I can definitely relate. I would say my daughter and I are "selectively social". Which has been a helpful framework for me to think about my relationships with people, especially other parents. It can feel sometimes that there are so many categories people put on themselves. "I'm an attachment mom," "I'm a free range mom," "I'm an ambitious work mom" etc. That I often felt forced to "find my tribe." What I have come to realize is that I do better with many loose relationships rather than a BEST friend. I remember well that moment of permission when I knew I could talk to anyone, or noone at the park and both are fine. With my kid we have conversations about initiating play "Hi, do you want to play" (shes 3) and the power of words to self advocate. But on other days we'll do our own thing and I like that too :)
I have a friend with a very sweet early teens boy who reminds me of my brother, who def marched to the beat of his own drum when he was younger. She has told me she's worried her son doesn't have many friends and I asked her if he seems worried about it and she admitted no, not really. I told her my bro was the same way--he minded his own until he started to find his people, although it took awhile to get into a bigger pond to find his people (high school.)
We move a lot, so making new friends is something we do often. I have one extroverted but highly sensitive 12yo, and one introverted 9yo, and I’m an introverted HSP and a play date for me is the kids play and I ignore them.
Sports are rarely a good fit unless it’s a true rec league, because the culture around competitive kids’ sports doesn’t match our family’s brand of clumsy weirdos, but arts programs (and arts kids) are magical. My oldest is in band and does community theater workshops, and the kids are so welcoming - theater might be scary to a shy kid, but might be approachable with a buddy.
We talk a lot about how people need different things from friendships, and it’s okay to have just one friend (my 9yo) or to have 100 (my 12yo), and when my oldest cried every afternoon the first week of 6th grade, we role played (I know! So dorky) introductions and meeting people and just recognizing when someone has friend potential - turned out he didn’t really know how to read these signs. It helped a lot, even if it was a little cringe.
Book rec, since I’m a librarian: And Then They Stopped Talking To Me by Judith Warner.
Good luck!! I basically have a handful of close friends who live in other places, and then make do with friendly relationships in person for the year or two we live somewhere. Not ideal, but could be worse.
Similar situation here in my house with my 8yo daughter. I've found the book No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls by Katie Hurley to be very helpful in a lot of ways. Just passing that along. Hugs.
When I was a shy weird kid my mum organized no playdates at all (partly because it was the 80s) and I wish she had taught me anything at all about how friendships work. (living in the US as an adult I’ve had to learn to act more extroverted) I’ve make a decent effort with my daughter setting up play dates, with not much reciprocation! I suspect because people find it exhausting also and are less in the habit of putting themselves out there after two years of COVID - definitely easier to just hang with existing friends who have kids. I like the advice to enroll your kids in the same activity tho - lower lift? Yes please.
I had good friends as a kid but went to a small school where everyone already knew everyone and struggled a little bit at a bigger intermediate (junior high I guess?) school for the first 6 months and struggled again at the beginning of high school. I’m super shy!! For me as a child the worst possible thing was talking to someone unexpectedly and not knowing what to answer.
Weirdly it has somewhat resolved itself as an adult after basically only having retail and people facing customer service jobs where you have to make small talk all day long and learnt that most people are also weird and self conscious but also that most people are super self absorbed!
I have now realised that I like to have a super friendly extrovert in my corner to do the stranger meeting for me… my mum, my husband and my best friend are all essentially the same person.
I have an 8 month old baby and I’m already pretty sure she’s going to be more extroverted like my husband and altho I know this comes with other stressors I’m a little bit releived she’s hopefully not going to be painfully shy like I was
I can definitely relate. I would say my daughter and I are "selectively social". Which has been a helpful framework for me to think about my relationships with people, especially other parents. It can feel sometimes that there are so many categories people put on themselves. "I'm an attachment mom," "I'm a free range mom," "I'm an ambitious work mom" etc. That I often felt forced to "find my tribe." What I have come to realize is that I do better with many loose relationships rather than a BEST friend. I remember well that moment of permission when I knew I could talk to anyone, or noone at the park and both are fine. With my kid we have conversations about initiating play "Hi, do you want to play" (shes 3) and the power of words to self advocate. But on other days we'll do our own thing and I like that too :)
I have a friend with a very sweet early teens boy who reminds me of my brother, who def marched to the beat of his own drum when he was younger. She has told me she's worried her son doesn't have many friends and I asked her if he seems worried about it and she admitted no, not really. I told her my bro was the same way--he minded his own until he started to find his people, although it took awhile to get into a bigger pond to find his people (high school.)
We move a lot, so making new friends is something we do often. I have one extroverted but highly sensitive 12yo, and one introverted 9yo, and I’m an introverted HSP and a play date for me is the kids play and I ignore them.
Sports are rarely a good fit unless it’s a true rec league, because the culture around competitive kids’ sports doesn’t match our family’s brand of clumsy weirdos, but arts programs (and arts kids) are magical. My oldest is in band and does community theater workshops, and the kids are so welcoming - theater might be scary to a shy kid, but might be approachable with a buddy.
We talk a lot about how people need different things from friendships, and it’s okay to have just one friend (my 9yo) or to have 100 (my 12yo), and when my oldest cried every afternoon the first week of 6th grade, we role played (I know! So dorky) introductions and meeting people and just recognizing when someone has friend potential - turned out he didn’t really know how to read these signs. It helped a lot, even if it was a little cringe.
Book rec, since I’m a librarian: And Then They Stopped Talking To Me by Judith Warner.
Good luck!! I basically have a handful of close friends who live in other places, and then make do with friendly relationships in person for the year or two we live somewhere. Not ideal, but could be worse.
Similar situation here in my house with my 8yo daughter. I've found the book No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls by Katie Hurley to be very helpful in a lot of ways. Just passing that along. Hugs.
When I was a shy weird kid my mum organized no playdates at all (partly because it was the 80s) and I wish she had taught me anything at all about how friendships work. (living in the US as an adult I’ve had to learn to act more extroverted) I’ve make a decent effort with my daughter setting up play dates, with not much reciprocation! I suspect because people find it exhausting also and are less in the habit of putting themselves out there after two years of COVID - definitely easier to just hang with existing friends who have kids. I like the advice to enroll your kids in the same activity tho - lower lift? Yes please.
I had good friends as a kid but went to a small school where everyone already knew everyone and struggled a little bit at a bigger intermediate (junior high I guess?) school for the first 6 months and struggled again at the beginning of high school. I’m super shy!! For me as a child the worst possible thing was talking to someone unexpectedly and not knowing what to answer.
Weirdly it has somewhat resolved itself as an adult after basically only having retail and people facing customer service jobs where you have to make small talk all day long and learnt that most people are also weird and self conscious but also that most people are super self absorbed!
I have now realised that I like to have a super friendly extrovert in my corner to do the stranger meeting for me… my mum, my husband and my best friend are all essentially the same person.
I have an 8 month old baby and I’m already pretty sure she’s going to be more extroverted like my husband and altho I know this comes with other stressors I’m a little bit releived she’s hopefully not going to be painfully shy like I was