This is very Relatable to My Life. After a good flounce, I tell myself it is good for the skin, and also good to show these future men that we ARE working and thinking humans just like the snoring fathers. Read the room, turds!
And also, my 9yo says "offense" like he is talking about the football term, so now you can think of that and laugh.
I do not have success. Well sometimes I can distract the kids with things (but she is neurotypical and kind of used to playing alone only child) but that is usually when i have to because her dad is also working and his working pays all the bills. However, on say a random holiday he has off right before or after a big family vacation, I say things very very clearly like: I need these 3 hours monday morning to get work done, and I need some peace and quiet to do it, so it is very important you are the primary parent with the kid and help me to preserve that time. Somehow he hears: be an involved primary parent for thirty minutes or so until she is caught up in some activity he is not a part of so he gets bored and decides this is the perfect moment to begin very involved house project he has never before mentioned approximately 8 minutes before she gets bored with what she is done and moves on but now he cannot be drawn into her needs because house project and now I get drawn from my work to keep her out if not kid-friendly house project and lose an hour or more if my three hours and I don’t know how to be more clear about my expectations of the grown adult man who cannot sit still.
For whatever reason this took me back to my days of being the solo parent while my spouse taught college classes (something I did 3x/week for 3 months & which has expanded in my memory to The Endlessly Long Era in Which I Did All Parenting) when my kid was 1~5-18 months old. I managed to get into an actual groove with work while he was in the playyard in the other room, until I suddenly realized it was quiet-too-quiet-TM & went to check on him. He had fallen asleep(??) on the floor(???) even though it was way before his usual naptime, which was all fine & good except for the intense panic & horror I experienced upon approaching his prone, nonresponsive body surrounded by toys.
All of which is to say, I guess, that even when you do get some peace & quiet it ends up backfiring somehow.
No success. If I'm physically present in any way, shape or form, I'm gonna get interrupted. Like you, my response varies based on lots of variables lol. But frankly, I've just accepted that for this season of life, if I need to get something done, I've got to take it offsite. It sucks! But it's better for me personally than the alternative, which is to start stewing in hatred when I think of my supposedly beloved spouse and children.
Jul 20, 2023·edited Jul 20, 2023Liked by Claire Zulkey
Oh ho ho yes. Good for you! We were 3 days in to a 2 week vacation with 7 year old twins and I had to curb myself from saying, “you know, the zoo and a f*cking childrens museum are not my idea of fun, your dad and I could be doing WAY more fun things than this sh*t.” But they just wouldn’t care! LOL. Your advice on not taking this stuff personally is so spot on. I will keep trying!
I am ready to flounce after spending the past few weeks at my parents' house and trying to mediate between them, kids, and husband. Then I think back to my last "flounce," which was landing in the hospital with postpartum pre-eclampsia after my twins were born (and my mom was staying with us to help) and all that happened was that my husband and mom complained about each other, to me, separately in my hospital room, and about who was more inconvenienced.
(This is uncharitable to the ways they do help me out but it just happens that this newsletter comes on a day where everyone is being an asshole)
wow it's like you've been inside my house. (today especially!)
this reminds me of the last big fight I had with my husband when I came home from a weekend away with the kids (he'd been home, presumably with no reason why he couldn't go to the grocery store) and he asked me, "so what are we having for dinner?" I was so filled with fury I had to put my sneakers back on and leave the house, but then I just stood at the end of our cul de sac feeling like an asshole. then I told one of my neighbors about it and she told me she'd recently been so mad at everyone in her house, she had to go down the steps and sit by the river, so I felt better. there's really something about a rage that just propels you right out the front door.
I'm a champion flouncer and I constantly take it personally. If it makes you feel any better, I have exactly the same thoughts about my flaming asshole daughters, so it's actually not a boy thing that you're failing to counter.
yep. she’s actually the worse of the 4 of them about giving me space. it’s summer so naturally her bedtime is now the same as mine and she has decided she is sleeping with me again. and i just don’t have the energy. but i feel really guilty when sometimes her just being near me makes me recoil
Flounce, flounce, and flounce again while no one notices. Add dramatic sighs.
The only things my kids know about me that distinguishes me from a food/laundry/Waymo robot are: my favorite color is black and I can't stand bananas. If I need space I go in our in-law and tell them I'm cleaning it. They are vaguely aware I have a job but it's part time and not WFH (RN) so it's more conceptual to them.
My husband is the worst at WFH. He never uses his home "office" but we can't use it for anything else. He has lost his LAPTOP multiple times in our house. He takes calls in front of us. Needless to say no one respects his work boundaries because he's not setting them. Thankfully he's mostly back in office.
i like to add “i’m responsible for 6 people’s lives (that’s everyone including husband)” and some “gaslighting” as my teenagers like to exaggerate which is really just me listing everything i do and everything they do (which is nothing so it DOES come across as a guilt trip 😬😬). but they deserve it...😂
and #2 just came in, while i’m in the shower (and i am like a 10 min max shower person) bc it is absolutely essential that he talk to me this very second...he is 16 YEARS old...
Oh man I would not handle things well if I were soloing the morning parent thing. ...though this morning 4yr old got carried to and then strapped into the car screaming cause he didn't get to carry his backpack (??!) and husband who had a 9am meeting was 10 min past agreed upon leaving time and just totally done. So to answer the question of 'does kid respect adult's requests for time?' I've got a solid NOPE. Someday he'll realize other people exist, right?
I read the first half of this brilliant post, and have gotten interrupted approximately 8 million times since then, and am only just finishing it now. I loved what you said about how sometimes they do take care of their stuff on their own no problem, and it’s the unpredictability that adds to the infuriation , if you will. 8 almost 9 has been hard for me in this respect
Being the morning parent is a bitch. That is all I have to add. Solidarity for morning parents.
thank you! I see you
This is very Relatable to My Life. After a good flounce, I tell myself it is good for the skin, and also good to show these future men that we ARE working and thinking humans just like the snoring fathers. Read the room, turds!
And also, my 9yo says "offense" like he is talking about the football term, so now you can think of that and laugh.
🎯🎯🎯🎯
“He also said he would start getting up earlier, which I didn’t request” is excellent husbanding
I do not have success. Well sometimes I can distract the kids with things (but she is neurotypical and kind of used to playing alone only child) but that is usually when i have to because her dad is also working and his working pays all the bills. However, on say a random holiday he has off right before or after a big family vacation, I say things very very clearly like: I need these 3 hours monday morning to get work done, and I need some peace and quiet to do it, so it is very important you are the primary parent with the kid and help me to preserve that time. Somehow he hears: be an involved primary parent for thirty minutes or so until she is caught up in some activity he is not a part of so he gets bored and decides this is the perfect moment to begin very involved house project he has never before mentioned approximately 8 minutes before she gets bored with what she is done and moves on but now he cannot be drawn into her needs because house project and now I get drawn from my work to keep her out if not kid-friendly house project and lose an hour or more if my three hours and I don’t know how to be more clear about my expectations of the grown adult man who cannot sit still.
😂😂😂😂😂....laughing crying bc what else can you do. and YES
I feel like the customer who always gets grover as his waiter. But also he married the waiter.
I’m cross-stitching this perfect analogy into a sampler.
subject line: "leaving" is an entire vibe and I am here for it. or THERE, or LEAVING FOR IT, as the case may be.
For whatever reason this took me back to my days of being the solo parent while my spouse taught college classes (something I did 3x/week for 3 months & which has expanded in my memory to The Endlessly Long Era in Which I Did All Parenting) when my kid was 1~5-18 months old. I managed to get into an actual groove with work while he was in the playyard in the other room, until I suddenly realized it was quiet-too-quiet-TM & went to check on him. He had fallen asleep(??) on the floor(???) even though it was way before his usual naptime, which was all fine & good except for the intense panic & horror I experienced upon approaching his prone, nonresponsive body surrounded by toys.
All of which is to say, I guess, that even when you do get some peace & quiet it ends up backfiring somehow.
"prone, nonresponsive" two words that are chilling back to back!
No success. If I'm physically present in any way, shape or form, I'm gonna get interrupted. Like you, my response varies based on lots of variables lol. But frankly, I've just accepted that for this season of life, if I need to get something done, I've got to take it offsite. It sucks! But it's better for me personally than the alternative, which is to start stewing in hatred when I think of my supposedly beloved spouse and children.
'No success' is refreshing tbh. It helps me lower my expectations.
My husband made a new "stay out" sign that kept the kit out *this* morning but he was v. salty about it.
yep. physically present or reachable by text or phone means i’m it
Oh ho ho yes. Good for you! We were 3 days in to a 2 week vacation with 7 year old twins and I had to curb myself from saying, “you know, the zoo and a f*cking childrens museum are not my idea of fun, your dad and I could be doing WAY more fun things than this sh*t.” But they just wouldn’t care! LOL. Your advice on not taking this stuff personally is so spot on. I will keep trying!
I am ready to flounce after spending the past few weeks at my parents' house and trying to mediate between them, kids, and husband. Then I think back to my last "flounce," which was landing in the hospital with postpartum pre-eclampsia after my twins were born (and my mom was staying with us to help) and all that happened was that my husband and mom complained about each other, to me, separately in my hospital room, and about who was more inconvenienced.
(This is uncharitable to the ways they do help me out but it just happens that this newsletter comes on a day where everyone is being an asshole)
wow it's like you've been inside my house. (today especially!)
this reminds me of the last big fight I had with my husband when I came home from a weekend away with the kids (he'd been home, presumably with no reason why he couldn't go to the grocery store) and he asked me, "so what are we having for dinner?" I was so filled with fury I had to put my sneakers back on and leave the house, but then I just stood at the end of our cul de sac feeling like an asshole. then I told one of my neighbors about it and she told me she'd recently been so mad at everyone in her house, she had to go down the steps and sit by the river, so I felt better. there's really something about a rage that just propels you right out the front door.
I'm a champion flouncer and I constantly take it personally. If it makes you feel any better, I have exactly the same thoughts about my flaming asshole daughters, so it's actually not a boy thing that you're failing to counter.
yep. she’s actually the worse of the 4 of them about giving me space. it’s summer so naturally her bedtime is now the same as mine and she has decided she is sleeping with me again. and i just don’t have the energy. but i feel really guilty when sometimes her just being near me makes me recoil
Flounce, flounce, and flounce again while no one notices. Add dramatic sighs.
The only things my kids know about me that distinguishes me from a food/laundry/Waymo robot are: my favorite color is black and I can't stand bananas. If I need space I go in our in-law and tell them I'm cleaning it. They are vaguely aware I have a job but it's part time and not WFH (RN) so it's more conceptual to them.
My husband is the worst at WFH. He never uses his home "office" but we can't use it for anything else. He has lost his LAPTOP multiple times in our house. He takes calls in front of us. Needless to say no one respects his work boundaries because he's not setting them. Thankfully he's mostly back in office.
i like to add “i’m responsible for 6 people’s lives (that’s everyone including husband)” and some “gaslighting” as my teenagers like to exaggerate which is really just me listing everything i do and everything they do (which is nothing so it DOES come across as a guilt trip 😬😬). but they deserve it...😂
I just so appreciate you sharing this. I've known many flounces and I always feel so guilty.
and #2 just came in, while i’m in the shower (and i am like a 10 min max shower person) bc it is absolutely essential that he talk to me this very second...he is 16 YEARS old...
Oh man I would not handle things well if I were soloing the morning parent thing. ...though this morning 4yr old got carried to and then strapped into the car screaming cause he didn't get to carry his backpack (??!) and husband who had a 9am meeting was 10 min past agreed upon leaving time and just totally done. So to answer the question of 'does kid respect adult's requests for time?' I've got a solid NOPE. Someday he'll realize other people exist, right?
I read the first half of this brilliant post, and have gotten interrupted approximately 8 million times since then, and am only just finishing it now. I loved what you said about how sometimes they do take care of their stuff on their own no problem, and it’s the unpredictability that adds to the infuriation , if you will. 8 almost 9 has been hard for me in this respect
it's almost worse that way. I know you can do it, jerk