That one thing
A couch cushion too far
A witch posted online:
“What's your motherhood kryptonite? That thing that you rationally know you should deal better with but always sets you off anyway?”
We all have that thing. Maybe more than one thing. Read on to find out who else shares your flames-on-the-side-of-my-face hot buttons and who gets triggered by other things that you didn’t think to find annoying but surely will now:
“When my seven-year-old is a messy, sloppy, slouchy eater. RAGE. When he sticks his finger in a sauce to taste it I just want to shriek. Gosh it drives me crazy.”
“My kids use like ten washcloths per shower or bath, minimum. WHY???”
“Right now the one I’m feeling most guilty about is how I handle the inevitable million follow-up questions to everything. ‘But why am I going to a different dance class today? Where will we go? Is it in the same place? Is Ms. Christina still the teacher? Will I practice for the recital? How long is it? Can you do my hair like Rey from Star Wars again?’ Like I should find her curiosity and persistence adorable and instead I’m like SHUT UUUUUP GO AWAY I NEED COFFEE.”
“When they fight. Makes me lose my tempter 100x faster than anything else. I'm trying to do so much work on this but I find it very hard to be the grownup when they are going at each other and the volume goes way, way up. I try to call on a sense of humor but again, it's hard."
“I lose it when they spill milk or juice. I don’t know why but I just can’t handle it. The one percent that is an accident I don’t care. But the 99% that happens because they are waving a fairy wand around the table or climbing onto the counter or making a stupid blanket fort under the counter and just happen to knock the purple smoothie over. Ugh I lose it.”
“I can't handle dinner time. They take FOREVER. They don't sit in their seats, they slouch, wander or sit on their knees. They complain if we've varied any meal even slightly from their norm. They ask for things that they can easily get themselves. They ask 100 times if they can have a treat, even though the rule has always been - only if you finish your meal. They spill things constantly.”
“I fucking HATE when they completely ignore me. My mom used to rage when I ignored her and now I GET IT. It’s like I’m talking to the goddamn wall. I literally yell ‘acknowledge me!’ to my 8 year old.”
“When my toddler looks me straight in the eyes with a smug grin on his face and throws his food on the floor. I basically want to rip his arms off.”
“Lying about or giving me shit about washing his hands. There is ONE thing we ALL have to do in this pandemic so of course he has to be a dick about it.”
“LICKING. OMFG SPIT!”
“Contrarian negativity. “Hey, we’re having X for dinner- your favorite!” “I wanted Y....”
“‘I don’t feel like it’ when I’d ask them to help empty the dishwasher or whatever. Motherfucker, do you think *I* feel like it?!”
End credits
Thank you for reading Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers who also can list things they really love about their kids but that’s not as cathartic or fun to talk about. If you have any questions, ideas, suggested topics or questions about submissions, you can reply right to this email. I aim to do an upcoming newsletter geared towards witches asking for raises during a pandemic, if you have any advice or questions on that front. If you know someone who'd like this sort of thing in their inbox about once or twice a week, go ahead and forward or share. You can follow us via Instagram or Twitter — please give us a shout online if you like this issue. If you want to support this ad/sponsor-free work and get some extra content and access to subscriber-only discussion threads, please become a paid subscriber, a mere $30 for a whole year (you can also subscribe monthly.) This newsletter comes out of one lady’s house and does not have ads or sponcon so those subscriptions mean a lot.
One witchy thing
Very cathartic to read! My kids are teens now but I do remember the couch cushions and food battles. One thing my husband did which alleviated some of my rage was he put out a plate of fruit and veg for the kids to graze on all day so I didn't care so much when they didn't eat much at dinner.
I get irrationally angry about the extravagant use of toiletries of mine, like conditioner or lotions, on projects such as slime recipes sourced from YouTube by my 8yo.