Nick Kroll has a bit in his new standup special about birth order stereotypes that made me laugh (and as a firstborn ‘main character,’ you should listen to what I have to say.) Here are birth order stereotypes, at least through my experiences:
Firstborn children like mine (and me) carry the weight of the world. Nobody understands the pressure on them, and everyone who is a little sib has enjoyed a cushy life of privilege thanks to the firstborns bearing the brunt of being the trailblazer. Firstborns are often cautious and a little babyish because they are not exposed to older-kid stuff.
Second-born/youngest children are expert cuddlers, flaming hot temper dicks and over-the-top attention hog clowns. They are more sophisticated for their age because they enjoy their older siblings’ media, toys and friends.
Middle children are the most interesting because they have all the perspective and angst.
Third-born children and onward are just happy to be there.
Only children (like my husband) interpret interruptions as signs of disrespect because they were never interrupted growing up and tend to think the way they do things is the only logical way.
Of course YMMV. Every now and then I hear of a cuckoo bananas firstborn followed by a temperate secondborn, and so on. What birth order stereotypes are borne true and proven false in your own family?
My firstborn is my chaos child, none of the responsibility and maturity associated with firstborns but all of the domineering and put-upon energy. My second born is easygoing and sweet and independent but she's also a middle. Youngest is TBD but is basically a mascot or loveable pet, like all youngest children. I was youngest of three, and youngest of all the grandchildren on both sides so I obviously have an attention-based brain disease. I have 50-year-old cousins that still call me, with complete seriousness, Baby Evie.
I imagined it was gonna be the old "first borns are mature and responsible" thing and was going to disagree, but cautious, babyish, and a bit of a self-pitying martyr? Yep.
We interrupt my only all the time but that is likely because he is never not talking.
He's also done that only thing where he is a raging extrovert because that's how he has people to play with, I feel like you either wind up with super introverted or super extroverted only children, no middle ground
My husband and I also find it interesting the pairing of the parents—we’re both oldest sibs and have a harder time relating to the plight of the younger sibling.
All of our siblings married / couples up with someone who has a similar birth order as them.
My husband is still mystified by the brother relationship, like how can you love and hate someone so hard in such a short amount of time? I think it makes perfect sense. You didn’t ask for this person to be here but also who else are you going to shoot the shit with.
This is the same in my family! Husband and I are both firstborns with one younger sibling who married another youngest sibling. We love them but there is also lots of eyerolling when discussing their Whole Thing.
This is interesting - as an oldest, I think I have always been closer to people who are younger siblings, both friendship and relationship-wise. One could call it not wanting to share the spotlight, I choose to see it as balancing each other out.
I am the oldest of 4 who married an oldest of two but #2 in my fam married an only and #3 also married an oldest and #4 married another spoiled baby of the family but it creates some interesting dynamics!!! I literally cannot imagine being married to a baby of the family. Like how could I possibly co-parent with that? We have a 6yo functionally only so at least we aren’t ganging up on a baby.
I feel SO badly for my son who is the youngest because he lives with 3 oldest siblings (me, my husband and our daughter). He gets bossed around all the livelong day! However, he is also a total ham who lives for attention.
The first and second born stereotypes could not be more true about my two kids. Your photo could be of my two kids except that mine are girls. I myself am an only child and many many people have told me "I never would have guessed you were an only child," which is the best compliment someone can give me. My husband would probably disagree with them, but that's because he's an overly burdened oldest.
I'm also an only child and I get a lot of the "I never would have guessed..." comments too, which I also consider the highest of praise for my character.
Firstborn here. Type A self-deprecating martyr in the house. My younger sister, to my perception, had a bit more freedom to make mistakes than I did, but at the same time is far more anxious and cautious than I so I come off like the daredevil.
All of the firstborns in my family are EXTREMELY Type A and the seconds have much better stories.
My husband is a second child and his parents took things WAY easier on him than his older brother, to the point of enduring resentment. Definitely a talker and a charmer, but a bit of a dark side.
My only child is excellent at making friends, but also likes to curl up at home and chill after socializing. An extroverted introvert, like mama.
Also interesting: My husband, who deeply resented his older brother and vice versa, was adamant about wanting an only. I have a sibling and we always got along pretty well and still do; I could have had a second but ultimately decided not to.
I said if we had a second it would show us what kind of kid our firstborn is. Turns out our firstborn is very compliant and we just didn't appreciate it about him until the other one showed up.
Ha, I say this all the time too. But I also think it's freeing because you realize that many of the things you thought were good/bad parenting are just....how they are. Like I thought my first child was a bad sleeper and it was somehow my fault. Then her brother came along and he was even worse and it made me feel like it wasn't just that I couldn't figure out how to put a baby to sleep. It was just my terrible sleep genes!
I'm one of 4 and I'm the third. My brother is the oldest but my dad was super hard on him and he's definitely carrying the weight of the world. But the rest of us are girls and my oldest sister was the golden child so she's basically the oldest in many ways. I was definitely the ignored one and my little sister was the baby who got away with murder. Of my two girls, it's a bit early to say but my oldest is definitely the responsible one and my little is absolutely going to be nuts and jumping off furniture in about two seconds. She is also learning to walk/talk etc earlier than her sister.
just last night I was thinking I feel like this 2nd kid has been a pain in my ass since before he was even born. Good thing he is so cute and looks like me.
Here's a hot take that surprised me the other day: I'm an only child & my kid is too, but when I was talking with my spouse (who, incidentally but irrelevantly, is older brother to a sister) he objected to the very TERM "only child" on the grounds that it is "cutesy." He went on to say that it's lightly guilt-tripping parents who don't have more than one kid. I take his point but it was wild to hear an analysis & takedown of a phrase that's been part of my identity for basically my entire life.
I don't even remember. "Child without siblings" or similar? Whatever it was, I don't think it was sufficiently road-tested for deployment in casual conversation.
I don't have any particular affection for "only child" but--as with so many things in the realm of "language used by people"--it's an effective & efficient way to describe someone who's their parents' (or parent's) only progeny.
I'm picking up what you're putting down. I feel sometimes I need to clarify between "only child as in they have no other siblings and "only child, the sad lonely ONLY child whose parents were too CRUEL to give it siblings" as if I would ever suggest the smart thing for two people to do in any scenario is add a whole new baby.
The weirdest thing about my three kids is that they all have the classic birth order personalities even though my identical twins were born just two minutes apart and I'm guessing in somewhat arbitrary order because I had them via c-section. Baby A has SUCH middle child energy, angsty and often overlooked but also a mediator (i.e., sucks up to us when her siblings are being dicks). Baby B runs so hot and cold, constant little tantrums, and loves attention.
Do we think age gaps make a difference? I'm the oldest of three and show all the typical Type-A, perfectionist, martyrdom, etc. My husband is the youngest of three, but there is a 10 and 15 year age gap between him and his siblings, so he grew up more as an only and is similarly Type-A, must take care of everything. Our daughter is the same as us. And our son (who is younger by 11 years) is also extremely careful, orderly, and a perfectionist. It is our (semi-joking) family motto -- why achieve when you can overachieve!
Four headstrong, 'no I'll do it, I don't need help' people in one house can be maddening.
My husband is an only child and can't accept the level of bickering and fighting over stupid shit that occurs. I try not to roll my eyes because he just didn't have to deal with it as a child.
Which one is the "stubborn to the point of exhaustion" one? For me, that's my second-born. My 2/2, if you will. My 1/2 is very cautious but he was that even before he became a sibling.
Oh the second one for sure. The second one will refuse to eat dinner just to spite everyone including himself while the firstborn will probably clear his plate for him.
Our first-born believes the whole world revolves around him and is far more sensitive and emotional than his brother, but he's also more confident. Our second (and youngest) is a peacemaker, incredibly flexible, and independent. He can play by himself for hours. He's lately proclaimed he hates then number two though and (and by extension second grade, which, alas, is his grade). He never wants to be second for anything. Can't imagine where that came from. He's also obsessed with staying the littlest/youngest/doesn't want to grow up. Meanwhile his older brother thinks he's an adult and should run everything.
They are being raised by two second kids (one out of four, one the youngest). We definitely relate to our younger more, but the oldest is very sensitive to this and thinks we have a favorite. I am now obsessed with the idea that younger children marry younger children and oldest marry oldest...
Your second sounds like a hoot. Poor #2. I am very empathetic to my older son about the trials and tribulations of having a younger bro who sucks all the air out of the room. Although sometimes he really is stubborn when it comes to being a martyr and I'm like just shove him, goddamn!
I am both an oldest (have two younger half siblings on my dad’s side) and an only (on my mom’s side) so I’m basically a monster and I had to marry a middle child because he’s excellent at sharing a room and I had two rooms ALL TO MYSELF for 18 years and no, most of my college roommates are not still speaking to me.
I see a lot of classic birth order traits in my kids -- the older one is more introverted, very weight-of-world and very quick to correct/badger the younger one, younger one is more social and goofy, etc. I wasn’t prepared for how much the younger one would resent the older one though -- she regularly sobs that I should have had her first so she could be the oldest. What was fascinating was those tears peaked at the height of her kindergarten transition anxiety where she also wanted to “be a baby forever” -- so I think what she was really saying was “if I was older, I would have already done this and it wouldn’t feel so hard.” Who knew younger siblings had complicated emotional arcs of their own! Not me. (See above re: monster.)
I am the youngest of three, but my two older brothers are 8/10 years older than I am. My oldest brother was a complete and absolute nutcase--broke every rule in the book twice and didn't care. The middle brother was the type A, anxious, responsible one (until he hit high school and went off the deep end into partying/drinking/etc). I came along so much later that I had a weird mix of being an only child and also having two older brothers. I am totally anxious and type A, but I also don't think rules apply to me when I don't want them to, and I am a total extrovert who always wanted ALL THE ATTENTION when I was little. And got it because I was a girl and cute and knew how to work the system.
Mine actually do not follow the stereotype! My firstborn daughter is an artsy, out-to-lunch, semi-space cadet while my son, the younger one, is a total enforcer. Neither of them, however, give two shits about doing what I ask them to do - though they each don't do it in their own special ways.
I am *such* a Type-A oldest daughter stereotype, it's absurd. But due to many other factors, the babyish thing wasn't a factor - I'd also never heard that before, but when I shared with my group chat "oldest daughter union", I realized it was *a thing*
This is all correct. No notes.
Yes. Yes it is.
My firstborn is my chaos child, none of the responsibility and maturity associated with firstborns but all of the domineering and put-upon energy. My second born is easygoing and sweet and independent but she's also a middle. Youngest is TBD but is basically a mascot or loveable pet, like all youngest children. I was youngest of three, and youngest of all the grandchildren on both sides so I obviously have an attention-based brain disease. I have 50-year-old cousins that still call me, with complete seriousness, Baby Evie.
awww Baby Evie. You always had to be whatever they told you to be in cousin imagination games at family parties.
I imagined it was gonna be the old "first borns are mature and responsible" thing and was going to disagree, but cautious, babyish, and a bit of a self-pitying martyr? Yep.
LOL
We interrupt my only all the time but that is likely because he is never not talking.
He's also done that only thing where he is a raging extrovert because that's how he has people to play with, I feel like you either wind up with super introverted or super extroverted only children, no middle ground
This is very, very true, as the mom of an only who has several only-child friends. Mine's the latter, but many of his friends are the former.
First born totally anxious...the product of our first time parenting anxiety.
Second born totally confident, and cross.... Why wasn't I first?
Third born cuddly but also sneaky... Sees which of his brothers' tactics do and don't work so totally works the system!
Also that pic is perfect
This is absolutely, 1000% spot on.
(I mean your don’t fold laundry theory is strong youngest child energy—I say with peak oldest child energy)
LOLOL. CHAOS. ALWAYS.
My husband and I also find it interesting the pairing of the parents—we’re both oldest sibs and have a harder time relating to the plight of the younger sibling.
All of our siblings married / couples up with someone who has a similar birth order as them.
My husband is still mystified by the brother relationship, like how can you love and hate someone so hard in such a short amount of time? I think it makes perfect sense. You didn’t ask for this person to be here but also who else are you going to shoot the shit with.
This is the same in my family! Husband and I are both firstborns with one younger sibling who married another youngest sibling. We love them but there is also lots of eyerolling when discussing their Whole Thing.
This is interesting - as an oldest, I think I have always been closer to people who are younger siblings, both friendship and relationship-wise. One could call it not wanting to share the spotlight, I choose to see it as balancing each other out.
I am the oldest of 4 who married an oldest of two but #2 in my fam married an only and #3 also married an oldest and #4 married another spoiled baby of the family but it creates some interesting dynamics!!! I literally cannot imagine being married to a baby of the family. Like how could I possibly co-parent with that? We have a 6yo functionally only so at least we aren’t ganging up on a baby.
I feel SO badly for my son who is the youngest because he lives with 3 oldest siblings (me, my husband and our daughter). He gets bossed around all the livelong day! However, he is also a total ham who lives for attention.
The first and second born stereotypes could not be more true about my two kids. Your photo could be of my two kids except that mine are girls. I myself am an only child and many many people have told me "I never would have guessed you were an only child," which is the best compliment someone can give me. My husband would probably disagree with them, but that's because he's an overly burdened oldest.
I'm also an only child and I get a lot of the "I never would have guessed..." comments too, which I also consider the highest of praise for my character.
Firstborn here. Type A self-deprecating martyr in the house. My younger sister, to my perception, had a bit more freedom to make mistakes than I did, but at the same time is far more anxious and cautious than I so I come off like the daredevil.
All of the firstborns in my family are EXTREMELY Type A and the seconds have much better stories.
My husband is a second child and his parents took things WAY easier on him than his older brother, to the point of enduring resentment. Definitely a talker and a charmer, but a bit of a dark side.
My only child is excellent at making friends, but also likes to curl up at home and chill after socializing. An extroverted introvert, like mama.
Also interesting: My husband, who deeply resented his older brother and vice versa, was adamant about wanting an only. I have a sibling and we always got along pretty well and still do; I could have had a second but ultimately decided not to.
I said if we had a second it would show us what kind of kid our firstborn is. Turns out our firstborn is very compliant and we just didn't appreciate it about him until the other one showed up.
Absolutely. I’ve always said if we hadn’t had our second I would have believed I was the best mother ever.
Ha, I say this all the time too. But I also think it's freeing because you realize that many of the things you thought were good/bad parenting are just....how they are. Like I thought my first child was a bad sleeper and it was somehow my fault. Then her brother came along and he was even worse and it made me feel like it wasn't just that I couldn't figure out how to put a baby to sleep. It was just my terrible sleep genes!
I'm one of 4 and I'm the third. My brother is the oldest but my dad was super hard on him and he's definitely carrying the weight of the world. But the rest of us are girls and my oldest sister was the golden child so she's basically the oldest in many ways. I was definitely the ignored one and my little sister was the baby who got away with murder. Of my two girls, it's a bit early to say but my oldest is definitely the responsible one and my little is absolutely going to be nuts and jumping off furniture in about two seconds. She is also learning to walk/talk etc earlier than her sister.
It’s very scary, very the dinosaur has learned how to use a door handle.
Lol yes. She's already figured out how to open drawers and climb on furniture at 14 mo. I'm scared!
If youngest child had been born first. we would have been one and done.
When they were younger, every time oldest child was asked, "Would you like to have another sibling?" They would respond, "no, one is enough."
I am the youngest, and of course, I am perfection. :)
just last night I was thinking I feel like this 2nd kid has been a pain in my ass since before he was even born. Good thing he is so cute and looks like me.
Yes, that's what I say to myself all the time when dealing with youngest child, ESPECIALLY during the toddler terrorist years.
I heard a comedian once say that babies and toddlers are cute by design, otherwise we'd kill them.
Here's a hot take that surprised me the other day: I'm an only child & my kid is too, but when I was talking with my spouse (who, incidentally but irrelevantly, is older brother to a sister) he objected to the very TERM "only child" on the grounds that it is "cutesy." He went on to say that it's lightly guilt-tripping parents who don't have more than one kid. I take his point but it was wild to hear an analysis & takedown of a phrase that's been part of my identity for basically my entire life.
In other birth-order news, I always think of this: https://twitter.com/msLAS/status/1374072942481477636?s=20&t=9QM5ELiqtSkYa_gaDjsXzg
anything that talks about the plight of the firstborn daughter is accurate.
What was your spouse's alternate take for "only children"? Solos? Singletons?
I don't even remember. "Child without siblings" or similar? Whatever it was, I don't think it was sufficiently road-tested for deployment in casual conversation.
I don't have any particular affection for "only child" but--as with so many things in the realm of "language used by people"--it's an effective & efficient way to describe someone who's their parents' (or parent's) only progeny.
I'm picking up what you're putting down. I feel sometimes I need to clarify between "only child as in they have no other siblings and "only child, the sad lonely ONLY child whose parents were too CRUEL to give it siblings" as if I would ever suggest the smart thing for two people to do in any scenario is add a whole new baby.
The weirdest thing about my three kids is that they all have the classic birth order personalities even though my identical twins were born just two minutes apart and I'm guessing in somewhat arbitrary order because I had them via c-section. Baby A has SUCH middle child energy, angsty and often overlooked but also a mediator (i.e., sucks up to us when her siblings are being dicks). Baby B runs so hot and cold, constant little tantrums, and loves attention.
Do we think age gaps make a difference? I'm the oldest of three and show all the typical Type-A, perfectionist, martyrdom, etc. My husband is the youngest of three, but there is a 10 and 15 year age gap between him and his siblings, so he grew up more as an only and is similarly Type-A, must take care of everything. Our daughter is the same as us. And our son (who is younger by 11 years) is also extremely careful, orderly, and a perfectionist. It is our (semi-joking) family motto -- why achieve when you can overachieve!
Four headstrong, 'no I'll do it, I don't need help' people in one house can be maddening.
My husband is an only child and can't accept the level of bickering and fighting over stupid shit that occurs. I try not to roll my eyes because he just didn't have to deal with it as a child.
it's a little satisfying to see the chaos take over and they panic a little.
Which one is the "stubborn to the point of exhaustion" one? For me, that's my second-born. My 2/2, if you will. My 1/2 is very cautious but he was that even before he became a sibling.
Oh the second one for sure. The second one will refuse to eat dinner just to spite everyone including himself while the firstborn will probably clear his plate for him.
Our first-born believes the whole world revolves around him and is far more sensitive and emotional than his brother, but he's also more confident. Our second (and youngest) is a peacemaker, incredibly flexible, and independent. He can play by himself for hours. He's lately proclaimed he hates then number two though and (and by extension second grade, which, alas, is his grade). He never wants to be second for anything. Can't imagine where that came from. He's also obsessed with staying the littlest/youngest/doesn't want to grow up. Meanwhile his older brother thinks he's an adult and should run everything.
They are being raised by two second kids (one out of four, one the youngest). We definitely relate to our younger more, but the oldest is very sensitive to this and thinks we have a favorite. I am now obsessed with the idea that younger children marry younger children and oldest marry oldest...
Your second sounds like a hoot. Poor #2. I am very empathetic to my older son about the trials and tribulations of having a younger bro who sucks all the air out of the room. Although sometimes he really is stubborn when it comes to being a martyr and I'm like just shove him, goddamn!
I am both an oldest (have two younger half siblings on my dad’s side) and an only (on my mom’s side) so I’m basically a monster and I had to marry a middle child because he’s excellent at sharing a room and I had two rooms ALL TO MYSELF for 18 years and no, most of my college roommates are not still speaking to me.
I see a lot of classic birth order traits in my kids -- the older one is more introverted, very weight-of-world and very quick to correct/badger the younger one, younger one is more social and goofy, etc. I wasn’t prepared for how much the younger one would resent the older one though -- she regularly sobs that I should have had her first so she could be the oldest. What was fascinating was those tears peaked at the height of her kindergarten transition anxiety where she also wanted to “be a baby forever” -- so I think what she was really saying was “if I was older, I would have already done this and it wouldn’t feel so hard.” Who knew younger siblings had complicated emotional arcs of their own! Not me. (See above re: monster.)
I am the youngest of three, but my two older brothers are 8/10 years older than I am. My oldest brother was a complete and absolute nutcase--broke every rule in the book twice and didn't care. The middle brother was the type A, anxious, responsible one (until he hit high school and went off the deep end into partying/drinking/etc). I came along so much later that I had a weird mix of being an only child and also having two older brothers. I am totally anxious and type A, but I also don't think rules apply to me when I don't want them to, and I am a total extrovert who always wanted ALL THE ATTENTION when I was little. And got it because I was a girl and cute and knew how to work the system.
Mine actually do not follow the stereotype! My firstborn daughter is an artsy, out-to-lunch, semi-space cadet while my son, the younger one, is a total enforcer. Neither of them, however, give two shits about doing what I ask them to do - though they each don't do it in their own special ways.
I am *such* a Type-A oldest daughter stereotype, it's absurd. But due to many other factors, the babyish thing wasn't a factor - I'd also never heard that before, but when I shared with my group chat "oldest daughter union", I realized it was *a thing*