“Maybe part of the bittersweet feeling of watching new moms cross over is me wondering whether those feelings were wrong, and I’m a little afraid of those first-time moms might get it right, technically and emotionally, off the bat.”
Wow Claire, this was such a beautiful piece. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for about three years now. My oldest turns 17 in three weeks. She has one more year until she can be legally released into the "wild", and part of me is an emotional wreck. This kid who once told me that she was planning to buy the house next door so we could be together forever, is now learning how to drive, taking the train by herself, working, and touring far away colleges. I am happy and proud for her and sad for myself. Bittersweet is the perfect adjective for parenthood.
‘How the setting sun could bring a sense of dread, how we began to understand some really dark shit we couldn’t fathom understanding before, how we wondered if we would ever feel free or happy again.’
I’m 6 weeks postpartum, and this sums it up. People don’t talk enough about how those early days really test you. Physically and emotionally, I was a mess. The only reason I’m not now is because I started on medication for post partum depression at 4 weeks.
Before the birth good friends of mine told me to get ice packs and pads, but didn’t mention any of the serious stuff. It makes you think you’re the only one. Thanks for putting this out there. 💗
I’m really glad you got the meds. I didn’t until after my second kid and it was a huge difference. I hope you’re hanging in there and have people you can tell all your feelings to. All the feelings are normal and there is nothing incorrect about them. Sending you a big hug. It is a rough ride and worrying that you’re supposed to enjoy it is just salt in the wound.
This was a sweet & beautiful piece! I sometimes wish I could Time Traveler's Wife my way back to the newborn scene for just a few hours and then hop back out. It was very hard to appreciate it at the time. But I would stay for days in the late toddler years.
I also appreciate that you end-noted it with a joke about pinworms, lol. We lived through that last year and it is grosser than you can imagine--luckily my husband took the lead on everything so I only saw a few worms. And everyone in the house gets to drink the medication, which is of course banana-flavored (why?) and terrible.
I hate worms so much. Cover me in tarantulas and snakes, idc. But worms are so ick on their own, and then on top of it it’s BUTTHOLE WORMS? Send me to Mars.
I just want you to know that the first time my husband and I met we bonded over both having had pinworms. And butt tape. So far none of our children have had it but when they do he’s butt tape guy. I did the lice triage 😳
Yep, I learnt it the hard way: itchy bum/vulva, try the medication. I feel horribly guilty that my daughter had been complaining of an itchy vulva, every three or four days, for months, and I thought it was night nappies until I saw a couple of those little guys waving at me from her bum. Incidentally, it's thought that 20-30% of pre-school and primary/elementary aged children (in Europe at least - but surely we're not _that_ much more disgusting than you north Americans?) have pinworm at any one time.
Well, this made me tear up! My sons' best teacher had a teeny tiny 1.6 lb baby almost 16 weeks early. He is still in the NICU, but is finally gaining weight and will hopefully get to go home soon. It has been infuriating to watch her go through all of this while also having to go back to work immediately so she could save her leave for when her baby can go home. Can you imagine teaching 1st graders while your tiny little baby is in a box across town? Freaking America.
I think back to how unmoored I was by my newborns and how much I learned about myself - not all of it good - and I just watch new moms with absolute hero worship. And the only advice I ever give is "go outside every day" because that's the only advice my witch mom friend would give me and it was the best.
I wish I had made more modest goals for myself like just getting outside instead of inviting everyone and their mom over to prove that I was exactly the same just plus one new baby.
*the wicked webs we weave.* With my mom it took years for me to realize that having her 'come and help' was much more emotionally draining than any help that was provided.
yeah my mom came over to help/visit and noted that our fake flowers were out of season. if I could do it all over again I would have hired a postpartum doula so I could get the help without any baggage.
I just read your comment and can 100% identify because that is totally something my mom would say. As soon after I read that I just let out a big sigh.
Also (and now talking about my mom, not saying yours is like this) -- becoming a Mother was a huge trip because all of a sudden I could see her interactions with me and think ‘wow. That lacks empathy.’ And then start wondering ‘has it always been this way?’ That whole process was both painful and liberating
Just piping in here to say I love this, had me nearly crying in the coffee shop because my husbands sister just had her first and it was so sweet to see her on the other side, after all that waiting.
This lovely essay reminded me of the sadness I felt when my beloved sixth grade teacher went on maternity leave, something I hadn't thought of in years. Thanks for making space for these feelings <3 I also love how you describe that intangible bittersweetness of the first bit of parenthood. So complicated, so lovely, so hard...
“Maybe part of the bittersweet feeling of watching new moms cross over is me wondering whether those feelings were wrong, and I’m a little afraid of those first-time moms might get it right, technically and emotionally, off the bat.”
Oh. This is it exactly.
Beautiful piece.
This exact bit perfectly encapsulated the main lesson I’ve been learning over and over in ~4 years of therapy
yup. nailed it.
Wow Claire, this was such a beautiful piece. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for about three years now. My oldest turns 17 in three weeks. She has one more year until she can be legally released into the "wild", and part of me is an emotional wreck. This kid who once told me that she was planning to buy the house next door so we could be together forever, is now learning how to drive, taking the train by herself, working, and touring far away colleges. I am happy and proud for her and sad for myself. Bittersweet is the perfect adjective for parenthood.
‘How the setting sun could bring a sense of dread, how we began to understand some really dark shit we couldn’t fathom understanding before, how we wondered if we would ever feel free or happy again.’
I’m 6 weeks postpartum, and this sums it up. People don’t talk enough about how those early days really test you. Physically and emotionally, I was a mess. The only reason I’m not now is because I started on medication for post partum depression at 4 weeks.
Before the birth good friends of mine told me to get ice packs and pads, but didn’t mention any of the serious stuff. It makes you think you’re the only one. Thanks for putting this out there. 💗
I’m really glad you got the meds. I didn’t until after my second kid and it was a huge difference. I hope you’re hanging in there and have people you can tell all your feelings to. All the feelings are normal and there is nothing incorrect about them. Sending you a big hug. It is a rough ride and worrying that you’re supposed to enjoy it is just salt in the wound.
well, I didn't have crying on Tuesday morning on my BINGO card, but here we are.
so beautifully written.
This was a sweet & beautiful piece! I sometimes wish I could Time Traveler's Wife my way back to the newborn scene for just a few hours and then hop back out. It was very hard to appreciate it at the time. But I would stay for days in the late toddler years.
I also appreciate that you end-noted it with a joke about pinworms, lol. We lived through that last year and it is grosser than you can imagine--luckily my husband took the lead on everything so I only saw a few worms. And everyone in the house gets to drink the medication, which is of course banana-flavored (why?) and terrible.
I hate worms so much. Cover me in tarantulas and snakes, idc. But worms are so ick on their own, and then on top of it it’s BUTTHOLE WORMS? Send me to Mars.
Plus the worms are just RUDE. They wait until you're sleeping to come out and make your life a living hell.
I just want you to know that the first time my husband and I met we bonded over both having had pinworms. And butt tape. So far none of our children have had it but when they do he’s butt tape guy. I did the lice triage 😳
This is my kind of “meet cute” 🪱
Here's a good thing to know about this - you can treat it without confirming it! The medicine is over the counter - just give it to the whole family!
The top advice is always deep in the comments
Yep, I learnt it the hard way: itchy bum/vulva, try the medication. I feel horribly guilty that my daughter had been complaining of an itchy vulva, every three or four days, for months, and I thought it was night nappies until I saw a couple of those little guys waving at me from her bum. Incidentally, it's thought that 20-30% of pre-school and primary/elementary aged children (in Europe at least - but surely we're not _that_ much more disgusting than you north Americans?) have pinworm at any one time.
On the plus side we enjoyed the BUMWORMS episode of Bluey a lot during that time.
Can we talk about how much we love Bluey? I feel like I could watch that show even without my kids.
Well, this made me tear up! My sons' best teacher had a teeny tiny 1.6 lb baby almost 16 weeks early. He is still in the NICU, but is finally gaining weight and will hopefully get to go home soon. It has been infuriating to watch her go through all of this while also having to go back to work immediately so she could save her leave for when her baby can go home. Can you imagine teaching 1st graders while your tiny little baby is in a box across town? Freaking America.
I think back to how unmoored I was by my newborns and how much I learned about myself - not all of it good - and I just watch new moms with absolute hero worship. And the only advice I ever give is "go outside every day" because that's the only advice my witch mom friend would give me and it was the best.
More tears! Claire!
That is an absolute crime. I hope she’s doing okay, and the baby too.
Thanks Christina — and everyone else for the kind words!
Yes to getting outside with the newborn! I would get so stuck on the couch, but as soon as I got in the yard, I felt world's better.
I wish I had made more modest goals for myself like just getting outside instead of inviting everyone and their mom over to prove that I was exactly the same just plus one new baby.
*the wicked webs we weave.* With my mom it took years for me to realize that having her 'come and help' was much more emotionally draining than any help that was provided.
yeah my mom came over to help/visit and noted that our fake flowers were out of season. if I could do it all over again I would have hired a postpartum doula so I could get the help without any baggage.
I just read your comment and can 100% identify because that is totally something my mom would say. As soon after I read that I just let out a big sigh.
Also (and now talking about my mom, not saying yours is like this) -- becoming a Mother was a huge trip because all of a sudden I could see her interactions with me and think ‘wow. That lacks empathy.’ And then start wondering ‘has it always been this way?’ That whole process was both painful and liberating
yes! It is really hard and weird to be like "Maybe they didn't know best about everything?" It's like realizing god maybe isn't real.
My baby is 6 1/2 and I was really moved by this. Beautiful writing, Claire.
Just piping in here to say I love this, had me nearly crying in the coffee shop because my husbands sister just had her first and it was so sweet to see her on the other side, after all that waiting.
Nothing like a morning cry into my coffee! This was so well written, thank you.
I teared up at paragraph three. This is so good. Also, so glad for you all that you had Mrs. T.
This is excellent. Thank you!
This was beautiful
This lovely essay reminded me of the sadness I felt when my beloved sixth grade teacher went on maternity leave, something I hadn't thought of in years. Thanks for making space for these feelings <3 I also love how you describe that intangible bittersweetness of the first bit of parenthood. So complicated, so lovely, so hard...
you are doing it exactly right and if those other people do exist they are just tryhard phonies <3