsletter you can reply right to this email. You can follow us on Instagram here and talk to other witches on Twitter, too. If you like this newsletter please give it a shout on social media and if you’ve been thinking about switching from the free to the paid subscription to get bonus content and discussion threads, it’s $30 for a year, less than you probably spend on [perfectly innocuous thing that you require for pleasure that you still feel ashamed for purchasing because of the PATRIARCHY!]
One witchy thing
Fly on an airplane to somewhere I have never been and sit inside the local bars/restaurants/museums with joyful abandon.
Hugging my sibling who lives 3 miles away, but I have only seen for brief outside bouts of shouting at each other is pretty high up there!
I also have a spa gift certificate received for a March 2020 birthday (oops) and per your original schedule I am supposed to see Alanis outside on 9/11 so hopefully that will not be canceled despite the ominous date!