FINE

👩🏽‍⚖️ I'LL JUST DO IT 👩🏽‍⚖️

I literally do not have ANY time for this but since everyone is being so incompetent I guess I’ll step up. Because it’s always gotta be mom, right?

I’ll be Speaker of the House. Even though I’ve been having the longest period ever.

Yes, it’s FINE. I’ll make time to figure it out. Yeah I know it will be hard to commute from Chicago to Washington DC what with sports practice and the Zombie Scramble and my kid’s guitar class this weekend but I will just download a few extra podcasts and make it happen.

No I don’t need any help. Luckily last weekend I made a lot of freezer food and so that should have everyone at home set for the week. The boys’ clothes are in the dryer. You know what? I’ll just get them out and put them away before I go to the Capitol. I said it’s fine.

I don’t know why I should have expected NOT to be Speaker of the House. I mean I do everything else around here. No I’m not mad!!! I’m just stressed and tired.

I was going to get a pedicure this weekend but I’ll just do it at red lights I guess.

Can someone please email the Representatives and ask if they need me to bring snacks? I can pick up some Gatorade and chips if someone else can order the pizza. You know I’ll just order the pizza and I’ll give the government my Venmo and hopefully they can all chip in $12 each but if not, whatever!!!

Yes I’m sure. Stop asking me.

I said I’m not mad.

I just gotta jump in the shower really quick before I head out. Is that OK? Yes? Does anyone need anything from me before I take my shower? It’ll be a fast one. Just neck down and no shaving.

I know we have family therapy later today. I will Zoom from the car as I drive.

Will I get the votes to be confirmed? Girl I don’t even know. I kind of hope not. Lol. But LBR who else will do this. It feels like it’s always the same four people who volunteer for this shit. But whatever.

I have a few ideas for ways to get together some money to fix the leftover damage from January 6, like maybe a silent auction if I can make some time to call around to local businesses, or a website with one of those thermometers that shows how much money has been raised. I am so curious about people who have time to support an insurrection. Must be nice!

I’ve been following an Instagram account from a parenting influencer lately and they do funny videos like “POV: Your wife is now the leader of the House of Representatives” (it’s a guy with a towel on his head with the towel standing in for long hair) and they’re so relatable. That kind of stuff keeps me sane.

Yes I’m a Democrat. Do you see anyone else stepping up to do it? If you don’t want me, I have other things to do. You have one minute to decide. I’m going to set a timer on my phone right now for you to let me know. Oh you are ok with it? I thought so.

What’s my plan for keeping the Representatives in line? I don’t know. I’ll probably just have them run around outside for an hour or so while the weather is good to tire them out and then it’s snacks and screen time for 45 minutes or so until they go home—but shows only, no Youtube. And if they can’t get along they’ll find out the hard way that everyone is going in time out. I don’t even care. I don’t play. Just try me. FAFO.

Oh what, now Matt Gaetz is mad at me for not ever supporting Donald Trump in any way? That’s funny. Like he thinks I’ve never had a man be mad at me. Having at least one white man be disappointed in me every day is my comfort zone. He can be mad all he wants. Sorry he doesn’t like the way I do things (I am not sorry.) When I see him in the Capitol parking lot I’ll just smile at him like nothing is wrong. I don’t have time for his bullshit. Have you seen his instagram stories lately? What a thirsty bitch. He’s all “#nomakeup” but he is not “#nofilter” amirite? Anyway his wife is pretty chill though, we chatted at the last moms meetup.

I hope I get ousted. It would be a great break. But I’m not holding my breath.

Don’t forget trick-or-treating is in a few weeks. Ah you know I’ll just order some candy on Amazon at the first rest stop I get to. I know they’re evil but they’re such a godsend for when shit hits the fan and you have to go join the legislative branch of government. Please save me one peanut butter cup for when I get back if it’s not too much trouble.

Oh god, I have to read all these bills?! Fine. I’ll do it after bedtime. I’ll low-key do it in front of the Golden Bachelor. I wish I could date Gerry. I feel like he would be so patient and sweet in this situation.

I’m going to do everything I can not to let the government shut down. I remember 2020. The last thing I need is to homeschool an entire House. Our home printer is not up to that. I don’t even care if they do good work when they’re in session, as long as they’re in session. BYE.

Someone please check on Joe and Kamala to make sure they’re feeling good because if I have to be President I am going to scream for real.

Someone also please remind my husband that school gets out early at 2:30 on Wednesday and that the older kid has a sleepover at a friend’s this weekend. You know I’ll just pack his overnight bag while I’m packing up to be third in line to the Presidency. It will be easier that way.

I say this every time but I swear to god I am NOT volunteering for anything else after this.

Does anyone else need a ride to DC? I hope it’s OK but I need to drop the dog off at the groomers on the way. Just let me clean out my car first before I pick you up.

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One witchy thing