My problem with "you will miss this later" is that people say it about a lot of parenting situations that I assure you I absolutely will not miss. Will I miss my kid being tiny and adorable and asking unintentionally funny questions because she doesn't know how the world works?
Sure.
Will I miss diapers, teething, ear infections, meltdowns at the store, and preschool-acquired norovirus?
I felt like I just had therapy reading this interview (in a good way!), this particularly: "It's not something to be avoided. It brings a sense of meaning into your life. You see, that’s part of parenting: it’s a continuity that comes from that sense of connection between the present and the past. Everybody goes through it. It’s the price of admission." YES
I often think looking back at pictures is a chance to appreciate and savor, when I couldn't really do that in the moment. I found myself looking at baby pictures at night, even when my son was a baby, because during the day there was just no time or space to process all the changes. I'm always grateful to my past self when I can look back at a picture and smile, even though I know right before that picture there was a meltdown or sickness or whatever. It's so confusing and messy, but I would rather look back than try to flatten it all into a "appreciate it while you can" narrative.
I have often said to myself that I wish I could time travel back to when kiddo was a baby. Then-me would get more rest and now-me would get to snuggle my baby without post-partum depression in the mix.
When we have perfect moments I try to mentally wrap them in a pearl and put them on a string. If the world is fair maybe they'll surface in my memory later in life.
It's crazy how I was literally just thinking about this very idea, because my son is about to turn 11 and my parents are in their 80s, how I wish I could hold onto the last 10 years and have time stop. And how nuts that is, how I know how irrational that is, and yet I still want it, you know? Wonderful interview, Claire. Just wonderful.
I am the week jr thank you witch! My kid can read and likes to read but won’t read chapter books (she starts 3rd grade monday) and is suspicious of graphic novels and comics but non-fiction every week sign her up!
This all rings so true to me! I have often said I wish we could 'time-travellers wife' our way through our kids' childhoods. Feel like spending hours playing legos? Go back to when they were 5! Want to have a deep discussion about themes in a Hitchcock movie? See them when they're 13! Want to spend 2 hours watching HGTV with a newborn napping on your chest? You get the picture. :) Of course if I think about that book too much my brain hurts and I know it wouldn't really work but...
There is a song on the radio right now called Good Old Days by The Revivalists and when I actually listen to the lyrics I'm like, damn, this is a good message! So I'm humming that to myself when my 9 year old still insists he CANNOT start the shower on his own, Mom just does it so much better lollllll
I would also love to do this with my own childhood. There is a movie called About Time that kind of gets to this as well. Also--was it here that (Claire?) or someone quoted Chuck Klosterman (of all people) who said something to the effect of--when you are bored out of your skull playing on the floor with Legos or at your wits end on the 4th hour of bedtime, imagine you are 99 and /or on your deathbed and you've been granted a time travel back to this moment right now, so just be there and enjoy it. This idea has helped me.
I wanted for so long to write about the science of why we feel sad about/forget about the hard parts of parenting and couldn't get my shit together--I was so glad Fred showed up!
Just one more thing -- love the suggestion about the Week Jr. magazine. Definitely going to get a subscription -- I can remember loving nothing more when I was a kid than our (monthly?) issue of National Geographic World magazine, which back then was NG's magazine for kids. Hopefully my little man will enjoy this as much as I loved World.
Another THANK YOU to the witch who recommended not folding underwear. I've extended this to toddler clothes -- t-shirts, shorts, leggings, and pants just get separate stacks in the drawers now. If I pull a shirt from the middle of the stack and it's left askew? OH WELL!
My kids are older now and I absolutely feel that pang when a Facebook memory comes up or something. But when I'm seated at a restaurant and a parent and kid are engaged in an asyncronous pas de deux at the next table, it's a relief to be like, not it!
Totally. I'm at a coffee shop right now and I was just smiling benevolently at the tiny tot next to me but then when he started squawking I sure wasn't like Oh I miss these days.
Lovely interview, thank you for this perspective! I thank a witch for letting me know that preschoolers can have showers. (Supervised and assisted, of course.) I was under the assumption that kids got baths until elementary or so. This saved me SO much time and effort when my kid was younger! Just spray them down when you’re short on time/energy and save baths as a longer playtime/activity/event.
quoting myself here - "I would like to go back in time and give the me of ten years ago, parenting a small child, one of those strong hugs that ends with vigorous back patting. It was hard but it did pass and get better, and the only way out was through. But I wouldn’t tell this to past me, because I would have reacted by blowing up at future me for having the audacity to share this useless advice"
I hope I am not one of those more experienced parents who tells a stressed-out newer parent to "calm down." That never helped. One grandma did tell me once when she saw me stressed out "Let your not heart be troubled" and that was OK but barely.
My boy was the happiest child in the world until he started school. (We were also the happiest parents in the world for five blissful years.) Also, he was healthy (except for getting chicken pox, which was no drama), ate well, slept well and was a lot of fun. I was the mom everyone loved to hate because I had no bad stories.
I knew this was going to even out eventually. And boy howdy, did it ever.
Now he is 17 and all three of us have ridden the roller coaster of incomprehension punctuated by brief moments of incandescence for far too long. Looking at pictures of the small happy boy bring back those lovely memories, sure, but then I crash to the ground wondering wtf has gone so wrong and why didn't I (as mama) or we (as parents) act sooner to turn the ship around.
At the beginning of August we sent him away for a timeout year at a school in Denmark so all of us can recalibrate.
Four weeks in, we just had our first video call. He is radiant. And relaxed. I have not seen that face since he was my chubby boy.
My problem with "you will miss this later" is that people say it about a lot of parenting situations that I assure you I absolutely will not miss. Will I miss my kid being tiny and adorable and asking unintentionally funny questions because she doesn't know how the world works?
Sure.
Will I miss diapers, teething, ear infections, meltdowns at the store, and preschool-acquired norovirus?
I'm thinking no.
it's really hard to imagine any other scenario where you're like "I'll miss not knowing what the f I was doing and feeling inept and terrified."
Bingo! Perfectly said.
I felt like I just had therapy reading this interview (in a good way!), this particularly: "It's not something to be avoided. It brings a sense of meaning into your life. You see, that’s part of parenting: it’s a continuity that comes from that sense of connection between the present and the past. Everybody goes through it. It’s the price of admission." YES
I often think looking back at pictures is a chance to appreciate and savor, when I couldn't really do that in the moment. I found myself looking at baby pictures at night, even when my son was a baby, because during the day there was just no time or space to process all the changes. I'm always grateful to my past self when I can look back at a picture and smile, even though I know right before that picture there was a meltdown or sickness or whatever. It's so confusing and messy, but I would rather look back than try to flatten it all into a "appreciate it while you can" narrative.
I know, it's so funny how you're like shut the f up and get in bed and leave me alone so I can look at cute pictures of you while I watch tv.
I have often said to myself that I wish I could time travel back to when kiddo was a baby. Then-me would get more rest and now-me would get to snuggle my baby without post-partum depression in the mix.
When we have perfect moments I try to mentally wrap them in a pearl and put them on a string. If the world is fair maybe they'll surface in my memory later in life.
It's crazy how I was literally just thinking about this very idea, because my son is about to turn 11 and my parents are in their 80s, how I wish I could hold onto the last 10 years and have time stop. And how nuts that is, how I know how irrational that is, and yet I still want it, you know? Wonderful interview, Claire. Just wonderful.
thank you!
I am the week jr thank you witch! My kid can read and likes to read but won’t read chapter books (she starts 3rd grade monday) and is suspicious of graphic novels and comics but non-fiction every week sign her up!
This all rings so true to me! I have often said I wish we could 'time-travellers wife' our way through our kids' childhoods. Feel like spending hours playing legos? Go back to when they were 5! Want to have a deep discussion about themes in a Hitchcock movie? See them when they're 13! Want to spend 2 hours watching HGTV with a newborn napping on your chest? You get the picture. :) Of course if I think about that book too much my brain hurts and I know it wouldn't really work but...
There is a song on the radio right now called Good Old Days by The Revivalists and when I actually listen to the lyrics I'm like, damn, this is a good message! So I'm humming that to myself when my 9 year old still insists he CANNOT start the shower on his own, Mom just does it so much better lollllll
I would also love to do this with my own childhood. There is a movie called About Time that kind of gets to this as well. Also--was it here that (Claire?) or someone quoted Chuck Klosterman (of all people) who said something to the effect of--when you are bored out of your skull playing on the floor with Legos or at your wits end on the 4th hour of bedtime, imagine you are 99 and /or on your deathbed and you've been granted a time travel back to this moment right now, so just be there and enjoy it. This idea has helped me.
This was the SHIT. I think about this stuff all the time <3
I wanted for so long to write about the science of why we feel sad about/forget about the hard parts of parenting and couldn't get my shit together--I was so glad Fred showed up!
Just one more thing -- love the suggestion about the Week Jr. magazine. Definitely going to get a subscription -- I can remember loving nothing more when I was a kid than our (monthly?) issue of National Geographic World magazine, which back then was NG's magazine for kids. Hopefully my little man will enjoy this as much as I loved World.
Honest History is another one to check out. You can pick the issues you want and we like to get the ones from places we've been.
I second this one. In addition to The Week and Honest History, we also love Illustoria!!
The pro tip to spruce up a bagged salad with a whole avocado for a weekday lunch and recognize you are indeed winning in the eat vegetables game.
ha that was me! I have an avocado waiting at home for me that basically is giving me a reason to get through the day.
Another THANK YOU to the witch who recommended not folding underwear. I've extended this to toddler clothes -- t-shirts, shorts, leggings, and pants just get separate stacks in the drawers now. If I pull a shirt from the middle of the stack and it's left askew? OH WELL!
I don't know if this was me but I do love yelling about how we don't need to fold so either way I say HELL YES JOIN THE REVOLUTION
My kids are older now and I absolutely feel that pang when a Facebook memory comes up or something. But when I'm seated at a restaurant and a parent and kid are engaged in an asyncronous pas de deux at the next table, it's a relief to be like, not it!
Totally. I'm at a coffee shop right now and I was just smiling benevolently at the tiny tot next to me but then when he started squawking I sure wasn't like Oh I miss these days.
HAH, exactly! Been there, done that, have the strained eardrums to prove it.
Lovely interview, thank you for this perspective! I thank a witch for letting me know that preschoolers can have showers. (Supervised and assisted, of course.) I was under the assumption that kids got baths until elementary or so. This saved me SO much time and effort when my kid was younger! Just spray them down when you’re short on time/energy and save baths as a longer playtime/activity/event.
I love this! God sometimes you just get so stuck in your routine you don't even think about options
quoting myself here - "I would like to go back in time and give the me of ten years ago, parenting a small child, one of those strong hugs that ends with vigorous back patting. It was hard but it did pass and get better, and the only way out was through. But I wouldn’t tell this to past me, because I would have reacted by blowing up at future me for having the audacity to share this useless advice"
haha that is perfect.
I hope I am not one of those more experienced parents who tells a stressed-out newer parent to "calm down." That never helped. One grandma did tell me once when she saw me stressed out "Let your not heart be troubled" and that was OK but barely.
My boy was the happiest child in the world until he started school. (We were also the happiest parents in the world for five blissful years.) Also, he was healthy (except for getting chicken pox, which was no drama), ate well, slept well and was a lot of fun. I was the mom everyone loved to hate because I had no bad stories.
I knew this was going to even out eventually. And boy howdy, did it ever.
Now he is 17 and all three of us have ridden the roller coaster of incomprehension punctuated by brief moments of incandescence for far too long. Looking at pictures of the small happy boy bring back those lovely memories, sure, but then I crash to the ground wondering wtf has gone so wrong and why didn't I (as mama) or we (as parents) act sooner to turn the ship around.
At the beginning of August we sent him away for a timeout year at a school in Denmark so all of us can recalibrate.
Four weeks in, we just had our first video call. He is radiant. And relaxed. I have not seen that face since he was my chubby boy.
oh Caroline I'm so glad to hear that it's working well for him. sending you all good vibes.
Witchy suggestion: you can buy a diaper caddy and use it to cart your shit around the house. I use one to hold my library books!