Snuggling from 10:00-10:02 PM

adorable dog bed GIF

They have these ENT center radio commercials here where a doctor laments a “sleep divorce,” basically equating it to actual divorce if you don’t sleep with your partner. I have really rethought the idea of separate beds since this important interview about sleeping apart on purpose but sometimes you have to share your bed out of necessity or old time’s sake. Maybe you even like sharing your bed, I don’t know. But a lot more of you than not would prefer an invisible forcefield at bedtime:

I may be alone on this hill but I fucking HAAATE cuddling with my husband for more than five minutes. It gets so hot and one person is always either in an uncomfortable position (me) or moving way too much (him). It is like sleeping with a toddler but with more emotional baggage when you say “GET OFF OF ME, I'M GOING TO DIE OF HEAT STROKE.

If you feel like a weirdo for wanting to be left untouched at the time of sleep, you’re not alone (and you’re not alone if you secretly like a grownup bedtime cuddle, either, but you are a minority):

“OMG yes! it’s so squishy and hot and uncomfortable. I sleep at the very edge of our bed where it’s nice and cool.”

“I asked him to stop cuddling me last week. No thank you to your 200 degree boa constrictor arm draped over me while I'm trying to go to sleep.”

“My husband's arms weigh a ton and he is smothering. I'm cool with couch cuddling, but I need my own space in bed. Move over!”

“Cuddle for a few and then go back to your side and please no touchy the rest of the night. Couch cuddles are ok but bed is my space. And roll over so you are not loud breathing into my face. I started wearing ear plugs to sleep when the kid was born, because I was so hyper sensitive to the sounds he made that I basically could not sleep at all. Every sigh, grunt, anything, I was fully awake. Kid is now 8 and I am still wearing ear plugs… With the leg twitching going on lately, I really think that they were on to something with the separate beds thing in the 50’s…”

“No cuddles. Maybe hand holding but only for a bit. You are not alone.”

“No cuddles. I want to put one limb on you, you may put one limb on me. When time's up, roll over and sleep please.”

“Once my feet are warm, I am going to remove them from my husband's leg, and then roll as far away as possible.”

“Feet warming is the only acceptable form of body contact, and only one way. No way is he sticking his icicles on me!”

“First I feel smothered physically, and then I start spinning out over how it just shows how marriage is so smothering in every way. Get off before I start thinking about divorce.”

“Sometimes my husband now lightly puts a hand on my hip at bedtime and then takes it away after 20 seconds. That's just about enough.”

“Maybe if I'm like very sad about something I'll lay my head on his chest for 2 minutes. That's as cuddly as it gets. Luckily we're on the same page.”

“It hurts my neck to lay on his chest and he wants to cuddle. I’ll give it a couple minutes maybe once a month”

“Ugh, I am guilty. I'm the smotherer. We've mostly come to terms, but I would say my snuggle/touch needs are approx 500% more than his.”

“I am ALWAYS freezing and my husband just radiates so much delightful heat, though unfortunately he does not enjoy being treated like a human footwarmer / hand muff / blanket.”

“Definitely not to sleep. For brief intervals but I must be alone and untouched (minus small dog) to sleep.”

“My husband always wants to spoon me but this doesn’t work for me for multiple reasons. 1) I am too hot especially on my back once I’ve been sleeping. 2) Post c-sections I find it very uncomfortable to have weight on my hip, waist or even ribs sometimes. So no big man arm draped over me. 3) snuggling often turns into him trying to hump me like a teenager which I find exhausting always, but especially when I am already tired.”

“Cuddling < 5 minutes > Smothering”

Steve Martin Bedtime GIF

End credits

I hope you enjoyed this issue Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. Please pass it along if you know someone who’d like this sort of thing a few times a week. If today’s issue made you stop feeling so bad about being an unloving person at bedtime please consider becoming a paid subscriber to support the work. Or just pass it along to someone who also has strong opinions about bed space:

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