Spiteful gifts for kids whose parents you want to troll

farts for farts

Question from a witch I saw online:

What do I buy for my rich nine-year-old nephew who has absolutely everything? Also, nothing we do is perfect enough for my brother's wife.

Some friends helpfully offered some thoughtful ideas for legitimately nice/cool presents, but I much preferred suggestions for the most annoying gifts for an annoying kid with annoying parents:

“A bag of candy that his mom doesn't let him eat?”

“A donation to some cause they probably hate in your nephew's name”

“A harmonica.”

“Whoopie cushion”

“A box of Whoopie cushions.”

“A sound effects toy”

“I always do a gift card to a local indie bookstore. FUUUUUCKKK YOOOOOUUUU!”

So I asked for more ideas on Twitter. Here are a sampling. Please use this information wisely. With great power comes great responsibility.

Flannery Dean @Flannsplainer

@TheEvilWitches Originally felt very earnest on this topic but sharing the most annoying toy my son was ever given and that I have ongoing personal vendetta against bc it beeps and boops on ITS OWn. I hate BB8 so much and he’s buried in my basement now

Flannery Dean @Flannsplainer

@TheEvilWitches Minions fart gun is another thing I’ve hidden in rage

Susan Courtney @sdec

@TheEvilWitches a giant box full of ping pong balls. The will be finding them for years

Heather & Jessica @fuggirls

@TheEvilWitches Two words: Poop Toss offthewagonshop.com/products/doody…

Emily H @EmilyGHickey

@TheEvilWitches

threadless.comThe Communist Party | Threadless Artist Shop″This is a design with famous historical Communists partying. I think it’s the Solo cups that really sell it.″<br><br>-- Artist Tom Burns, on the The Communist Party design.

Rebecca Frank @frankrebecca

@TheEvilWitches Joke books full of fart jokes.

Christina Rentz @christinamerge

@TheEvilWitches Definitely something LOUD. Hungry, Hungry Hippo? Mousetrap? Gift card to Great Wolf Lodge for like $20?

Erin @Erinses6

@TheEvilWitches Random VHS tapes (workout tapes, a single tape meant to be part of a series, a useless business course, whenever you can find at Goodwill or a thrift store,) and nothing to play them on.

Noelle @kappakappawong

@TheEvilWitches The grossest game you can find. Might I suggest this one: Goliath New & Improved Doggie Doo - Squeeze The Leash Poop The Food Game, Brown

a.coAmazon.com: Goliath New & Improved Doggie Doo - Squeeze The Leash Poop The Food Game, Brown : Pet SuppliesAmazon.com: Goliath New & Improved Doggie Doo - Squeeze The Leash Poop The Food Game, Brown : Pet Supplies

Margaret LaFleur @Margosita

@TheEvilWitches I am going to go ahead and assume rich parents are Republicans and then the answer is something like a Joe Biden bobblehead or similar.

AndreaMarie @MsAndreaMarie_

@TheEvilWitches Something noisy like drums or messy like colourful sand

August Spies @augustspies181

@TheEvilWitches Box full of those screaming rubber chickens. Wrap them tight and individually so that when he opens them they let loose with the song of their people.

Hilary Woodward @hcwoodward

@TheEvilWitches A video game for a system they don't own.

terri's cold 🀩 @terricoles_

@TheEvilWitches My aunt once got me a kids' pottery set, complete with wheel. Very splatter-y! I loved it, my mother hated it so much that she still talks about it 30 years later

Ines Bellina @ibwrites

@TheEvilWitches You’re never too young for the “rich-kid-becomes-radicalized-as-form-of-rebellion-pipeline.” I’d start off with a copy of “The Open Veins of Latin America” myself.

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End credits

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The Evil Witches archives live here. A few to peruse include what it means to “take care of yourself” during hard times, you’re not a bad mom if you find the hard parts of parenting (like sleep training) hard, organizing thoughts for real people, and maybe relevant for those of us taking our kids to public places and family things the next few weeks, credit for trying.

This is the last free newsletter of 2022: I hope you can grab some peace and/or pleasure over the next few weeks. Talk to you sometime in January!

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One witchy thing

From the book “Second Born Lunatics:”