How to force your children to tell you about their schoolday through mind games and trickery
and surgery
Hope you’re not one of those parents whose kids come home and tell you nothing about their day. If you do, that’s sad, for you and for them. It’s a sign that they don’t trust you, don’t know how to talk to adults, are too scared to tell you about something bad that happened at school that you can fix, and also that they are in danger of forming an attachment disorder.
All good parents have conversations daily with their children about their school days, learning about what occurred socially, academically, emotionally, and also what they ate and their bathroom usage.
If you’re not such a good parent and need some tips on how to get your children to talk to you about their schoolday in a way that’s like a full forced confession, but a happy one, here you go:
Don’t say “How was your day?” to them like a basic bitch. If you say that you’ve nearly lost them forever and you are unbelievably uncreative, like did you ever play pretend when you were a child or do you just dream in black and white?
Don’t speak first when your child comes home. Look deep into their eyes and if they don’t start spontaneously telling you details about their time at school it’s possibly because you didn’t do skin to skin contact or breastfeed or vaccinated too early or put them in the wrong grade but keep staring, keep staring until they talk.
If you have more than one child make sure they know that there is a good chance you will love the sibling who tells you more school details the most.
Children are mean so ask them questions that appeal to their judgmental side. Ask who had ugly shoes, who seemed like they couldn’t get their shit together and was a hopeless mess, if anybody got in trouble or said something embarrassing. Laugh and high five them to encourage this type of discussion in the future.
Tell them you paid the custodian to install secret video cameras in their classroom and that you can view the footage at any time to confirm whether or not they’re lying about what they tell you. If they ask if you’ve installed cameras on other parts of the house just say you’ve said too much already.
You might regret asking your child about their day because they may end up telling you all about it and you’ll realize you would rather be doing something else. If you make this realization about yourself you probably need to spend less time being selfish and more time enjoying listening to children.
If your child expresses a grievance against a classmate or teacher, thank them for telling you, make a plan for how you will extract your combined revenge, and tell them this is a good lesson in how other people are just out there to screw you and make it seem like things are your fault when they aren’t.
There is a chance your child may tell you something about school that may paint them in an unflattering light. Learn to not-respond with zero level of indifference when they do this, so as not to indicate you do not approve, which will mean they’ll never tell you anything again.
Your child not yet being verbal is not an excuse for them not to tell you how their day was at daycare or while they were sleeping. Again, if you are a good mom, you will know.
The following are some good prompts if you still can’t come up with anything:
“Did you think about death and/or dying while at school today? Why or why not?”
“What did you do today to get yourself further along your career path?”
“If we were going to take the day off tomorrow and do anything you want, what would you do? What would you eat? What would you watch? Where would you go? What would you be missing at school if we happened to be taking a surprise trip to Disney World leaving the house at 6 AM to catch a 7:30 AM flight to Orlando? We are not going to do this, it’s just a thought experiment, but what if?
“Who is the messiest eater at lunch and how have you worked to break down their self-esteem? If it is you, on whom have you deflected?”
“Do any of your classmates tell you that their parents are fighting? Who is it? Find out what they are fighting about and tell me.”
“Who was the biggest bitch in class today?”
Resist the urge to think that your children owe you the simple consideration of speaking to you just because you do everything for them and facilitate their entire life. It’s not that they should speak to their mothers out of common decency. Good mothers know that it is a privilege to have a child speak to them so if you receive a tiny tidbit of information, even if it’s them telling you their teacher’s name when you knew that already, receive it with gratitude. It is wisdom they are sharing and if you indicate that it is you who are in their debt, they will not be weirded out by this but instead realize you are finally worthy of their time.
Find a mother who does speak to her children about their day. Watch her closely. Learn her habits. Learn her schedule. Then, when no one is around, drug her and take her to your secret surgery room lair where one of your trained henchmen can remove her face and your face and switch them and then that bitch can talk to your kids for you.
Have fun while you do all this. Childhood is so fleeting.
If these tips fail to elicit at least a 20 minute honest, distraction-free conversation where both of your child’s buttocks are on a seat at all times, call your pediatrician and leave a message with the answering service. Also email the principal and CC: your child’s teacher.
End credits
I hope you enjoyed this subscriber-only issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. If you know someone who could would for some reason find this issue humorous, feel free to forward it along, but please encourage them to subscribe!
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On Monday, I am interviewing the professional organizer my friend Alissa mentioned in this issue a few weeks ago. Do you have any questions for me to pass along to her that you have that you think other witches might also benefit from? In addition to general organizing, Hanna has expertise in working with the bereaved, the elderly and those who have hoarding tendencies, with an emphasis on eco-friendly materials and re-purposing current items. Feel free to leave any questions below or reply directly to this issue.
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One witchy thing
A friend posted online:
Ps also yesterday my son’s teacher told me she told the kids she’s having a baby. I asked him, “did Mrs. T tell you anything interesting today?” “No.” “About herself?” “No.” “Nothing? No big news???” “Oh yeah…”
Useless.
Yesterday pre-K called to tell us our son got stung by a bee (his first time!). When my husband picked him up at the end of day he was like, “How was your day? Did anything … interesting happen?” And our kid didn’t even tell him about the bee at first even though it later became clear he was obsessed with this happening and maybe also had a personal vendetta against the bee (he’s a Scorpio). Also at bedtime he suddenly started telling me that his friend accidentally kicked him in the crotch and some kid smacked another kid in the face and there was blood. So it was a big day! I’m sure his teacher is glad they are all moving on to kindergarten imminently.