This is probably not the best way, but I’ve made a couple legit evil witch friends by turning to them and rolling my eyes about some aspect of the whole parental industrial complex. I make some educated guesses about who might be an evil witch and roll the dice.
I hope to find these people. You never know, I am still stung by a mom a few years ago who shamed for me for not keeping a close eye on my kids in a fenced-in playground because she was convinced the kids would get snatched away. I was like, please I wish! She didn't think it was funny.
Ugh, I have been thinking so much about this lately. Some victories, some anxieties...
Anxiety: A group of moms have started a monthly rotating brunch and I am dreading my turn to host because their houses are WAY nicer than mine. Like, WAY nicer, and they have nicer plates and serving ware and their kitchens are organized and idk, it is all making me super anxious. I'm already anticipating being dropped by their nascent friend group at some point in the not so distant future.
Victory: impromptu playdate for my 4yo with the 10 and 7 yo from down the street when their mom offered us a used folding camp chair, and then while dropping it off said she had to go to the store. I said, just leave the girls here. Then when she got home, we all went over and swam in their pool and joined them for dinner. It was the kind of dinner someone makes if they don't plan on company, which actually made me really happy; it was so natural. My husband is the one who is like, hesitant to take things from others and to do things for others... I think that is the reciprocity that builds community and builds our social safety net writ large and small. Like, take the hand-me-downs, even if you don't think you'll use it.
I have to admit I host a lot less now that I don't drink because the booze took the edge off my worry that everyone was having a good time so I need to move through that (nobody will probably invite us if we don't invite them.) I also have a pretty convenient-to-me style of hosting, IE convenience foods and ordering in. If these new folks are used to anything that is more hands here's hoping they find my style refreshing?
Same here re: now that I don't drink. I also wonder if certain invites are fewer b/c we'll be the sober couple & that perception that there would be judgement (I remember thinking that about non-drinkers before I stopped drinking!). So finding the sober writer moms, too, has an added challenge, though I'm happy to walk chat with all people.
one of my good friends in my new town came out of me accosting her husband at school dropoff and saying "both our kids have dinosaur backpacks and seem to like each other, we should hang" - it was very desperate but it worked! We really were starting from scratch so I was more shameless than in the past - it's haaaaard tho!
We moved onto a street with families whose kids are the same age as mine and who amazingly probably have the most similar parenting philosophy of anyone we've ever been around. It's kind of amazing? Exceedingly hard to replicate, though
I also still do judo because the whole world is better off with me getting some social exercise, and while a great number of folks there are 20 something dudes who remind me why I'm glad I'm not in my 20s anymore, it keeps my social circle a lot more varied and interesting
We had a similar experience moving into our neighborhood and I cannot put into words how grateful I am for it because it seems so unlikely to get that lucky.
same, I think it is luck where I live. similar politics, career values, ways of being hands off/on with the kids.
I take guitar in the city once a week and it's nice to have a group of people I see regularly who I have otherwise nothing in common with. People I can be friendly with but not friends and don't need to develop the relationship beyond having a few laughs and playing a few tunes 90 m a week
At kid drop offs, a bunch of the kinder parents would have a lightweight chat after kids went inside. I dreaded it bc it seemed like everyone knew each other (they did not). I did say hi and learn people’s names, but it was a very slow start. Over time, I started walking partway home with one or two folks and found my weirdos who also have neurodivergent kids. Since my kid has a hard time with certain activities, and being around parents who get it helps SO MUCH.
Another thing that worked is at kid birthday parties, I talk about cool things I want to do with other parents (swim in the cold-ass Sound) and see if anyone bites, or say yes to someone else’s plans (yes I also enjoy drag shows and errand hangouts. Now I know what to text you about).
Also, last year I joined a running club of other slow, no-negative-body-talk women (seriously, it’s one of the rules). It’s not as full of weirdos as I’d like and I’m often the youngest one, but showing up repeatedly and chatting as we jog 3-6 miles built some connections, and gives me some perspective from parents who’s kids are older and done with bullshit.
cheers to finding the weirdos and great idea about talking about what you'd like to do at bday parties and seeing who bites. if i still lived in seattle i'd totally swim in the sound with you. ( puget, if that is the one you are talking about.)
After school drop off a couple witches (& warlocks? what do we call the dudes? familiars?) and I take over a near by coffee shop. 3-4 regulars with some rotating characters depending on custody & work schedules.
Everyone knows we're there and can stop by for moral support or general bitching or school news (our PTA president usually comes).
The baristas love us, I think because they have never seen our kids?
Any multiples parent and I tend to gel right away. Mostly over how ridiculous parents with one kid are and how much money we would have if we weren't buying 2 (or 3!) of everything.
Sidebar- at 7, 7, & 6 I told my kids they are now just "hanging out" "Playdates"are not a thing anymore. Not that I ever initiated a playdate, lots of witches have asked to join my every day party over the years.
Oh Lordy, I have so much to say on this topic and keep meaning to write about it myself. I was just saying to someone the other day that even though I have a lot of “mom friends”, most of them are very surface-level friendships. Not people I’d text late at night crying about my day or whatever. I’m very lucky that I have my sister as that best friend figure... but would love some more meaningful connections with non-family members too. I feel more myself with friends who knew me when I was younger, and I guess know the “real” me, whoever that is/was. But so many of those friendships have faded due to time and distance.
Another big issue I find, which I think some others touched on here, is when you’re a parent of a neurodivergent kid, or kid with any disability really...it’s a whole different ballgame. I see a lot of moms just hanging out chatting at the playground while their kids run around with each other, and they build friendships that way. My kid doesn’t want to play with other kids at the playground, and the rare time he does want to, he usually needs me right there with him, facilitating his play date. I think parents of NT kids or kids that just easily socialize on their own don’t always get how isolating it is.
Anyway, I could go on, and one day will... thanks for this discussion, and I’m happy to be friends with all witchy moms here! ❤️🧙♀️
I think I am nervous about making new friends b/c I am lucky to have friends at the kids at my former school I could be extremely myself around and I don't know what to reveal, when.
And good point about neurodivergence and shy/anxious kids in general who do not run off and give you 10 free glorious minutes to get to chat unfettered
Feel this post. We moved to a new town two years ago and I had to do all of the casual chat neighbor friends build-up again. One strategy that has worked for me is mom walks: reaching out to other women who live nearby in my profession (writer) via email, quick introduction, and inviting them for a walk right before school or summer camp pick up. How I've found the other mom writer witches is a mix from waiting at school pick-up to neighbors saying, "You're a writer? You should talk to X who lives here..." to reading pieces and then the bio says they live near me. I'm better at writing initially than f2f chatter so this has built up the casual moms-in-my-profession-who-live-nearby buddies. Plus the walking helps with the anxiety of meeting new people.
that is a great idea! Plus I do always want to know what people do for a living just b/c I'm curious but I know too that can be a tacky/sensitive thing to ask to some people but this makes it sound more like networking. (in my experience the people who make the most money tend to have the most boring-to-talk-about jobs anyway?)
Job stuff usually comes up at school drop-off in the "Ugh, I have to go do x work thing..." I guess in a way it is networking, though I've thought of it as finding another weirdo, b/c if you write, too, we probably share some companionable tendencies!
Omigosh saving this answer. I'm a 36yo writer expecting our first any day now and the best part of pregnancy has been unearthing a whole new clan of local writer moms sharing tips on giving yourself grace and balancing parenthood with creative work and offering support.
I have so much cliquey girl trauma from my younger days, I've been dreading having to get along with folks I have nothing in common with. But if I can pinpoint the artsy creative types...
Most welcome! Your mention of girl trauma reminds me how much all of us are carrying our junior high/high school/college friend memories--good, bad, or the mixed bag. You'll find the weirdos. Kids helped with that. I think often they'll gravitate towards kids like them and that is influenced by us weirdo parents, so usually i'll jive with at least one of the parents. or i won't initially but it helps me learn to be a bit more tolerant.
That is a great idea! I live in Cincinnati, so not a huge pool like bigger cities, but am learning there are so many badass women writers here. There aren't many social gathering spaces (reading venues, etc.) so I'm learning you kinda have to build it yourself and trust others are looking for that friendship, too.
Similarly I've reached out to aquaintances who I know also have flexible jobs/work for themselves and set up coworking dates! So far going pretty well, and I still get work done as any time spent chatting is just time I would have been scrolling social media anyway.
this is such good advice, I am glad to have something to ask my pre-assigned buddy besides "Is the school really serious about having the kids wear belts as part of the uniform?"
I’m an introvert with some social anxiety at times so I struggle with this! It has helped me to try to talk to the other parents hanging out alone at school drop off rather than worrying about the groups already chatting.
I also have heard the advice it’s better to get to a social event early which completely goes against my natural inclinations but I think is better. People often approach you and aren’t already paired off/talking when you arrive.
We move a lot. Like, “we’re in the middle of our 12th in 18 years” a lot, so this is something I have loads of practice with, but also still find hard! The moves are for my husband’s (or familiar’s - ha, loved that comment) job, and while it’s easy enough to make acquaintances with the other spouses, I want to do it on my own terms rather than as an extension of him. The older I get, the easier it is. If I’m fortunate enough to work, I make friends that way.
Basically, the thing that works best for me is to remember that if I feel a connection, chances are the other person does too (not always, but often enough).
My best group came out of the bus stop huddle a few neighborhoods back - we bonded instantly over everything from our partners’/our dumb jobs’ extracurricular requirements (both parents ended up at the bus stop often) to the ridiculous rules about unattended kids where we lived. It was so great to have 14 other people on my kids’ emergency contact list - we all just passed them around at the beginning of the year and put our names on everyone’s. I haven’t found that since, but maybe next time!
The other thing I’ve found is there are more of us weirdo evil witches out there than we think.
(I’m moving to central PA, btw, if anyone’s up there)
I needed this so bad. I moved to a new state during covid (any central CT witches here??) and have one married couple of friends. We're probably moving again in a couple years, but a couple years is a long time! So I decided I am embarking on a friend-making mission - going to a moms-group happy hour and book club, reaching out and trying to make play dates for my kid with kids whose parents seem cool. (But seriously if there are any witches out there in the Hartford area, let's meet up.)
yes! I did an issue on that last year but I fell apart because I couldn't find a better system than emailing everyone introducing them but I'll see if I can make it more streamlined and do it again.
I was feeling guilty that I was taking the "Easy way out" by switching schools but feeling better about that notion as there is nothing easy about this onboarding process
Nothing easy about it for sure. Plus my kid is not a fan of the switch, so it's one of those "you'll thank me when you're older! or maybe not, but I still get to decide so there!"
I'm 44 with two kids, ages 8 and 6. It's definitely gotten easier to give less fucks as I've gotten older. Also, I have a core group of crones who are similarly out of fucks, which makes a huge difference.
I don't know where to start and I'm dying for "mom friends." It's just flat hard when you don't have any sort of milling around at drop off or pick up--current school literally takes the kid from our car. And and my ND kid is NEVER going to ask for a playdate. I've got friends with perfectly aged kids, but mostly on the other side of the country and even the ones who are local are more than an hour's drive away. (F' you, I-90/94.) We're starting the new school dance in September too, so I'm basically just hoping for "magic" and that someone--either parent or kid--clicks with us.
wow I love this discussion! a question, if anyone has perspective/advice/or can just generally commiserate: how have you made the transition from mom friends to real friends? there are lots of moms at my kids' school that I know, and even the ones I've hung out with, I haven't made it past a kind of surface-y talk about kids/etc. maybe we just actually don't have much in common, but I'd love to talk to people about things other than what my kids are up to/what we think of the teachers/etc.
I've been going to a bunco group for two years now with a bunch of those moms, and I just haven't figured out how to make headway into turning that into real friendships. I don't know if a) I'm doing something wrong/I'm too weird for them, b) they already have their real friends (the group can be a little cliquey--last month, three of them were talking about how they're all going to Greece together with their families, which is cool but maybe makes other people feel left out?), or c) they don't actually have interests beyond the surface-y things we've already talked about?
any perspective or ideas? any witches in south Jersey want to be my friend?
I wrote something similar below, but I also really struggle with this... transitioning from mom friends to real friends. I think it’s so tough because everyone is so busy at this life stage (my kids are 4 and 6) and being pulled in a million directions, and it takes effort to connect on a deeper level with someone. I also have a lot of my own anxiety and hangups and get in my head, assuming someone doesn’t want to be my friend or hang out or get to know me... so that likely makes me appear more closed off than I mean to be. I also write off people a bit easily... too much, probably! Like if a mom posts on Facebook about how much she loves the weekend because she gets to be with her kids all day... I’m like, sorry, I don’t think we’re on the same wavelength here 🤣.
this is such a good question and I'm trying to think of how I crossed over from just parking lot friends at the kids' school to people I feel very close to and real with. I think a big part of it was that many of us met when our kids were littler and we were stuck in the same scenarios and found the same things to laugh/talk about (and parented on a similar wavelength so I didn't feel weird talking about my parenting philosophy/practices/problems). but that scenario is different as the kids get older so I don't know how you replicate that.
Oh god, I've totally run out of fucks. I am just oversharing, being loud and weird, showing up in sweatpants, and seeing who's into the vibe.
omg I need this energy. I want this on a sandwich board and I'll see who responds.
YESSSSS. I can't wait to hear who bites.
at what point/by which kid did you arrive there? I really really wanna give less fucks.
Yes!!!
This is probably not the best way, but I’ve made a couple legit evil witch friends by turning to them and rolling my eyes about some aspect of the whole parental industrial complex. I make some educated guesses about who might be an evil witch and roll the dice.
I hope to find these people. You never know, I am still stung by a mom a few years ago who shamed for me for not keeping a close eye on my kids in a fenced-in playground because she was convinced the kids would get snatched away. I was like, please I wish! She didn't think it was funny.
My favorite line when we arrive somewhere and get settled is “Go play in the street.” Shockingly not everyone knows I’m kidding.
Ha, my dad always said that to us. Sometimes he prefaced it with, “Here’s a plastic bag.”
Wow. That is truly ridiculous. What an unfun person. It’s true that you never know. But I think the risk is worth it.
Ugh, I have been thinking so much about this lately. Some victories, some anxieties...
Anxiety: A group of moms have started a monthly rotating brunch and I am dreading my turn to host because their houses are WAY nicer than mine. Like, WAY nicer, and they have nicer plates and serving ware and their kitchens are organized and idk, it is all making me super anxious. I'm already anticipating being dropped by their nascent friend group at some point in the not so distant future.
Victory: impromptu playdate for my 4yo with the 10 and 7 yo from down the street when their mom offered us a used folding camp chair, and then while dropping it off said she had to go to the store. I said, just leave the girls here. Then when she got home, we all went over and swam in their pool and joined them for dinner. It was the kind of dinner someone makes if they don't plan on company, which actually made me really happy; it was so natural. My husband is the one who is like, hesitant to take things from others and to do things for others... I think that is the reciprocity that builds community and builds our social safety net writ large and small. Like, take the hand-me-downs, even if you don't think you'll use it.
I love the victory--that is very hopeful.
I have to admit I host a lot less now that I don't drink because the booze took the edge off my worry that everyone was having a good time so I need to move through that (nobody will probably invite us if we don't invite them.) I also have a pretty convenient-to-me style of hosting, IE convenience foods and ordering in. If these new folks are used to anything that is more hands here's hoping they find my style refreshing?
Same here re: now that I don't drink. I also wonder if certain invites are fewer b/c we'll be the sober couple & that perception that there would be judgement (I remember thinking that about non-drinkers before I stopped drinking!). So finding the sober writer moms, too, has an added challenge, though I'm happy to walk chat with all people.
one of my good friends in my new town came out of me accosting her husband at school dropoff and saying "both our kids have dinosaur backpacks and seem to like each other, we should hang" - it was very desperate but it worked! We really were starting from scratch so I was more shameless than in the past - it's haaaaard tho!
We moved onto a street with families whose kids are the same age as mine and who amazingly probably have the most similar parenting philosophy of anyone we've ever been around. It's kind of amazing? Exceedingly hard to replicate, though
I also still do judo because the whole world is better off with me getting some social exercise, and while a great number of folks there are 20 something dudes who remind me why I'm glad I'm not in my 20s anymore, it keeps my social circle a lot more varied and interesting
We had a similar experience moving into our neighborhood and I cannot put into words how grateful I am for it because it seems so unlikely to get that lucky.
same, I think it is luck where I live. similar politics, career values, ways of being hands off/on with the kids.
I take guitar in the city once a week and it's nice to have a group of people I see regularly who I have otherwise nothing in common with. People I can be friendly with but not friends and don't need to develop the relationship beyond having a few laughs and playing a few tunes 90 m a week
At kid drop offs, a bunch of the kinder parents would have a lightweight chat after kids went inside. I dreaded it bc it seemed like everyone knew each other (they did not). I did say hi and learn people’s names, but it was a very slow start. Over time, I started walking partway home with one or two folks and found my weirdos who also have neurodivergent kids. Since my kid has a hard time with certain activities, and being around parents who get it helps SO MUCH.
Another thing that worked is at kid birthday parties, I talk about cool things I want to do with other parents (swim in the cold-ass Sound) and see if anyone bites, or say yes to someone else’s plans (yes I also enjoy drag shows and errand hangouts. Now I know what to text you about).
Also, last year I joined a running club of other slow, no-negative-body-talk women (seriously, it’s one of the rules). It’s not as full of weirdos as I’d like and I’m often the youngest one, but showing up repeatedly and chatting as we jog 3-6 miles built some connections, and gives me some perspective from parents who’s kids are older and done with bullshit.
This is the best rule. Borrowing it. Also in a slowish run club of ladies.
cheers to finding the weirdos and great idea about talking about what you'd like to do at bday parties and seeing who bites. if i still lived in seattle i'd totally swim in the sound with you. ( puget, if that is the one you are talking about.)
Puget is right! If you’re ever in town, we’ll freeze our butts off!
every summer we are out there. more of a "trip" than a vacay ala https://www.huffpost.com/entry/vacation-or-trip-a-helpful-guide-for-parents_b_7789310/amp. ;) my contact on my substack: https://todayyouwillwrite.substack.com
After school drop off a couple witches (& warlocks? what do we call the dudes? familiars?) and I take over a near by coffee shop. 3-4 regulars with some rotating characters depending on custody & work schedules.
Everyone knows we're there and can stop by for moral support or general bitching or school news (our PTA president usually comes).
The baristas love us, I think because they have never seen our kids?
Any multiples parent and I tend to gel right away. Mostly over how ridiculous parents with one kid are and how much money we would have if we weren't buying 2 (or 3!) of everything.
Sidebar- at 7, 7, & 6 I told my kids they are now just "hanging out" "Playdates"are not a thing anymore. Not that I ever initiated a playdate, lots of witches have asked to join my every day party over the years.
I cackled at the idea of men as familiars
just 'M3n' ;)
Familiars 😂
totally agree on the parent of multiples thing.. very likely a good IDGAF vibe
Oh Lordy, I have so much to say on this topic and keep meaning to write about it myself. I was just saying to someone the other day that even though I have a lot of “mom friends”, most of them are very surface-level friendships. Not people I’d text late at night crying about my day or whatever. I’m very lucky that I have my sister as that best friend figure... but would love some more meaningful connections with non-family members too. I feel more myself with friends who knew me when I was younger, and I guess know the “real” me, whoever that is/was. But so many of those friendships have faded due to time and distance.
Another big issue I find, which I think some others touched on here, is when you’re a parent of a neurodivergent kid, or kid with any disability really...it’s a whole different ballgame. I see a lot of moms just hanging out chatting at the playground while their kids run around with each other, and they build friendships that way. My kid doesn’t want to play with other kids at the playground, and the rare time he does want to, he usually needs me right there with him, facilitating his play date. I think parents of NT kids or kids that just easily socialize on their own don’t always get how isolating it is.
Anyway, I could go on, and one day will... thanks for this discussion, and I’m happy to be friends with all witchy moms here! ❤️🧙♀️
I think I am nervous about making new friends b/c I am lucky to have friends at the kids at my former school I could be extremely myself around and I don't know what to reveal, when.
And good point about neurodivergence and shy/anxious kids in general who do not run off and give you 10 free glorious minutes to get to chat unfettered
Feel this post. We moved to a new town two years ago and I had to do all of the casual chat neighbor friends build-up again. One strategy that has worked for me is mom walks: reaching out to other women who live nearby in my profession (writer) via email, quick introduction, and inviting them for a walk right before school or summer camp pick up. How I've found the other mom writer witches is a mix from waiting at school pick-up to neighbors saying, "You're a writer? You should talk to X who lives here..." to reading pieces and then the bio says they live near me. I'm better at writing initially than f2f chatter so this has built up the casual moms-in-my-profession-who-live-nearby buddies. Plus the walking helps with the anxiety of meeting new people.
that is a great idea! Plus I do always want to know what people do for a living just b/c I'm curious but I know too that can be a tacky/sensitive thing to ask to some people but this makes it sound more like networking. (in my experience the people who make the most money tend to have the most boring-to-talk-about jobs anyway?)
Job stuff usually comes up at school drop-off in the "Ugh, I have to go do x work thing..." I guess in a way it is networking, though I've thought of it as finding another weirdo, b/c if you write, too, we probably share some companionable tendencies!
Omigosh saving this answer. I'm a 36yo writer expecting our first any day now and the best part of pregnancy has been unearthing a whole new clan of local writer moms sharing tips on giving yourself grace and balancing parenthood with creative work and offering support.
I have so much cliquey girl trauma from my younger days, I've been dreading having to get along with folks I have nothing in common with. But if I can pinpoint the artsy creative types...
Thank you!
Most welcome! Your mention of girl trauma reminds me how much all of us are carrying our junior high/high school/college friend memories--good, bad, or the mixed bag. You'll find the weirdos. Kids helped with that. I think often they'll gravitate towards kids like them and that is influenced by us weirdo parents, so usually i'll jive with at least one of the parents. or i won't initially but it helps me learn to be a bit more tolerant.
Finding other writers is so good. I've been thinking of literally posting in the local moms facebook group to see if there's anyone else.
That is a great idea! I live in Cincinnati, so not a huge pool like bigger cities, but am learning there are so many badass women writers here. There aren't many social gathering spaces (reading venues, etc.) so I'm learning you kinda have to build it yourself and trust others are looking for that friendship, too.
Similarly I've reached out to aquaintances who I know also have flexible jobs/work for themselves and set up coworking dates! So far going pretty well, and I still get work done as any time spent chatting is just time I would have been scrolling social media anyway.
this is such good advice, I am glad to have something to ask my pre-assigned buddy besides "Is the school really serious about having the kids wear belts as part of the uniform?"
Omg belts? I'm so glad our school switch is away from uniforms (although my kid really likes them, so that's another negative for him 🙄)
yes belts and I felt like Mother of the Year this morning measuring their tiny little waists and ordering the belts on my summer Saturday
I’m an introvert with some social anxiety at times so I struggle with this! It has helped me to try to talk to the other parents hanging out alone at school drop off rather than worrying about the groups already chatting.
I also have heard the advice it’s better to get to a social event early which completely goes against my natural inclinations but I think is better. People often approach you and aren’t already paired off/talking when you arrive.
We move a lot. Like, “we’re in the middle of our 12th in 18 years” a lot, so this is something I have loads of practice with, but also still find hard! The moves are for my husband’s (or familiar’s - ha, loved that comment) job, and while it’s easy enough to make acquaintances with the other spouses, I want to do it on my own terms rather than as an extension of him. The older I get, the easier it is. If I’m fortunate enough to work, I make friends that way.
Basically, the thing that works best for me is to remember that if I feel a connection, chances are the other person does too (not always, but often enough).
My best group came out of the bus stop huddle a few neighborhoods back - we bonded instantly over everything from our partners’/our dumb jobs’ extracurricular requirements (both parents ended up at the bus stop often) to the ridiculous rules about unattended kids where we lived. It was so great to have 14 other people on my kids’ emergency contact list - we all just passed them around at the beginning of the year and put our names on everyone’s. I haven’t found that since, but maybe next time!
The other thing I’ve found is there are more of us weirdo evil witches out there than we think.
(I’m moving to central PA, btw, if anyone’s up there)
I love this bus stop story--that's something sweet that came out of something stupid
I needed this so bad. I moved to a new state during covid (any central CT witches here??) and have one married couple of friends. We're probably moving again in a couple years, but a couple years is a long time! So I decided I am embarking on a friend-making mission - going to a moms-group happy hour and book club, reaching out and trying to make play dates for my kid with kids whose parents seem cool. (But seriously if there are any witches out there in the Hartford area, let's meet up.)
Maybe there should be a whole thread sometime for EWs to find others in our areas??
yes! I did an issue on that last year but I fell apart because I couldn't find a better system than emailing everyone introducing them but I'll see if I can make it more streamlined and do it again.
Are we able to DM people from substack threads? It could be on us once we find people in a thread like this.
OK I sent a Q into Substack and will figure something out. I am curious whether this can be done via Notes but tbd.
Let me ask my Substack people! I'm about to go golfing (???) with another witch so forgive me if it's a minute before I get back to ya
I am also changing my kid's school this fall and it is so. freaking. hard. Would love more relatable content on this topic!
I was feeling guilty that I was taking the "Easy way out" by switching schools but feeling better about that notion as there is nothing easy about this onboarding process
Nothing easy about it for sure. Plus my kid is not a fan of the switch, so it's one of those "you'll thank me when you're older! or maybe not, but I still get to decide so there!"
I'm 44 with two kids, ages 8 and 6. It's definitely gotten easier to give less fucks as I've gotten older. Also, I have a core group of crones who are similarly out of fucks, which makes a huge difference.
I don't know where to start and I'm dying for "mom friends." It's just flat hard when you don't have any sort of milling around at drop off or pick up--current school literally takes the kid from our car. And and my ND kid is NEVER going to ask for a playdate. I've got friends with perfectly aged kids, but mostly on the other side of the country and even the ones who are local are more than an hour's drive away. (F' you, I-90/94.) We're starting the new school dance in September too, so I'm basically just hoping for "magic" and that someone--either parent or kid--clicks with us.
wow I love this discussion! a question, if anyone has perspective/advice/or can just generally commiserate: how have you made the transition from mom friends to real friends? there are lots of moms at my kids' school that I know, and even the ones I've hung out with, I haven't made it past a kind of surface-y talk about kids/etc. maybe we just actually don't have much in common, but I'd love to talk to people about things other than what my kids are up to/what we think of the teachers/etc.
I've been going to a bunco group for two years now with a bunch of those moms, and I just haven't figured out how to make headway into turning that into real friendships. I don't know if a) I'm doing something wrong/I'm too weird for them, b) they already have their real friends (the group can be a little cliquey--last month, three of them were talking about how they're all going to Greece together with their families, which is cool but maybe makes other people feel left out?), or c) they don't actually have interests beyond the surface-y things we've already talked about?
any perspective or ideas? any witches in south Jersey want to be my friend?
I wrote something similar below, but I also really struggle with this... transitioning from mom friends to real friends. I think it’s so tough because everyone is so busy at this life stage (my kids are 4 and 6) and being pulled in a million directions, and it takes effort to connect on a deeper level with someone. I also have a lot of my own anxiety and hangups and get in my head, assuming someone doesn’t want to be my friend or hang out or get to know me... so that likely makes me appear more closed off than I mean to be. I also write off people a bit easily... too much, probably! Like if a mom posts on Facebook about how much she loves the weekend because she gets to be with her kids all day... I’m like, sorry, I don’t think we’re on the same wavelength here 🤣.
haha -- Hi it's me, writing from the library, alone on a Saturday because I am answering some emails alone as a treat.
this is such a good question and I'm trying to think of how I crossed over from just parking lot friends at the kids' school to people I feel very close to and real with. I think a big part of it was that many of us met when our kids were littler and we were stuck in the same scenarios and found the same things to laugh/talk about (and parented on a similar wavelength so I didn't feel weird talking about my parenting philosophy/practices/problems). but that scenario is different as the kids get older so I don't know how you replicate that.