I occasionally get enraged over how much stuff my kids have. I get mad at them, myself, their grandparents, and capitalism.
The thing my kids have the most of are Legos, little pieces of plastic that just keep getting manufactured, thanks in part to us. I hate this.
But a few months ago, we were going through a rough phase with my younger kid where nobody was getting along. I found him in the basement one day, jamming away quietly with the Legos by himself. And I realized something. While the amount of plastic crap is real, the kids really play with these toys. It keeps them quiet, and they build little imaginary scenes with them. They’ve taken what they’ve learned from Lego books and Outschools and have made new things on their own. And it’s one of the things that my kid with ADHD can lock into and enjoy and do the damn thing on.
So I’m just going to let this one go. Stop raging about it. The Legos will eventually get donated to some other kids someday. We are still able to put them away. Most importantly, I have plenty of other things to be mad about in the meantime.
What’s a family life battle, big or tiny, you have graciously chosen to walk away from?
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I have given up the fight on what defines a breakfast food. Ritz crackers? Goldfish? Pair it with fruit and it's not THAT different from cereal.... right??
My youngest lives for spaghetti and meatballs leftovers for breakfast. My current breakfast mantra is please children eat something. An Oreo? Ok. Could you also have some cheese?
This is me with dinner! Ok you want banana and peanut butter and a side of blackberries (literally my five year olds dinner last night) Sure why not let’s go!
I gave up on trying to get my inlaws to like me!! It's been very freeing. I'm a bit unconventional for their taste and I used to try so hard for their approval. Having kids was the point when I was like - I don't really care what your opinion is here because I'm doing this our way - my kids are 6 and 3 now, and they don't really question our methods anymore and really enjoy having our kids over, so I feel like just leaning info my confidence helped with that. It also helped me let go of the fact that they let them stay up until like 10 or 11 and watch soooooo much screens when the kids sleepover. They are small nightmares after, but that's my husband's problem LOL not my parents, not my problem!
I feel you so hard on this. I still find it hard to be around my in-laws (they... don't... talk to me?) but I just go do something else and try not to get too mad when they're being especially challenging. My only concern is that my kid will start to pick up on the fact that I very quietly absent myself around his grandparents... but I've got a few years before he gets there, if he ever even does!
Well if he does get there is it such a bad thing to learn that relationships are super complicated? And sometimes a little bit of distance is better than a lotta bad drama. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
One more: my parents being annoyed that I don't call them more. I've just decided to let it go. I have twins and a full-time job. They are retired. The phone works two ways!
I have teenagers - it's really all a different form of "help your parents when asked". Hygiene is up there too... but as teens, they waste towels/water/use all the good shampoo so it's more of a SAVE WATER. THE REST OF THE TOWN WILL NEED SOME.
I give zero fucks about screen time guidelines except for shutting everything down at what I consider a reasonable time (11PM for the teen) on school nights. My 11 year old self-polices this very well so I'm not worried about him yet, but the teen needs hard boundaries (thank you Apple Family settings.) The time I probably spent talking on the phone with friends, watching must see tv, and reading Star Hits magazine would now be done on a phone or tablet. The only time I restrict access or shut things down earlier is when grades fall below a C.
I also let the kids be sort of pigs with their rooms as far as toys/clutter/clothes. Just no food and no scope creep into the main living areas. If they are clean, on time, and can find stuff with whatever system they have in their minds, I don't get involved. And Witches, the best possible threat you can make to a teenager is "I'm going to clean your room while you are at school/practice/otherwise out of the house."
I am going to copy this for a One Witchy Thing--brilliant.
I also ignore the rooms by and large until the cleaning ladies come and then I low key guilt them about if you don't clean up the team can't do their job. I am very lucky that my kids don't smell too much yet. I know it's just a matter of time though.
Mar 16, 2023·edited Mar 16, 2023Liked by Claire Zulkey
I could not give one last fuck about what my kids wear. As long as it's cleanish and you're dressed mildly appropriately for the weather, bye bye. I use to fight with my youngest kid EVERY SINGLE MORNING about clothes/not having anything clean to wear because she is very sensitive to fabrics and fit, and only likes to wear one specific style of baselayer pants (i wont even get into the threadbare hand me down undies.... we're down to 4 and not for long). And we only have 3 pairs of these pants.
So guess what? Now I make sure to do a load of laundry on Sunday and a load on Wednesday night and we are good for the week. Some of them are patched (I LOVE YOU NOSO PATCHES), all of them are stained. Do I care? Actually, yes. Do I fight about it anymore? No.
I also will let her wear whatever she wants as long as it is reasonably clean and also clothing. Thank goodness for her school requiring uniforms!!!! Although, the shirts are button up polos and she hates buttons, so for kindergarten I cut all the buttons off and stitched some of the buttonholes closed (I am a quilter, so all of these tools are easy to access in my house). This year for first grade, she is very INTO buttons and refuses to wear the one polo shirt that I lost one of the buttons to (because I ripped the stitching that closed the shirts out and sewed buttons back on to all the polos that still fit her). I sound insane. I should have just bought new clothes.
I feel like "I sound insane" is the mantra that I come back to every time I try to explain the negotiations that I somehow get embroiled in with my kids.
me, realizing I am coming out big time behind with my byzantine Pokemon card reward system for household chores. For awhile the bed was made as long as I kept him in cards. Then I realized I'd rather just have him not make his dumb little bed and stop passing out these cards that he already has 80 million of.
I used to rip my hair out every time we attempted to get everyone out of the house on time. It's the subject of one of my recent poems. But I'm slowly learning to breathe and deal with the chaos as calmly as possible.
WILL WE EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE?
Surely the greatest test parents face,
Is to leave the house on time.
You dream of all the family members,
Standing by the door in one neat line.
Ready to step across the threshold,
Is there a chance we could leave early?
But as the clock starts ticking,
The atmosphere turns surly.
And it’s as if all this is new,
Have we never tried this thing before?
Put on our coats, laced up our shoes,
Explored the world outside our door?
The same chaotic ritual,
Begins to play out all over again,
As I shout angrily up the stairs:
“We have to leave at half past ten!”
“You’re wearing odd socks. Your jumper’s inside out.”
“And where’s your other shoe?”
“Quick. Go and find it in the car.”
“No, you don’t have time to use the loo!”
“We need to leave. We’ll miss the train.”
“This dawdling has to end.”
“Where’s your Zipcard? In your coat?”
“What do you mean you lent it to your friend?”
“Has anybody made sandwiches?”
“Where did you put the cheese?”
“Wait. You can’t go out wearing shorts like that,”
This is not an issue anymore, but when my kid was 2 (he is now 8) he went through a phase where he REFUSED to change out of his pajama top in the morning. Changing into pants was fine, but changing the shirt? Not happening. And one day my husband and I looked at each other and just…shrugged. It was still a shirt, right? So we left him in his previous night’s PJ shirt every day (he was OK changing into PJs at night). When he started preschool he accepted “daytime” shirts again, and now at 8 it is soccer jersey or bust.
I'm on the verge of allowing our younger son to be late for school one of these days of his own accord. I think he thinks we make him get his shoes and coat on at a certain time each day just to be jerks to him.
My almost-3-yo has started doing this recently! I can’t believe I’m not alone! Why must the shirt not be changed but the bottoms can be? Genuinely wish I could gain some insight into their brains.
Less laundry! My youngest rocked the pj shirt as clothes for years. He started to want to change in kinder but still loves to have some pj all day days on weekends
I thought I was the only witchy mom who doesn’t throw her kids birthday parties! My oldest is 5 and since kindergarten is basically an endless hell of weekend mornings eaten up by birthday parties I’m sure this will be the year he begs for one and we finally cave. But since the beginning it’s just been cake and presents with family at home. I’m not planning an event and inviting strangers to my house if I don’t have to.
I don't know when kids' birthday parties went from parents dropping off and picking up to a giant hang out. I can't focus on feeding/entertaining 12 children if I'm simultaneously feeding/entertaining 24 adults. Last year was bliss, 10th birthday was 'pick three friends and go to a place with them and have lunch there' and that seemed to make everyone happy.
I experienced a sudden conversion experience when I 100% lost my temper in the run up to my son's last birthday party, which involved 24 kids and just shy of 48 parents. The party was fine, but you know what would be an even better way to celebrate turning 7? Having a more-or-less sane mom. This fall, he can either pick 8 friends for a party (for turning 8), or we can take 2-3 friends on some kind of special outing. He will barely notice the difference, and I will chalk one up to learning lessons the hard way.
it is just unbelievable to me that adults (and so many times BOTH parents) want to come to a kids party (otherwise known as two hours of volume level 50 mayhem????
this is right up there with the parents who look at me and say “I have NEVER been away from my kids! i would just miss them so much”. and i am immediately like “well, we won’t be friends” (hopefully only in my head)
i could not believe it when people started showing up to my kids parties with BOTH parents and staying the whole time. i was like “do you people have fucking nothing else to do???”. if i could drop my kids off at someone’s house for a couple hours of blissful alone time? let’s just say i would be gone before you realized i had been there…except you would have more kids 😂😂
we had a b'day party for my kid a few weeks ago and I was worried I sounded a little too eager when I asked the other parents "So are you going to leave [smiley face] or stay [frowny face]?"
Bedtimes. My kids are 15 & 12 and get themselves up every morning. As long as they are getting out the door on time and not pulling straight Ds in school, bedtime is at their discretion in my book. We're now letting "natural consequences" of late nights do the teaching.
So here for this! We have a kindergartener who would stay up the whole night if we didn’t shovel him into bed. Cannot WAIT for a time I can say “goodnight!” as my last words instead of “did you brush your teeth? Get in your pajamas. I said get in your pajamas!!!” etc etc 🤪🤪 congrats 🥳
I tie grades to bedtime as well. As for getting out the door, a big struggle I have with the oldest is that him being late makes two other people (his brother, and me) late but he doesn't see that because he's the first to be dropped off. I am gritting my teeth until next year when he will be at a closer campus and will get himself to school on foot/bike.
So feel this. I basically make everyone get in the car fifteen minutes early, so we can be “on time.” Because I’m waffly about time myself so try to “hack” the clock for both the 5 year old and me. Peace be with your gritted teeth! 😇
When do they stop needing to be put to bed??? The 11 year old does it himself mostly but the 8 year old really needs to be shepherded in there and shows no signs of developing a sense of pride over being a big kid who does it himself.
ahh well, this is definitely a bittersweet subject for me. i have been laying down with my kids for FOREVER (yes, yes, i know….shut up). i work some night shifts so i know for a fact that they CAN do this themselves. however when i am home, they want me to snuggle them. so it is like snuggle with 11 yr old, fall asleep, get woken by 14 yr old to come snuggle with him, fall asleep, get woken by 16 yr old to spend time with him…husband mad bc no time for him, me feeling 1) happy my kids still really like me 2) depleted from musical beds every night 3) guilty that someone is always feeling neglected 4) mad bc when the fuck do i get to watch Ted Lasso????
I think the pandemic really led me to lots of fewer battles “picked.” (I have teenagers so this is older kid stuff.) Screen time, junk food, homework, not wearing a hat in winter? Well... it’s not great but it’s mostly fine.
I could really use all the wisdom about this. My oldest is 11, very much a pre-teen in attitude, and I'm navigating what hills to die on, that I know I most definitely will have a better handle on by the time my subsequent kids are 11! Right now it's screen time, friends he wants to hang with that don't bring out the best, and disrespectful attitude toward us and the siblings. It's tough.
Hello from disrespectful pre-teen hell! I actually wrote in my journal the other day "Am I raising an a-hole???? AM I AN A-HOLE?" Tweens will make you question your whole life.
I have been asking that question but of a much younger child. "Am I raising a Maga 4chan incel???" Glad to hear that I can keep exercising this worry muscle in the years to come.
I used a large portion of a therapy session discussing this after one particularly disastrous outing with my family. "I DON"T LIKE ANY OF THEM RIGHT NOW! I don't even like myself! Is this my fault?"
This age was such a slog with my son. We had 12-18 months of prepubescent attitude, flash-rage, and disgustingness. Then, suddenly, in a 2 week span, the switch flipped and he was human again. He showered! He was kind more often than a snarly beast! Manners returned! A lot of it is all those hormones coursing through them. And it was frustrating because you end up tippy-toeing around them trying not to elicit the rage, but then you get mad because you're the parent, dammit... Good luck.
OMG this sums up my life and concerns exactly. Being gross, frustrated that I'm trying to be understanding towards him but feeling like we're all becoming deferential. God I hope it's a 12-18 mo span, I was worried it would be the entirety of middle school!
it’s not just boys as i am learning 😭😭😭. 5th and 6th grades are the WORST…i called my oldest the constipated elephant around that time bc all he did was stomp around and snort angrily😂😂. but so far three have made it to the other side and are (mostly) delightful.
i think one of the problems is that somehow we get the idea that after the toddler years it is just smooth sailing until 13….so NOT true. and i think it catches us by surprise bc it is NOT 13…it is 11 and 12….generally speaking of course
my new strategy with my daughter is to just not say anything…just stop taking (which is exceedingly hard for
me if you have seen any of my comments 😂😂). but it is like in the Incredibles “DO NOT ENGAGE, I REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE”
natural consequences…oh you are cold? maybe you should think about a hat next time. oh you have a HA from eating nothing but sugar all day? sucks to be you. oh you had a bad day at cheer practice bc you haven’t eaten all day? maybe you should eat….oh you can’t find your wallet for the 20000th time? maybe you should be more careful with your things…oh no, wait…that was my husband….😂😂
Oh boy yes. I have worked hard on myself to accept the garbage bin. The thought of landfills short circuits my brain, it’s too upsetting, so instead I… keep the little plastic garbage in my house? One of our school friends works for the garbage company & somehow seeing how easy going he is about it, & hearing about how they employ sorters to keep stuff in the recycling whenever possible, has helped me let go.
So many things! I don't make my kids wear pajamas, they can just take their shower at night and put on whatever they want to wear to school the next day. They can eat whatever they want for breakfast...or not eat at all. And I recently gave up on bugging my son about filling out his school reading log every day--we read every night, but having to "log" it and write thoughts about it every day was making both of us miserable.
Now that I write these out, I realize they are all morning things! That must be when I have the least patience (plus we have a deadline because the kids take the bus).
My older child hated it too, but she loves to read in general. I'm a librarian so I obviously care a lot about reading, but both of my kids reacted violently to the logs, lol.
Interesting! Tell me more? Our first-grader has weekly reading logs that ask for a daily note of title/number of minutes read. They are part of each week's packet of homework, which also includes 2-3 pages of math worksheets and one "write a story using these 5 words." I feel like the existence of the log has lent some authority to my "reading time!" announcements. But I appreciate that this could get more complicated!
I just think that it would be better for teachers to talk to families about how to engage with their kid's reading rather than assigning an extra thing for parents to manage. :(
I hear this! And we do find it challenging to complete each week—and talk about how much harder it would be if we were a single-parent family. I think the log motivates me to be more consistent about making time for reading with my kid, which is helpful. (External accountability is big for me!) But I definitely hear you and take your point.
You don't have to wear your cub scout uniform to cub scouts unless it's absolutely required for an event, even though more than half the kids and a good number of the adults there wear them every time -- for all the meetings where 5-9 year olds are just running around and adults are telling them to stop and doing the activities themselves. It doesn't affect your learning and nobody is taking pictures. It literally doesn't matter, and I'm sure not wearing one.
we don't do scouting but I wonder if we did it I'd have the same feelings I do re: church "You guys are lucky I let my little darlings near your sus org and I won't take any shit about it"
Lately I've been focused walking away from on the battle in my own head, and making it stop. Why didn't I send that email? How was my tone? Why didn't I become the doctor my dad wanted? Was my old boss right about xyz? Early days, but it is so nice.
Can someone please convince my husband of the efficacy of the approximately 9 million pounds of callico critter/sylvanian families tiny plastic we have in our house because 1) she plays with it ALONE for HOURS! and 2) his parents (mostly his dad) bought it all?
Oh Claire, it is a STORY. It basically began because his wife (my mil, grandma) has alzheimers and since covid we have reached all of the worst bits, so the toys were all part bribe to come to grandparents even when grandma wasn’t fun to be around, plus an apology for her not being able to be the kind of grandma she would have wanted to be, plus just guilt that grandma would’ve definitely spoiled her with shopping and gifts if she could remember either of those were things she liked to do. He literally bought every single possible kind they had on amazon until they ran out and I helped him find other sources he could order easily.
Oh my goodness, this both warms and breaks my heart. What a sweet grandpa. I'm so sorry for what he and your family are going through--that is some heavy lifting, for sure. Sending the best kind of internet hugs.
He is a super sweet grandpa and I adore him and he’s been an incredibly devoted husband and caregiver and this disease just totally sucks. Thank you both.
I get this. My mum has Huntington’s and her difficulty bonding with my 6year old son is so hard to see. She used be so fun and energetic and he never saw that. It kills me. But trying to be grateful she can spend some time with him. Take care xxx
I relate to this. I try SO hard not to buy plastic, I post on buy nothing before buying plastic items but Legos are something I’m fine buying new even though I realize they are a “no new plastic” loophole… sigh
So you can definitely recycle lego bricks if your area has recycling for plastic bottles. I live in Australia and we have household recycling nearly everywhere. In the scale of toys, legos are very recyclable - because each brick is only made of one type of plastic, and only plastic. Toys that are really not easily recyclable are more your polyester fabric soft toys with polyester filling, battery compartment etc, or foam based toys. Legos are also very durable - they get handed down and used for years, and don’t tend to break into tiny or lightweight pieces that get into the environment. Of all the environmental woes, lego is pretty low on my list.
this makes me feel better! The only thing is how to sanitize them all since every single Lego has been in my kids' mouths, just estimating conservatively
i’m going to go with “don’t bother.”. i am a big believer in “god made dirt and dirt don’t hurt”. humans manage to fight off most bacteria/viruses most of the time….😏. it’s good for your immune system 😂
If it makes you feel any better, Lego actually has a big effort underway to switch to exclusively bioplastics… maybe greenwashing, but still makes me sleep better lol
The other thing that weighs on me is how are we going to sanitize all these legos someday before we donate them but I'll save that for later, as a treat.
This is such a good question! Tidiness has a direct correlation to my sense of calm and for 11 years I have fought the kid chaos in our NYC apartment. Recently, I decided I can no longer care about their bedrooms. Zero fucks left to give. Now, after they're off to school in the morning, I blissfully close their doors and say "Not my problem." I still get twitchy over it once in a while, but by and large, it has been blissful to let this battle go.
i envy you. i AM you…and i cannot let it go. my son said the other week that he cleaned up the kitchen bc he looked at it and thought “mom will lose her shit if she comes home to see the kitchen like this!”. which is 1000% true. the number of spinning whirly gigs of yelling and pulling my hair out over messes i have done is embarrassing
and let’s just say I organized my kids lego by color when they were little; and i had an art bin with those 50 little compartments that i organized the playmobile parts in
my husband is like “we don’t live in a catalog!” and i’m like “oh but we should and i deserve to!”
any one else been fired by a cleaning service bc they decided they could never please you?? 😬😬😬😬😬 and yes, i mean they fired the customer…
If they ask for TV time, I just say yes. Sometimes even if they have already had some earlier in the day. Honestly, I'm a film studies professor, so who am I kidding? Let them watch.
Yup. I am a dyed-in-the-wool bibliophile (and English professor) and I want them to read ... but forcing them to read instead of watching tv will just make them resent reading. And screens aren't going anywhere, so I'm trying to make a virtue of necessity by talking about self-awareness and self-regulation. I open conversations like, "You seem a little cranky. Do you want to go outside and play soccer for a bit, so we both get a break from the tv?" I don't know if this is the best approach, it's just the one I can manage right now.
I do not purchase birthday, mother/father's day, or christmas presents for my in-laws. My husband is 100% responsible for those. My sisters and I do group gifts for our side.
I do most of the household chores and mental labour. I accept this because my husband does 100% of meals and yard work. I will give him a hug and commiserate about how he doesn't know what to make for dinner for the 400th night in a row (he does all the shopping but refuses to meal plan, child can be picky, I can be picky, he is picky but refuses to admit it). But I will not feel guilty when I, for example, did the research, conferred with friend parents, and sat online for 90 minutes last week during work hours in order to register for summer camps. And have filled out every single school form that has ever come home. Etc etc etc.
Why are we still buying Happy Meals? They're unhealthy, not enough food, and he doesn't even open the toy anymore. The toy gets donated, still in the little bag. But they make him happy. $4 in an otherwise whiny moment. Okay! We'll keep donating McDonald's toys. Maybe some child wants them.
I am happy that they are doing less plasticky things in HMs lately. James got a tiny book yesterday. Not anything we need but I'll take that over some plastic guy promoting Shazam! 2
We made a big production of our 6yo graduating to “number meals” which you can order with a milk or chocolate milk (or just a dr pepper for ME) and now no more toys, no weird box trash and she still gets her nuggs.
Re kids and stuff, 100% yes agree and also our basement is covered in Legoes and everyone got Lego for Christmas and bday this year. Tho 11yo has stopped asking for Lego so he didn’t get any.
Re clothes my middle has worn the same outfit more or less every day for the past 2 years. We sized up for this school year, luckily old navy is making the same active t and shorts. I’ve let go of worrying about how dirty is the outfit bc even tho we have a few copies of it at this point he likes th comfort aspect of day 2-4 of wearing. Whatever. He is comfortable, mostly clean and it’s fine.
I have also let go of brushing kids hair every am. I brush their curly hair after/in the bath/shower and it’s good til next bath night.
I no longer give a single shit about what time the kids get to bed on any night of the week. We can fight them for hours, or we can not fight them for hours, but they will not go to sleep until they actually go to sleep.
Every year the school sends home a helpful paper outlining what times certain ages of kids should be in bed for certain wake-up times and it's always about 3-4 hours earlier than the seven-year-old usually goes to bed.
But since she's getting straight A's, is physically healthy, isn't falling asleep in the middle of the day, and her behavior problems boil down to "talks too much in class"...she's fine?
As for the toddler, let's just say the seven-year-old nicknamed her "Cocaine Bear." Good luck getting her to sleep until she damn well wants to.
It took me so long to be able to let go of control at mealtimes. Our three year old isn't necessarily a fussy eater, it's just she doesn't really care whether it's time to eat or not.
My wife and I would get so frustrated that she'd eat a meal well one week, then the next week we served it up again, she'd act as if we just offered her the contents of her potty. We'd worry that she'd got for days without eating a full meal and that it was going to affect her growth or whatever.
But doing more research into it, we've just taken a less is more approach with regards to encouraging at mealtimes. I realised it was probably also to do with my own issues of wanting to control certain aspects of her routine. Once I realised that, and realised that if she's hungry, she'll eat - mealtimes became less of a battle.
Toddler mealtimes really pushed my buttons as well. I think there is just too much out there misleading people into thinking most little kids are adventurous happy eaters. And it's just such a pain with the extra effort and the stakes can seem so high. It's def a place where I was like well, my dinners are not as fancy/comprehensive as my mom's were--that's OK.
That’s so true - don’t get me wrong, I like a little bit of meal inspiration from social media every now and again. But the pressure that I’ve felt under to be cooking all kinds of exotic and fancy meals every day for my toddler has been too much sometimes.
Giving myself permission to let all that go was so important for our wellbeing - there’s enough guilt-bullets hitting us every day as parents, so this was one I was very happy to dodge.
I've given up on cooking for myself and my husband. By the time the littles are fed & in bed, I don't have the bandwidth to think about what we should eat, much less cook. We each fend for ourselves and make it work. It's been freeing.
I have noticed this too about having enough building toys in the house. Frequently I will find the 5 year old quietly sticking things together from his plastic stashes of blocks, etc, while the rest of the house reads or cooks or whatever. Buys us all some peace and independence. Here for the (selective) crap! And dream of a giant bonfire one day 😅 lol that Dorothy gif 👏 And/but I have re-dedicated myself to weaning some of the incredible abundance that comes into the house from others. Thanks for the thought but no thanks on the responsibility!
This isn't a 'green' solution but I also just give myself a certain amount of leeway on just throwing away the tiny pieces of giveaway crap that come home from school parties etc. There is nowhere to put them, no way to use them, no where to donate them. Just little guilt bombs.
Omg totally. The worst part is the grace period I inherently give the dumb little things. “Okay, he can keep the little self-stamping koala thingy if he’ll use it.” Does he? Almost never. Find it three weeks later amid the piles of other “in cases.” Forks in eyes. 😑
I have these giant plastic jars/tubs that used to hold enormous quantities of pretzels or cheese balls or animal crackers or something, and I keep all those tchotchkes in there. When one is full, it goes to goodwill and we start another. Maybe some poor underpaid schoolteacher can use them as classroom surprises, or they will look like priceless treasures to a kid being dragged to goodwill with his mom (to whom I will owe an apology).
Mar 17, 2023·edited Mar 17, 2023Liked by Claire Zulkey
Thank you for this! A teacher at my kids' school holds auctions where kids can bid on "prizes" using the points they've earned for behavior, etc. She periodically does a call for preloved trash that 5th and 6th graders might find valuable, and this seems like a perfect job for a tub of nonsense.
So great! I always eye those big tubs when we finish the (unnecessary amount of) animal crackers, thinking it will be useful but not knowing how to use it. Solved! Thank you
Putting clothes away. There are so many skills my child has been diligently working on successfully, clean laundry being put away falls under the "nice to have" but not a necessity. And I'm not doing it for him. And the world will keep spinning. Note: sweaty/dirty/gross clothes is another story. In the hamper or in the wash, kid!
This is a great list. I don't have one that I've walked away from. It's more like, I walk away from ALL OF IT, especially some weekday evenings. LOL. Screens, mess, eating gummy bears? LALALALA.
Sending you best wishes! God what a trying time. There are so many low key threats that if you mess up just once they'll have like bathroom issues for life.
Mar 17, 2023·edited Mar 17, 2023Liked by Claire Zulkey
Yes! Who knew that teaching someone to poop and pee in the toilet could have such a profound effect on their little souls? (I say this with a bit of sarcasm because is it really that impactful? Who knows anymore!)
i will just also give support to the idea that you can train your kid as early as you want to. all this “wait until they tell you they are ready stuff”🤯. my boys would probably still have me changing their diapers as teens. we teach them to do lots of other things because it is just time. i just think our culture has gotten too “ahh i’m going to ruin my kid if i do this but i also might ruin them if i do the opposite”. it has paralyzed us. kids are more resilient than we think. try to do whatever it is with love and minimal judgement and whatever decision you make will be fine… i was like, nope, this is for me. i’m done with diapers. and then i just let them run all over the neighborhood with no pants on 😂😂. but all those parenting books that say accomplish this or that in 3 days are bullshit. i am a pediatrician. all that crap is someone’s opinion and is trying to sell books….just sayin’ there is no one perfect “right” way to do any of this….
I have given up the fight on what defines a breakfast food. Ritz crackers? Goldfish? Pair it with fruit and it's not THAT different from cereal.... right??
OMG if my kid asks for a meatball or cold pizza for breakfast, whatever. It's food that needs to be eaten!
My youngest lives for spaghetti and meatballs leftovers for breakfast. My current breakfast mantra is please children eat something. An Oreo? Ok. Could you also have some cheese?
Breakfast is my favorite meal because there are no rules!!
It's not different; it's just branding.
This is me with dinner! Ok you want banana and peanut butter and a side of blackberries (literally my five year olds dinner last night) Sure why not let’s go!
This. Because truthfull what is the difference between pancakes with syrup and a cookie or a piece of pie?
I gave up on trying to get my inlaws to like me!! It's been very freeing. I'm a bit unconventional for their taste and I used to try so hard for their approval. Having kids was the point when I was like - I don't really care what your opinion is here because I'm doing this our way - my kids are 6 and 3 now, and they don't really question our methods anymore and really enjoy having our kids over, so I feel like just leaning info my confidence helped with that. It also helped me let go of the fact that they let them stay up until like 10 or 11 and watch soooooo much screens when the kids sleepover. They are small nightmares after, but that's my husband's problem LOL not my parents, not my problem!
I asked my mom once if I was mean for not getting my in laws birthday/Xmas gifts. She pointed out that my husband does get her and my dad gifts, so...
I feel you so hard on this. I still find it hard to be around my in-laws (they... don't... talk to me?) but I just go do something else and try not to get too mad when they're being especially challenging. My only concern is that my kid will start to pick up on the fact that I very quietly absent myself around his grandparents... but I've got a few years before he gets there, if he ever even does!
Well if he does get there is it such a bad thing to learn that relationships are super complicated? And sometimes a little bit of distance is better than a lotta bad drama. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
One more: my parents being annoyed that I don't call them more. I've just decided to let it go. I have twins and a full-time job. They are retired. The phone works two ways!
The phone works two ways!!!! Retired people!!
They always say "we know you're busy, so we don't want to bother you by calling." Then why are you bothering me about NOT calling?!
I could have written this myself! PREACH
I'm really relieved other people feel this way!
Agree 100% - you can't be responsible for how everyone else feels. It's a crushing burden that does no good.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS sing it sister
UGH! Right?
OMG THIS!
the worst.
One more thing! I want an inverse thread! What hill(s) are you dying on? lollollol
I am screengrabbing this for a future thread. I would say my main one for now is wash your butthole properly when you bathe.
I have teenagers - it's really all a different form of "help your parents when asked". Hygiene is up there too... but as teens, they waste towels/water/use all the good shampoo so it's more of a SAVE WATER. THE REST OF THE TOWN WILL NEED SOME.
Deoderant. Every morning.
Yes!!
Yes i would like this inverse thread!
I give zero fucks about screen time guidelines except for shutting everything down at what I consider a reasonable time (11PM for the teen) on school nights. My 11 year old self-polices this very well so I'm not worried about him yet, but the teen needs hard boundaries (thank you Apple Family settings.) The time I probably spent talking on the phone with friends, watching must see tv, and reading Star Hits magazine would now be done on a phone or tablet. The only time I restrict access or shut things down earlier is when grades fall below a C.
I also let the kids be sort of pigs with their rooms as far as toys/clutter/clothes. Just no food and no scope creep into the main living areas. If they are clean, on time, and can find stuff with whatever system they have in their minds, I don't get involved. And Witches, the best possible threat you can make to a teenager is "I'm going to clean your room while you are at school/practice/otherwise out of the house."
I am going to copy this for a One Witchy Thing--brilliant.
I also ignore the rooms by and large until the cleaning ladies come and then I low key guilt them about if you don't clean up the team can't do their job. I am very lucky that my kids don't smell too much yet. I know it's just a matter of time though.
Love this
I could not give one last fuck about what my kids wear. As long as it's cleanish and you're dressed mildly appropriately for the weather, bye bye. I use to fight with my youngest kid EVERY SINGLE MORNING about clothes/not having anything clean to wear because she is very sensitive to fabrics and fit, and only likes to wear one specific style of baselayer pants (i wont even get into the threadbare hand me down undies.... we're down to 4 and not for long). And we only have 3 pairs of these pants.
So guess what? Now I make sure to do a load of laundry on Sunday and a load on Wednesday night and we are good for the week. Some of them are patched (I LOVE YOU NOSO PATCHES), all of them are stained. Do I care? Actually, yes. Do I fight about it anymore? No.
I also will let her wear whatever she wants as long as it is reasonably clean and also clothing. Thank goodness for her school requiring uniforms!!!! Although, the shirts are button up polos and she hates buttons, so for kindergarten I cut all the buttons off and stitched some of the buttonholes closed (I am a quilter, so all of these tools are easy to access in my house). This year for first grade, she is very INTO buttons and refuses to wear the one polo shirt that I lost one of the buttons to (because I ripped the stitching that closed the shirts out and sewed buttons back on to all the polos that still fit her). I sound insane. I should have just bought new clothes.
I feel like "I sound insane" is the mantra that I come back to every time I try to explain the negotiations that I somehow get embroiled in with my kids.
me, realizing I am coming out big time behind with my byzantine Pokemon card reward system for household chores. For awhile the bed was made as long as I kept him in cards. Then I realized I'd rather just have him not make his dumb little bed and stop passing out these cards that he already has 80 million of.
Truly the song of my people (parents of young children)
Oh my gosh, I didn't know about Noso Patches, and you have just solved an ongoing conundrum in my household! Thank you so much
Yes! They are fantastic
I used to rip my hair out every time we attempted to get everyone out of the house on time. It's the subject of one of my recent poems. But I'm slowly learning to breathe and deal with the chaos as calmly as possible.
WILL WE EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE?
Surely the greatest test parents face,
Is to leave the house on time.
You dream of all the family members,
Standing by the door in one neat line.
Ready to step across the threshold,
Is there a chance we could leave early?
But as the clock starts ticking,
The atmosphere turns surly.
And it’s as if all this is new,
Have we never tried this thing before?
Put on our coats, laced up our shoes,
Explored the world outside our door?
The same chaotic ritual,
Begins to play out all over again,
As I shout angrily up the stairs:
“We have to leave at half past ten!”
“You’re wearing odd socks. Your jumper’s inside out.”
“And where’s your other shoe?”
“Quick. Go and find it in the car.”
“No, you don’t have time to use the loo!”
“We need to leave. We’ll miss the train.”
“This dawdling has to end.”
“Where’s your Zipcard? In your coat?”
“What do you mean you lent it to your friend?”
“Has anybody made sandwiches?”
“Where did you put the cheese?”
“Wait. You can’t go out wearing shorts like that,”
“You’ll absolutely freeze.”
Our deadline passes. We’ll catch the next one.
“But please no more lengthy preparations.”
We start to blame each other,
There are tears, recriminations.
Finally, we’re ready,
But now I can’t find my phone.
And my charger, my bank card, my glasses.
“You know what? Let’s just stay at home.”
This is beautiful.
Me (in my head) to my kids every morning: ARE YOU NEW HERE?!
This is not an issue anymore, but when my kid was 2 (he is now 8) he went through a phase where he REFUSED to change out of his pajama top in the morning. Changing into pants was fine, but changing the shirt? Not happening. And one day my husband and I looked at each other and just…shrugged. It was still a shirt, right? So we left him in his previous night’s PJ shirt every day (he was OK changing into PJs at night). When he started preschool he accepted “daytime” shirts again, and now at 8 it is soccer jersey or bust.
I'm on the verge of allowing our younger son to be late for school one of these days of his own accord. I think he thinks we make him get his shoes and coat on at a certain time each day just to be jerks to him.
My almost-3-yo has started doing this recently! I can’t believe I’m not alone! Why must the shirt not be changed but the bottoms can be? Genuinely wish I could gain some insight into their brains.
Less laundry! My youngest rocked the pj shirt as clothes for years. He started to want to change in kinder but still loves to have some pj all day days on weekends
My kid is a big fan of coming home from school and going straight into PJs and you know what? Strong life choice.
No occasion-specific gifts for anyone outside our immediate family.
No birthday parties until my kid can actually ask for one himself, unprompted.
No more parenting influencer accounts.
I thought I was the only witchy mom who doesn’t throw her kids birthday parties! My oldest is 5 and since kindergarten is basically an endless hell of weekend mornings eaten up by birthday parties I’m sure this will be the year he begs for one and we finally cave. But since the beginning it’s just been cake and presents with family at home. I’m not planning an event and inviting strangers to my house if I don’t have to.
Small talk at kids' birthday parties is some of the most painful small talk to eke out.
Emily, you are home here with us. As a comedian I once saw said (who also happens to be a former special ed teacher) put it: "Fuck them kids."
I don't know when kids' birthday parties went from parents dropping off and picking up to a giant hang out. I can't focus on feeding/entertaining 12 children if I'm simultaneously feeding/entertaining 24 adults. Last year was bliss, 10th birthday was 'pick three friends and go to a place with them and have lunch there' and that seemed to make everyone happy.
I experienced a sudden conversion experience when I 100% lost my temper in the run up to my son's last birthday party, which involved 24 kids and just shy of 48 parents. The party was fine, but you know what would be an even better way to celebrate turning 7? Having a more-or-less sane mom. This fall, he can either pick 8 friends for a party (for turning 8), or we can take 2-3 friends on some kind of special outing. He will barely notice the difference, and I will chalk one up to learning lessons the hard way.
it is just unbelievable to me that adults (and so many times BOTH parents) want to come to a kids party (otherwise known as two hours of volume level 50 mayhem????
this is right up there with the parents who look at me and say “I have NEVER been away from my kids! i would just miss them so much”. and i am immediately like “well, we won’t be friends” (hopefully only in my head)
i could not believe it when people started showing up to my kids parties with BOTH parents and staying the whole time. i was like “do you people have fucking nothing else to do???”. if i could drop my kids off at someone’s house for a couple hours of blissful alone time? let’s just say i would be gone before you realized i had been there…except you would have more kids 😂😂
we had a b'day party for my kid a few weeks ago and I was worried I sounded a little too eager when I asked the other parents "So are you going to leave [smiley face] or stay [frowny face]?"
Bedtimes. My kids are 15 & 12 and get themselves up every morning. As long as they are getting out the door on time and not pulling straight Ds in school, bedtime is at their discretion in my book. We're now letting "natural consequences" of late nights do the teaching.
So here for this! We have a kindergartener who would stay up the whole night if we didn’t shovel him into bed. Cannot WAIT for a time I can say “goodnight!” as my last words instead of “did you brush your teeth? Get in your pajamas. I said get in your pajamas!!!” etc etc 🤪🤪 congrats 🥳
same. I have one kid who can do it himself more or less. the other one I worry he's going to be need to put down until he's an adult.
Hahaha. Moms coming to college…
I tie grades to bedtime as well. As for getting out the door, a big struggle I have with the oldest is that him being late makes two other people (his brother, and me) late but he doesn't see that because he's the first to be dropped off. I am gritting my teeth until next year when he will be at a closer campus and will get himself to school on foot/bike.
So feel this. I basically make everyone get in the car fifteen minutes early, so we can be “on time.” Because I’m waffly about time myself so try to “hack” the clock for both the 5 year old and me. Peace be with your gritted teeth! 😇
yep. yep. yep. amen. i have done bedtime for 18 yrs and i am losing my mind….
When do they stop needing to be put to bed??? The 11 year old does it himself mostly but the 8 year old really needs to be shepherded in there and shows no signs of developing a sense of pride over being a big kid who does it himself.
ahh well, this is definitely a bittersweet subject for me. i have been laying down with my kids for FOREVER (yes, yes, i know….shut up). i work some night shifts so i know for a fact that they CAN do this themselves. however when i am home, they want me to snuggle them. so it is like snuggle with 11 yr old, fall asleep, get woken by 14 yr old to come snuggle with him, fall asleep, get woken by 16 yr old to spend time with him…husband mad bc no time for him, me feeling 1) happy my kids still really like me 2) depleted from musical beds every night 3) guilty that someone is always feeling neglected 4) mad bc when the fuck do i get to watch Ted Lasso????
in short, don’t ask me for bedtime advice 😂
I think the pandemic really led me to lots of fewer battles “picked.” (I have teenagers so this is older kid stuff.) Screen time, junk food, homework, not wearing a hat in winter? Well... it’s not great but it’s mostly fine.
I could really use all the wisdom about this. My oldest is 11, very much a pre-teen in attitude, and I'm navigating what hills to die on, that I know I most definitely will have a better handle on by the time my subsequent kids are 11! Right now it's screen time, friends he wants to hang with that don't bring out the best, and disrespectful attitude toward us and the siblings. It's tough.
Hello from disrespectful pre-teen hell! I actually wrote in my journal the other day "Am I raising an a-hole???? AM I AN A-HOLE?" Tweens will make you question your whole life.
I have been asking that question but of a much younger child. "Am I raising a Maga 4chan incel???" Glad to hear that I can keep exercising this worry muscle in the years to come.
I used a large portion of a therapy session discussing this after one particularly disastrous outing with my family. "I DON"T LIKE ANY OF THEM RIGHT NOW! I don't even like myself! Is this my fault?"
Omg same. My biggest just turned 11
This age was such a slog with my son. We had 12-18 months of prepubescent attitude, flash-rage, and disgustingness. Then, suddenly, in a 2 week span, the switch flipped and he was human again. He showered! He was kind more often than a snarly beast! Manners returned! A lot of it is all those hormones coursing through them. And it was frustrating because you end up tippy-toeing around them trying not to elicit the rage, but then you get mad because you're the parent, dammit... Good luck.
OMG this sums up my life and concerns exactly. Being gross, frustrated that I'm trying to be understanding towards him but feeling like we're all becoming deferential. God I hope it's a 12-18 mo span, I was worried it would be the entirety of middle school!
My dad, who was not known for being delicate or subtle, used to say "boys that age can't help it. Sperm pressure. Makes them dumb a**holes."
Ha!!
Ugh, I am here, too with glimmers of tween 'tude that surprise me every time! I don't have wisdom, but SOLIDARITY!
Those are hard ones I'm scared of--much harder choices than just not brushing your teeth in the morning.
it’s not just boys as i am learning 😭😭😭. 5th and 6th grades are the WORST…i called my oldest the constipated elephant around that time bc all he did was stomp around and snort angrily😂😂. but so far three have made it to the other side and are (mostly) delightful.
i think one of the problems is that somehow we get the idea that after the toddler years it is just smooth sailing until 13….so NOT true. and i think it catches us by surprise bc it is NOT 13…it is 11 and 12….generally speaking of course
my new strategy with my daughter is to just not say anything…just stop taking (which is exceedingly hard for
me if you have seen any of my comments 😂😂). but it is like in the Incredibles “DO NOT ENGAGE, I REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE”
natural consequences…oh you are cold? maybe you should think about a hat next time. oh you have a HA from eating nothing but sugar all day? sucks to be you. oh you had a bad day at cheer practice bc you haven’t eaten all day? maybe you should eat….oh you can’t find your wallet for the 20000th time? maybe you should be more careful with your things…oh no, wait…that was my husband….😂😂
Oh boy yes. I have worked hard on myself to accept the garbage bin. The thought of landfills short circuits my brain, it’s too upsetting, so instead I… keep the little plastic garbage in my house? One of our school friends works for the garbage company & somehow seeing how easy going he is about it, & hearing about how they employ sorters to keep stuff in the recycling whenever possible, has helped me let go.
So many things! I don't make my kids wear pajamas, they can just take their shower at night and put on whatever they want to wear to school the next day. They can eat whatever they want for breakfast...or not eat at all. And I recently gave up on bugging my son about filling out his school reading log every day--we read every night, but having to "log" it and write thoughts about it every day was making both of us miserable.
Now that I write these out, I realize they are all morning things! That must be when I have the least patience (plus we have a deadline because the kids take the bus).
I am a teacher, and I cringe so hard when colleagues have reading logs in their classrooms. Terrible practice.
My older child hated it too, but she loves to read in general. I'm a librarian so I obviously care a lot about reading, but both of my kids reacted violently to the logs, lol.
Reading is amazing. Logging is awful.
Interesting! Tell me more? Our first-grader has weekly reading logs that ask for a daily note of title/number of minutes read. They are part of each week's packet of homework, which also includes 2-3 pages of math worksheets and one "write a story using these 5 words." I feel like the existence of the log has lent some authority to my "reading time!" announcements. But I appreciate that this could get more complicated!
I am also just anti-homework in general. :)
I have two children. My younger teen has learning differences. The other one is a high-aptitude reader. The logs were awful for both. Busywork.
it's very much like a Fitbit where you think fuck, I walked/read and forgot to keep track? And for what???
I just think that it would be better for teachers to talk to families about how to engage with their kid's reading rather than assigning an extra thing for parents to manage. :(
I hear this! And we do find it challenging to complete each week—and talk about how much harder it would be if we were a single-parent family. I think the log motivates me to be more consistent about making time for reading with my kid, which is helpful. (External accountability is big for me!) But I definitely hear you and take your point.
Especially for the students with learning disabilities - another reminder of inadequacy
I mean let's be honest some days my entire life feels like a concession to how I would actually like things to go.
I tell myself "Sometimes you just gotta take an L."
Same. Hard same.
You don't have to wear your cub scout uniform to cub scouts unless it's absolutely required for an event, even though more than half the kids and a good number of the adults there wear them every time -- for all the meetings where 5-9 year olds are just running around and adults are telling them to stop and doing the activities themselves. It doesn't affect your learning and nobody is taking pictures. It literally doesn't matter, and I'm sure not wearing one.
we don't do scouting but I wonder if we did it I'd have the same feelings I do re: church "You guys are lucky I let my little darlings near your sus org and I won't take any shit about it"
Lately I've been focused walking away from on the battle in my own head, and making it stop. Why didn't I send that email? How was my tone? Why didn't I become the doctor my dad wanted? Was my old boss right about xyz? Early days, but it is so nice.
Can someone please convince my husband of the efficacy of the approximately 9 million pounds of callico critter/sylvanian families tiny plastic we have in our house because 1) she plays with it ALONE for HOURS! and 2) his parents (mostly his dad) bought it all?
That little detail at the end about his dad buying them is so dear.
Oh Claire, it is a STORY. It basically began because his wife (my mil, grandma) has alzheimers and since covid we have reached all of the worst bits, so the toys were all part bribe to come to grandparents even when grandma wasn’t fun to be around, plus an apology for her not being able to be the kind of grandma she would have wanted to be, plus just guilt that grandma would’ve definitely spoiled her with shopping and gifts if she could remember either of those were things she liked to do. He literally bought every single possible kind they had on amazon until they ran out and I helped him find other sources he could order easily.
Oh my goodness, this both warms and breaks my heart. What a sweet grandpa. I'm so sorry for what he and your family are going through--that is some heavy lifting, for sure. Sending the best kind of internet hugs.
Exactly what Kasey said. This wouldn't be as poignant with any other toy. Shopkins or Pokemon, no. But Calico Critters?? 🥹🥹
He is a super sweet grandpa and I adore him and he’s been an incredibly devoted husband and caregiver and this disease just totally sucks. Thank you both.
Feeling for you. xxx
I get this. My mum has Huntington’s and her difficulty bonding with my 6year old son is so hard to see. She used be so fun and energetic and he never saw that. It kills me. But trying to be grateful she can spend some time with him. Take care xxx
You too! It super sucks that everyone misses out on the good bits due to stupid terrible diseases.
my dad is dying of Parkinson’s. same. i hate that this is the way my kids will remember him. such cruel diseases…
I relate to this. I try SO hard not to buy plastic, I post on buy nothing before buying plastic items but Legos are something I’m fine buying new even though I realize they are a “no new plastic” loophole… sigh
So you can definitely recycle lego bricks if your area has recycling for plastic bottles. I live in Australia and we have household recycling nearly everywhere. In the scale of toys, legos are very recyclable - because each brick is only made of one type of plastic, and only plastic. Toys that are really not easily recyclable are more your polyester fabric soft toys with polyester filling, battery compartment etc, or foam based toys. Legos are also very durable - they get handed down and used for years, and don’t tend to break into tiny or lightweight pieces that get into the environment. Of all the environmental woes, lego is pretty low on my list.
this makes me feel better! The only thing is how to sanitize them all since every single Lego has been in my kids' mouths, just estimating conservatively
i’m going to go with “don’t bother.”. i am a big believer in “god made dirt and dirt don’t hurt”. humans manage to fight off most bacteria/viruses most of the time….😏. it’s good for your immune system 😂
If it makes you feel any better, Lego actually has a big effort underway to switch to exclusively bioplastics… maybe greenwashing, but still makes me sleep better lol
I'll take it!
The other thing that weighs on me is how are we going to sanitize all these legos someday before we donate them but I'll save that for later, as a treat.
https://www.lightailing.com/blogs/news/ways-to-clean-legos
Fortunately, there are enough lego obsessives out there that most of the research has been done for us. (Nickname used with affection!)
During the pandemic my friend Wendy called that system "knocking the covids off"
This is such a good question! Tidiness has a direct correlation to my sense of calm and for 11 years I have fought the kid chaos in our NYC apartment. Recently, I decided I can no longer care about their bedrooms. Zero fucks left to give. Now, after they're off to school in the morning, I blissfully close their doors and say "Not my problem." I still get twitchy over it once in a while, but by and large, it has been blissful to let this battle go.
i envy you. i AM you…and i cannot let it go. my son said the other week that he cleaned up the kitchen bc he looked at it and thought “mom will lose her shit if she comes home to see the kitchen like this!”. which is 1000% true. the number of spinning whirly gigs of yelling and pulling my hair out over messes i have done is embarrassing
and let’s just say I organized my kids lego by color when they were little; and i had an art bin with those 50 little compartments that i organized the playmobile parts in
my husband is like “we don’t live in a catalog!” and i’m like “oh but we should and i deserve to!”
any one else been fired by a cleaning service bc they decided they could never please you?? 😬😬😬😬😬 and yes, i mean they fired the customer…
i guess i’m saying clean and neat house is my hill to die on…
If they ask for TV time, I just say yes. Sometimes even if they have already had some earlier in the day. Honestly, I'm a film studies professor, so who am I kidding? Let them watch.
Yup. I am a dyed-in-the-wool bibliophile (and English professor) and I want them to read ... but forcing them to read instead of watching tv will just make them resent reading. And screens aren't going anywhere, so I'm trying to make a virtue of necessity by talking about self-awareness and self-regulation. I open conversations like, "You seem a little cranky. Do you want to go outside and play soccer for a bit, so we both get a break from the tv?" I don't know if this is the best approach, it's just the one I can manage right now.
I do not purchase birthday, mother/father's day, or christmas presents for my in-laws. My husband is 100% responsible for those. My sisters and I do group gifts for our side.
I do most of the household chores and mental labour. I accept this because my husband does 100% of meals and yard work. I will give him a hug and commiserate about how he doesn't know what to make for dinner for the 400th night in a row (he does all the shopping but refuses to meal plan, child can be picky, I can be picky, he is picky but refuses to admit it). But I will not feel guilty when I, for example, did the research, conferred with friend parents, and sat online for 90 minutes last week during work hours in order to register for summer camps. And have filled out every single school form that has ever come home. Etc etc etc.
Why are we still buying Happy Meals? They're unhealthy, not enough food, and he doesn't even open the toy anymore. The toy gets donated, still in the little bag. But they make him happy. $4 in an otherwise whiny moment. Okay! We'll keep donating McDonald's toys. Maybe some child wants them.
I am happy that they are doing less plasticky things in HMs lately. James got a tiny book yesterday. Not anything we need but I'll take that over some plastic guy promoting Shazam! 2
We made a big production of our 6yo graduating to “number meals” which you can order with a milk or chocolate milk (or just a dr pepper for ME) and now no more toys, no weird box trash and she still gets her nuggs.
Re kids and stuff, 100% yes agree and also our basement is covered in Legoes and everyone got Lego for Christmas and bday this year. Tho 11yo has stopped asking for Lego so he didn’t get any.
Re clothes my middle has worn the same outfit more or less every day for the past 2 years. We sized up for this school year, luckily old navy is making the same active t and shorts. I’ve let go of worrying about how dirty is the outfit bc even tho we have a few copies of it at this point he likes th comfort aspect of day 2-4 of wearing. Whatever. He is comfortable, mostly clean and it’s fine.
I have also let go of brushing kids hair every am. I brush their curly hair after/in the bath/shower and it’s good til next bath night.
I no longer give a single shit about what time the kids get to bed on any night of the week. We can fight them for hours, or we can not fight them for hours, but they will not go to sleep until they actually go to sleep.
Every year the school sends home a helpful paper outlining what times certain ages of kids should be in bed for certain wake-up times and it's always about 3-4 hours earlier than the seven-year-old usually goes to bed.
But since she's getting straight A's, is physically healthy, isn't falling asleep in the middle of the day, and her behavior problems boil down to "talks too much in class"...she's fine?
As for the toddler, let's just say the seven-year-old nicknamed her "Cocaine Bear." Good luck getting her to sleep until she damn well wants to.
Bwahhaahaa "Cocaine Bear" is the PERFECT nickname for a toddler!
LOVE it. particularly that helpful little bit of guilt doled out by the school.
It took me so long to be able to let go of control at mealtimes. Our three year old isn't necessarily a fussy eater, it's just she doesn't really care whether it's time to eat or not.
My wife and I would get so frustrated that she'd eat a meal well one week, then the next week we served it up again, she'd act as if we just offered her the contents of her potty. We'd worry that she'd got for days without eating a full meal and that it was going to affect her growth or whatever.
But doing more research into it, we've just taken a less is more approach with regards to encouraging at mealtimes. I realised it was probably also to do with my own issues of wanting to control certain aspects of her routine. Once I realised that, and realised that if she's hungry, she'll eat - mealtimes became less of a battle.
Toddler mealtimes really pushed my buttons as well. I think there is just too much out there misleading people into thinking most little kids are adventurous happy eaters. And it's just such a pain with the extra effort and the stakes can seem so high. It's def a place where I was like well, my dinners are not as fancy/comprehensive as my mom's were--that's OK.
That’s so true - don’t get me wrong, I like a little bit of meal inspiration from social media every now and again. But the pressure that I’ve felt under to be cooking all kinds of exotic and fancy meals every day for my toddler has been too much sometimes.
Giving myself permission to let all that go was so important for our wellbeing - there’s enough guilt-bullets hitting us every day as parents, so this was one I was very happy to dodge.
I've given up on cooking for myself and my husband. By the time the littles are fed & in bed, I don't have the bandwidth to think about what we should eat, much less cook. We each fend for ourselves and make it work. It's been freeing.
I have noticed this too about having enough building toys in the house. Frequently I will find the 5 year old quietly sticking things together from his plastic stashes of blocks, etc, while the rest of the house reads or cooks or whatever. Buys us all some peace and independence. Here for the (selective) crap! And dream of a giant bonfire one day 😅 lol that Dorothy gif 👏 And/but I have re-dedicated myself to weaning some of the incredible abundance that comes into the house from others. Thanks for the thought but no thanks on the responsibility!
This isn't a 'green' solution but I also just give myself a certain amount of leeway on just throwing away the tiny pieces of giveaway crap that come home from school parties etc. There is nowhere to put them, no way to use them, no where to donate them. Just little guilt bombs.
Omg totally. The worst part is the grace period I inherently give the dumb little things. “Okay, he can keep the little self-stamping koala thingy if he’ll use it.” Does he? Almost never. Find it three weeks later amid the piles of other “in cases.” Forks in eyes. 😑
I have these giant plastic jars/tubs that used to hold enormous quantities of pretzels or cheese balls or animal crackers or something, and I keep all those tchotchkes in there. When one is full, it goes to goodwill and we start another. Maybe some poor underpaid schoolteacher can use them as classroom surprises, or they will look like priceless treasures to a kid being dragged to goodwill with his mom (to whom I will owe an apology).
Thank you for this! A teacher at my kids' school holds auctions where kids can bid on "prizes" using the points they've earned for behavior, etc. She periodically does a call for preloved trash that 5th and 6th graders might find valuable, and this seems like a perfect job for a tub of nonsense.
this is genius!
Tub of Nonsense...feel like every beloved possession in the house, including my own, should be called this :) great call
So great! I always eye those big tubs when we finish the (unnecessary amount of) animal crackers, thinking it will be useful but not knowing how to use it. Solved! Thank you
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Putting clothes away. There are so many skills my child has been diligently working on successfully, clean laundry being put away falls under the "nice to have" but not a necessity. And I'm not doing it for him. And the world will keep spinning. Note: sweaty/dirty/gross clothes is another story. In the hamper or in the wash, kid!
This is a great list. I don't have one that I've walked away from. It's more like, I walk away from ALL OF IT, especially some weekday evenings. LOL. Screens, mess, eating gummy bears? LALALALA.
Then, I try to regroup.
it should be illegal to tell parents you can fully potty train in less than a year. If you do it shorter than that, wow what a miracle.
We started potty training on Saturday and it has been miserable! No tips, just solidarity!
Sending you best wishes! God what a trying time. There are so many low key threats that if you mess up just once they'll have like bathroom issues for life.
Yes! Who knew that teaching someone to poop and pee in the toilet could have such a profound effect on their little souls? (I say this with a bit of sarcasm because is it really that impactful? Who knows anymore!)
Excellent self care. It’s ok to not be potty trained before 3. They will get there. Your and their peace is more important.
i will just also give support to the idea that you can train your kid as early as you want to. all this “wait until they tell you they are ready stuff”🤯. my boys would probably still have me changing their diapers as teens. we teach them to do lots of other things because it is just time. i just think our culture has gotten too “ahh i’m going to ruin my kid if i do this but i also might ruin them if i do the opposite”. it has paralyzed us. kids are more resilient than we think. try to do whatever it is with love and minimal judgement and whatever decision you make will be fine… i was like, nope, this is for me. i’m done with diapers. and then i just let them run all over the neighborhood with no pants on 😂😂. but all those parenting books that say accomplish this or that in 3 days are bullshit. i am a pediatrician. all that crap is someone’s opinion and is trying to sell books….just sayin’ there is no one perfect “right” way to do any of this….