Teachers are some of the last people we should expect to be parents

Leave them alone!

Sep 30, 2024

I’ve been thinking about how a certain politician expressed faux concern over whether it’s weird when teachers don’t have their own kids.

Bitch… nobody should have to have kids but especially teachers. I can’t imagine what it’s like to work with kids all day and then come home and have to have the energy to do it all again for the rest of the evening/weekend.

In honor of exhausted teacher-parents, I’m brushing off an interview I did with some teacher moms in the early days of this newsletter when it was on Wix, and the subscriber numbers were probably in the three digits max. Just keep their experiences in mind the next time you meet a childfree teacher and wonder why they don’t have kids (which I know you probably wouldn’t do anyway if you already read this newsletter, but still.) This is but the thinnest slice of the teacher-parent experience, but I hope it is a little insightful.

How did becoming a parent change how you teach or see kids?

A: (preschool): All of the years of teaching before kids, I was like “These boys are coming in with their bedhead and super short pants. My kids will never be like that.” I judged so many parents. My kids’ pants are mid-shin now, and the last thing I care about is brushing their hair.

How did becoming a parent change how you see your students’ parents?

A: I now think, “I have to tell you something amazing about your kid.” From the teacher’s side, I used to be like, “Well, this is what I’m telling you,” and now, if I’m about to tell them something negative, I realize, “This sucks, you’ll be really hurt by this.”

How did teaching inform how you view parenting in general?

H: (Speech Language Pathologist, formerly in a first-grade classroom): White upper-middle class boys in particular are smart; they can ask and answer questions, they can tell you about dinosaurs and thermodynamics—but then it’d be time to clean up, and all my little Latina students would get a broom, but Hudson would have his head on the desk looking out the window. He was like, “Martina’s cleaning up for me!” This made me determined to teach my children to have some basic manners, coping, and life skills.

K: (third grade): I have more perspective than my husband on what’s normal for a 7 year old. He gets so mad at our son because he doesn’t want to make his lunch or clean up when he’s told. I’m like, “That’s what most 7-year-olds do.”

How do you maintain enough energy to teach children and then parent?

S (high school): I work close to where I live and have my kids in aftercare, so I can go exercise and have a break in between. I cannot help them with homework. That’s why my daughter’s recent project was so crappy.

K: Coming home to kids after working with them all day is freaking brutal. I used to have a really long commute and now it is only 10 minutes, which is great, but I do miss the time to come down and regroup. In addition, my older son is now in my school. He was coming right into my classroom after school, sometimes even overlapping with my students. I could not even breathe for a moment between teaching and parenting, so I increased his aftercare. It’s more expensive, but even my husband was like, “Something’s got to give.” By the time it got to 7 pm, I wanted to to kill everyone because I’d been with kids all day.

We also have a secret code when either of us is about to lose it: “I need the dark cave.” It’s a grownup time out. Shut the door, turn the lights off, pull out your phone, do what you want for 15-20, a half an hour. Do what you need to do so you don’t explode on the kids, or each other.

What have you picked up from the classroom has helped you at home?

K: The power of positive reinforcement. Kids respond so well to it, and I learned to do it at home. It’s really easy to get on the nag train—if you can point out something good they did, they’re much more likely to do it the next time. For every negative interaction, one positive goes a lot further in terms of getting the behavior you want. When we get into a bad cycle, we start a “Noodle Jar.” A dry noodle goes in the jar each time my kid does something remotely good, and we say, “Thank you for…” That’s it. No punishments, no big deal, just a thank you for something simple. Once the jar is full he gets to pick an outing with a parent. It’s effective for parents too—it forces you to notice the good things too, even while you say, “Thank you for not hitting your brother with that bat,” through gritted teeth.

How did parenting change how you teach?

S: I used to send emails home, and I’d contact the mom, not the dad.

K: I give so much less homework than I used to, now that I know it’s such a pain in the ass as a parent. I’ve seen some research that states pretty clearly that before 5th grade, homework can actually be harmful to students. It can be a struggle, which makes them feel negative about school, and it takes away from time doing other things kids need to do, like run around and play. Where I work, parents take homework really seriously, which is great, but then they get into these huge battles with their kids, and the kids come in and they are miserable because they had a terrible night. Now that I know what a battle it is to get ANYTHING done between 5-7 pm, let alone confusing homework, I try to keep it minimal.

Does your spouse sympathize with you that you’re getting it at both ends, at work and at home?

A: It’s like, “We take it seriously but also we kind of think it’s a joke.” The way it comes across to me is like, “You’re home by 4. Why don’t you do all these other things at home?”

K: My husband had no idea what my day was like until he came to school to pick me up once. He sat in the back for the last hour or so. His perspective changed completely. He walked out and was like, “I need a drink and a nap.” He kept saying, “They just kept saying your name over and over again.”

What do you wish more parents understood about teachers?

K: First, I am a human. And a mom. And I’m not crazy. If your kid comes home and says something that I said, and it sounds crazy, DON’T BELIEVE THEM. Give me the benefit of the doubt before you get all up in arms—chances are it was a misunderstanding.

Are bigger kids much easier to handle than littler kids?

S: There is an expression I learned in grad school that rings true: Toddlers and teenagers need you the most. I get to work at 8, and until I leave at 4, I’m nonstop needed. I’m needed all day long, and I’m needed after that, still.

Does teaching prepare you well for motherhood?

K: Fuck no! Nothing prepares you for that shit.

H: I wasn’t prepared for my own lovely children to freak out for no reason. It is disheartening to think, “I’m so great with other people’s kids,” and I just don’t have it for my own.

What advice do you have for classroom teachers about to become mothers?

A: If you are taking some amount of time off and you don’t feel at all ready to go back, don’t go back. Don’t push it. It would be a huge disaster, emotionally.

Also, back off your own kids’ teacher. What are you getting out of picking at them, trying to give them your expertise? You know it’s a hard job. You know, hopefully, that they’re trying to do their best.

K: If you can help it, don’t change schools/grades/jobs right before or after you have a baby. It’s hard enough to come back to a place where you’re comfortable and you know what you are doing. I started a new job when my youngest was only 8 months old and it was brutal. I was pumping in a closet, navigating a new curriculum, and trying to set up a new classroom, all while still up 1-2 times a night. I love my job now, but that first year was a mess.

H: I remember a parent told me she had been a public school teacher and then became an ER doctor. She was like, “I needed something less intense!”

Balancing Act Variety GIF by The Ed Sullivan Show

A helpful (really!) tool for teachers and parents

We got an email from school a few weeks into the school year from my kid’s teacher because he had not been killing it in the not-being-distracting/distracted department and she wanted advice on how to help him succeed (he has ADHD, combined type.) I was joking/lamenting about the “bad boi emails starting early” to some witches when an amazing genius friend of mine shared a template that she sends to her kid’s teacher at the start of the school year. (I took off identifying details here.)

I sent it to my son’s teacher and she asked if she could send it to all the teacher’s in my kid’s unit and said that she wished all parents would write something like this up. So I figured, let’s spread the word. The nice thing is that this can apply to kids of all ages (my friend’s son is a freshman in high school) and it’s a good exercise for parents to remember not just where their kids need help but also to reflect on their strengths, especially at the end of the summer when you haven’t been thinking about the classroom. Hope it’s useful to a few of you out there.

End credits

Thanks for reading Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. This issue is for everyone: feel free to share it if you think someone would like it.

New here? Here’s what the newsletter is all about. Our Instagram, curated by Carly O., lives here. You can find the Evil Witches archives here. I’ve been thinking about ghosting lately as the spooky season nears so here’s an old piece on times Evil Witches have been ghosted or ghosted someone. 👻

✏️ Hot deal! ✏️ If you’re a teacher/paraprofessional (high school and younger) and want to get the paid subscription benefits but can’t swing it, through October 10 if you reply to this email with your LinkedIn profile or screenshot of your ID or link to your online job title somewhere (you get the picture—and I will not share this info) I’ll comp you a six month subscription (or extend your current subscription if you’re already a paid reader.)

If aren’t yet a paid subscriber and you found any aspect of this email or the links buried within interesting, helpful, comforting, inspiring or funny — or want to support this teacher deal with your own subscription— I hope you consider becoming a subscriber at a level that works for you to support this independent long-running work, if just for a month.