Subscriber issue: How to force your children to tell you about their schoolday through mind games and trickery

and surgery

Hope you’re not one of those parents whose kids come home and tell you nothing about their day. If you do, that’s sad, for you and for them. It’s a sign that they don’t trust you, don’t know how to talk to adults, are too scared to tell you about something bad that happened at school that you can fix, and also that they are in danger of forming an attachment disorder.

All good parents have conversations daily with their children about their school days, learning about what occurred socially, academically, emotionally, and also what they ate and their bathroom usage.

If you’re not such a good parent and need some tips on how to get your children to talk to you about their schoolday in a way that’s like a full forced confession, but a happy one, here you go:

• Don’t say “How was your day?” to them like a basic bitch. If you say that you’ve nearly lost them forever and you are unbelievably uncreative, like did you ever play pretend when you were a child or do you just dream in black and white?

• Don’t speak first when your child comes home. Look deep into their eyes and if they don’t start spontaneously telling you details about their time at school it’s possibly because you didn’t do skin to skin contact or breastfeed or vaccinated too early or put them in the wrong grade but keep staring, keep staring until they talk.