The last days of pre-porn

My baby! My sweet innocent baby

When my kid started baseball this year I realized that, as excited as I was to relinquish them from lockdown, it was harder than I expected to send my children back out into the world, especially since kids my older one’s age can run the gamut so much on sophistication. The last time I sent my kid over to a friend’s house to play inside unsupervised they were seven-year-olds without screens of their own. But they’re 9 now, and before too long, the kids will be vaccinated, hanging out with way less oversight, and someone is going to show someone some porn. It’s a fact, but some days I let it consume me and bum me out or freak me out.

I understand kids learn about sex and I am fine with having that series of discussions, but I am not a porn person. I ran into it a few times when I was an adolescent and it just turned me off forever. I have friends who are into porn and I even envy them a little for having that outlet, but because it’s not my thing I don’t know what’s out there and that’s terrifying. I hear details now and then that only confirms my desire to not engage with it.

I wanted to know how much is reasonable to worry about my kids’ future interactions with porn and what I can actually control about this eventuality, so I reached out to sexual health educator Amy Lang, whom I interviewed once for a story about talking to your kids about sex (for a Catholic publication!)

Will I ever feel less anxious about my kids’ future interactions with porn? Is this normal?

The anxiety is not going to go away. The only thing you can control is what’s happening in your own household. That's the place where you'll have the most control.

He will see it. Nobody makes it to 18 without seeing it. The average age of exposure is 9. It will happen soon. Whether or not he’s immature or whatever, it doesn’t matter and so the best defense is an offense. 

The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to have parental controls and monitoring installed on every single device your kiddo can access the internet on. It can be a lot of places and so if you limit the places he can get online to tablets, school computers, it makes it a lot easier on you. Most parents aren’t doing this. “My sweet child would never!” And they’ll Google “boobs.”

You want to get ahead of it. He absolutely has to know what sex is and people do it for fun and pleasure. That helps with explaining that sometimes people post videos and make videos of people having sex. Or you can say “There are videos of naked people and it’s called ‘pornography’ or ‘porn.’ It’s not for kids, because sex isn’t for kids, like wine and caffeine.” And so that’s something they can understand that some things are not for kids. And then, talk to him about what he does when he sees it. “It can be confusing and scary. Stop looking at it, come find me or other safe adults and let them know.”

When it comes to school devices, assume they’re not monitored, and if they are, they’re not monitored well. Spot check—go look, go see what your kids have been doing. I’ve seen a client who realized his 9-year-old was toggling back between school and porn from September to February. Granted, this is extreme and he was accidentally logged into his mom’s Gmail account. It was up to them to put the restrictions on his Gmail account. You’d never let your kid get in the car without a car seat or a booster or a seatbelt because it’s dangerous. Monitoring the parental controls are the seatbelt of internet. We want to think our kids wouldn’t be interested in this. by the reality is, they are, just like you were.

Maybe I am prudish but I feel like there is “normal” porn, like kids merely discovering sex, but then, I just saw this piece saying that sexually violent pornography is being promoted to first-time users of top sites. Or that that as Peggy Orenstein notes, adolescents who frequently use porn turn out to be more likely than others to believe its images are realistic. I worry not just about the porn but that they’ll see something violent and it will either terrify or compel them.  

There is no idea of “normal porn” when it comes to kids. It’s all too graphic and too much. There are degrees: there is porn that is violent, that is degrading to women, and the industry is bad for a whole lot of folks who are involved in it. What kids will find is not ethical porn. You have to pay for ethical porn. When I say “ethical,” it’s feminist, you have to pay to see it, and the actors are treated with respect. The vast majority of porn is not like that. You can say things like “Sometimes people are really mean to each other, they’re hurting each other. That's not OK. It’s not safe for people to see that.” As they get older, you can explain that it’s misogynistic, not reality, and talk more about the industry.

It’s good to have an exposure plan. Part of the plan is telling your kid, “If you see this, you will not be in trouble.” Lots of parents freak out, “How the hell can you do this?” Again, natural curiosity: a kid sends them a link and they click on the link. Why wouldn’t they click on the link?

Now, there’s a difference between monitoring and parental controls. Monitoring means you’re watching what the kids do online. Parental controls search terms and things like that. When they’re younger, you can have tighter parental controls.

The parental controls are the booster seat. Later they graduate to the front seat and driving. The monitoring stays on as they get older, you let up the parental controls. around they’re 11 or 12 they should be able to go anywhere on the internet, but you’re always watching. I would block porn and some sexually related search terms if that feels better to you. In middle school, they should go anywhere they want but they know you’re watching.

By the time they’re 17/18, you gotta watch to make sure they’re not using it compulsively, but it’s harder to monitor stuff. If you’re doing your work, you’re talking about the trouble with porn and talking openly about sexuality and have good resources and are sex educated, then they’re more likely to use it responsibly and also less likely to get hooked into it. And most kids don’t. Most kids don’t use it compulsively. Most kids are like “That's gross,” but there's a point around 13, 14, 15, they’re like “Oh yeah.”

What do I do if my kid tells me his friend showed him porn? Do I tell their parents?

Yes. “Hey, I need to talk to you. I feel uncomfortable but I’d want to know if this was mine. Your kid showed my kid porn.” They might be defensive. There might be finger-pointing: “He showed me,” “No, he showed me.” It just means they were together and Googled “sex.” Be kind, and say “This is what we’ve talked about with our kids.” You can say, “We started using Circle (or Bark or Qustido) because we worried about this exact thing happening.” Then stop talking.

And then, your kid can’t go to that kid’s house until they have started using some sort of monitoring/parental controls. You can say to parents, “Hey just wondering, what are you doing for monitoring?” If they say “We use blah blah blah,” you’re good to go. If they say “Well, you know, we just spot check” or “They’re fine,” you can say, “Well, this is really important to our family and while our kiddos are there, we’re going to ask that they’re not online.” As they get older, everything changes, they all have phones. Although no one needs a phone until the 8th grade.

Part of what causes my anxiety is that I am not into porn so I have no idea even what I’m scared of but I don’t want to look. How much do I need to educate myself about what my kids might see?

If you haven’t, just Google “sex” and go see. You need to see what they’re going to see. You don’t need to go poke around and find hardcore stuff because you know it’s there and that’s where you talk about it, it can be really scary and violent and upsetting. It’s not a one-and-done conversation. In middle school, their friends are watching ‘Hey, check this out!” Your kid needs to be prepared with an exit plan like “I think that looking at porn is a solo activity” or “What the hell?” or “What are you doing?” or having a video they like at the ready, saying “Oh yeah? Check this out.”

A word of warning: A lot of kids are watching anime now. A lot of it is super duper soft corn porn. A mom told me her 10-year-old was into anime called “High School DXD.” It is gross and hilarious. It’s women with these giant boobs. They’re standing still and all of a sudden the boobs will just shake. There’s lots of upskirt, and it’s very sexual. Parents think anime is safe, but it’s not necessarily.

It's all about preparation. You’re fooling yourself if you think they won't see porn. They will see it. To be clear; most kids see it and walk away. They’re not into it. Especially young kids. But as they get older, they use porn for sex education. Get the monitoring.

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I hope you enjoyed this issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. If you have had an experience with your kids accessing porn you think will be helpful or of comfort to other witches, hit up the comments section.

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