Good Enough is our family motto! We actually have two family mottoes, Good Enough and Don't Panic. Pretty sure my husband came up with the family motto idea, but I have really embraced Good Enough as a way of life.
Those are great family mottos. Maybe I should do one on actually useful family mottos. My friend's mom has a great one: TSTS: Too Soon To Stress (like about upcoming holidays, etc.)
I assume many of us watched the Christmas episode of The Bear and maybe didn't relate to the extent of the family trauma, but watched the mom angrily stirring pots in the kitchen for hours and refusing help and thought OH GOD I'VE BEEN THERE. And how liberating it is to realize you can opt out of being that mom yourself! (I mean, at least once in a while)
This reminds me of my mom's story of hosting Christmas 10 days after I was born and almost strangling her mother-in-law and never actually forgiving her for her comments at that holiday.
aw man. First: I am glad you have a more controlled holiday to look forward to. Second: I see your mom. And you are a man in good standing for having awareness of your mom's struggle (and not expecting your wife to just do what your mom did because that's what moms do. )
I thought I was "not really doing anything" because I bought it all from Whole Foods pre-made. But guess what, you still have to make sure everything is heated at the right time and get a bunch of other groceries anyway and clean your serving ware. SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ME
That totally happened to me. And it has taken me years to get to know my oven, which shares an external wall. I overloaded the oven, didn't do it on time, the food took too long and some of my family was unpleasantly tipsy by the time it all came out.
I also have the same thoughts re: How my husband's entire extended family descended on our house for Thanksgiving when I had a 2yo and a 3 month old and like a) what was wrong with me but more bafflingly b) WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM
Hallelujah! I read the whole first half with my butt cheeks clenched, thinking, “I hope she cancels! There’s still time to cancel...” and you did! You reclaimed some sanity. Not easy to do, particularly at holiday time.
It is so easy to overcommit. A lot of it has to do with the martyr role that so many of us are conditioned into, but there’s also just... so much. It’s the sign of a full life! I tell myself whenever I overcommit and either cancel or push through and resent everybody. 🤦♀️
I'm trying really hard not to be mad at myself for this and feeling really sad that I gave my kids the same message I got from my mom--that mom is mad and mom is doing things that nobody appreciates and nothing can be done about it. Of course some of that can never change--that IS motherhood.
My husband was beyond thrilled. He came home and kissed me on the head and said "You deserve to be happy. I mean it."
also - just a thought - it wasn't your husband who felt he should be responsible for feeding 20 people after a ten day overseas family trip. Might wanna look at that, because when I do, I think, "men! they know some things we don't know!" And I want to learn from them.
OH MY GOD ALL OF THISSSSS. Thank you for saying that no and telling us about it. I am thinking HARD about how to handle Christmas this year -- our first since the separation, and there is so much pressure to keep it the same as always for the kids, but also that makes so much work for me ("same as always" = hosting 23 people for Christmas dinner) and... idk. I'm not sure I can bear to disappoint my kids by not doing it, but I am going to THINK about what else it could be.
yes, I encourage you, as someone who loves you, to think about what would really make a difference to your kids--you sweating about keeping everything "normal," or you being more relaxed, making a few traditions, perhaps carrying the spirit of some older ones. You don't need to be sobbing at 10 PM on Xmas Eve.
My mom noped out of going to big family holidays, but still put on a “nice” dinner for the four of us that took more work than it should have. But what holiday dinners do my sister and I still talk about as adults? The one where the power went off and we prepared literally everything on the grill and the one where we all had the flu and had canned chicken soup and ice cream. Partially because they were different but most because those were the ones where it was a full family production not the “mom show.”
I bet your boys remember frozen pizza Thanksgiving.
I love this! we had so many wonderful, really special holiday meals in my childhood (and I do really appreciate that--they meant a lot to me then and now!) but the one my sisters and I remember the best is when we were all in college and got a little drunk on Christmas Eve and ended up crying in the bathroom upstairs about our respective bad boyfriends until my dad yelled at us to come help with the dishes. such sister bonding!
(the connection here is that I'm thinking about how often we feel pressured to do things for our kids, to ***make memories*** or something--but often what they actually remember has no bearing on the little precious moments we were trying so hard to create!)
My mom did the same (with maybe like... 2 family friends coming over or certain small variations like that) so I grew up with very NICE but very calm holidays. Cut to now, when I married into a very big, VERY close family where every year the expectations is that the WHOLE family flies in for a Thanksgiving/Hanukkah extravaganza... my god I'm starting to sweat and it isn't even until next week...
I hope it turned out OK and that people more or less behaved themselves. It's funny how many articles come out every year about fighting with/avoiding fighting with relatives, as well as the "cousin walk" where everyone goes out and gets high after dinner.
My household has also invented a dinner called “i give up” dinner. It is for when everyone in the house is sick and you are the least sick and therefore responsible for food excusing or when one spouse is on a business trip and also for migraine days and it is just path of last resistance food. That could mean cereal. That could mean just getting a pizza from Fat Chris’ or just some amalgamation picky child will agree to eat in the house and also you can eat. Or whatever! But sometimes we all need an i give up dinner.
Oh my goodness I almost cheered out loud in this Starbucks when I got to the part where you canceled, and THEN the people in your life supported you in that! I am sitting here waiting for the aquarium to open with a huge goofy grin on my face!!! I love everything about this post!
I love this SO much. Thank GOD you cancelled. And I agree w your therapist, be proud of yourself for seeing the lunacy (lol but seriously) and changing your mind. That’s huge and not easy. Also the best piece of advice that I’ve received and actually listen to is this: “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” Repeat repeat repeat. Making your life easier and cutting corners when possible makes for a better life for you, and your family. But mostly I’m thinking about you.
Inspired and inspiring. Excited for you and your pjs and movies day!
I feel everything could be made easier if the central, compassionate question for family gatherings could be: How can we make this easier on ourselves? Ease is an under appreciated value/priority!
Wheeeeeewwww Claire this was exactly what I needed to read after a week dealing with sick kid and prepping the house for me to go on a work trip and buying an “art cart” (wtf?) to arrange our insane number of markers like some fucked up insta mom and anyway I love you. Your aunt is right.
Watching my mom martyr herself for stupid reasons over and over again and swearing "I will never do that!" Flash forward to me angrily ironing linen (?!) napkins at 11pm and huffily refusing my husband's help. The call is coming from inside the house.
I am planning to sit down with my husband this weekend to go over the Holiday Labor Spreadsheet and ty Claire for the inspo to unload more stuff on him and/or delete some of those rows forever!!!
I hope you do lots of strikeouts on that spreadsheet (spreadsheet!!!)
Last year we decided to leave the kids at home for our annual drive around the holiday lights displays since it always ends in arguing and frustration over who sees what first. We had so much more fun that way.
Claire, your aunt is right—that took a lot of guts. You did the right thing. I’m so glad they all took it well!
I am saving this to remind me to let go of some of the holiday crap. There is so much.
I copied this from a colleague's email last December:
"My motto at this time of year is 'That's probably good enough.'"
(you may see that in a future issue, sorry for the spoiler)
Good Enough is our family motto! We actually have two family mottoes, Good Enough and Don't Panic. Pretty sure my husband came up with the family motto idea, but I have really embraced Good Enough as a way of life.
Those are great family mottos. Maybe I should do one on actually useful family mottos. My friend's mom has a great one: TSTS: Too Soon To Stress (like about upcoming holidays, etc.)
I want to remind everyone that my grandmother actually died while ironing (she had a heart attack, and I kid you not), so perfection can be deadly.
I assume many of us watched the Christmas episode of The Bear and maybe didn't relate to the extent of the family trauma, but watched the mom angrily stirring pots in the kitchen for hours and refusing help and thought OH GOD I'VE BEEN THERE. And how liberating it is to realize you can opt out of being that mom yourself! (I mean, at least once in a while)
I also thought of The Bear reading this!
This is why NO-vember exists. Or it should. I practice saying no all month so I’m able to practice gratitude the rest of the time.
I HOSTED THANKSGIVING LESS THAN 48 HOURS AFTER HAVING MY THIRD BABY. This year we're going to Puerto Rico.
But don't worry, in my original math, the baby was going to be like ONE WEEK OLD which would have been TOTALLY FINE AND NORMAL, right?
This reminds me of my mom's story of hosting Christmas 10 days after I was born and almost strangling her mother-in-law and never actually forgiving her for her comments at that holiday.
aw man. First: I am glad you have a more controlled holiday to look forward to. Second: I see your mom. And you are a man in good standing for having awareness of your mom's struggle (and not expecting your wife to just do what your mom did because that's what moms do. )
omg!!!!!! Evie that really takes the cake. What is WRONG with us (and side note, why do people let us do this???)
I thought I was "not really doing anything" because I bought it all from Whole Foods pre-made. But guess what, you still have to make sure everything is heated at the right time and get a bunch of other groceries anyway and clean your serving ware. SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ME
That totally happened to me. And it has taken me years to get to know my oven, which shares an external wall. I overloaded the oven, didn't do it on time, the food took too long and some of my family was unpleasantly tipsy by the time it all came out.
I also have the same thoughts re: How my husband's entire extended family descended on our house for Thanksgiving when I had a 2yo and a 3 month old and like a) what was wrong with me but more bafflingly b) WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM
NO
Hallelujah! I read the whole first half with my butt cheeks clenched, thinking, “I hope she cancels! There’s still time to cancel...” and you did! You reclaimed some sanity. Not easy to do, particularly at holiday time.
It is so easy to overcommit. A lot of it has to do with the martyr role that so many of us are conditioned into, but there’s also just... so much. It’s the sign of a full life! I tell myself whenever I overcommit and either cancel or push through and resent everybody. 🤦♀️
I'm trying really hard not to be mad at myself for this and feeling really sad that I gave my kids the same message I got from my mom--that mom is mad and mom is doing things that nobody appreciates and nothing can be done about it. Of course some of that can never change--that IS motherhood.
My husband was beyond thrilled. He came home and kissed me on the head and said "You deserve to be happy. I mean it."
Again, I feel silly. but good.
also - just a thought - it wasn't your husband who felt he should be responsible for feeding 20 people after a ten day overseas family trip. Might wanna look at that, because when I do, I think, "men! they know some things we don't know!" And I want to learn from them.
That's the exact right thing to say! "He's Large!"
another "Popeye" classic song is "He Needs Me" or in this case "He Needs Me [to Be Sane]"
OH MY GOD ALL OF THISSSSS. Thank you for saying that no and telling us about it. I am thinking HARD about how to handle Christmas this year -- our first since the separation, and there is so much pressure to keep it the same as always for the kids, but also that makes so much work for me ("same as always" = hosting 23 people for Christmas dinner) and... idk. I'm not sure I can bear to disappoint my kids by not doing it, but I am going to THINK about what else it could be.
yes, I encourage you, as someone who loves you, to think about what would really make a difference to your kids--you sweating about keeping everything "normal," or you being more relaxed, making a few traditions, perhaps carrying the spirit of some older ones. You don't need to be sobbing at 10 PM on Xmas Eve.
I DO NOT. Thank you. I am pondering.
My mom noped out of going to big family holidays, but still put on a “nice” dinner for the four of us that took more work than it should have. But what holiday dinners do my sister and I still talk about as adults? The one where the power went off and we prepared literally everything on the grill and the one where we all had the flu and had canned chicken soup and ice cream. Partially because they were different but most because those were the ones where it was a full family production not the “mom show.”
I bet your boys remember frozen pizza Thanksgiving.
I was talking with friends about how COVID holidays were some of our favorites, despite It All.
I love this! we had so many wonderful, really special holiday meals in my childhood (and I do really appreciate that--they meant a lot to me then and now!) but the one my sisters and I remember the best is when we were all in college and got a little drunk on Christmas Eve and ended up crying in the bathroom upstairs about our respective bad boyfriends until my dad yelled at us to come help with the dishes. such sister bonding!
(the connection here is that I'm thinking about how often we feel pressured to do things for our kids, to ***make memories*** or something--but often what they actually remember has no bearing on the little precious moments we were trying so hard to create!)
My mom did the same (with maybe like... 2 family friends coming over or certain small variations like that) so I grew up with very NICE but very calm holidays. Cut to now, when I married into a very big, VERY close family where every year the expectations is that the WHOLE family flies in for a Thanksgiving/Hanukkah extravaganza... my god I'm starting to sweat and it isn't even until next week...
I hope it turned out OK and that people more or less behaved themselves. It's funny how many articles come out every year about fighting with/avoiding fighting with relatives, as well as the "cousin walk" where everyone goes out and gets high after dinner.
True american hero Claire!!!!
My household has also invented a dinner called “i give up” dinner. It is for when everyone in the house is sick and you are the least sick and therefore responsible for food excusing or when one spouse is on a business trip and also for migraine days and it is just path of last resistance food. That could mean cereal. That could mean just getting a pizza from Fat Chris’ or just some amalgamation picky child will agree to eat in the house and also you can eat. Or whatever! But sometimes we all need an i give up dinner.
I actually teared up at your Aunt's message! I love her! Definitely keep that post-it handy!
Oh my goodness I almost cheered out loud in this Starbucks when I got to the part where you canceled, and THEN the people in your life supported you in that! I am sitting here waiting for the aquarium to open with a huge goofy grin on my face!!! I love everything about this post!
Yes!! I was so sure there was going to be blowback, and then there was the opposite! It was the best twist ever!
I love this SO much. Thank GOD you cancelled. And I agree w your therapist, be proud of yourself for seeing the lunacy (lol but seriously) and changing your mind. That’s huge and not easy. Also the best piece of advice that I’ve received and actually listen to is this: “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” Repeat repeat repeat. Making your life easier and cutting corners when possible makes for a better life for you, and your family. But mostly I’m thinking about you.
Inspired and inspiring. Excited for you and your pjs and movies day!
I feel everything could be made easier if the central, compassionate question for family gatherings could be: How can we make this easier on ourselves? Ease is an under appreciated value/priority!
Wheeeeeewwww Claire this was exactly what I needed to read after a week dealing with sick kid and prepping the house for me to go on a work trip and buying an “art cart” (wtf?) to arrange our insane number of markers like some fucked up insta mom and anyway I love you. Your aunt is right.
Watching my mom martyr herself for stupid reasons over and over again and swearing "I will never do that!" Flash forward to me angrily ironing linen (?!) napkins at 11pm and huffily refusing my husband's help. The call is coming from inside the house.
My mom offered to iron my napkins for me one year. I said I can do it myself. She said “oh you *have* an iron?” 🔥
oh.my.god. This is triggering. SO familiar and so sharp!
Of course our generation has irons, how else did we get through the children's perler bead phase
she's such a b. i have an iron because she gave me one.
I am planning to sit down with my husband this weekend to go over the Holiday Labor Spreadsheet and ty Claire for the inspo to unload more stuff on him and/or delete some of those rows forever!!!
I hope you do lots of strikeouts on that spreadsheet (spreadsheet!!!)
Last year we decided to leave the kids at home for our annual drive around the holiday lights displays since it always ends in arguing and frustration over who sees what first. We had so much more fun that way.