my husband does most of the pickups and dropoffs and I only do them if he absolutely can't. He says he likes getting out of the house and I think he likes tooling around in his pickup truck. Beep beep.
What I really love about this piece is that it very clearly IS NOT about how women should do less and their partners/men should do more. I so rarely see the blanket advice of “do less” without increasing expectations of people you share a life with.
My husband, too, is the tooth fairy in our house. We agreed that he needed to it because he is less clumsy and lighter on his feet and therefore less likely to wake up a sleeping child.
In typing this out, I just realized that I think I achieved weaponized incompetence. Yay for me!
same! I do not agree with how generous the tooth fairy is when we are not at home with the "specific" coins, but also, I am not responsible, so I don't say a word.
It's wild to me that people so passionately follow rules that are entirely arbitrary. And in fact, will take time out of their days to publicly criticize people who don't follow those rules.
No. One. Knows. If. Your. Underwear. Has. Creases. It's _under_ your other clothes! That's why they call it underwear!
Anyway. I don't do any of the silly "boosterthon" activities for school. Everyone seems to have forgotten that the whole point is raising funds for new playground equipment or whatever. Now it is this performative series of rituals we parents need to do-- bake sale, fall fun fair, charity walk, etc. Now they've added social media and video campaigns. I refuse to know what a "dude perfect" is. I still have dignity. So instead, I write a big fat check and ignore all calls to participate in my own ritual abasement.
my mom told me she thinks it's 'sad' people don't iron anymore. OK?? Sorry to let you down? (Also I don't really own clothes that need to be ironed anyway.)
Something I was proud of when my kids did a booster thon thing that sent home stupid "prizes" we didn't ask for was change our home address to that of the local Goodwill. Save me a trip.
My mom used to say passive aggressive things about how she ironed our clothes when we were small and I said "I'm really sorry you felt pressured to spend your time that way."
I’m listening to Lisa Damour’s (excellent!) book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. This isn’t part of the “official” educational part of the book, but my favorite line so far is, “I hope your bags are packed, looks like we’re going on a guilt trip!”
my dad still can't get over the fact that I never got up on water skis. I started lying to him and said "I did it thanks to your advice. I just sat back like it was a chair. It was so fun!"
Fun fact: there's no requirement that a signature on a check or any other legal document is in cursive! Your signature can be whatever you want! Including just your name in print!
So, a few weeks ago I was in a waiting room and overheard some teenagers stressing about how to have a signature with minimal cursive instructions. I dropped a bomb that they could start their capital W from the top and that they could really do whatever they want since signatures are made up anyway.
If it helps, my kid had 2 years of cursive in elementary school (old school teachers FTW) but never really learned it and he can’t even read it. I remember struggling mightily to remember how to do it when I had to write and sign some kind of oath when taking the LSAT I think, a million years ago (and I was drilled in it for years). Cursive is for the birds (and those with beautiful penmanship).
We signed up for Trunk or Treat (last year theme was Holly Jolly Halloween and it was a mashup of Xmas and Halloween because I refused to do/buy anything extra)... had an email last night from the organizer of this year to inquire about our theme and had the pleasure of telling her that the theme is... Halloween. And bless, her response was like, "well that makes sense, it is Halloween after all". So I do the bare minimum of shit at the school when it's things that are easy enough.
I don't own anything that really needs ironing, my husband wfh, and my kids are kids so I maybe ironed 2-3 times a year at most, but for picture day I bought my 10 y.o. a collared shirt that looked wonky after washing so I taught him to do it! And he loved it! Very "satisfying," his favorite word right now.
I didn't even mention ironing because it's so far out of my mind haha. I do iron an occasional rayon dress for myself. But this is great to know that next year my kid can learn to iron his own shirt (for like once a year that he wears a collared shirt) if he wants to. My husband has probably not worn an ironed shirt to work in his entire career (how long we've been together lol).
Rayon is the worst! I have found that squirting my one and only rayon blouse with water makes the wrinkles magically disappear without a need to search for that damn ironing board. I try to do it ahead of time, but if it’s warm out it doesn’t really matter.
My mom said she thinks it’s nice that clothes are made of fabric that isn’t so wrinkly now! We definitely toss stuff back in the dryer to unwrinkle it but my husband is the only one who knows how to iron a dress shirt well. He irons like once a year if he doesn’t get a shirt dry cleaned. But his coaching uniform is a school branded soccer polo and athletic shorts so there’s not much dressing up around here!
I don’t iron anymore. My mom always did because she was a young mom and didn’t want to give anyone any way to judge her when we were little. My daughter wears leggings and basic shirts, and my uniform doesn’t really wrinkle (I have to wear certain shirts for my job as an infant teacher). My husband’s a police officer and I will hang his uniforms up to keep the creases looking good, but it’s a weird fabric that really doesn’t wrinkle.
Same. Our new PTO board listened to feedback that fewer, more coordinated fundraisers (with specifically NO Boosterthon - 🤬) would be better. They figured out how much we needed per kid and gave it to us straight. I covered my kids plus $100, let my kids know, and am D O N E with any sort of “donate now and your kid gets a piece of pre-trash plastic thing!” fundraiser that may arise later.
Ooh I can’t wait to read the comments on this one (and decide what needs to be dropped next). I don’t do laundry. Period. When my husband is away traveling, he does it before he leaves and also provides written instructions on how to operate the machine should I need it (and my toddler lets me know when I’m not doing it like daddy). This is one of my greatest marital victories.
Oooh I love him doing it before he leaves. That's the inverse of my friend who used to cook extra before she left town in case her husband couldn't figure it out (I think/hope she quit doing that)
I own an iron. BUT I am a quilter and it is an expensive and fancy iron, and you are not allowed to touch it unless you are given explicit permission and know how to use it properly!! It falls under the same category as fabric scissors and everyone in the house (except maybe the 20 month old) knows this and respects it under pain of death.
PAJAMAS. they're a scam!! our toddler wears tomorrow's clothes to sleep. 1/2 the laundry, 1/2 the "please hurry up and get dressed" friction. I know that one day we will have to start wearing sleep-specific clothing, but not soon.
I cringed looking at a FB post where I acted like I was b a n a n a s for letting my toddler sleep in Halloween pj's three weeks before Halloween. Instead of ONLY on Halloween.
YES! my kids wear the clothes they're going to wear the next day. they only want to wear athletic clothes anyway, so they're just as comfortable as pj's!
I am the stay at home mom but I am also a teaching artist and a fiber artist (quilter) in general. So like my actual job description includes doing more household/family maintenance now than it did when I worked. Back before kids. But both sahm and artist are roles that will fill every single second of time they can find available to them, so I follow the rules of PBS famous quilter Liz Porter (also famous mother of white board wielding congressperson Katie Porter) and do my art/quilt stuff first. I prioritize it more than (or at least as much as) laundry and meals and house keeping. If I didn’t, I would almost never get to it. It is also my job. My husband contributes quite a bit and when I start to feel guilty that he is the breadwinner and the main vacuumer (or whatever), I think of it as “reclaiming female time” an act of freedom for me but also for my daughter’s future and also for other women who might be influenced by me to reclaim their time.
the way I nodded at “But both sahm and artist are roles that will fill every single second of time they can find available to them”— that’s the thing, isn’t it? Black holes of need, both roles.
For a long time I felt like I needed to get my dayjob work done before the kids got home so I could focus on up our family shit but lately my brain doesn't want to do a certain kind of work until a few hours after lunch. I've given up feeling like there's something wrong about me doing my work when they're home. It's not like they rush home from school desperate to spend time with mommy anyway.
I don’t cook (including school lunch) or go to the grocery store!!! My husband is a great cook who enjoys it, and why would I buy food I don’t know what to do with? I don’t wrap presents either because, again, it’s not my strong suit. I stopped folding underwear ages ago. My 8 year old purposefully just jams all her clothes in her drawers and I don’t care. I think it’s a small bit of autonomy she appreciates. Jam on, sister.
yes!! I know some people do like having nicely done underwear drawers but that is not me. Also someone said she enjoyed how I didn't gaf about having matched socks. Hello? They were both Bombas so they matched to me.
I honestly can't believe there are people out there that fold underwear haha. No hate to those that do, I just can't imagine it staying in that state very long in my house.
I remember InStyle magazine really trying hard to convince me every month I needed a lingerie wardrobe and it should be displayed like a lingerie store.
My husband does the cooking and the buying of food, too! He loves it! I usually have to cook once a week, but I weasel around that by doing things like "Toast Night" or Carbonara which only takes one pan and 7 minutes.
My kids do their own laundry (after constant reminders from me, but still) and I just discovered that my 10yo doesn't match his socks. I don't think I can let this one stand.
Oh it's magical! I was inspired by the Rainbow Rowell book Slow Dance. I got a loaf of nice, sliced bread at the local bakery and then I offered a smorgasbord of leftovers and pantry staples and toad in the hole to my kids. The only prep was whipped ricotta which is freaking delicious.
When I was a kid we’d have FFY (fend for yourself) if my dad was out of town. Sometimes we do it now on Fridays when the adults are just - over it. The kids make themselves bagels, last time I ate chips and salsa. Worked for me!
My kids are in 8th & 11th grade and sometime in the last 2 years or so, we just stopped getting up with them in the morning or doing anything for them in the morning. They get themselves up & out the door on time without any daily prep from us. On WFH days, we are often waving goodbye to them from bed.
I have successfully managed to teach (train? lol) my 9 and 10 year olds to get changed, do chores and make their breakfasts in the am (screens are the bribe, let me be clear) and it has leveled up my personal happiness a LOT.
That’s my goal. I put this on the list and then took it off out of shame but I don’t make the kids brush their teeth in the mornings (my husband is Mr. “put off the dentist until you need a double root canal.” so I can’t put it on him). I know I should but they’ve gotten away with no cavities thus far. My older kid magically got some autonomy and started taking care of himself more. It makes me mad how much the 9 year old enjoys being a baby still. You’ve been up for 2 hours and you didn’t think to make yourself breakfast??
We don’t require morning brushing either and last week my 8yo got in a heated discussion with the dentist about why she could not possibly. She flosses every night. She brushes every night but fucking terribly because we aren’t fighting that battle.
My 7 yo finally started brushing his teeth in the morning without drama this year but my 5 yo won’t and I don’t press it. Being awake and going to school at 7:20 is already rough for him every day, he hasn’t had any problems with his teeth yet! On school days my oldest is very independent but soccer Saturday has been tough bc he gets a little too relaxed and thinks they have forever to eat breakfast, get dressed and watch tv and it’s like 1-1.5 hours total.
My 9 year old also will not get himself breakfast. Definitely something to work on. Luckily my husband always does it. Payback for the first 3 years when I was always the one up at 5 am.
This life is so good. I have a 14 and 13 year old, and they do mornings on their own as well. They are up at 6:30, and even though I'm up, I let them do breakfast and whatnot on their own before I come downstairs after 7:00. If they see me, they want me, so I just take my slow ass time. I have tea on my own, get some sort of morning stretch or workout in, and then we all hop in the car, and I take them to school. It's such a good flow, and only started to happen because I accidentally overslept a few days after some terrible jetlag. Reminds me that we have no idea what we are all capable of if we are stuck in our ruts all the time.
Exactly! A hundred (7?) years ago I read a book called Duct Tape Parenting which advised to just take a week off to see what your kids are capable of. I didn’t do this (could not deal with the mess and assured influx of bugs) but do nothing for my 7 & 10 yo in the morning but say “we’re leaving in 7 minutes.” They eat school lunch, I let them wear whatever uniform top/bottom combo they get into (truly, you’d think the 10 yo would notice if a size 5 shirt feels a leeeetle tight for comfort), and I only talk about brushing hair if we’re getting into “or we’re gonna have cut out that snarl” territory. Somehow I think it helps that I get up way earlier than them. I enjoy feeling generally removed from their morning process.
Oct 17·edited Oct 18Liked by Kathleen Donahoe, Claire Zulkey
In our household, everyone over the age of nine is responsible for their own laundry, including bed linens. The youngest is in charge of washing all the towels. Everyone has a household chore that they are in charge of every week, and we have a schedule for walking the dog. I cook for my husband and myself with enough extra to feed the kids if they like, but most of the time they cook their own food (they are very picky.) The kids mow the lawn, shovel snow, and know how to use tools. These are only half controversial as my kids are biologically female and I either get a pat on the back for making sure that my kids are not "like other girls" or get flack for having them do traditionally male work. I give my husband some credit for what he does around the house given that he grew up with a live-in household staff including his own nanny. When he came to the US, he was determined to do things on his own, and he does for the most part (although it was hard to get him to understand that maintenance of young children was both our responsibility and not just mine.)
I grew up in a household where my father and brother cooked (my mother is not the best cook.) My father taught my brother and me how to use tools and do basic household maintenance. I grew up in Detroit, so car maintenance is also part of my nature (we could not graduate high school unless we could at least describe how to change a tire.) My husband and I both have our realms; I do the cooking, because I enjoy it. He is incharge of all that is IT related. We both work long hours. We both provide for our family, and we take care of each other.
I find it funny that there are people in the westernized North America think that basic self-maintenance and life skills are just for females. The independent spirit is what drives our culture, is it not? Then why perpetuate a dependence for basic life/survival skills? I just want to make sure that when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, and the requirement for boarding the escape ship is to prove that you can properly do laundry and differentiate between a flathead and Philips screwdriver, that my family is allowed on board. To paraphrase the great Luther Ingram, (if this is) wrong, I don't wanna to be right.
I stole the laundry idea from a family I lived with in grad school. I have to also give husband credit because he is the one who enforces household chores. Regardless of what it looks like on paper, our house is a cluttered mess led by me, the ADHD Queen. Husband is the neat and tidy one, but twenty+ years of marriage has beaten him, I mean, helped him accept my imperfections. ;)
same. And I don’t do flowers/plants. I think probably because my mom gives a shit about them, I don’t. I’m probably playing myself since allegedly it’s so good for mental/physical health but I can only keep so many things alive
Hard same. I love flowers. My involvement with the flowers is that I go with on the "purchasing flowers" trip every May and then my husband keeps them alive or not. I will not be stepping in.
I have never ever in 48 years mowed a lawn. 1) I am mildly allergic to grasses so the mowing is sneezy. But 2) I do many(most?) of the other things. Most of the indoor things and I even do flowers sometimes. But I am not doing a lawn.
I don't do yard work either! My mom said that it wasn't worth teaching me to mow or use the weedeater, because she'd have to pay for the emergency room. My husband has grown to like it, because he can put his headphones on and ignore the children.
Not a comment about chores I don't do, but on running! I became a mom at 40 and have been in constant struggle to get back into running. If you do that as a topic, please reach out!
I am back into it thanks to a running club and it is the best. I realized I love chatting and making friends while running more than running for running’s sake
I also started running again, in my 40s after having my daughter. It involved a referral to a pelvic floor PT and a lot of good chiropractic work. I have made a lot of improvement over the last year but I still can’t run daily without doing a bunch of other strengthening stuff.
I would love to hear more about this! I am excited to get back into running after giving birth earlier this year, but my pelvic floor is nowhere near able to do that.
Sorry for the late response. I highly recommend finding a pelvic floor therapist. There are strength training exercises you can do that help that don't involve "internal work" and those worked for me. What I noticed was that when I did short cardio videos that accidentally had pelvic floor strengthening, my symptoms of feeling like I had to pee while trying to jog lessened. As I focused on many of those exercises my symptoms disappeared. But, my PT said there can be further internal issues to work on - scar tissue, muscle displacement - things like that. A PT is the best way to start creating help for your personal body.
Meanwhile, you can absolutely try doing more squats and glute bridges. Check out youtube workout videos for diastis recti and see if this helps at all.
Same! I took up running for the first time at 41 years old out of nowhere after being one of those "sure it's good for you. but at what cost?!" folks most of my life. I'm injured currently (boo) but it has connected me with so many wonderful ladies and given me something that's "mine."
That’s great, @Christina Martinson was talking about moms deserving that time. I’m sorry about the injury—I hope it doesn’t last too long /hurt too bad
Thanks! I'm used to chronic pain - I've had rheumatoid arthritis since I was 21 - but yes, being unable to do the thing that has been bringing you joy is hard. I am lucky to have my women's running group; our motto is "Community First, Running Second." Many of us are/were/will be injured, so having space to still participate in the community is wonderful.
I don't do the mornings, period. I sleep in until the last possible second and then get myself ready for work, kid-free. My husband gets the girls up, does their hair (much better than I ever could, he's a master braider), and gets them ready for school and daycare. In return though I do bedtime but as a night witch this is tolerable. The very few times I've had to get up with kids has made me regret having them altogether.
I don't love mornings but I do love how there is an end in sight whereas with nighttime, you never really know. Could be bedtime or could stretch on way past bedtime. Cue the yelling.
Oh I love this. My husband does the meal planning, grocery store, cooking, lunch packing, and dinner clean up. My sister, who is recently divorced, said if this had been the case in her house, she would likely still be married. I also lean hard into just not learning certain skills - i don't know how to work the coffee machine, install a car seat, turn on the lawn mower, really anything with the cars. My girls will sometimes ask to go to the carwash and they know the answer - "not mom's job!" Also +1 for the just putting clothes into the drawer flat. And ++1 for the MVP - our every other week house cleaner. She is an angel straight from heaven. Wishing every mom here a long list of things they don't do.
yes to the cleaners!! I'm paying ours extra to come and do a 'deep dive' right before Thanksgiving, like please do the fridge drawers, scrub the walls etc so I can focus on the other bullshit.
I don't remember husbands' names half the time. I just called a Mark "Ryan" to his face this morning and spent a while trying to remember if my friend's husband was named Eugene or Ernest. I need to just own this and stop being so mortified.
my husband does most of the pickups and dropoffs and I only do them if he absolutely can't. He says he likes getting out of the house and I think he likes tooling around in his pickup truck. Beep beep.
this is very richard scary, I love it.
it is a pickle with wheels in fact
I hope your neighbor is that worm in the apple car.
I had a stuffed Lowly the Worm as a kid. Least cuddly stuffed animal ever.
My son just go this license on Tuesday (!!) and he just offered to drop off his sister at theater class! It's HAPPENING!
this is what you were working for all this time.
I am counting the days until this day- as my oldest is not even 8, it feels like a WHILE!
What I really love about this piece is that it very clearly IS NOT about how women should do less and their partners/men should do more. I so rarely see the blanket advice of “do less” without increasing expectations of people you share a life with.
Jeanne, I so appreciate this comment. Thanks for this- it articulated something that I haven't been able to.
Also, my husband is the tooth fairy. I really enjoy never waking up and wondering in a panic whether I remembered to exchange the cash.
At the dentist's office now and relieved to hear my older kid only has 2 baby teeth remaining.
My husband, too, is the tooth fairy in our house. We agreed that he needed to it because he is less clumsy and lighter on his feet and therefore less likely to wake up a sleeping child.
In typing this out, I just realized that I think I achieved weaponized incompetence. Yay for me!
same! I do not agree with how generous the tooth fairy is when we are not at home with the "specific" coins, but also, I am not responsible, so I don't say a word.
It's wild to me that people so passionately follow rules that are entirely arbitrary. And in fact, will take time out of their days to publicly criticize people who don't follow those rules.
No. One. Knows. If. Your. Underwear. Has. Creases. It's _under_ your other clothes! That's why they call it underwear!
Anyway. I don't do any of the silly "boosterthon" activities for school. Everyone seems to have forgotten that the whole point is raising funds for new playground equipment or whatever. Now it is this performative series of rituals we parents need to do-- bake sale, fall fun fair, charity walk, etc. Now they've added social media and video campaigns. I refuse to know what a "dude perfect" is. I still have dignity. So instead, I write a big fat check and ignore all calls to participate in my own ritual abasement.
my mom told me she thinks it's 'sad' people don't iron anymore. OK?? Sorry to let you down? (Also I don't really own clothes that need to be ironed anyway.)
Something I was proud of when my kids did a booster thon thing that sent home stupid "prizes" we didn't ask for was change our home address to that of the local Goodwill. Save me a trip.
My mom used to say passive aggressive things about how she ironed our clothes when we were small and I said "I'm really sorry you felt pressured to spend your time that way."
Haaaaaahaha
I’m listening to Lisa Damour’s (excellent!) book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. This isn’t part of the “official” educational part of the book, but my favorite line so far is, “I hope your bags are packed, looks like we’re going on a guilt trip!”
Brilliant!
My mom was simply horrified my children weren't learning cursive. HOW WILL THEY SIGN CHECKS?
my dad still can't get over the fact that I never got up on water skis. I started lying to him and said "I did it thanks to your advice. I just sat back like it was a chair. It was so fun!"
Fun fact: there's no requirement that a signature on a check or any other legal document is in cursive! Your signature can be whatever you want! Including just your name in print!
My brother is a notary and his signature **includes a smiley face**. It's his official signature!
that's hilarious! So that's on people's wills and shit?!
Wait this is the most badass thing ever. Love it.
This is basically what we told my mom - "they can just make a big letter X if they want!" The horrification intensified. Lol.
So, a few weeks ago I was in a waiting room and overheard some teenagers stressing about how to have a signature with minimal cursive instructions. I dropped a bomb that they could start their capital W from the top and that they could really do whatever they want since signatures are made up anyway.
If it helps, my kid had 2 years of cursive in elementary school (old school teachers FTW) but never really learned it and he can’t even read it. I remember struggling mightily to remember how to do it when I had to write and sign some kind of oath when taking the LSAT I think, a million years ago (and I was drilled in it for years). Cursive is for the birds (and those with beautiful penmanship).
Maybe she thinks the iron will be lonely?
That's a real pro-tip about the boosterthon prizes. I'll have to keep that in my back pocket.
We signed up for Trunk or Treat (last year theme was Holly Jolly Halloween and it was a mashup of Xmas and Halloween because I refused to do/buy anything extra)... had an email last night from the organizer of this year to inquire about our theme and had the pleasure of telling her that the theme is... Halloween. And bless, her response was like, "well that makes sense, it is Halloween after all". So I do the bare minimum of shit at the school when it's things that are easy enough.
<rushes to sign up to send "napkins and paper plates">
I don't own anything that really needs ironing, my husband wfh, and my kids are kids so I maybe ironed 2-3 times a year at most, but for picture day I bought my 10 y.o. a collared shirt that looked wonky after washing so I taught him to do it! And he loved it! Very "satisfying," his favorite word right now.
I didn't even mention ironing because it's so far out of my mind haha. I do iron an occasional rayon dress for myself. But this is great to know that next year my kid can learn to iron his own shirt (for like once a year that he wears a collared shirt) if he wants to. My husband has probably not worn an ironed shirt to work in his entire career (how long we've been together lol).
Rayon is the worst! I have found that squirting my one and only rayon blouse with water makes the wrinkles magically disappear without a need to search for that damn ironing board. I try to do it ahead of time, but if it’s warm out it doesn’t really matter.
My mom said she thinks it’s nice that clothes are made of fabric that isn’t so wrinkly now! We definitely toss stuff back in the dryer to unwrinkle it but my husband is the only one who knows how to iron a dress shirt well. He irons like once a year if he doesn’t get a shirt dry cleaned. But his coaching uniform is a school branded soccer polo and athletic shorts so there’s not much dressing up around here!
Dude that is fucking genius (giving them the address to Goodwill).
I don’t iron anymore. My mom always did because she was a young mom and didn’t want to give anyone any way to judge her when we were little. My daughter wears leggings and basic shirts, and my uniform doesn’t really wrinkle (I have to wear certain shirts for my job as an infant teacher). My husband’s a police officer and I will hang his uniforms up to keep the creases looking good, but it’s a weird fabric that really doesn’t wrinkle.
What this is genius.
this makes me LAUGH SO HARD! Love that it goes straight to Goodwill!!
"dude perfect" is 100% the opposite of dignity. (also I think school fundraising is completely a scam , right there with you)
I have nothing to do with any parent groups at school. There are so many parents who care SO MUCH, and I thank them and applaud them.
PREACH re Boosterthon! I hate it so much.
Same. Our new PTO board listened to feedback that fewer, more coordinated fundraisers (with specifically NO Boosterthon - 🤬) would be better. They figured out how much we needed per kid and gave it to us straight. I covered my kids plus $100, let my kids know, and am D O N E with any sort of “donate now and your kid gets a piece of pre-trash plastic thing!” fundraiser that may arise later.
Ooh I can’t wait to read the comments on this one (and decide what needs to be dropped next). I don’t do laundry. Period. When my husband is away traveling, he does it before he leaves and also provides written instructions on how to operate the machine should I need it (and my toddler lets me know when I’m not doing it like daddy). This is one of my greatest marital victories.
Sri, this is BRILLIANT.
Oooh I love him doing it before he leaves. That's the inverse of my friend who used to cook extra before she left town in case her husband couldn't figure it out (I think/hope she quit doing that)
I own an iron. BUT I am a quilter and it is an expensive and fancy iron, and you are not allowed to touch it unless you are given explicit permission and know how to use it properly!! It falls under the same category as fabric scissors and everyone in the house (except maybe the 20 month old) knows this and respects it under pain of death.
same. I bought an iron and ironing board when I started sewing. It is only used for sewing.
I haven't hurt my fabric scissors yet but that's because I.m ADHD and have all the scissors in all the rooms.
PAJAMAS. they're a scam!! our toddler wears tomorrow's clothes to sleep. 1/2 the laundry, 1/2 the "please hurry up and get dressed" friction. I know that one day we will have to start wearing sleep-specific clothing, but not soon.
mary. YES. yes. especially for toddlers who hate changing clothes!
I cringed looking at a FB post where I acted like I was b a n a n a s for letting my toddler sleep in Halloween pj's three weeks before Halloween. Instead of ONLY on Halloween.
my kids wear their Halloween jammies year round! I bought them ghosts last year at Target in enormous sizes, and they're still wearing them!
YES! my kids wear the clothes they're going to wear the next day. they only want to wear athletic clothes anyway, so they're just as comfortable as pj's!
and ps my oldest is 10 and we still do this
My 7yo will sleep in full-on khakis. 🤷🏻♀️
Fine. Why would I ask myself if I liked or disliked this idea?
For real. My kids run hot - it can be cold AF outside and my kids will still be snuggled up in bed in nothing but their underwear.
The opposite! Our kid spends most non school days in his pjs and we’ve stopped caring if he goes to Target or wherever in pjs.
I am the stay at home mom but I am also a teaching artist and a fiber artist (quilter) in general. So like my actual job description includes doing more household/family maintenance now than it did when I worked. Back before kids. But both sahm and artist are roles that will fill every single second of time they can find available to them, so I follow the rules of PBS famous quilter Liz Porter (also famous mother of white board wielding congressperson Katie Porter) and do my art/quilt stuff first. I prioritize it more than (or at least as much as) laundry and meals and house keeping. If I didn’t, I would almost never get to it. It is also my job. My husband contributes quite a bit and when I start to feel guilty that he is the breadwinner and the main vacuumer (or whatever), I think of it as “reclaiming female time” an act of freedom for me but also for my daughter’s future and also for other women who might be influenced by me to reclaim their time.
the way I nodded at “But both sahm and artist are roles that will fill every single second of time they can find available to them”— that’s the thing, isn’t it? Black holes of need, both roles.
For a long time I felt like I needed to get my dayjob work done before the kids got home so I could focus on up our family shit but lately my brain doesn't want to do a certain kind of work until a few hours after lunch. I've given up feeling like there's something wrong about me doing my work when they're home. It's not like they rush home from school desperate to spend time with mommy anyway.
🙌🏻
Also Kathleen, how was I not subscribed to your substack!!!
I don’t cook (including school lunch) or go to the grocery store!!! My husband is a great cook who enjoys it, and why would I buy food I don’t know what to do with? I don’t wrap presents either because, again, it’s not my strong suit. I stopped folding underwear ages ago. My 8 year old purposefully just jams all her clothes in her drawers and I don’t care. I think it’s a small bit of autonomy she appreciates. Jam on, sister.
JAM ON just kind of made me emotional? gonna be my motto today.
yes!! I know some people do like having nicely done underwear drawers but that is not me. Also someone said she enjoyed how I didn't gaf about having matched socks. Hello? They were both Bombas so they matched to me.
I honestly can't believe there are people out there that fold underwear haha. No hate to those that do, I just can't imagine it staying in that state very long in my house.
Same!! I never thought of this until my MIL said she always folded and organized hers and I was like, "That did not occur to us, Dude."
I remember InStyle magazine really trying hard to convince me every month I needed a lingerie wardrobe and it should be displayed like a lingerie store.
My husband does the cooking and the buying of food, too! He loves it! I usually have to cook once a week, but I weasel around that by doing things like "Toast Night" or Carbonara which only takes one pan and 7 minutes.
My kids do their own laundry (after constant reminders from me, but still) and I just discovered that my 10yo doesn't match his socks. I don't think I can let this one stand.
I am intrigued by "Toast Night."
Oh it's magical! I was inspired by the Rainbow Rowell book Slow Dance. I got a loaf of nice, sliced bread at the local bakery and then I offered a smorgasbord of leftovers and pantry staples and toad in the hole to my kids. The only prep was whipped ricotta which is freaking delicious.
this is genius! I think we need to do a thing on people's family food nights.
When I was a kid we’d have FFY (fend for yourself) if my dad was out of town. Sometimes we do it now on Fridays when the adults are just - over it. The kids make themselves bagels, last time I ate chips and salsa. Worked for me!
My kids are in 8th & 11th grade and sometime in the last 2 years or so, we just stopped getting up with them in the morning or doing anything for them in the morning. They get themselves up & out the door on time without any daily prep from us. On WFH days, we are often waving goodbye to them from bed.
I have successfully managed to teach (train? lol) my 9 and 10 year olds to get changed, do chores and make their breakfasts in the am (screens are the bribe, let me be clear) and it has leveled up my personal happiness a LOT.
That’s my goal. I put this on the list and then took it off out of shame but I don’t make the kids brush their teeth in the mornings (my husband is Mr. “put off the dentist until you need a double root canal.” so I can’t put it on him). I know I should but they’ve gotten away with no cavities thus far. My older kid magically got some autonomy and started taking care of himself more. It makes me mad how much the 9 year old enjoys being a baby still. You’ve been up for 2 hours and you didn’t think to make yourself breakfast??
We don’t require morning brushing either and last week my 8yo got in a heated discussion with the dentist about why she could not possibly. She flosses every night. She brushes every night but fucking terribly because we aren’t fighting that battle.
My 7 yo finally started brushing his teeth in the morning without drama this year but my 5 yo won’t and I don’t press it. Being awake and going to school at 7:20 is already rough for him every day, he hasn’t had any problems with his teeth yet! On school days my oldest is very independent but soccer Saturday has been tough bc he gets a little too relaxed and thinks they have forever to eat breakfast, get dressed and watch tv and it’s like 1-1.5 hours total.
My 9 year old also will not get himself breakfast. Definitely something to work on. Luckily my husband always does it. Payback for the first 3 years when I was always the one up at 5 am.
This life is so good. I have a 14 and 13 year old, and they do mornings on their own as well. They are up at 6:30, and even though I'm up, I let them do breakfast and whatnot on their own before I come downstairs after 7:00. If they see me, they want me, so I just take my slow ass time. I have tea on my own, get some sort of morning stretch or workout in, and then we all hop in the car, and I take them to school. It's such a good flow, and only started to happen because I accidentally overslept a few days after some terrible jetlag. Reminds me that we have no idea what we are all capable of if we are stuck in our ruts all the time.
Exactly! A hundred (7?) years ago I read a book called Duct Tape Parenting which advised to just take a week off to see what your kids are capable of. I didn’t do this (could not deal with the mess and assured influx of bugs) but do nothing for my 7 & 10 yo in the morning but say “we’re leaving in 7 minutes.” They eat school lunch, I let them wear whatever uniform top/bottom combo they get into (truly, you’d think the 10 yo would notice if a size 5 shirt feels a leeeetle tight for comfort), and I only talk about brushing hair if we’re getting into “or we’re gonna have cut out that snarl” territory. Somehow I think it helps that I get up way earlier than them. I enjoy feeling generally removed from their morning process.
In our household, everyone over the age of nine is responsible for their own laundry, including bed linens. The youngest is in charge of washing all the towels. Everyone has a household chore that they are in charge of every week, and we have a schedule for walking the dog. I cook for my husband and myself with enough extra to feed the kids if they like, but most of the time they cook their own food (they are very picky.) The kids mow the lawn, shovel snow, and know how to use tools. These are only half controversial as my kids are biologically female and I either get a pat on the back for making sure that my kids are not "like other girls" or get flack for having them do traditionally male work. I give my husband some credit for what he does around the house given that he grew up with a live-in household staff including his own nanny. When he came to the US, he was determined to do things on his own, and he does for the most part (although it was hard to get him to understand that maintenance of young children was both our responsibility and not just mine.)
I grew up in a household where my father and brother cooked (my mother is not the best cook.) My father taught my brother and me how to use tools and do basic household maintenance. I grew up in Detroit, so car maintenance is also part of my nature (we could not graduate high school unless we could at least describe how to change a tire.) My husband and I both have our realms; I do the cooking, because I enjoy it. He is incharge of all that is IT related. We both work long hours. We both provide for our family, and we take care of each other.
I find it funny that there are people in the westernized North America think that basic self-maintenance and life skills are just for females. The independent spirit is what drives our culture, is it not? Then why perpetuate a dependence for basic life/survival skills? I just want to make sure that when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, and the requirement for boarding the escape ship is to prove that you can properly do laundry and differentiate between a flathead and Philips screwdriver, that my family is allowed on board. To paraphrase the great Luther Ingram, (if this is) wrong, I don't wanna to be right.
HAAAHHAHA, Mia I would like you to come to my house and Super Nanny us. Please, we need you.
I stole the laundry idea from a family I lived with in grad school. I have to also give husband credit because he is the one who enforces household chores. Regardless of what it looks like on paper, our house is a cluttered mess led by me, the ADHD Queen. Husband is the neat and tidy one, but twenty+ years of marriage has beaten him, I mean, helped him accept my imperfections. ;)
This is perhaps gendered, but I don’t do yard work. I have never mowed a lawn in my whole life. 😅
same. And I don’t do flowers/plants. I think probably because my mom gives a shit about them, I don’t. I’m probably playing myself since allegedly it’s so good for mental/physical health but I can only keep so many things alive
Hard same. I love flowers. My involvement with the flowers is that I go with on the "purchasing flowers" trip every May and then my husband keeps them alive or not. I will not be stepping in.
When we bought our home my proposal was that I will make all the time he needs to garden/yardwork, but I will never, ever participate in it. Ever.
I have never ever in 48 years mowed a lawn. 1) I am mildly allergic to grasses so the mowing is sneezy. But 2) I do many(most?) of the other things. Most of the indoor things and I even do flowers sometimes. But I am not doing a lawn.
I don't do yard work either! My mom said that it wasn't worth teaching me to mow or use the weedeater, because she'd have to pay for the emergency room. My husband has grown to like it, because he can put his headphones on and ignore the children.
Not a comment about chores I don't do, but on running! I became a mom at 40 and have been in constant struggle to get back into running. If you do that as a topic, please reach out!
I will! Thank you! I'm glad people are intrigued by this topic.
I am back into it thanks to a running club and it is the best. I realized I love chatting and making friends while running more than running for running’s sake
I also started running again, in my 40s after having my daughter. It involved a referral to a pelvic floor PT and a lot of good chiropractic work. I have made a lot of improvement over the last year but I still can’t run daily without doing a bunch of other strengthening stuff.
I would love to hear more about this! I am excited to get back into running after giving birth earlier this year, but my pelvic floor is nowhere near able to do that.
Sorry for the late response. I highly recommend finding a pelvic floor therapist. There are strength training exercises you can do that help that don't involve "internal work" and those worked for me. What I noticed was that when I did short cardio videos that accidentally had pelvic floor strengthening, my symptoms of feeling like I had to pee while trying to jog lessened. As I focused on many of those exercises my symptoms disappeared. But, my PT said there can be further internal issues to work on - scar tissue, muscle displacement - things like that. A PT is the best way to start creating help for your personal body.
Meanwhile, you can absolutely try doing more squats and glute bridges. Check out youtube workout videos for diastis recti and see if this helps at all.
good advice!! I was just talking w a friend last weekend who could probably benefit from this
Same! I took up running for the first time at 41 years old out of nowhere after being one of those "sure it's good for you. but at what cost?!" folks most of my life. I'm injured currently (boo) but it has connected me with so many wonderful ladies and given me something that's "mine."
That’s great, @Christina Martinson was talking about moms deserving that time. I’m sorry about the injury—I hope it doesn’t last too long /hurt too bad
Thanks! I'm used to chronic pain - I've had rheumatoid arthritis since I was 21 - but yes, being unable to do the thing that has been bringing you joy is hard. I am lucky to have my women's running group; our motto is "Community First, Running Second." Many of us are/were/will be injured, so having space to still participate in the community is wonderful.
I don't do the mornings, period. I sleep in until the last possible second and then get myself ready for work, kid-free. My husband gets the girls up, does their hair (much better than I ever could, he's a master braider), and gets them ready for school and daycare. In return though I do bedtime but as a night witch this is tolerable. The very few times I've had to get up with kids has made me regret having them altogether.
I don't love mornings but I do love how there is an end in sight whereas with nighttime, you never really know. Could be bedtime or could stretch on way past bedtime. Cue the yelling.
Oh I love this. My husband does the meal planning, grocery store, cooking, lunch packing, and dinner clean up. My sister, who is recently divorced, said if this had been the case in her house, she would likely still be married. I also lean hard into just not learning certain skills - i don't know how to work the coffee machine, install a car seat, turn on the lawn mower, really anything with the cars. My girls will sometimes ask to go to the carwash and they know the answer - "not mom's job!" Also +1 for the just putting clothes into the drawer flat. And ++1 for the MVP - our every other week house cleaner. She is an angel straight from heaven. Wishing every mom here a long list of things they don't do.
yes to the cleaners!! I'm paying ours extra to come and do a 'deep dive' right before Thanksgiving, like please do the fridge drawers, scrub the walls etc so I can focus on the other bullshit.
I don't remember husbands' names half the time. I just called a Mark "Ryan" to his face this morning and spent a while trying to remember if my friend's husband was named Eugene or Ernest. I need to just own this and stop being so mortified.
I can never remember how old I personally am... my partner has been keeping track of it the last couple years. Whatever!!
it's none of our business!