Good things for grandparents to say
This message has been pre-approved by your stressed-out adult child
Some Boomer-age-ish parents have been incredibly helpful and steadfast as their adult children handle raising kids in a pandemic. Others have been guilty of adding anxiety to anxiety (“What are you going to do???”), critiquing parenting (“Has she gained a little weight?”), obsessing over staying consistent with the old world (“Have you figured out travel baseball yet?”) or unhelpfully bright-siding (“You’ll figure it out—you always do!”)
A friend of mine shared a list of pre-approved responses she was contemplating sharing with one of her parents of the things they are allowed to say when she calls to vent. They include:
“That sounds really hard. I wish you didn't have to go through it.”
“I know this is a difficult choice, but I'm sure you'll make the right one.”
“Whatever you decide to do, I'll be thinking of you and sending love.”
“I can tell how much stress you're under, and I hope you can do something nice for yourself today.”
“Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate! Is there anything I can do or say that would help?”
I would add the following:
“I was never in a situation like that as a parent; I know you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got and you’ve got my support.”
“We can pay for some/all of that.”
“Do you need us to bring by dinner?”
“Feel free to delete” (regarding any article video that’s sent just for fun or “FYI”).
Finally, this is not an approved phrase but an approved action — if a grandparent forwards an article to a parent that they think might be helpful or truly delightful, they must read the entire thing themselves first and then quote whatever part is helpful or truly delightful in the email.
What would you add to the pre-approved guide for older relatives who need a little help being helpful?
End credits
I hope you enjoyed this issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. Feel free to forward this and encourage friends to subscribe, or, better yet, buy a subscription for someone you love. Use this link to buy someone a gift subscription for 20% off between today and Monday February 15. If you have any questions, feedback or suggestions you can reply right to this email. You can follow us on Instagram here and talk to other witches on Twitter, too.
Some upcoming topics we’re covering include how to give older kids more independence when they are also have a strong tendency to refer to screens, and “dumb, easy little tricks or hacks that make things at home even a tiny bit easier” (verbatim.) If you think you have any advice on those fronts just let me know!
Next week there will be fewer posts from me as we have a short week of school this week and next and I’m starting my first week doing a part time project. Thank you for your patience — I know you understand.
One witchy thing
I feel this so deeply. My parents have been amazing, mostly. We have de-camped to their bigger, suburban place for 2-3 week stretches twice in the last 10 months and after working out the initial kinks of their house being a 100x times louder with us in it, they are helpful and supportive. BUT. I was able to get them a vaccine appointment in a neighboring city since they are 1B and they weren't having success on their own, and they complained that the location (30 minutes from their house) was not the most convenient. Oh, really?! I will actually cry when I get the vaccine from relief, but by all means, complain about how you have to take time out of your day to get a potentially life-saving shot that your daughter moved heaven and earth to get you access to.
And then my dad asked me what our school district was thinking about going back and I mentioned they're discussing hybrid models for April but it's all very unclear, and he said, "Well, we've been there, done that." And I know in my good heart that he meant he has "been there" with kids and school choices generally, but in my actual heart I stopped cold and said, "You have been nowhere and done nothing." And then I hung up the phone. I think he finally got that he had crossed a line, and he legitimately felt bad, so he sent me an email thanking me for getting he and my mom appointments (which he hadn't done even though it had been over a week) and then he gave my non-profit organization a donation. Which, you don't need to buy my love, actually gratefulness will do, but I will also take your money.
Whew, this just hit a nerve this morning. I will save this and forward it should they ever try to give me unhelpful advice again.
Ugh I deeply want to live in the beautiful fantasy world where this is what grandparents say. I’m monumentally fortunate that the only one I’ve ever heard in the last year is “we can pay for some of that,” but it doesn’t balance out the early April, “well if this had happened when you guys little, I’d have just made a curriculum and done it every day,” or the extremely hurtful email sent 5 hours into our heavily planned, safe-as-possible, risk-assessed, 18-hour cross-country drive (::ahem:: to see the other grandparents) about how terrible our decisions were and how *disappointed* they were that we were being so cavalier about everyone’s health, or the endless stream of “FYI” texts about what not to do or which bad decision makers tested positive.
Woof. Ok. Sorry. May we all do better than our parents. Or my parents, I guess 😂 I want these phrases tattooed on my forearm.