30 Comments
Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

When my daughter gets a trivial injury, I ask her if she's going to pull through. She's almost 5 and does not at all hear the snark in that question, so now when she gets hurt, she says very seriously through tears that she thinks she's going to pull through. Cracks me up every time! Someday she'll hear that for what it is and realize I'm an asshole.

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

My younger guy (9) is very prudish about foul language - will refuse to watch any shows or movies with hells, damns, or shits - and during a particularly frustrating tantrum, he took this deep breath and shouted "ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!" not at me or anyone in particular, it was just the most horrible word he could think of. I had to maintain concerned composure but wanted to ROTFLMA(hole)O.

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

I'm plagiarizing myself because I tweeted this a few days ago, but it definitely applies here.

My kids were fighting over not wanting to play the same game on their scooters.

Kid 1, furious: Well I like to play using real-world physics!

Kid 2, equally furious: But you know *I* like unicorns and magical moments!

They were SO MAD and crying, so those words coming out of their mouths sounded completely absurd. I had my back to them, luckily, because I burst out laughing hard and then had to rein it in fast.

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

This happens to us all the time. We are terrible about not laughing. This morning the 3-year old was halfway through getting dressed, no pants on, sitting on the floor pulling on his penis and singing, "Large penis, large penis, large penis." They start exaggerating so young.

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

We just got "IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME TO FIND MY THINGS IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO CLEAN MY ROOM!!!" today. Yup. Sure.

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

My 13yo son is particularly and naturally adept at torturing his 10 yo sister. Not terribly original. But he has a biting wit that makes me so proud, and his mimicry skills and ability to deploy said mimicry with deft timing is commendable. The other night he landed a comment with such precision that, despite its cruelty, my husband and I both had to pretend we did NOT think it was funny and turn our heads. He knows, though. He knows. [luckily his aggrieved sister is not so savvy yet]

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

My 7 year old has recently perfected this incredibly annoying voice that is a combination of spoiled brat and an 80s Valley girl. The other night when he was very very tired, he started talking to me in that voice and I said laughing, "when you talk in that voice it makes me want to say no to whatever you say." He immediately asked, using the voice, "can I have some water?" I said, "no." And he immediately started sobbing and would not stop for more than 10 minutes.

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

My three-year-old, when he’s tired and it’s bedtime, will try to delay the inevitable, but he’s so little that he usually reaches for objections that are too absurd to actually happen. This weekend he went above and beyond one night. His escalating list of demands/grievances included, “I want ice cream” (while in pajamas, after brushing teeth) and “But we never played play-doh!!”

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Jun 7, 2021Liked by Claire Zulkey

My 5yo likes to pretend she's speaking for the puppy (only child problems). We were on our way to a brewery/dog park yesterday (again, only child problems) and she was chirping away in the backseat talking for the dog, and goes: "I'm so excited to be here! I never have been here before! AND I CAN TALK!!!" My husband and I burst out laughing and then she started sobbing because she thought we were laughing *at* her. We kept laughing as we tried to calm her down. It didn't work.

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My kid loved trains. I told him one day that for a special treat, we were taking a ride on the commuter train. He cried because he really wanted to do on the Orient Express.

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Our six year old was very tired the other evening and we told him we would have pasta for dinner. Apparently in his mind that meant spaghetti. When I brought it out he took a look in his bowl, threw his head back, shouted ‘IT’S RIGATONI!’ And then hulk-screamed/cried for about 10 minutes. Equally hilarious to this was my husband trying to reason with the gremlin child that they were both made from the same ingredients. Clearly a moment when logic would help!

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When our youngest (aka: DRAMA) was five we went on a hike with another family. He was eager to follow the other kids as they walked across a log over a very shallow stream. He happened to slip and one foot dipped into the stream, splashing him mildly in the face. (Oh, but when you're DRAMA, nothing is mild.) "MY EYE! MY EYE!" he screamed. "I'M A CYCLOPS!"

(We could not hold it together : )

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We were discussing space and my 5 year old asked about the man who couldn't use his arms, legs or speak and I said, "Oh you mean Stephen Hawking. He was a very smart scientist." My husband turns to me and says, "was?" and I'm like, "Yeah, he passed away a few years ago." My son heard this and started full-on weeping that he wanted to meet him. I didn't know how to console him so I went with the most rational thing I could think of (always a supremely helpful tactic when dealing with small children). I said, "Well, he lived in England so the chances of you meeting him were always very small." This, to no one's surprise, did not help.

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When my son was really little, maybe 18-24 months, for some reason, he got the idea that "anything" was a word to express anger. (We were trying to teach him to use words for emotions). So he would throw a tantrum and just scream "ANYTHING!" at the top of his lungs. And it was hilarious.

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My 9yo got covered in ants at school somehow and was telling me the whole story and said "Then I went into the bathroom stall to check my PRIVACY ZONE."

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My 5 year old just fell down in a way only kids can - (thank God) on her butt with both legs splayed in the air. She wasn’t hurt and I did laugh. She played it off, saying, “I did that to make you laugh.” LOL

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When my first kid was around 1.5-2 years old, learning to speak, and just started yelling "Oh shit! Oh shit!" at the top of his lungs. He was so proud he put a small sentence together.

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My then 3-year-old having a full-on meltdown because I dressed her in the wrong shade of purple. Good times...

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