I desperately tried to breastfeed my first baby after a traumatic emergency C-section after which I went into shock. This was in what was called at the time a "baby friendly hospital" in NYC, which meant that they had agreed to "promote" breastfeeding exclusively and did not supply any formula samples, information about formula feeding, etc. If your baby went to the nursery or NICU and was physically capable of breastfeeding, they would bring it to you every few hours around the clock to nurse instead of "allowing" supplementation with formula. But they also did not have any lactation specialists on staff. Nursing "help" was provided, if at all, by the regular, overworked, non-expert nurses. At home, I frantically googled for something that would reassure me that my baby would be fine on formula and found NOTHING. My son would not latch properly, and nursing was so painful that I sobbed through every session. Every time he started stirring and I thought he would need to nurse my anxiety started to build and I sometimes started crying just in anticipation of the pain. I swapped to a pump, which was less (though still) painful, but since I was told that pumping would lead to a poor supply, I woke up every 3 hours around the clock to pump instead of letting my husband swap out some of those feeds. Eventually I started bleeding into the pump. We got an appointment with a private LC (for which I had to pay out of pocket) and when I told her about the blood she said, and I will never, ever forget this: **"oh, that's no problem, a little blood won't hurt the baby."*** I continued pumping and bottle feeding for 4 months, pumping every 3 hours around the clock. Even after all this, when I swapped to formula I felt like a complete failure. (When my second baby was born 6 years later, my husband made me swear that if breastfeeding was at all difficult, I would swap to formula because of how miserable the experience was with my first. I agreed and even bought a can for the pantry so it would be there to remind me of my promise. But this time I had a less traumatic delivery and somehow managed to find a decent LC who diagnosed me with adhesions on my nipples and arranged for my OB to prescribe something; she also gave me explicit permission to use formula if the pain was intolerable. That permission was EVERYTHING. I ultimately ended up breastfeeding my second baby for 18 months. And guess which one has the food allergies?)
Hours after we had our twins the NP told us that with multiples, all the parenting “shoulds” go out the window and that we should just do what works best for us and our family. It was very freeing and I think that is great advice for all parents, not just parents of multiples.❤️
As I live in a defiantly breast-is-best enclave of the USA, and also had access to good healthcare and sensible physicians, it felt very freeing to decide when I was pregnant that I would try to breastfeed but I wouldn't beat myself up or worry if the baby needed formula. It was not poison. I also didn't talk much about this, because it felt like no one's business...just like the rest of my "geriatric" pregnancy at age 42. The first couple of hours and weeks of breastfeeding remain the hardest thing I have ever done and our daughter had formula right away. We did work it out and I sought help and pumped and we did a kind of half-and-half deal. There was no formula shortage, and she lived because of it. But my mom and I discussed how it didn't work for her right after I was born and I got formula and that was the end of it. It's your era and location and privilege that drives what you are "supposed" to do. In the 70s or 80s someone absolutely would have said to me--hon, clearly breastfeeding isn't for you, don't bother.
Have two COVID babies (2020 and 2021) and I think the increased push (and associated guilt) to BF is 1000% amped up by doctors telling us that we should try to get our vax antibodies into our kiddos. With no vaccine on the horizon for my 20 month old or 5 month old, I feel absolutely strapped to my pump because I want them to have COVID protection. Especially my youngest because she had open heart surgery at 2 months old and the guilt around that on its own is bananas. I think COVID isolation + fear + lack of vax for babies makes the pressure to BF so so much worse.
My oldest was tongue tied when he was born; our lactation consultant recommended he get his frenulum snipped. When we told our pediatrician at the time, a big bear of a Russian man, he said "is not required. Is really more for mother's comfort." EXACTLY. [and takes 10 seconds for an infant to get and if you wait & see there can be speech issues/delays or a procedure that requires general anesthesia]
OMG THIS! “ I wish people defending new parents would stop saying “but some mothers have no choice and thus should have the choice” and instead say “Either do something, or shut the fuck up.” “
May 19, 2022·edited May 19, 2022Liked by Claire Zulkey
The "breast is best" message and Ina May's book about unmedicated vaginal childbirth both tortured me, for the birth of both my kids. It's... interesting because it seems both messages originally were a response to the medicalization of birth. The active discouraging of breast-feeding in the case of one and the sedating of the mother that happened in the 1950s so frequently that many women were "under" and didn't remember giving birth at all. In other words, they both came from a place of trying to re-empower mothers, and just ended up somehow getting really twisted into another way to oppress mothers.
Thank you for this. I chose to formula feed my second child after a failed attempt with my first, who I was determined to breastfeed but gave up on after an agonizing two weeks. Even though I strongly believe that prioritizing post partum recovery, mental health, and really just one's own selfhood over breast feeding is a valid choice, I've still struggled with guilt over not attempting to breast feed my second. Reading the "some mothers CAN'T breastfeed" responses to the formula crisis has amplified those feelings. My son is almost 11 months and we'll be transitioning to milk soon, so I won't be affected by the crisis, but what if this wasn't the case? Would I have thought to be deserving of the struggle to feed my child? I used to be optimistic that our culture was headed towards normalizing the choice to formula feed, but those "some mothers can't" responses really make me realize we haven't.
I'm an adoptive mom, and so breast-feeding wasn't really a viable option for me. (Actually, some adoptive moms do try to breastfeed, through a combination of hormone therapy and mechanical stimulation, but it appears to be a PROJECT, and it wasn't one I was prepared to take on while obsessing about whether the adoption would be legally confirmed.) I feel so lucky that I got to "opt out" of that first salvo in the mommy wars! My mom-friends now have a variety of stories about the pressures they faced, and it breaks my heart that basically all of us, for one reason or another, were made to feel like we were somehow Doing It Wrong. Huge hugs to all of you out there--and especially moms who are going through the anxiety of having inadequate formula supply right now. <3
I wanted to direct readers to a few links while this issue seems to be getting some eyeballs:
If you are looking for an abortion fund to support, my friend Anna's fundraiser through The National Network of Abortion Funds supports Midwest women in particular:
Finally, I didn't know that there was such a thing as formula influencers but I'm glad there are! If anyone is looking for formula information/support--
I desperately tried to breastfeed my first baby after a traumatic emergency C-section after which I went into shock. This was in what was called at the time a "baby friendly hospital" in NYC, which meant that they had agreed to "promote" breastfeeding exclusively and did not supply any formula samples, information about formula feeding, etc. If your baby went to the nursery or NICU and was physically capable of breastfeeding, they would bring it to you every few hours around the clock to nurse instead of "allowing" supplementation with formula. But they also did not have any lactation specialists on staff. Nursing "help" was provided, if at all, by the regular, overworked, non-expert nurses. At home, I frantically googled for something that would reassure me that my baby would be fine on formula and found NOTHING. My son would not latch properly, and nursing was so painful that I sobbed through every session. Every time he started stirring and I thought he would need to nurse my anxiety started to build and I sometimes started crying just in anticipation of the pain. I swapped to a pump, which was less (though still) painful, but since I was told that pumping would lead to a poor supply, I woke up every 3 hours around the clock to pump instead of letting my husband swap out some of those feeds. Eventually I started bleeding into the pump. We got an appointment with a private LC (for which I had to pay out of pocket) and when I told her about the blood she said, and I will never, ever forget this: **"oh, that's no problem, a little blood won't hurt the baby."*** I continued pumping and bottle feeding for 4 months, pumping every 3 hours around the clock. Even after all this, when I swapped to formula I felt like a complete failure. (When my second baby was born 6 years later, my husband made me swear that if breastfeeding was at all difficult, I would swap to formula because of how miserable the experience was with my first. I agreed and even bought a can for the pantry so it would be there to remind me of my promise. But this time I had a less traumatic delivery and somehow managed to find a decent LC who diagnosed me with adhesions on my nipples and arranged for my OB to prescribe something; she also gave me explicit permission to use formula if the pain was intolerable. That permission was EVERYTHING. I ultimately ended up breastfeeding my second baby for 18 months. And guess which one has the food allergies?)
Do something or shut the fuck up. How do we make that our national motto?
Hours after we had our twins the NP told us that with multiples, all the parenting “shoulds” go out the window and that we should just do what works best for us and our family. It was very freeing and I think that is great advice for all parents, not just parents of multiples.❤️
As I live in a defiantly breast-is-best enclave of the USA, and also had access to good healthcare and sensible physicians, it felt very freeing to decide when I was pregnant that I would try to breastfeed but I wouldn't beat myself up or worry if the baby needed formula. It was not poison. I also didn't talk much about this, because it felt like no one's business...just like the rest of my "geriatric" pregnancy at age 42. The first couple of hours and weeks of breastfeeding remain the hardest thing I have ever done and our daughter had formula right away. We did work it out and I sought help and pumped and we did a kind of half-and-half deal. There was no formula shortage, and she lived because of it. But my mom and I discussed how it didn't work for her right after I was born and I got formula and that was the end of it. It's your era and location and privilege that drives what you are "supposed" to do. In the 70s or 80s someone absolutely would have said to me--hon, clearly breastfeeding isn't for you, don't bother.
Have two COVID babies (2020 and 2021) and I think the increased push (and associated guilt) to BF is 1000% amped up by doctors telling us that we should try to get our vax antibodies into our kiddos. With no vaccine on the horizon for my 20 month old or 5 month old, I feel absolutely strapped to my pump because I want them to have COVID protection. Especially my youngest because she had open heart surgery at 2 months old and the guilt around that on its own is bananas. I think COVID isolation + fear + lack of vax for babies makes the pressure to BF so so much worse.
My oldest was tongue tied when he was born; our lactation consultant recommended he get his frenulum snipped. When we told our pediatrician at the time, a big bear of a Russian man, he said "is not required. Is really more for mother's comfort." EXACTLY. [and takes 10 seconds for an infant to get and if you wait & see there can be speech issues/delays or a procedure that requires general anesthesia]
OMG THIS! “ I wish people defending new parents would stop saying “but some mothers have no choice and thus should have the choice” and instead say “Either do something, or shut the fuck up.” “
The "breast is best" message and Ina May's book about unmedicated vaginal childbirth both tortured me, for the birth of both my kids. It's... interesting because it seems both messages originally were a response to the medicalization of birth. The active discouraging of breast-feeding in the case of one and the sedating of the mother that happened in the 1950s so frequently that many women were "under" and didn't remember giving birth at all. In other words, they both came from a place of trying to re-empower mothers, and just ended up somehow getting really twisted into another way to oppress mothers.
Thank you for this. I chose to formula feed my second child after a failed attempt with my first, who I was determined to breastfeed but gave up on after an agonizing two weeks. Even though I strongly believe that prioritizing post partum recovery, mental health, and really just one's own selfhood over breast feeding is a valid choice, I've still struggled with guilt over not attempting to breast feed my second. Reading the "some mothers CAN'T breastfeed" responses to the formula crisis has amplified those feelings. My son is almost 11 months and we'll be transitioning to milk soon, so I won't be affected by the crisis, but what if this wasn't the case? Would I have thought to be deserving of the struggle to feed my child? I used to be optimistic that our culture was headed towards normalizing the choice to formula feed, but those "some mothers can't" responses really make me realize we haven't.
This is fantastic
I'm an adoptive mom, and so breast-feeding wasn't really a viable option for me. (Actually, some adoptive moms do try to breastfeed, through a combination of hormone therapy and mechanical stimulation, but it appears to be a PROJECT, and it wasn't one I was prepared to take on while obsessing about whether the adoption would be legally confirmed.) I feel so lucky that I got to "opt out" of that first salvo in the mommy wars! My mom-friends now have a variety of stories about the pressures they faced, and it breaks my heart that basically all of us, for one reason or another, were made to feel like we were somehow Doing It Wrong. Huge hugs to all of you out there--and especially moms who are going through the anxiety of having inadequate formula supply right now. <3
Hi Claire,
I really enjoyed this and it prompted me to write an essay of my own (and have quoted you) on my very new substack; https://deardilate.substack.com/p/americas-formula-shortage-and-is?s=w
Thank you for your essays -I really love your newsletter.
I wanted to direct readers to a few links while this issue seems to be getting some eyeballs:
If you are looking for an abortion fund to support, my friend Anna's fundraiser through The National Network of Abortion Funds supports Midwest women in particular:
https://fund.nnaf.org/fundraiser/3792083
while Indigenous Women Rising fund supports Indigenous and undocumented people:
https://www.iwrising.org/abortion-fund
Finally, I didn't know that there was such a thing as formula influencers but I'm glad there are! If anyone is looking for formula information/support--
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/stephaniemcneal/baby-formula-shortage-influencers