I’ve received some feedback on today’s issue that made me realize that it may be depressing or hurtful to readers dealing with secondary infertility and/or other issues related to the desired cadence of siblings. (I also failed to include a content warning that the issue deals with miscarriage.) I was hoping to indicate that any age gap, small or large, between siblings does not guarantee harmony (not to mention the implicit message from issues past that for many, no siblings is the right choice for them) but I think the stories I provided seemed to skew towards the negative which is rough on those who are trying to have another child well after their first due to circumstances beyond their control and for that, I’m truly sorry. I did get some much happier stories from readers whose far-apart siblings love their relationship but I didn't receive approval to run them in time for this to go out so in my head this issue maybe had a wider variety of experiences than it presented.
Bah! I meant to respond to your email and then *waves hands* something happened.
I have a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I was content to be 'one and done.' We had our oldest, M, when I was 24 and a combination of terrible PPD and the scrimping we did to build our careers while also raising a kid kind of put me off adding to the family. Fast-forward several years and I decided we had the bandwidth for another human. Our careers were well established, finances were good, I was in a good place mentally, etc. (Happy to report the crushing PPD that I had with Kid #1 did not occur with Kid #2.)
M was almost 11 when H was born. She was excited, and just the best helper with her brother. As they've both gotten older there has been a little friction -- mostly she's a teen and she's bristling at still having to listen to her idiot parents -- but she is still the best helper and loves her brother. He is a big goof and knows just how to push her buttons, so to my surprise they still squabble like I see closer aged siblings do. All of her friends just love him and think he's the cutest, which she just rolls her eyes at, but I think she secretly enjoys. I wasn't sure what to expect of their relationship, I'm 7 & 8 years older than my younger sisters and I don't have a close relationship with either of them. It felt like I moved out just as they were starting to get interesting. But, by contrast, my husband is 10 & 15 years younger than his siblings and he talks to his older brother and sister at least once a week!
Having a high school junior and a kindergartener can feel like whiplash. I'm taking one on college tours and teaching the other how to tie his shoes. And sometimes I do kind of kick myself for delaying my 'empty nest' years, but these things happen in their own time. It is sometimes like having two only children and everything I learned about taking care of an infant had either been changed by new research or I had forgotten. It's been exhausting sometimes and was a definite struggle in the beginning -- sleep deprivation hits different in your mid-30s versus mid-20s. But I'm glad we have them and glad they have each other.
I’m the oldest of 6 evenly spaced kids, so I have the experience of both closely and widely aged siblings (3 years older than the next, 12 years older than the youngest). Definitely had resentment as a teenager about family activities being always geared to the little ones, and probably my parents didn’t give me as much attention as I needed at this age because they were always busy with so many kids. But I loved having cute babies and toddlers to play with, and now we are adults we are really close friends. I was a pretty nerdy teenager but apparently in their eyes I was super cool, so I’ve found out that I shaped their tastes and world views in a lot of ways (which is cool and weird!)
What is a "vanity child?" That seems like such a mean thing to say about both your sister as the parent and your neibling but maybe I'm misunderstanding the term.
My sister and I are 17 years apart (yes, same parents and no siblings in between!) It was a shock to find out I was finally getting the little brother or sister I’d wanted when I was about 6. I left for college when she was around 1 but moved back home for a few years after graduating and I was def more like a mom than a sister to her.
But we were always close and had so much fun together no matter what age we were at. We’re 44 and 27 now and we are BEST friends. She dotes on my 3 year old and he adores her. We had our kiddo through IVF and a second (biological) baby isn’t in the cards for us. I am embracing all the good parts of a single child family (while possible hoping to adopt in the future) but a part of me is devastated that I can’t give my son the possibility of this special sibling relationship.
My littlest siblings are 13 and 15 years younger than me! I'm obsessed with them, and remember feeling that way when they were born, too. I did a lot of babysitting, showed them off to my high school friends, moved away to college around when they were starting school, and kept up with what they were doing via cute emails from my mom and visiting at holidays. Now they're both rad young adults and we talk about once a week.
There was definitely an adjustment period where I had to figure out when I could have my own conversations with my parents and they wouldn't be focused on the little kids, but eventually I found it by lying on their bed in the evenings after baby bedtimes but before parents conked out.
It must have been complicated for my parents, but I would say it was pretty much an unalloyed good for us kids!
Super interesting- varied perspectives. I asked all moms I knew if they liked having kids at younger or older age and most people were biased toward whatever they had chosen. Def key to lower and manage expectations about siblings regardless. So much is random and variable with closeness. My cousin has a 8 year old and 1 year old and they love each other. I'm an only and love it and would be happy having an only as well but my spouse wants two. The bickering would be an adjustment. There's always downsides to whatever age gap you have so it's important to embrace whatever you get.
I’ve received some feedback on today’s issue that made me realize that it may be depressing or hurtful to readers dealing with secondary infertility and/or other issues related to the desired cadence of siblings. (I also failed to include a content warning that the issue deals with miscarriage.) I was hoping to indicate that any age gap, small or large, between siblings does not guarantee harmony (not to mention the implicit message from issues past that for many, no siblings is the right choice for them) but I think the stories I provided seemed to skew towards the negative which is rough on those who are trying to have another child well after their first due to circumstances beyond their control and for that, I’m truly sorry. I did get some much happier stories from readers whose far-apart siblings love their relationship but I didn't receive approval to run them in time for this to go out so in my head this issue maybe had a wider variety of experiences than it presented.
Bah! I meant to respond to your email and then *waves hands* something happened.
I have a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I was content to be 'one and done.' We had our oldest, M, when I was 24 and a combination of terrible PPD and the scrimping we did to build our careers while also raising a kid kind of put me off adding to the family. Fast-forward several years and I decided we had the bandwidth for another human. Our careers were well established, finances were good, I was in a good place mentally, etc. (Happy to report the crushing PPD that I had with Kid #1 did not occur with Kid #2.)
M was almost 11 when H was born. She was excited, and just the best helper with her brother. As they've both gotten older there has been a little friction -- mostly she's a teen and she's bristling at still having to listen to her idiot parents -- but she is still the best helper and loves her brother. He is a big goof and knows just how to push her buttons, so to my surprise they still squabble like I see closer aged siblings do. All of her friends just love him and think he's the cutest, which she just rolls her eyes at, but I think she secretly enjoys. I wasn't sure what to expect of their relationship, I'm 7 & 8 years older than my younger sisters and I don't have a close relationship with either of them. It felt like I moved out just as they were starting to get interesting. But, by contrast, my husband is 10 & 15 years younger than his siblings and he talks to his older brother and sister at least once a week!
Having a high school junior and a kindergartener can feel like whiplash. I'm taking one on college tours and teaching the other how to tie his shoes. And sometimes I do kind of kick myself for delaying my 'empty nest' years, but these things happen in their own time. It is sometimes like having two only children and everything I learned about taking care of an infant had either been changed by new research or I had forgotten. It's been exhausting sometimes and was a definite struggle in the beginning -- sleep deprivation hits different in your mid-30s versus mid-20s. But I'm glad we have them and glad they have each other.
I’m the oldest of 6 evenly spaced kids, so I have the experience of both closely and widely aged siblings (3 years older than the next, 12 years older than the youngest). Definitely had resentment as a teenager about family activities being always geared to the little ones, and probably my parents didn’t give me as much attention as I needed at this age because they were always busy with so many kids. But I loved having cute babies and toddlers to play with, and now we are adults we are really close friends. I was a pretty nerdy teenager but apparently in their eyes I was super cool, so I’ve found out that I shaped their tastes and world views in a lot of ways (which is cool and weird!)
What is a "vanity child?" That seems like such a mean thing to say about both your sister as the parent and your neibling but maybe I'm misunderstanding the term.
My sister and I are 17 years apart (yes, same parents and no siblings in between!) It was a shock to find out I was finally getting the little brother or sister I’d wanted when I was about 6. I left for college when she was around 1 but moved back home for a few years after graduating and I was def more like a mom than a sister to her.
But we were always close and had so much fun together no matter what age we were at. We’re 44 and 27 now and we are BEST friends. She dotes on my 3 year old and he adores her. We had our kiddo through IVF and a second (biological) baby isn’t in the cards for us. I am embracing all the good parts of a single child family (while possible hoping to adopt in the future) but a part of me is devastated that I can’t give my son the possibility of this special sibling relationship.
My littlest siblings are 13 and 15 years younger than me! I'm obsessed with them, and remember feeling that way when they were born, too. I did a lot of babysitting, showed them off to my high school friends, moved away to college around when they were starting school, and kept up with what they were doing via cute emails from my mom and visiting at holidays. Now they're both rad young adults and we talk about once a week.
There was definitely an adjustment period where I had to figure out when I could have my own conversations with my parents and they wouldn't be focused on the little kids, but eventually I found it by lying on their bed in the evenings after baby bedtimes but before parents conked out.
It must have been complicated for my parents, but I would say it was pretty much an unalloyed good for us kids!
Super interesting- varied perspectives. I asked all moms I knew if they liked having kids at younger or older age and most people were biased toward whatever they had chosen. Def key to lower and manage expectations about siblings regardless. So much is random and variable with closeness. My cousin has a 8 year old and 1 year old and they love each other. I'm an only and love it and would be happy having an only as well but my spouse wants two. The bickering would be an adjustment. There's always downsides to whatever age gap you have so it's important to embrace whatever you get.