I understand that the doctors and nurses see births all day everyday, but for all three of my births, I was told "there was no way you need to push" and was in fact ready to push each time. My first birth, a nurse actually laughed at me when I said I felt like I needed to push. I told her I was either going to push here or she could call my doctor. My water broke at home and less than 2 hours later, my son was born. My second birth was awful and traumatic. First 2 births -- no epidural because they moved too quickly. With my 3rd, I made sure to get an epidural before they broke my water. All was well, they came in and checked, I was 8cm. 10 minutes later, I told my husband to get the nurse because I could feel the baby moving down and I needed to push. She came in, laughed at me, checked, and boom. Was ready to push.
My advice in all this, TRUST YOURSELF. You know your body better than they do. Guess who got the last laugh and got to say, "I told ya so" to the nurses. Felt good.
The biggest commonality in my two birth experiences has been that in both instances I let feelings of inadequacy rule. Both were what I would call “neutral,” not as bad and traumatic as some that I’ve read here, but also distinctly not euphoric and wonderful.
My first was 55 hour back labor with a doula that didn’t believe I was actually in labor and fell asleep on my couch with period cramps while I contracted alone in my bathtub. When I requested we go to the hospital 30 hours into labor, she advised we leave our car seat at home as they would likely not admit us. She was shocked when I was 6cm dilated.
My second birth, last summer, I attempted to try another doula and this one was worlds better but very focused on not using epidurals. I know and don’t know why I was so intent on trying to avoid pain medication this time. The pain was such that I couldn’t, or maybe didn’t want to see if I could get to the other side. I couldn’t get my head above water, the contractions were so relentless. I asked for the epidural and cried because I had failed, yet again. Failed to do something other people can manage with a pool in their living room. I was sure in that moment that the doula and my husband were disappointed in my inability to handle it. As the baby was whisked off to the NICU and my husband went home to care for our sick toddler, I spent two days in a room alone listening to other babies cry and hobbling to the NICU to hold my son in an uncomfortable chair for as long as I could stand it.
I wish now that I had skipped the doula, gotten the epidural as early as possible and used the funds for better postpartum care managing two little ones at home as both of my sons had freak things happen that put them in the ER in their first month. Even with therapy, I still can’t reconcile how other women I know just “pop” babies out and I cannot do that. I wonder if I ever will be able to “get over it.”
🧡 I heartily relate to the feeling of inadequacy. Labor with my first was infinitely more painful than I ever imagined it would be and in that moment I imagined every other woman who had ever given birth was stronger and better equipped than me. So I felt like a failure for getting an epidural. (Even though that needle is no joke, right?!?)
The needle is fucking scary!! I don’t think mine was put in first time the right way, but I was too scared of it being scary again to ask them to do it differently. Someone above mentioned getting a big bosomy Grandma hug when they got theirs put in. That sounds good.
Thinking about this more, and re-reading it, I realize it may seem like I think less of those who have medicated birth. I absolutely don’t. That’s what’s so bewildering about my own self-judgement. I went in to both labors open to any eventuality, and yet...
You are good Victoria! There is a big difference between "I didn't want an epidural" and "I feel bad for the babies of selfish wimp moms who get epidurals" ;)
Thank you so much for this! So many ‘second time round’ stories seem to focus on having a ‘healing’ natural birth after a traumatic hospital experience, as if you have to prove your womanly body is capable of doing what it’s ‘supposed’ to do. My first birth was very much along these lines - going from routine birth to five OBs in the room birth, massive haemorrhage, emergency and lifesaving surgery for me, made to do ‘skin to skin’ and feeling like cr*p when I made my husband take the baby off me after 2 minutes because I was too feverish from whatever they gave me to try and stop the bleeding. My husband also had trauma from being left alone with a newborn and 2L of blood in a bucket.
Second time round was an elective caesar, completely and utterly different. He did decide to come early and on a Saturday, so not our planned OB but it was glorious. Our public hospital system very much discourages ‘elective’ caesars, so we had a private OB but birthed in a public hospital as they have far better experience when things go haywire.
Going to give the extremely shallow-sounding advice up front, then the background: If you are relatively certain when you're going to give birth because of a scheduled induction or c-section, get a blowout and a mani/pedi the day before (only if you like those things, obviously). It's not about the photos, because delivery will fuck you up anyway. It's about feeling confident and put together before going into something really difficult, like you would for a job interview or big presentation. I'm literally physically more comfortable when I've had my hair smoothed and styled rather than it sticking to me at weird angles, and when my nails are shaped and painted rather than just sitting there begging me to bite them to nubs. If not a blowout/nails, do something frivolous and self-carey the day before, something that makes you feel powerful and in charge, because you are. Feeling this way can also help you advocate for yourself if your medical professionals are making decisions that don't suit you.
Both my first and second were planned long in advance to be induced because of a miserable complication that necessitates getting them out as soon as they're cooked at 37 weeks. For the first one I'd gone into early labor at 32, and kept it in but had to be on bedrest until the end. For the second, I knew the complication was coming and how to deal with it as much as it could be dealt with, I was already a mom and more relaxed about having a kid, and I didn't go into early labor. So I knew as much as I could about what I was dealing with, and after a brutal pregnancy I wanted to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible for the delivery. I had to wait much longer that time for the epidural, which sucked, but otherwise I was in it to win it with soft waves and lavender nails.
I am not a mother but I am the second child and my mom claims my birth was the easiest of 4. Here comes a bunch of caveats and also this is NOT advice: I was born in Switzerland in the 80s lol, which explains why instead of an epidural, my mom was given one glass of wine at the hospital 😅 Said it worked like a charm. Swiss hospitals also stressed the importance of having a well-rested mom so for however long she stayed (could have been 5 days-7, definitely longer than in the US), the nurses took care of the babies overnight so the moms could sleep through the night.
Awwww 🥰🥰🥰🥰 I know science doesn’t work this way but I do like that my origin story involves wine lol. Very “zest for the good things in life” from the beginning haha
I feel like I’m in such a similar situation to the letter writer! Pregnant with my second, and first birth was an emergency c section at 35 weeks with no labour. I feel like I don’t even know how to make a birth plan? And I feel like I don’t know anyone who didn’t have to throw theirs out the window anyway.
I also don’t know what to expect from being in labour? I guess I just really need to make sure my medical team doesn’t make any assumptions because this is my second time around
I personally don't think you need to have a birth plan because as you say often they don't happen. They are more like birth hopes sometimes. Did your doc say how likely it will be that you'll get another C section?
Whatever happens I hope it's much more chill this time--no emergencies of any kind!
Thank you! Planning for VBAC as of now, but I’m supposed to have an appointment with an OB soon to assess my scarring (otherwise working with midwives).
Hoping for chill has been my plan so far. Fingers crossed!
While pregnant with my first, I spent months petrified about labor and birth pain. Took a birthing class to feel more empowered but it was low key ‘pain meds are for losers’ only I was too preoccupied with a chronic cold and insomnia, and eating massive bowls of cereal nonstop to realize it was kind of like a natural birthing cult. I hired a doula, per the class reco. Cut to L&D, I was in SO MUCH BACK LABOR PAIN for 24 hours, and was scared to tell the doula ‘F* the birthing plan, I want an epidural.’ When I finally did get one (it was heaven!) I felt like she lost all interest in assisting anymore. Definitely felt judged when she told me that I was her first client that ‘caved in’ and had an epidural.
With #2, I skipped the doula. Felt fantastic telling the nurse that I was quite interested in an epidural and would take one as soon as possible.
I know lovely women who are doulas, so not a knock on the profession. In hindsight I was in an environment of so much judgement about how I planned to manage labor and birth pain but with zero actual experience of what to expect.
I’m so sorry they made you feel that way. That is what I was scared might happen if I hired a Doula before I realized you don’t have to hire one you don’t like. I’m glad you were able to get the good stuff with no side eye!
I've only had one kid but definitely would recommend finding a doula. Was super helpful to have someone who knew what they were doing, which I did not. (though apparently a birth plan of 'end up with healthy mom and baby' is not specific enough, pfft)
But what about the "fourth trimester" / PPD / PPA chaos .... how do you get past the trauma of THAT in order to welcome baby #2 while also caring for baby #1?!!
I’ll tell you my secret: starting antidepressants the day after my second kid was born. That’s not the solution for everyone but it definitely helped me.
But I was one of the people who had a hard time adjusting to number one than number two. At least after number two I already knew my life was ruined and was constant laundry, and dishes. I’m kind of joking, but kind of not! I look forward to hearing how other witches handled that.
This is such a helpful post! Now that reproductive rights have been nuked in half of the U.S. it feels like the media has picked up the banner on "what can go wrong in birth and pregnancy". That's an important message, but a lot of the articles are in "consciousness raising mode" and are pretty light on solutions. It can be overwhelming, so it's great to see some of peoples' experiences translated into useful advice!
On a parallel topic, I had a miscarriage last year after just after Dobbs, and the one-million graphic articles about women being denied care weren't that helpful. But I did find a few helpful tips that may have saved the day: not all catholic hospitals will do a D&C so go elsewhere if you think you might need one. You can sometimes ask for twilight sleep instead of general anesthesia so no throat tube needed. May you never need these tips, fellow witches, and may your service journalism always be of service!
I understand that the doctors and nurses see births all day everyday, but for all three of my births, I was told "there was no way you need to push" and was in fact ready to push each time. My first birth, a nurse actually laughed at me when I said I felt like I needed to push. I told her I was either going to push here or she could call my doctor. My water broke at home and less than 2 hours later, my son was born. My second birth was awful and traumatic. First 2 births -- no epidural because they moved too quickly. With my 3rd, I made sure to get an epidural before they broke my water. All was well, they came in and checked, I was 8cm. 10 minutes later, I told my husband to get the nurse because I could feel the baby moving down and I needed to push. She came in, laughed at me, checked, and boom. Was ready to push.
My advice in all this, TRUST YOURSELF. You know your body better than they do. Guess who got the last laugh and got to say, "I told ya so" to the nurses. Felt good.
What a dick nurse!! Boo
The biggest commonality in my two birth experiences has been that in both instances I let feelings of inadequacy rule. Both were what I would call “neutral,” not as bad and traumatic as some that I’ve read here, but also distinctly not euphoric and wonderful.
My first was 55 hour back labor with a doula that didn’t believe I was actually in labor and fell asleep on my couch with period cramps while I contracted alone in my bathtub. When I requested we go to the hospital 30 hours into labor, she advised we leave our car seat at home as they would likely not admit us. She was shocked when I was 6cm dilated.
My second birth, last summer, I attempted to try another doula and this one was worlds better but very focused on not using epidurals. I know and don’t know why I was so intent on trying to avoid pain medication this time. The pain was such that I couldn’t, or maybe didn’t want to see if I could get to the other side. I couldn’t get my head above water, the contractions were so relentless. I asked for the epidural and cried because I had failed, yet again. Failed to do something other people can manage with a pool in their living room. I was sure in that moment that the doula and my husband were disappointed in my inability to handle it. As the baby was whisked off to the NICU and my husband went home to care for our sick toddler, I spent two days in a room alone listening to other babies cry and hobbling to the NICU to hold my son in an uncomfortable chair for as long as I could stand it.
I wish now that I had skipped the doula, gotten the epidural as early as possible and used the funds for better postpartum care managing two little ones at home as both of my sons had freak things happen that put them in the ER in their first month. Even with therapy, I still can’t reconcile how other women I know just “pop” babies out and I cannot do that. I wonder if I ever will be able to “get over it.”
🧡 I heartily relate to the feeling of inadequacy. Labor with my first was infinitely more painful than I ever imagined it would be and in that moment I imagined every other woman who had ever given birth was stronger and better equipped than me. So I felt like a failure for getting an epidural. (Even though that needle is no joke, right?!?)
The needle is fucking scary!! I don’t think mine was put in first time the right way, but I was too scared of it being scary again to ask them to do it differently. Someone above mentioned getting a big bosomy Grandma hug when they got theirs put in. That sounds good.
Thinking about this more, and re-reading it, I realize it may seem like I think less of those who have medicated birth. I absolutely don’t. That’s what’s so bewildering about my own self-judgement. I went in to both labors open to any eventuality, and yet...
You are good Victoria! There is a big difference between "I didn't want an epidural" and "I feel bad for the babies of selfish wimp moms who get epidurals" ;)
Thank you so much for this! So many ‘second time round’ stories seem to focus on having a ‘healing’ natural birth after a traumatic hospital experience, as if you have to prove your womanly body is capable of doing what it’s ‘supposed’ to do. My first birth was very much along these lines - going from routine birth to five OBs in the room birth, massive haemorrhage, emergency and lifesaving surgery for me, made to do ‘skin to skin’ and feeling like cr*p when I made my husband take the baby off me after 2 minutes because I was too feverish from whatever they gave me to try and stop the bleeding. My husband also had trauma from being left alone with a newborn and 2L of blood in a bucket.
Second time round was an elective caesar, completely and utterly different. He did decide to come early and on a Saturday, so not our planned OB but it was glorious. Our public hospital system very much discourages ‘elective’ caesars, so we had a private OB but birthed in a public hospital as they have far better experience when things go haywire.
Going to give the extremely shallow-sounding advice up front, then the background: If you are relatively certain when you're going to give birth because of a scheduled induction or c-section, get a blowout and a mani/pedi the day before (only if you like those things, obviously). It's not about the photos, because delivery will fuck you up anyway. It's about feeling confident and put together before going into something really difficult, like you would for a job interview or big presentation. I'm literally physically more comfortable when I've had my hair smoothed and styled rather than it sticking to me at weird angles, and when my nails are shaped and painted rather than just sitting there begging me to bite them to nubs. If not a blowout/nails, do something frivolous and self-carey the day before, something that makes you feel powerful and in charge, because you are. Feeling this way can also help you advocate for yourself if your medical professionals are making decisions that don't suit you.
Both my first and second were planned long in advance to be induced because of a miserable complication that necessitates getting them out as soon as they're cooked at 37 weeks. For the first one I'd gone into early labor at 32, and kept it in but had to be on bedrest until the end. For the second, I knew the complication was coming and how to deal with it as much as it could be dealt with, I was already a mom and more relaxed about having a kid, and I didn't go into early labor. So I knew as much as I could about what I was dealing with, and after a brutal pregnancy I wanted to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible for the delivery. I had to wait much longer that time for the epidural, which sucked, but otherwise I was in it to win it with soft waves and lavender nails.
I am not a mother but I am the second child and my mom claims my birth was the easiest of 4. Here comes a bunch of caveats and also this is NOT advice: I was born in Switzerland in the 80s lol, which explains why instead of an epidural, my mom was given one glass of wine at the hospital 😅 Said it worked like a charm. Swiss hospitals also stressed the importance of having a well-rested mom so for however long she stayed (could have been 5 days-7, definitely longer than in the US), the nurses took care of the babies overnight so the moms could sleep through the night.
Also you are just a perfect human and no wonder you came out like a dream.
Awwww 🥰🥰🥰🥰 I know science doesn’t work this way but I do like that my origin story involves wine lol. Very “zest for the good things in life” from the beginning haha
I feel like I’m in such a similar situation to the letter writer! Pregnant with my second, and first birth was an emergency c section at 35 weeks with no labour. I feel like I don’t even know how to make a birth plan? And I feel like I don’t know anyone who didn’t have to throw theirs out the window anyway.
I also don’t know what to expect from being in labour? I guess I just really need to make sure my medical team doesn’t make any assumptions because this is my second time around
I personally don't think you need to have a birth plan because as you say often they don't happen. They are more like birth hopes sometimes. Did your doc say how likely it will be that you'll get another C section?
Whatever happens I hope it's much more chill this time--no emergencies of any kind!
Thank you! Planning for VBAC as of now, but I’m supposed to have an appointment with an OB soon to assess my scarring (otherwise working with midwives).
Hoping for chill has been my plan so far. Fingers crossed!
While pregnant with my first, I spent months petrified about labor and birth pain. Took a birthing class to feel more empowered but it was low key ‘pain meds are for losers’ only I was too preoccupied with a chronic cold and insomnia, and eating massive bowls of cereal nonstop to realize it was kind of like a natural birthing cult. I hired a doula, per the class reco. Cut to L&D, I was in SO MUCH BACK LABOR PAIN for 24 hours, and was scared to tell the doula ‘F* the birthing plan, I want an epidural.’ When I finally did get one (it was heaven!) I felt like she lost all interest in assisting anymore. Definitely felt judged when she told me that I was her first client that ‘caved in’ and had an epidural.
With #2, I skipped the doula. Felt fantastic telling the nurse that I was quite interested in an epidural and would take one as soon as possible.
I know lovely women who are doulas, so not a knock on the profession. In hindsight I was in an environment of so much judgement about how I planned to manage labor and birth pain but with zero actual experience of what to expect.
I’m so sorry they made you feel that way. That is what I was scared might happen if I hired a Doula before I realized you don’t have to hire one you don’t like. I’m glad you were able to get the good stuff with no side eye!
I've only had one kid but definitely would recommend finding a doula. Was super helpful to have someone who knew what they were doing, which I did not. (though apparently a birth plan of 'end up with healthy mom and baby' is not specific enough, pfft)
Nope! “healthy baby” is ideal but not all that.
But what about the "fourth trimester" / PPD / PPA chaos .... how do you get past the trauma of THAT in order to welcome baby #2 while also caring for baby #1?!!
I’ll tell you my secret: starting antidepressants the day after my second kid was born. That’s not the solution for everyone but it definitely helped me.
But I was one of the people who had a hard time adjusting to number one than number two. At least after number two I already knew my life was ruined and was constant laundry, and dishes. I’m kind of joking, but kind of not! I look forward to hearing how other witches handled that.
This is such a helpful post! Now that reproductive rights have been nuked in half of the U.S. it feels like the media has picked up the banner on "what can go wrong in birth and pregnancy". That's an important message, but a lot of the articles are in "consciousness raising mode" and are pretty light on solutions. It can be overwhelming, so it's great to see some of peoples' experiences translated into useful advice!
On a parallel topic, I had a miscarriage last year after just after Dobbs, and the one-million graphic articles about women being denied care weren't that helpful. But I did find a few helpful tips that may have saved the day: not all catholic hospitals will do a D&C so go elsewhere if you think you might need one. You can sometimes ask for twilight sleep instead of general anesthesia so no throat tube needed. May you never need these tips, fellow witches, and may your service journalism always be of service!