Pandemic haikus

5 syllables so / much to say about laundry / and also sadness

Dead Poets Society Poetry GIF

I saw some witchy friends post online the last few weeks posting haikus about parenting during the pandemic and I rounded up some of my faves here for you. I hope they inspire you to write your own—please do share them and then congratulate yourself for making art during a time of duress.


Home today with kids.
When is it? Who am I? Fuck.
Zoom again. Link, please.


“I’m pandemic fine”
Answer to polite inquiry.
Grade life on a curve.


You deny it, but
I know you left the stealth turd
Did you even wipe

Hush, my angels, for
Daddy’s work demands silence.
Mommy’s job? What’s that?


Sourdough rises
Nothing else in my control
I feed the starter

Let's go outside now
Cool, fall, slice open your arm
And we're back inside


Smacked me in the face
Let's watch ‘Moana’ again
Maybe you will nap

Pt. 1
Here is your tablet.
I need to take a shower.
Is it bedtime yet?


Pt. 2 
Bedtime means nothing
My kid never stops talking
Here is your tablet again

Oh, you want to eat?
Didn’t I just feed you guys?
No. You can’t have chips.


Dear god just type it
Quit messing with the text boxes
Google docs are hell



Our basement flooded
The boys are splashing in it
Too early for wine?



The cat wanted out
She’s good and comes back when called
But now I have fleas


Quarantine real talk:
I just want to be alone.
Go ask your father.|

Husband’s losing weight
Without any exercise
Shouldn’t be surprised

Kids made a TikTok
Spent hours! Got along! What germs?
Til they broke a light.

Notifications:
Pack gym clothes, ninja classes
Cancel yes or no?


Homeschool’s a nightmare
I’m losing my fucking mind
Please stop touching me



Pee in the potty.
No, not there on Daddy's leg.
Well, on second thought.



Fuck this shit right now
I am losing my damn mind
Getting super fat



I'm sorry I screamed.
You're sorry you screamed.
Let's have more ice cream again.



The answer is no.
No no no no no no no.
Please leave me alone.


Just wash the dishes.
If I have to ask again
One of us will die.

Got your own? Reply in comments, via email, or via Twitter.
artist painting GIF

End credits:

Thanks for reading Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers of all kinds of people. If you're interested in possibly submitting or have any general questions just shoot us an email. If you know someone who'd like this sort of thing in their inbox about once or twice a week, please spread the word. You can follow us via Instagram or Twitter. If you want to support this work and get some extra content please become a paid subscriber which is a mere $30 a year:

Favor: Due to pandemic, this newsletter makes up a bigger portion of my income than it did last year. Big time. If you don’t mind, if you like this newsletter enough to spare a moment of your time, please shout it out on Twitter, if you like it or think you might one day like it or even once liked it. Here are a few issues from the last year or so that people seemed to dig if you need to see more:

Thanks. I’m making this up as I go along as we all are.


One witchy thing

I Understand After The Final Rose GIF by The Bachelorette