Ugh, fuck this. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Like many things in the EW newsletter, this one made me cry in recognition. My ex-husband (he, the asshole who left the day of the stay-at-home order to continue his affair) and his even shittier mother have taken the opportunity of the 48 hours each week they see my kids to HARANGUE then about their table manners. They're six and an extremely scattered 11, living through a divorce and a pandemic. While I don't let them eat with their feet, I could frankly give a shit about proper knife-and-fork action right now. But the kids come home with these teary stories about how Grandma (a woman who frequently has food fall out of her mouth whilst talking) or Dad yelled at them about reaching across the table, or sitting perfectly in the chair.
And while they feel criticism, I do, too. It makes me feel like there are three adults who, for two days a week, tell each other and my children that I'm doing a shitty job. That I'm the bad parent. But I'm the one who stayed. I'm the parent who makes all the fucking meals herself while teaching and working and cleaning and washing masks and praying that it's all going to be okay.
I'd kill for an older person to tell me that I'm doing a good job. Because I am and just need some atta-girls.
Atta-girl!!!!! Priorities, you have yours, they have theirs. A response I use often with my spouse when he gets into s tizzy, "So how are YOU going to do to address this?" what bothers them their freaking problem. I know it's hard seeing them come home upset, but their relationship with their father and his family is NOT your responsibility. Unless there is abuse or other egregious behaviors, you have to stay out of it. Children are smart, they know what up, they can smell BS from a mile away. If they are calling you a bad mom, yet they are receiving love, care, and positive reinforcement from you, in the long run, who do you think they will LIKE and TRUST more? Also, something to ponder: you are receiving criticism from the "man" who had an affair and left his children's during a pandemic, and the woman who raised him. How much value are they really contributing to your life?
FILTERS! Filters are not only great for online shopping and cleaning air, but for people too. People in my life, who I love with my whole heart, generally fall into three categories: The Assenters, Dissenters, and Descerners. The Assenters and Dissenters are great for the get-together, funny phone conversations, text threads, good-natured arguments, bitch sessions, and the like, while the Discerners are there to help with the processing of life. The key is to filter and identify who they are. Unfortunately, finding that ones we want or maybe feel are supposed to be Discerners (parents, siblings, long known friends) are indeed not can be a great disappointment. However, that is not a reflection of the level of love and care they have for you, but rather a simple result of chemistry. There are people who are just "your" people. Humans have a habit of seeking comfort from those who are not capable of providing, then take on the burden of blame, sadness, and other negative feelings when things don't work out. Being discerning about yourself, knowing what you need, and finding the people who seek to understand you and challenge you constructively is really the key. It's an arduous process, but once you find those people, they are worth their weight in gold.
I was ready to punch Miss Manners after reading "If the parents are modeling this, then over time they should learn, from their parents, the correct way to hold a knife and fork" ?!? So basically crying tears of joy at her email.
Ugh, fuck this. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Like many things in the EW newsletter, this one made me cry in recognition. My ex-husband (he, the asshole who left the day of the stay-at-home order to continue his affair) and his even shittier mother have taken the opportunity of the 48 hours each week they see my kids to HARANGUE then about their table manners. They're six and an extremely scattered 11, living through a divorce and a pandemic. While I don't let them eat with their feet, I could frankly give a shit about proper knife-and-fork action right now. But the kids come home with these teary stories about how Grandma (a woman who frequently has food fall out of her mouth whilst talking) or Dad yelled at them about reaching across the table, or sitting perfectly in the chair.
And while they feel criticism, I do, too. It makes me feel like there are three adults who, for two days a week, tell each other and my children that I'm doing a shitty job. That I'm the bad parent. But I'm the one who stayed. I'm the parent who makes all the fucking meals herself while teaching and working and cleaning and washing masks and praying that it's all going to be okay.
I'd kill for an older person to tell me that I'm doing a good job. Because I am and just need some atta-girls.
Charlotte, you are doing amazing. Hang in there. I'm sorry your shitty husband has such a shitty mom too. But apple, tree. Ugh.
Atta-girl!!!!! Priorities, you have yours, they have theirs. A response I use often with my spouse when he gets into s tizzy, "So how are YOU going to do to address this?" what bothers them their freaking problem. I know it's hard seeing them come home upset, but their relationship with their father and his family is NOT your responsibility. Unless there is abuse or other egregious behaviors, you have to stay out of it. Children are smart, they know what up, they can smell BS from a mile away. If they are calling you a bad mom, yet they are receiving love, care, and positive reinforcement from you, in the long run, who do you think they will LIKE and TRUST more? Also, something to ponder: you are receiving criticism from the "man" who had an affair and left his children's during a pandemic, and the woman who raised him. How much value are they really contributing to your life?
Right?? One of my favorite quotes from Justified is "That's a comment, not a solution."
This is a salient point!
FUCK THEM. I'm so sorry and you are doing a PHENOMENAL job!
FILTERS! Filters are not only great for online shopping and cleaning air, but for people too. People in my life, who I love with my whole heart, generally fall into three categories: The Assenters, Dissenters, and Descerners. The Assenters and Dissenters are great for the get-together, funny phone conversations, text threads, good-natured arguments, bitch sessions, and the like, while the Discerners are there to help with the processing of life. The key is to filter and identify who they are. Unfortunately, finding that ones we want or maybe feel are supposed to be Discerners (parents, siblings, long known friends) are indeed not can be a great disappointment. However, that is not a reflection of the level of love and care they have for you, but rather a simple result of chemistry. There are people who are just "your" people. Humans have a habit of seeking comfort from those who are not capable of providing, then take on the burden of blame, sadness, and other negative feelings when things don't work out. Being discerning about yourself, knowing what you need, and finding the people who seek to understand you and challenge you constructively is really the key. It's an arduous process, but once you find those people, they are worth their weight in gold.
In other words, I am no longer aggravated by certain people because I know not to take their advice.
(P.S. - Yes, I deleted more than once due to errors. I am the worst self-editor.)
wow this is genius! Mia, you are so wise.
No, just more seasoned. I predict by the time Paul turns 14 you'll be screaming "F'em, F 'em ALL!!!" unapologetically from your rooftop.
I was ready to punch Miss Manners after reading "If the parents are modeling this, then over time they should learn, from their parents, the correct way to hold a knife and fork" ?!? So basically crying tears of joy at her email.
Love, love, LOVE this edition! Great exchange b/t you and Miss Manners - love that she admitted to "after thoughts" about it too.
I know, right? I am glad I didn't have to cancel her.
It would be pretty awful to find out Miss Manners is a bitch ;)