I’ve received some feedback on today’s issue that made me realize that it may be depressing or hurtful to readers dealing with secondary infertility and/or other issues related to the desired cadence of siblings. (I also failed to include a content warning that the issue deals with miscarriage.) I was hoping to indicate that any age gap, small or large, between siblings does not guarantee harmony (not to mention the implicit message from issues past that for many, no siblings is the right choice for them) but I think the stories I provided seemed to skew towards the negative which is rough on those who are trying to have another child well after their first due to circumstances beyond their control and for that, I’m truly sorry. I did get some much happier stories from readers whose far-apart siblings love their relationship but I didn't receive approval to run them in time for this to go out so in my head this issue maybe had a wider variety of experiences than it presented.
Thanks for this, Claire! I did notice the overall negativity of experiences in the post and it worried me since my 10yr old and 2yr old are still figuring things out (aren’t we all) I felt like we were somehow doomed! but I was really happy to read some more positive stories in the comments! 10yo will often say he wishes 2yo was born earlier so they could play together which is always gut wrenching b/c of the 5 miscarriages between them and I always end up snapping something like “well, you can’t always get what you want, kid!” lately I’ve really been really feeling the difference btwn wrangling a toddler at 42 vs 34 and just feeling OOOOOLD. 8yrs apart, they definitely don’t have much in common but luckily 10yo is pretty immature and 2yo is very social so they do connect with silly play a little bit each day and I’m grateful for that. I’m the oldest of 4 and we are all 3yrs apart and get along well. I’m really close w/ my youngest sister who is 9yrs younger and I kind of talk it up alot to my son like “see, you might not have a lot in common now but just hang in and you’ll probably be really happy that she’s around when you’re older” god, I hope so!
Bah! I meant to respond to your email and then *waves hands* something happened.
I have a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I was content to be 'one and done.' We had our oldest, M, when I was 24 and a combination of terrible PPD and the scrimping we did to build our careers while also raising a kid kind of put me off adding to the family. Fast-forward several years and I decided we had the bandwidth for another human. Our careers were well established, finances were good, I was in a good place mentally, etc. (Happy to report the crushing PPD that I had with Kid #1 did not occur with Kid #2.)
M was almost 11 when H was born. She was excited, and just the best helper with her brother. As they've both gotten older there has been a little friction -- mostly she's a teen and she's bristling at still having to listen to her idiot parents -- but she is still the best helper and loves her brother. He is a big goof and knows just how to push her buttons, so to my surprise they still squabble like I see closer aged siblings do. All of her friends just love him and think he's the cutest, which she just rolls her eyes at, but I think she secretly enjoys. I wasn't sure what to expect of their relationship, I'm 7 & 8 years older than my younger sisters and I don't have a close relationship with either of them. It felt like I moved out just as they were starting to get interesting. But, by contrast, my husband is 10 & 15 years younger than his siblings and he talks to his older brother and sister at least once a week!
Having a high school junior and a kindergartener can feel like whiplash. I'm taking one on college tours and teaching the other how to tie his shoes. And sometimes I do kind of kick myself for delaying my 'empty nest' years, but these things happen in their own time. It is sometimes like having two only children and everything I learned about taking care of an infant had either been changed by new research or I had forgotten. It's been exhausting sometimes and was a definite struggle in the beginning -- sleep deprivation hits different in your mid-30s versus mid-20s. But I'm glad we have them and glad they have each other.
I’m the oldest of 6 evenly spaced kids, so I have the experience of both closely and widely aged siblings (3 years older than the next, 12 years older than the youngest). Definitely had resentment as a teenager about family activities being always geared to the little ones, and probably my parents didn’t give me as much attention as I needed at this age because they were always busy with so many kids. But I loved having cute babies and toddlers to play with, and now we are adults we are really close friends. I was a pretty nerdy teenager but apparently in their eyes I was super cool, so I’ve found out that I shaped their tastes and world views in a lot of ways (which is cool and weird!)
What is a "vanity child?" That seems like such a mean thing to say about both your sister as the parent and your neibling but maybe I'm misunderstanding the term.
I was asking around on Twitter if that phrase made sense to others. People seemed to concur it’s a child you have to prove you still got it (the fertility, the money, the energy, the youth.) but I had never heard that phrase either!
My sister and I are 17 years apart (yes, same parents and no siblings in between!) It was a shock to find out I was finally getting the little brother or sister I’d wanted when I was about 6. I left for college when she was around 1 but moved back home for a few years after graduating and I was def more like a mom than a sister to her.
But we were always close and had so much fun together no matter what age we were at. We’re 44 and 27 now and we are BEST friends. She dotes on my 3 year old and he adores her. We had our kiddo through IVF and a second (biological) baby isn’t in the cards for us. I am embracing all the good parts of a single child family (while possible hoping to adopt in the future) but a part of me is devastated that I can’t give my son the possibility of this special sibling relationship.
Thank you for sharing. Considering the path not taken (whether we chose to take it or not) can involve so much heartache and mental energy. I love that your sister is such a great aunt to your son. My brother and his husband will never have kids and my husband is an only so I sometimes am sad mine don't have any first cousins to play with at family gatherings but I pull back and realize they don't know what they're missing, it's just my idea of what families should be.
My littlest siblings are 13 and 15 years younger than me! I'm obsessed with them, and remember feeling that way when they were born, too. I did a lot of babysitting, showed them off to my high school friends, moved away to college around when they were starting school, and kept up with what they were doing via cute emails from my mom and visiting at holidays. Now they're both rad young adults and we talk about once a week.
There was definitely an adjustment period where I had to figure out when I could have my own conversations with my parents and they wouldn't be focused on the little kids, but eventually I found it by lying on their bed in the evenings after baby bedtimes but before parents conked out.
It must have been complicated for my parents, but I would say it was pretty much an unalloyed good for us kids!
Super interesting- varied perspectives. I asked all moms I knew if they liked having kids at younger or older age and most people were biased toward whatever they had chosen. Def key to lower and manage expectations about siblings regardless. So much is random and variable with closeness. My cousin has a 8 year old and 1 year old and they love each other. I'm an only and love it and would be happy having an only as well but my spouse wants two. The bickering would be an adjustment. There's always downsides to whatever age gap you have so it's important to embrace whatever you get.
I’ve received some feedback on today’s issue that made me realize that it may be depressing or hurtful to readers dealing with secondary infertility and/or other issues related to the desired cadence of siblings. (I also failed to include a content warning that the issue deals with miscarriage.) I was hoping to indicate that any age gap, small or large, between siblings does not guarantee harmony (not to mention the implicit message from issues past that for many, no siblings is the right choice for them) but I think the stories I provided seemed to skew towards the negative which is rough on those who are trying to have another child well after their first due to circumstances beyond their control and for that, I’m truly sorry. I did get some much happier stories from readers whose far-apart siblings love their relationship but I didn't receive approval to run them in time for this to go out so in my head this issue maybe had a wider variety of experiences than it presented.
Thanks for this, Claire! I did notice the overall negativity of experiences in the post and it worried me since my 10yr old and 2yr old are still figuring things out (aren’t we all) I felt like we were somehow doomed! but I was really happy to read some more positive stories in the comments! 10yo will often say he wishes 2yo was born earlier so they could play together which is always gut wrenching b/c of the 5 miscarriages between them and I always end up snapping something like “well, you can’t always get what you want, kid!” lately I’ve really been really feeling the difference btwn wrangling a toddler at 42 vs 34 and just feeling OOOOOLD. 8yrs apart, they definitely don’t have much in common but luckily 10yo is pretty immature and 2yo is very social so they do connect with silly play a little bit each day and I’m grateful for that. I’m the oldest of 4 and we are all 3yrs apart and get along well. I’m really close w/ my youngest sister who is 9yrs younger and I kind of talk it up alot to my son like “see, you might not have a lot in common now but just hang in and you’ll probably be really happy that she’s around when you’re older” god, I hope so!
Bah! I meant to respond to your email and then *waves hands* something happened.
I have a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I was content to be 'one and done.' We had our oldest, M, when I was 24 and a combination of terrible PPD and the scrimping we did to build our careers while also raising a kid kind of put me off adding to the family. Fast-forward several years and I decided we had the bandwidth for another human. Our careers were well established, finances were good, I was in a good place mentally, etc. (Happy to report the crushing PPD that I had with Kid #1 did not occur with Kid #2.)
M was almost 11 when H was born. She was excited, and just the best helper with her brother. As they've both gotten older there has been a little friction -- mostly she's a teen and she's bristling at still having to listen to her idiot parents -- but she is still the best helper and loves her brother. He is a big goof and knows just how to push her buttons, so to my surprise they still squabble like I see closer aged siblings do. All of her friends just love him and think he's the cutest, which she just rolls her eyes at, but I think she secretly enjoys. I wasn't sure what to expect of their relationship, I'm 7 & 8 years older than my younger sisters and I don't have a close relationship with either of them. It felt like I moved out just as they were starting to get interesting. But, by contrast, my husband is 10 & 15 years younger than his siblings and he talks to his older brother and sister at least once a week!
Having a high school junior and a kindergartener can feel like whiplash. I'm taking one on college tours and teaching the other how to tie his shoes. And sometimes I do kind of kick myself for delaying my 'empty nest' years, but these things happen in their own time. It is sometimes like having two only children and everything I learned about taking care of an infant had either been changed by new research or I had forgotten. It's been exhausting sometimes and was a definite struggle in the beginning -- sleep deprivation hits different in your mid-30s versus mid-20s. But I'm glad we have them and glad they have each other.
thank you for sharing this!
I’m the oldest of 6 evenly spaced kids, so I have the experience of both closely and widely aged siblings (3 years older than the next, 12 years older than the youngest). Definitely had resentment as a teenager about family activities being always geared to the little ones, and probably my parents didn’t give me as much attention as I needed at this age because they were always busy with so many kids. But I loved having cute babies and toddlers to play with, and now we are adults we are really close friends. I was a pretty nerdy teenager but apparently in their eyes I was super cool, so I’ve found out that I shaped their tastes and world views in a lot of ways (which is cool and weird!)
What is a "vanity child?" That seems like such a mean thing to say about both your sister as the parent and your neibling but maybe I'm misunderstanding the term.
I was asking around on Twitter if that phrase made sense to others. People seemed to concur it’s a child you have to prove you still got it (the fertility, the money, the energy, the youth.) but I had never heard that phrase either!
My sister and I are 17 years apart (yes, same parents and no siblings in between!) It was a shock to find out I was finally getting the little brother or sister I’d wanted when I was about 6. I left for college when she was around 1 but moved back home for a few years after graduating and I was def more like a mom than a sister to her.
But we were always close and had so much fun together no matter what age we were at. We’re 44 and 27 now and we are BEST friends. She dotes on my 3 year old and he adores her. We had our kiddo through IVF and a second (biological) baby isn’t in the cards for us. I am embracing all the good parts of a single child family (while possible hoping to adopt in the future) but a part of me is devastated that I can’t give my son the possibility of this special sibling relationship.
Thank you for sharing. Considering the path not taken (whether we chose to take it or not) can involve so much heartache and mental energy. I love that your sister is such a great aunt to your son. My brother and his husband will never have kids and my husband is an only so I sometimes am sad mine don't have any first cousins to play with at family gatherings but I pull back and realize they don't know what they're missing, it's just my idea of what families should be.
My littlest siblings are 13 and 15 years younger than me! I'm obsessed with them, and remember feeling that way when they were born, too. I did a lot of babysitting, showed them off to my high school friends, moved away to college around when they were starting school, and kept up with what they were doing via cute emails from my mom and visiting at holidays. Now they're both rad young adults and we talk about once a week.
There was definitely an adjustment period where I had to figure out when I could have my own conversations with my parents and they wouldn't be focused on the little kids, but eventually I found it by lying on their bed in the evenings after baby bedtimes but before parents conked out.
It must have been complicated for my parents, but I would say it was pretty much an unalloyed good for us kids!
This is great--I love that you found your space with your parents and I'm sure they were so happy you found your way to communicate with them.
Super interesting- varied perspectives. I asked all moms I knew if they liked having kids at younger or older age and most people were biased toward whatever they had chosen. Def key to lower and manage expectations about siblings regardless. So much is random and variable with closeness. My cousin has a 8 year old and 1 year old and they love each other. I'm an only and love it and would be happy having an only as well but my spouse wants two. The bickering would be an adjustment. There's always downsides to whatever age gap you have so it's important to embrace whatever you get.