Sick like a boss
A permission slip
Note: This is a free version of Evil Witches. If you like it and want to see all of it, not just the freebies, subscribe!
As I write I have three hours and forty minutes until my strep throat is no longer contagious. It’s not the end of the world—in some ways it was a little gratifying to realize that perhaps my body is not feeling shitty like this all the time for no reason, and that I didn’t waste a trip to the Walgreens clinic for nothing. I know, antibiotics will be the end of us but until it bites me in the ass specifically, give me that magic bullet please.
Here are the secret good things I’ve found that come with being Officially Sick:
No laundry. Too weak.
No shopping or cooking. Too tired.
No putting kids to bed or being around them in general. Too contagious
No exercising. Must rest.
Finally an excuse to watch nine episodes straight of “Killing Eve.” You gotta do something while you’re in bed.
Kids actually seem to care about my well-being. Poor mysterious staying-in-bed mommy.
An actual impetus to wash the sheets when it’s all over, rather than that vague “I should probably wash the sheets sometime?” feeling I have when I’m well.
Of course single parents don’t get these good things, so if you are a single mom who lives around me, please consider this email a coupon to put up the Bat Signal next time you’re ill so I can come and bring you groceries or takeout or fold some laundry for you.
Those of you who do have partners who cannot seem to take the reins while you’re ill (or those of you who are unwilling to leave them to their own devices) all I can advise is lots of practice enabling your families to function without you. I will set up an Etsy shop with unwashed drinking glasses from my contagion time for you to purchase and sip from.
House and home: Second only to an old milk cup
Relationships: Some dumb things our partners have asked us of late
I was recently asked what time our son's school day ends (it's his fifth year there)
While standing next to a hot, gurgling coffee maker, asked, "Did you make coffee? Is it ready yet?"
My building has two addresses, which we use interchangeably. Husband, at the polls: "What address did I use when I registered to vote?" Me: "There are some things I cannot do for you."
Whether our spare rooms were ready for guests. Son, you also have eyes.
Last year my husband went to an evening event at my kid's school and WHILE THERE texted me asking which door to go in.
He called me today to ask if pre-care has a drop in option at school. It does not. Our kids have never done pre-care in four years. He handles 99% of school drop offs.
Takes off son's shirt as he helps him get ready for a shower: "Do we need to wash this?"
Mine asks where his jeans are like 5 times a week. He walks the dogs in the morning then takes his jeans off in random spots around the house before showering. So, every day I pick them up and put them in his closet. And he acts very annoyed about it, like he left his jeans on the kids’ trampoline on purpose. You know, because kids love that.
Should he throw away this quarter of a pear that's been sitting out all day? What about these gnawed on carrot sticks? Should we save this browning apple our kids keep rejecting?
My husband asks me regularly whether he should run the dishwasher when he is literally looking into it, while I am in another room.
The details of an email I had sent him 12 hours earlier that he had already read.
Hi remember how I was at work today? Well I just got home and HE ASKED ME IF WE HAD ANY CHEESE. HE HAS BEEN HOME ALL DAY
“Where’s the milk?”
My husband called me this morning and asked me, for probably the 50th time, which nuts our daughter is ok to eat.
We’re sitting on the couch watching tv and he just asked me what time it is. I am not wearing a watch. His phone is exactly the same distance from him that mine is.
The name of his doctor.
Children: Biology 101
Beauty: Face time.
There are certain formerly-taboo topics in life that get normalized with time and age, like poop issues, cannabis use, and, of course, face procedures. The first time a friend told me she got Botox I was scandalized. It was like the first time someone I knew told me they had done cocaine. People I know do this??
I think the most normal reaction to learning your friend has gotten something done to her face is to, of course, realize suddenly that she has been looking amazing, and to then ask a million questions which she will probably gladly fill you in on.
Then your job is to decide whether you are just going to take your chances and bravely age in your current unadulterated face or get in there and slow things down, touch things up, what have you.
But perhaps you live in a remote area or your friends or are all naturally beautiful and don’t mess with their faces. Don’t you still want to hear all about it?
I’m here 4 u : here, in beautiful Google Doc form, are results of an informal survey of my mom friends on aesthetic procedures they’ve had done that don’t require general anesthesia. If you want to know how much you can expect to spend on Botox, how much facial blistering occurs after Fraxel, or whether laser hair removal does anything, check it out. (Mobile users, I apologize; you can still view it but it’s more of a desktop situation.)
If you want to add your own experiences anonymously, please reach out and I’ll update it accordingly and send a link to an updated version down the line.
Parenting: Still counts.
Thanks for reading Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. If you have input on today’s newsletter or on anything you can follow us and chat us up here. If you're interested in possibly submitting or have any general questions just shoot us an email. If you know someone who'd like this sort of thing in their inbox about once a week, please spread the word—folks can check out the OG and sporadic upcoming free ones but all the cool kids pay for subscriptions. (FYI next week’s issue will probably come a little later than usual d/t Memorial Day; forgiveness please.)
This issue is brought to you by my discovery that a friend of mine, the impossibly-perfect hostess and cook with seemingly effortless casually-chic taste, just dumps her family’s laundry on top of the dryer and doesn’t fold or sort it. It was her portrait of Dorian Gray and it made me love her more than her blackberry buckle made with berries picked from her garden.
One witchy thing
Some more nice things people have been saying about witches, if you have been on the fence about subscribing:
My friend introduced me to Evil Witches and it gives me so much life.
I love your newsletter! Thank you. I am drinking coffee, reading, laughing and giving myself a moment!
As a mom of two, I enjoy hearing your experiences. It makes me feel less like a failing adult.