65 Comments

Wait wait wait, are you telling me that a lifetime of feeling like a swamp witch surrounded by Pretty People is finally paying off? Those years of high school where all of my friends were gorgeous and I wasn't, my time in college when I still couldn't figure out how to get shiny hair, my early 20s when I could never wear mascara on the ski slopes like Lindsey Vonn, marrying a man who thinks my face looks weird with makeup on, all of that is why I feel zero pressure to get any kind of Botox or plastic surgery at 40??? Hallelujah!

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haha I know, I was like well that pretty person syndrome isn't something I struggle with. (Not looking for compliments, that's just not my identity)

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LOL! Yeah me neither, I know nobody here knows what I look like (I'm not actually Mary Pickford) but I have a strong enough grasp on reality to know that I just look like an average human being. I'm not a Pretty Person but I'm not actually a swamp witch or even ugly, like, this is just my human face, you may have seen human faces before and this is one of them!

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I found this to be really helpful and validating, and I appreciate your speaking with a female plastic surgeon for her perspective. Whether or not we like it, these are feelings and pressures that many of us confront on a daily basis, and it's nice to hear thoughtful and honest reflections on a topic that still feels (to me) shameful or taboo. When you mentioned "pretty person syndrome," it made me realize I'm dealing with a kind of "young person syndrome," where for my whole life, people commented on how young I looked. I hated it in my teens and 20s, of course, but it became a weird part of my identity, and now that I no longer look "young," it makes me feel like I'm missing something. I struggle with this more than I would like to admit. In any case, thank you for writing about this.

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Thanks for sharing. If anything I feel like Botox etc has become pretty commonplace as a way to do "self-care" it sucks though because that means putting huge amounts of money into trying to achieve impossible ageist and sexist ideals

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I am drawing a lot of comfort from the fact that I am still going to get invited to dinner parties even though I have a wattle

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according to my 7th grade mom chat the thing yo should really be embarrassed about isn't a wattle but owning a winter coat.

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who are these procedures for? for the approval of that ever-present specter that is Male Gaze? better to spend the time and money on taking a philosophy course and pondering the meaning of living a life that we KNOW must one day come to an end, than to go under the knife to try to look “young”.

in our capitalist system, being productive and being consumers are deemed worthy above all else, but we don’t have to fall into that trap.

i hope one day to be a very very old woman with a face and body that looks very very old. i should be so lucky to get to look into the mirror and see decades of wisdom and love congealed into wrinkles and flabby skin.

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I also have a theory that sometimes just as humans people feel, well, bored and hope that something scary/risky might pay off and make us feel renewed. I think there is something tied between the desire to get a piercing or a tattoo or some kind of 'work' done.

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Recommend Jessica DeFino 's Review of Beauty substack (previously called the unpublishable) to unpack beauty standards and how they unconsciously screw with us individually and at the society level. It's helped me a lot to DO LESS. And honestly, my skin is better now that I'm not constantly doing retinol and scrubs and lotions

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The way I clicked this SO FAST. I'm 42 and facelifts have gone from "wtf, never" to "oh, okay, I get it."

What I really want to share with my fellow witches is that my derm has put me on a microdose (?) of accutane (!) and it is the best thing that has ever happened to my face? It is solely for anti-aging and my derm said "all the women in europe do this" (my kryotonite) and it's WORKING??? My skin does look like I'm 20 again? wtf! is this the substance? and do I care?? lol

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Your skin does look really good!!!

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hahhhaha thank you!! I agree

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Wow! As a person who was on accutane for acne (twice) and loved what it did for my skin, I am intrigued! Did you have to do the full blood panel and birth control stuff for the microdose?

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yes, although since it's a microdose, only for two months to stockpile for the rest of the year. My derm said it's quite normal??

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Ok, great to know! Thanks for sharing!

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feel free to DM with updates/questions

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I’m so curious Kathleen - can you speak to how it’s improved your skin? And thanks for sharing!

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yes! primarily texture-- my skin is smooth now? I was starting to get just...bumps? and wrinkles? like the surface of my skin is completely even now. (acne wasn't a huge concern but I don't miss the once a month pimples either)

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Claire I was sad to see a newsletter focused on plastic surgery coming from you. Guess what, we are all going to age and get old and die. Is it easy to swallow? No. But speaking of plastic surgery that will "prevent" aging just goes completely against common sense and really plays into the pressure/expectations women face to keep looking a certain way forever and ever. Life is hard enough, let's take the thought energy and money that focuses on how bad we look and use it instead to do things that help us enjoy life, whatever those may be.

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hi Nicole! I was wondering if it might come across as being pro-slicing and dicing and I hoped that maybe it would come across as more curious and debunking. I probably didn't stick the landing but my goal was to get people to might be wondering/worrying about this to at least save their money/time on procedures or products that won't work. I'm sorry this wasn't a good one for you.

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Claire, this is the exact landing you stuck for me. No shame in feeling like you are a little less confident about your face meat than you have been in years prior, and no shame in doing an informational interview with an expert regarding that! I enjoyed the balanced approach.

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Same here. I meant to copy this to say “yesssss!! Perfect!” But ended up posting a quote as a Note. Clearly I suffer from “I used to know how to internet” syndrome. 😉

“The key to it is just realizing what other people see. People who’ve known you forever know your face. They’re not judging your face. They’re judging what is coming from behind your face.”

I really appreciate the frankness of this interview. (And knowing I’m not the only one thinking about my changing face.)

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face meat! haha. thank you. yum. 🥩

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Favorite part:

Is face yoga anything?

I don’t think so.

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i for real tried it for a few days and was like this is more of a pain in the ass than you’d think

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I liked that part too.

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I am embracing my descent into sexy hagdom. I am pale and freckled and my neck is not great at 43. But leaving it, just as a I leave my wrinkles, is (I hope) a signal to the world of my confidence, my willingness to face the void and shrug. This is me, baby! (And I honestly am so sick of the line-less forehead. It's fucked up!)

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I do like my gray hair I'll say that. Also today I told my husband to please remind me to wipe my undereyes when concealer has gathered in the wrinkles and he was like "Wha?" so I guess he's not really too concerned with my hagdom

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Because hagdom is sexxxy and they know it!!!

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i'm adding "sexy hagdom" to my goals for 2025 👍

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Where is the sexy hagdom? Can I come? I'm rounding 44 with a little bit of face meat coming in nicely. ;)

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Sexy hagdom is a state of mind (and body). All are welcome to revel in their beautiful decay!

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I’m 61 and a few years ago I considered having something done to my neck. I ultimately decided against it. It was going to be very expensive and the results may not have been great from what my research said. I wonder what we women would put up with if patriarchy and the male gaze didn’t exist. I’m guessing not much.

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I have a relative who got a facelift some years ago and it was BFD for her but among the family we were like "...that's it?" It was VERY subtle. But I appreciate the motivation to do something kinda drastic to feel good, or even different.

I do think a lot more famous men get work than we acknowledge. I was googling the results of those SMAS procedures and being like ahh, I think we've cracked the code for how Paul Rudd (or whomever) looks so magically ageless....

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My aunt got her eyes refreshed once, and was super pissed because none of us noticed or could tell the difference.

I never ever thought I would get optional surgery, because I'm super squeamish, but my insurance changed and partly covered laser eye surgery, so I had it this year. I wore glasses for 30 years and they felt like a part of my personality. It's been an interesting transition. I had almost zero side effects and feel pretty lucky.

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It is AMAZING. I had it done 20 years ago? My eyes have def declined again since then. But I was so blind I'd fully walk into the men's locker room at the pool. To wake up the next morning and be able to see was like a miracle.

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👆👆👆I was late to the party on LASIK but have no regrets. Amazing. To think of all the years I was fumbling with contact solution while camping. What?!?

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Okay, if I get woozy reading about what a facelift does, I guess I’m not a candidate. haha

I’ll just say what my husband tells me every time I ask him about plastic surgery: Water. Sunscreen. Moisturizer.

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Yes, seriously. The one thing I'm seriously glad I did that the youngins using Drunk Elephant probably do'nt wnat to hear about? Start covering up my chest/SPFing it early. Sara told me that in some circles your chest/decolletage area are called cumulatively "Your European face" which made me laugh.

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A very, very proud day for me picking up my kid from summer camp last year was when two 20-something camp counselors asked if they could talk to me. And.....it wasn’t about my kid’s behavior, but about skin! I pointed to my hat and to my 10-year-old’s mortification asked them to consider their butt cheeks as a reference for a part of their body that has no sun exposure. I could tell they wanted me to get to a product so I finally threw them a bone for a face sunscreen but not until I droned on about sun protection generally for a while. And moisturizing more than they think they need.

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Agreed. Just getting old sounds far less scary.

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Am I crazy? I turn 60 in the Spring and I've noticed none of this? I might go in for some Botox for my 11s if I get around to it, and I'm starting to notice neck/decollette wrinkling, but "face falling off at 40" WHAT.

I'm looking at the skin of my co workers and friends and we all seem to be in decent shape (yes, the sun worshippers have more wrinkles) but maybe it's Midwest Nice to think we all look decent for our age?

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I think feeling decent for your age is the goal! and if you can do it with minimum $$$ or procedures then you win.

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probably less UV exposure at that latitude!

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I find this kind of stuff fascinating. I have such weird and illogical opinions about plastic surgery and augmentation. Botox and facelifts? No thanks! Tummy tuck and breast lift/augmentation? Sure, why not?

I don't know that I'm trying to desperately clutch on to my youth, and I certainly have reached an age/maturity level where I'm largely not concerned with what random people think, but I do spend a lot of time/energy/money on looking my best. That's exercise routines, gym memberships, food quality, sleep health, skincare, makeup, haircuts and color, a Nuuly subscription for clothing, etc. Whether I'm doing all of these things because I'm trying to treat my body like a temple or whether I'm doing all of these things because of conditioning from society/patriarchy is all tied up in knots. Probably both, to varying degrees depending on the day!

I can't say for sure that I'll never consider botox or a facelift. I'm 42 and I'm happier with my appearance now than I was at 22, so maybe not. We'll see how I feel at 62!

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I'm going through a similar experience in my mid 40s. I was raised by a very all-natural hippie mom who really shunned a lot of beauty standards. It's only recently that I've unpacked how that made me feel shame for putting effort into my appearance. Recently I've done some botox and laser hair removal, which aren't huge things, but it is surprising how nice it felt to do for myself. Just the idea that I can choose to spend the money to change something that's bugging me - wild!

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For me, I know part of it is wrapped up in growing up poorer with no extra money for the "good" shampoo and nicer clothes. Now I can afford to spend money on those things, so I'm going for it.

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This was very well timed for me as I’m turning 40 in a week and so self conscious about my chin disappearing into my neck I refuse to turn my head to the side during zoom meetings even though that’s where my monitor is. So I just sit uncomfortably at an angle to present my face straight on. Lol. I have been anti surgery and Botox my entire adulthood, and certainly don’t plan to start now, but I appreciate the demystification of the processes and what they can or cannot do so I can feel more confident in that decision. Aging is a gift and I don’t plan to try to avoid it.

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I need your uncomfortable angle secrets!

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This was actually such a comforting read. As someone who has felt more aware of ageing but is still only mid-30s, this has made me feel better about enjoying what I have and embracing change!

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thank you Vanessa!

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Enh, you know, I used to feel strident about this stuff and I don’t anymore. I’m 48 and I have a genetic predisposition to a sort of tragic wattle thing (thanks dad!). I’m too chicken to have surgery there, but a laser maybe? Sure. I’ve had Botox and I like it — my doc gives me a teensy bit and I look less constantly pissed off. And yes, living to a ripe old age is the goal. But guess what? I had a serious cancer last year. If a laser makes me feel confident and vital in who I am right now and I can justify the price, I’m not gonna sweat the internalized patriarchy. Everybody should do their thing. I appreciated this one, Claire!

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I hope you’re doing well after cancer.

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Yes! Very well. Thank you. ❤️

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