This is less about teamwork, but more about the unresolved energies afoot during the death rattle stages of late patriarchy. Husbands haven’t put down their confusion around not being ‘head of household’ and struggle because they have not been ‘skilled up’ to being contributing members of domestic life.
It stinks having them around cause they think they should have a say in how everything goes... but, they weren’t ever prepared for the job. So there’s constant training and resistance to training, etc. Modern heterosexual relationships are so extra.
Mar 14, 2023·edited Mar 14, 2023Liked by Claire Zulkey
It’s often so much easier to do bedtime/dinner alone and give yourself permission to make your life easier. Like when I’m by myself I’m 100% making boxed mac n cheese or frozen pizza, letting the kids watch tv and immediately putting them to bed. When we’re all together I try harder and I’m also trying to meet my spouse’s expectations. Things like the kids should eat vegetables, we should sit at the table for dinner, or to floss the kid’s teeth. Instead if I remember to brush their teeth and they go to bed without me yelling I figure I’ve won.
I am heading toward a Mom-only weekend and there will be nachos and there will be those really good mini gummy bears from Trader Joe's. There will be a hard 8pm bedtime. There will probably be a visit to Waffle House. And no, we will not be attending the 8:30-10pm baseball practice for my 11yo, because WTF is that?! And then, I will partake in some excellent starfish sleeping in my bed alone.
I really think the reason why it is easier is because of the novelty. And there is no opportunity to "go ask Dad" when Mom says no. And they know what we like. When it's Dad-only, they get him to make kitchen destroying meals and watch all the Marvel and Star Wars garbage. When it's Mom-only, we have silent nachos with our new library books and giant fro yos for dessert. I think they love both equally, but especially not having one of us jump in with a reasonable excuse to NOT do the thing.
I’m curious about this phenomenon. I wonder how much pressure we take off ourselves at the same time as knowing that we are the only adult present so there can’t be active resentment directed towards the oblivious dude (usually it’s a dude but not always). Like are we performing some gender norm moreso when they’re around? Do we give ourselves permission to relax more aka “be a bad mom” when they aren’t around? (We aren’t being bad it’s just not holding as high of a standard?)
I’m researching how whiteness shaped mothering ideals in America for a college paper and am discovering that women are handed a lot of competing ideals - white women try to carry them all despite their incompatibility. So, for example, we want to have egalitarian partnerships and we want to practice intensive parenting. But intensive parenting is an ideal that’s mostly borne by mothers and generates conflict in the couple relationship bc it’s so heavily gendered.....
It takes so much brain space to track another human being in the house, when my spouse is at home I have to take him into consideration and make decisions I know we're in agreement about, when he's not home I can just do things my way, which is just less thinking.
On the other hand when he's gone I also have to remember how the dishwasher works, lol.
Mar 14, 2023·edited Mar 14, 2023Liked by Claire Zulkey
Yes yes yes yes. Tom has been away almost a week (typically he goes away like 2-3 days) and EVEN with a crazy sick child, it has been sooooo easy and simple and so many early bedtimes. Only hard part for me is that I am sole dog walker of our dogs who want to fetch at the beach on every walk. Tater tots for dinner, cereal for dinner, yes and yes to more shows and early bedtime. Winning! I should add that my kids are 3rd and 6th grade so very self sufficient, and I can leave them alone for dog walks and grocery trips. Sick kids and traveling husband when the kids were little is super duper hard.
This is so validating to read today. I have been solo parenting most of these past couple months while my husband takes care of his parents, who are both ailing/in end stages. So I feel very guilty that about preferring the temporary solo parenting life while he's going through something really tough, even though he honestly has a pretty Zen acceptance of it as it was not really unexpected in either case. I actually think it's better for both of us that I am just handling things at home and he has the physical and emotional space without kids to process it all (his brother is there with him also, so he's not totally alone).
That said, our eldest is 9 and our twins are 5, even a year ago I feel like it would have been a lot harder, but now I just let the screen time and snacks flow and they're fine. I think part of what's easier when he's gone is that I really work to make sure we're a united front when he is here so now I don't need to run anything through committee. And yay for remote meetings so I don't have to trudge into the city for every little thing anymore! In general it's also been a nice realization that parenting is not as physically exhausting as it was when they were younger (I know it will be more emotionally exhausting soon enough) and is even fun at times.
Also, and I feel like this is the only group I could share this with, he feels SO guilty about being gone so much lately and he shouldn't, but he does because it's definitely harder for him when I am gone as I do all the day to day shit like snacks and meals and laundry and because picking out clothes for our twins (girls) gives him extreme anxiety for whatever reason. So now I've built up all that capital, and he keeps telling me to go and take some time for myself when we get on the other side of this.
Mar 14, 2023·edited Mar 14, 2023Liked by Claire Zulkey
Just have to add that TWO nights in a row my husband has tried to face time at a time when I was putting kids to bed. First night I just missed the call completely. Last night I answered while in bed with Sam and he asked us multiple times to "just turn the lights on so I can see everyone" and thank god Sam said "DAD!!! I am half asleep, no one is turning lights on." This sums up my husband in general, he just has never been able to be "bothered" by "remembering" (yes all of these quotes are said with anger) bedtimes. Quinn said the other night "It's so nice not to hear dad say out loud - oh sorry Quinn I just have one more quarter to watch - when I really want to go to bed."
Totally agree! I think there's something to the idea that I'm juggling the moods/desires/expectations of one fewer person, so can relax a bit more. I love my husband, he's very helpful, etc., etc., but I fully admit that I have been looking forward to the fact that he's out of town on business for an evening this week.
Yes, 100% agree (now that my twins are 8)! We have a snow day at school today. Even though I don't love trying to work from home while making sure the kids are fed and entertained all day, I'm SO glad my husband still went into the office. Trying the manage all of those things while making sure the kids aren't so loud as to disturb him on calls AND also getting annoyed that even though he's home, I'm still doing 90% of the childcare, is just too much. Blah blah I love my husband but I'm happy to be solo today!
OMG thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. I have a friend whose partner travels a lot and it looks super hard for her because they have two kids, 4 and 1.5. But I just have the one, she's 3.5, and everything is easier when I'm alone with her. We get into our rhythms without being interrupted or having to explain myself and my plan - for some reason that annoys the daylights out of me - if you have a plan for the day, by all means, tell me what it is and we can do it, but if I ask, do you have a plan and you say no, then I'm going to make a plan and do it and you can come along if you want or not.
I've started trying to incorporate some of my solo habits into every day life, too, especially around food. If I get a text at 3 asking what's for dinner, I'll tell you what I want to/can make/pick up and if you don't want it, you can make other arrangements. Often I get a lukewarm response to the menu I text, but it sure gets eaten.
I've just kind of decided that if I'm not going to perform some kind of domestic perfection for social media, why would I perform it for my husband.
I genuinely enjoy the couple times a year when my husband goes away with friends because of how much less insane bedtimes and school mornings are. I also try to take my kid out for at least one mom/son outing a month or so, because the dynamic with just the two of us is so different. Not better; I still love when all three of us do certain things together. But I truly enjoy my kid's company when it's just the two of us doing something we planned out together. I find that my husband and son rile each other up on outings in a way that drives me crazy, especially in the car, and that doesn't happen minus the husband. Last week he had a half day of school and no aftercare, so I took the afternoon off (my husband could not) and took my son out to lunch, to an arcade for an hour, and to get ice cream sundaes. Most of it was his design; he had a good report card and I told him he could pick an activity and a treat. But we just had such a nice day and we always come away from it with a funny in-joke or something that we hold onto until the next outing.
Dog house here, no kids. Partners can be exhausting. Managing their moods and anticipating their wants while trying to keep a handle on your own sh*t. My husband is doing a golf trip next month. I'm so looking forward to running the house the way I want!
I couldn’t agree more. Another factor that I think plays into this is that although my husband is a good co-parent and also does a bigger share of our domestic labor, he sometimes takes a backseat to answering questions and doing all the millions of things the kids ask when I am around. It’s somehow more exhausting than when I’m on solo duty. Definitely a hot topic for us.
My (witchy) mom still talks about how it drove her crazy that my dad would get home from work just as she had us calm and reading before bed. (I do remember jumping on their bed yelling, "Daddy's home!")
This is less about teamwork, but more about the unresolved energies afoot during the death rattle stages of late patriarchy. Husbands haven’t put down their confusion around not being ‘head of household’ and struggle because they have not been ‘skilled up’ to being contributing members of domestic life.
It stinks having them around cause they think they should have a say in how everything goes... but, they weren’t ever prepared for the job. So there’s constant training and resistance to training, etc. Modern heterosexual relationships are so extra.
It’s often so much easier to do bedtime/dinner alone and give yourself permission to make your life easier. Like when I’m by myself I’m 100% making boxed mac n cheese or frozen pizza, letting the kids watch tv and immediately putting them to bed. When we’re all together I try harder and I’m also trying to meet my spouse’s expectations. Things like the kids should eat vegetables, we should sit at the table for dinner, or to floss the kid’s teeth. Instead if I remember to brush their teeth and they go to bed without me yelling I figure I’ve won.
I am heading toward a Mom-only weekend and there will be nachos and there will be those really good mini gummy bears from Trader Joe's. There will be a hard 8pm bedtime. There will probably be a visit to Waffle House. And no, we will not be attending the 8:30-10pm baseball practice for my 11yo, because WTF is that?! And then, I will partake in some excellent starfish sleeping in my bed alone.
I really think the reason why it is easier is because of the novelty. And there is no opportunity to "go ask Dad" when Mom says no. And they know what we like. When it's Dad-only, they get him to make kitchen destroying meals and watch all the Marvel and Star Wars garbage. When it's Mom-only, we have silent nachos with our new library books and giant fro yos for dessert. I think they love both equally, but especially not having one of us jump in with a reasonable excuse to NOT do the thing.
I’m curious about this phenomenon. I wonder how much pressure we take off ourselves at the same time as knowing that we are the only adult present so there can’t be active resentment directed towards the oblivious dude (usually it’s a dude but not always). Like are we performing some gender norm moreso when they’re around? Do we give ourselves permission to relax more aka “be a bad mom” when they aren’t around? (We aren’t being bad it’s just not holding as high of a standard?)
I’m researching how whiteness shaped mothering ideals in America for a college paper and am discovering that women are handed a lot of competing ideals - white women try to carry them all despite their incompatibility. So, for example, we want to have egalitarian partnerships and we want to practice intensive parenting. But intensive parenting is an ideal that’s mostly borne by mothers and generates conflict in the couple relationship bc it’s so heavily gendered.....
It takes so much brain space to track another human being in the house, when my spouse is at home I have to take him into consideration and make decisions I know we're in agreement about, when he's not home I can just do things my way, which is just less thinking.
On the other hand when he's gone I also have to remember how the dishwasher works, lol.
Yes yes yes yes. Tom has been away almost a week (typically he goes away like 2-3 days) and EVEN with a crazy sick child, it has been sooooo easy and simple and so many early bedtimes. Only hard part for me is that I am sole dog walker of our dogs who want to fetch at the beach on every walk. Tater tots for dinner, cereal for dinner, yes and yes to more shows and early bedtime. Winning! I should add that my kids are 3rd and 6th grade so very self sufficient, and I can leave them alone for dog walks and grocery trips. Sick kids and traveling husband when the kids were little is super duper hard.
This is so validating to read today. I have been solo parenting most of these past couple months while my husband takes care of his parents, who are both ailing/in end stages. So I feel very guilty that about preferring the temporary solo parenting life while he's going through something really tough, even though he honestly has a pretty Zen acceptance of it as it was not really unexpected in either case. I actually think it's better for both of us that I am just handling things at home and he has the physical and emotional space without kids to process it all (his brother is there with him also, so he's not totally alone).
That said, our eldest is 9 and our twins are 5, even a year ago I feel like it would have been a lot harder, but now I just let the screen time and snacks flow and they're fine. I think part of what's easier when he's gone is that I really work to make sure we're a united front when he is here so now I don't need to run anything through committee. And yay for remote meetings so I don't have to trudge into the city for every little thing anymore! In general it's also been a nice realization that parenting is not as physically exhausting as it was when they were younger (I know it will be more emotionally exhausting soon enough) and is even fun at times.
Also, and I feel like this is the only group I could share this with, he feels SO guilty about being gone so much lately and he shouldn't, but he does because it's definitely harder for him when I am gone as I do all the day to day shit like snacks and meals and laundry and because picking out clothes for our twins (girls) gives him extreme anxiety for whatever reason. So now I've built up all that capital, and he keeps telling me to go and take some time for myself when we get on the other side of this.
Just have to add that TWO nights in a row my husband has tried to face time at a time when I was putting kids to bed. First night I just missed the call completely. Last night I answered while in bed with Sam and he asked us multiple times to "just turn the lights on so I can see everyone" and thank god Sam said "DAD!!! I am half asleep, no one is turning lights on." This sums up my husband in general, he just has never been able to be "bothered" by "remembering" (yes all of these quotes are said with anger) bedtimes. Quinn said the other night "It's so nice not to hear dad say out loud - oh sorry Quinn I just have one more quarter to watch - when I really want to go to bed."
Totally agree! I think there's something to the idea that I'm juggling the moods/desires/expectations of one fewer person, so can relax a bit more. I love my husband, he's very helpful, etc., etc., but I fully admit that I have been looking forward to the fact that he's out of town on business for an evening this week.
Yes, 100% agree (now that my twins are 8)! We have a snow day at school today. Even though I don't love trying to work from home while making sure the kids are fed and entertained all day, I'm SO glad my husband still went into the office. Trying the manage all of those things while making sure the kids aren't so loud as to disturb him on calls AND also getting annoyed that even though he's home, I'm still doing 90% of the childcare, is just too much. Blah blah I love my husband but I'm happy to be solo today!
OMG thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. I have a friend whose partner travels a lot and it looks super hard for her because they have two kids, 4 and 1.5. But I just have the one, she's 3.5, and everything is easier when I'm alone with her. We get into our rhythms without being interrupted or having to explain myself and my plan - for some reason that annoys the daylights out of me - if you have a plan for the day, by all means, tell me what it is and we can do it, but if I ask, do you have a plan and you say no, then I'm going to make a plan and do it and you can come along if you want or not.
I've started trying to incorporate some of my solo habits into every day life, too, especially around food. If I get a text at 3 asking what's for dinner, I'll tell you what I want to/can make/pick up and if you don't want it, you can make other arrangements. Often I get a lukewarm response to the menu I text, but it sure gets eaten.
I've just kind of decided that if I'm not going to perform some kind of domestic perfection for social media, why would I perform it for my husband.
Yep- such a timely post! Another Amy here whose husband is away… having a ball managing things (by the seat of my pants) 💪🏼😁
I genuinely enjoy the couple times a year when my husband goes away with friends because of how much less insane bedtimes and school mornings are. I also try to take my kid out for at least one mom/son outing a month or so, because the dynamic with just the two of us is so different. Not better; I still love when all three of us do certain things together. But I truly enjoy my kid's company when it's just the two of us doing something we planned out together. I find that my husband and son rile each other up on outings in a way that drives me crazy, especially in the car, and that doesn't happen minus the husband. Last week he had a half day of school and no aftercare, so I took the afternoon off (my husband could not) and took my son out to lunch, to an arcade for an hour, and to get ice cream sundaes. Most of it was his design; he had a good report card and I told him he could pick an activity and a treat. But we just had such a nice day and we always come away from it with a funny in-joke or something that we hold onto until the next outing.
Dog house here, no kids. Partners can be exhausting. Managing their moods and anticipating their wants while trying to keep a handle on your own sh*t. My husband is doing a golf trip next month. I'm so looking forward to running the house the way I want!
I couldn’t agree more. Another factor that I think plays into this is that although my husband is a good co-parent and also does a bigger share of our domestic labor, he sometimes takes a backseat to answering questions and doing all the millions of things the kids ask when I am around. It’s somehow more exhausting than when I’m on solo duty. Definitely a hot topic for us.
My (witchy) mom still talks about how it drove her crazy that my dad would get home from work just as she had us calm and reading before bed. (I do remember jumping on their bed yelling, "Daddy's home!")