The message I have imparted to my kids from day one is that life is not fair. There are people who have more than us, but we also have much more than other people. So, be grateful for what you have, work to make your life better, and pray and do what you can to help those who are less fortunate than you.
I'm jumping in on "how to talk to kids about [insert difficult topic]" bandwagon. My AuDHD oldest is questioning zir gender and is eight years old. How do we discuss tragedies like Nex Benedict and interpersonal safety with strangers without frightening our children? (ESPECIALLY as we enter an election year where transphobic legislation is a cornerstone of conservative policy-making!) Most of the resources I've found focus on older, more "neurotypical" children. This topic is important to unpack with non-GNC [gender nonconforming] youth as well.
Yes, resources are overwhelming-ly focused on sit down conversations-which has not been helpful for my neurodivergent kids. Some kids are not going to benefit from verbal processing in this way. It is helpful first to use what you know about your kid to think about how your kid accesses information--is it through books, screens, visual like drawing or a graphic novels or written (like writing questions and answers to each other) or while moving. It's okay to use other tools to provide starting points. I have a kid who would much rather read a book on his own and we set the stage before and after for talking about it. Sometimes he doesn't show up ready with questions for weeks. I think the part that is hard about these topics is we don't want to leave anything out and get it all out in one sitting, but it's okay to take time and do little parts at a time. There also is the complexity for kids who may be more concrete or rigid thinkers, the example above about someone who has an odor due to not having a place to shower. My kids have an uncle who has odor, not due to not showering but because he doesn't believe in deodorant, so that could be confusing. As well as many neurodivergent individuals can have a complex relationship with hygiene due to sensory needs, so it starts to get murky. But murky is okay--sometimes we are really highlighting how complicated the world can be, that there is inequity and there is struggle. And supporting the safety for our kids in the conversations, allowing them to ask questions that make us squirm and reinforcing that they are loved and safe.
Sorry for the super long response Dani, I see a few questions about ND kiddos so you got the bulk of my thoughts!
Absolutely. This is tough for everyone and there is no perfect route. On our way to preschool today my son started to talk about the skin color of one of his bi-racial friends. So I was ready to jump in and talk about race and differences, of which he quickly moved onto to telling me the status of his bandaid and then when I tried to pivot back, he started commenting on the weather. It's complicated.
Sorry for the delayed response, but I really appreciate your insight - I need to get out of the mindset that there is always a *right* way to do things, ya' know?
I had to endure horrible racist bullying throughout elementary school and this experience heavily informs my choices when it coming to living life. I learned at an early age that no matter what you do or who you are, there are people who are just not going to like or be kind to you. This notion has played heavily in our family culture. My children are Asian biological females, which put them behind the eight ball from the get go. My husband and I did what we could to mitigate the potential conflict; we live in a diverse community, sent them to a diverse and socially conscious schools, make sure they are connected to their cultural heritage, raising them to battle the Patriarchy, and continuously work to maintain safe relationships with them. Most of all, we have tried to instill in them the "Fuck You" attitude. You don't like who I am? Well, fuck you! (I wish my parents had done this for me when I was younger. I feel like I would be less neurotic if they did, but I digress.)
When my oldest came out as non-binary when they were 12, they were already well aware of the the challenges they would be facing in life. My husband and I showed our support by going low to no contact with people who are not accepting of LGBTQ people. (I literally said to my vast opinionated, face-saving, very Catholic family "Oldest child has come out. If you have a problem with this either keep keep your mouth shut and your actions neutral or forget we are related.) Luckily for us there weren't many people who held a negative positions, so it didn't affect our family and social dynamic too much. But, the fact that my kid saw us do this helped them feel more comfortable about their identity and life journey (their words not mine.) It also helps that they have a group of friends who are supportive. During the pandemic they became an ardent gamer, due in part to them finding a group of LGBTQ gamers. Making those friends has been key them in processing their journey. They are making decisions about college right now, and was well aware enough to pick places where they could grow (No Red States, no "traditional" religious colleges). So, this is a long winded way to say, put on your own battle armor, give them support and nurture their radical self-acceptance.
Also, being blue belts in Aikido doesn't hurt either.
This is kind of niether here nor there, but something I've learned (and am trying to be cognizant of with our kiddos) is the fact that the Autistic population has a higher percentage of gender diversity. It's been confirmed in multiple scientific studies.
If anyone has any resources on these types of issues for autistic/ND kids, I’d love to hear about them. Any guide that starts with “sit down and talk to your kid about X” just doesn’t work for my chaos muppet.
I was thinking the same thing about my granddaughter. She’s with me a lot. She would be moving on to the next thought before I got one word out of my mouth. Also, I’m going to borrow Chaos Muppet to describe her.
Avoidance? That was my go to. However, when that could not be helped, I would always stop and talk to my kids before we entered a situation. That worked maybe 40% of the time, and it usually ended with me having to carry them when we crossed paths or crossing the street. I think we all have taught our children the general procedures over stranger danger and I think the fear of the unhoused and /or mentally ill is them processing this concept. I made sure not to take on the emotion burden of being embarrassed by their fears. I did make sure to have those conversations about being grateful, and about the people who are less fortunate. Also, sadly, I think my kids at this point are desensitized to a certain extent (there is a small homeless encampment in our local park, and my kids pass it all the time like its normal.) My painfully shy kid and ASD kid can navigate pretty well now that they are older, but when they were younger? Yikes!
There is a man who lives near my younger daughter's daycare who we call Roto Rooter Man, as he is always walking around carrying jugs of drinking water and scream-singing about how the CIA, FBI, and possibly Santa Claus are "agents of capitalism" who in league with Roto Rooter and are "listening to everything you say" and they "come up through your pipes, that's how they get you." This is interspersed with the Roto Rooter jingle and, during December, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
My kids have always taken him in stride--"oh yeah, that's just Roto Rooter Man, he's crazy"--but they got *really* weirded out when I had to actually call Roto Rooter to come to our house last week to deal with a sewer backup and I had to explain what Roto Rooter actually was and did. So I got nothing here.
tee hee 🤭 (at your kids' confusion, not the guy to be clear)
In Bossypants it was a weird sort of a thrill to hear Tina Fey mention a man everyone in my town called "Bicycle Helmet Man" because if you walked by him he'd engage you very earnestly for a long time about how important it is to wear a helmet because he got into a bike accident years ago and sustained brain damage and you don't want to be like him. (I mean; good message, true!) A lot of us were like--we know him!!
Kids are way more observant than we give them credit for, so tough questions from them are always around the corner. Thanks so much for writing about this, in as nuanced a fashion as possible.
thank you! I still wish I had a better strategy for when I see multiple people asking for $ outside a grocery store (who do you prioritize?) and people at intersections (scary). But being human and trying not to avoid eye contact is maybe an OK place to start.
I’m so grateful for this resource! We live in an area with lots of unhoused folks. My kiddo is 3 and hasn’t asked many hard-to-answer questions yet, but I figure it’s a matter of time. Thank you for this!!
thank you!! I'm glad you found it helpful. it took me a long time to pull this together and consolidate it and I was really nervous about doing it wrong. metaphor for life!
That check list, LOL!!!
The message I have imparted to my kids from day one is that life is not fair. There are people who have more than us, but we also have much more than other people. So, be grateful for what you have, work to make your life better, and pray and do what you can to help those who are less fortunate than you.
I'm jumping in on "how to talk to kids about [insert difficult topic]" bandwagon. My AuDHD oldest is questioning zir gender and is eight years old. How do we discuss tragedies like Nex Benedict and interpersonal safety with strangers without frightening our children? (ESPECIALLY as we enter an election year where transphobic legislation is a cornerstone of conservative policy-making!) Most of the resources I've found focus on older, more "neurotypical" children. This topic is important to unpack with non-GNC [gender nonconforming] youth as well.
Yes, resources are overwhelming-ly focused on sit down conversations-which has not been helpful for my neurodivergent kids. Some kids are not going to benefit from verbal processing in this way. It is helpful first to use what you know about your kid to think about how your kid accesses information--is it through books, screens, visual like drawing or a graphic novels or written (like writing questions and answers to each other) or while moving. It's okay to use other tools to provide starting points. I have a kid who would much rather read a book on his own and we set the stage before and after for talking about it. Sometimes he doesn't show up ready with questions for weeks. I think the part that is hard about these topics is we don't want to leave anything out and get it all out in one sitting, but it's okay to take time and do little parts at a time. There also is the complexity for kids who may be more concrete or rigid thinkers, the example above about someone who has an odor due to not having a place to shower. My kids have an uncle who has odor, not due to not showering but because he doesn't believe in deodorant, so that could be confusing. As well as many neurodivergent individuals can have a complex relationship with hygiene due to sensory needs, so it starts to get murky. But murky is okay--sometimes we are really highlighting how complicated the world can be, that there is inequity and there is struggle. And supporting the safety for our kids in the conversations, allowing them to ask questions that make us squirm and reinforcing that they are loved and safe.
Sorry for the super long response Dani, I see a few questions about ND kiddos so you got the bulk of my thoughts!
Thank you SO much Kathryn for weighing in on these.
Absolutely. This is tough for everyone and there is no perfect route. On our way to preschool today my son started to talk about the skin color of one of his bi-racial friends. So I was ready to jump in and talk about race and differences, of which he quickly moved onto to telling me the status of his bandaid and then when I tried to pivot back, he started commenting on the weather. It's complicated.
Sorry for the delayed response, but I really appreciate your insight - I need to get out of the mindset that there is always a *right* way to do things, ya' know?
hear hear on that
You can't.
I had to endure horrible racist bullying throughout elementary school and this experience heavily informs my choices when it coming to living life. I learned at an early age that no matter what you do or who you are, there are people who are just not going to like or be kind to you. This notion has played heavily in our family culture. My children are Asian biological females, which put them behind the eight ball from the get go. My husband and I did what we could to mitigate the potential conflict; we live in a diverse community, sent them to a diverse and socially conscious schools, make sure they are connected to their cultural heritage, raising them to battle the Patriarchy, and continuously work to maintain safe relationships with them. Most of all, we have tried to instill in them the "Fuck You" attitude. You don't like who I am? Well, fuck you! (I wish my parents had done this for me when I was younger. I feel like I would be less neurotic if they did, but I digress.)
When my oldest came out as non-binary when they were 12, they were already well aware of the the challenges they would be facing in life. My husband and I showed our support by going low to no contact with people who are not accepting of LGBTQ people. (I literally said to my vast opinionated, face-saving, very Catholic family "Oldest child has come out. If you have a problem with this either keep keep your mouth shut and your actions neutral or forget we are related.) Luckily for us there weren't many people who held a negative positions, so it didn't affect our family and social dynamic too much. But, the fact that my kid saw us do this helped them feel more comfortable about their identity and life journey (their words not mine.) It also helps that they have a group of friends who are supportive. During the pandemic they became an ardent gamer, due in part to them finding a group of LGBTQ gamers. Making those friends has been key them in processing their journey. They are making decisions about college right now, and was well aware enough to pick places where they could grow (No Red States, no "traditional" religious colleges). So, this is a long winded way to say, put on your own battle armor, give them support and nurture their radical self-acceptance.
Also, being blue belts in Aikido doesn't hurt either.
This is kind of niether here nor there, but something I've learned (and am trying to be cognizant of with our kiddos) is the fact that the Autistic population has a higher percentage of gender diversity. It's been confirmed in multiple scientific studies.
This is an interesting data set: https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/largest-study-to-date-confirms-overlap-between-autism-and-gender-diversity/
And this is a good overview of personal stories: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/autism-and-gender-identity
If anyone has any resources on these types of issues for autistic/ND kids, I’d love to hear about them. Any guide that starts with “sit down and talk to your kid about X” just doesn’t work for my chaos muppet.
I was thinking the same thing about my granddaughter. She’s with me a lot. She would be moving on to the next thought before I got one word out of my mouth. Also, I’m going to borrow Chaos Muppet to describe her.
I responded to Dani's question above--if its helpful.
Avoidance? That was my go to. However, when that could not be helped, I would always stop and talk to my kids before we entered a situation. That worked maybe 40% of the time, and it usually ended with me having to carry them when we crossed paths or crossing the street. I think we all have taught our children the general procedures over stranger danger and I think the fear of the unhoused and /or mentally ill is them processing this concept. I made sure not to take on the emotion burden of being embarrassed by their fears. I did make sure to have those conversations about being grateful, and about the people who are less fortunate. Also, sadly, I think my kids at this point are desensitized to a certain extent (there is a small homeless encampment in our local park, and my kids pass it all the time like its normal.) My painfully shy kid and ASD kid can navigate pretty well now that they are older, but when they were younger? Yikes!
Thank you Mia for sharing <3
Hi Kate, I shared some thoughts about ND kids above to Dani that could be helpful.
Thanks so much for sharing. For some of your Canadian readers looking for resources specific to their cities, I found this resource to add — hope that’s cool: https://www.fredvictor.org/2023/02/23/future-is-in-our-hands-how-to-talk-about-homelessness-with-children/
yes please, thank you for sharing
There is a man who lives near my younger daughter's daycare who we call Roto Rooter Man, as he is always walking around carrying jugs of drinking water and scream-singing about how the CIA, FBI, and possibly Santa Claus are "agents of capitalism" who in league with Roto Rooter and are "listening to everything you say" and they "come up through your pipes, that's how they get you." This is interspersed with the Roto Rooter jingle and, during December, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
My kids have always taken him in stride--"oh yeah, that's just Roto Rooter Man, he's crazy"--but they got *really* weirded out when I had to actually call Roto Rooter to come to our house last week to deal with a sewer backup and I had to explain what Roto Rooter actually was and did. So I got nothing here.
tee hee 🤭 (at your kids' confusion, not the guy to be clear)
In Bossypants it was a weird sort of a thrill to hear Tina Fey mention a man everyone in my town called "Bicycle Helmet Man" because if you walked by him he'd engage you very earnestly for a long time about how important it is to wear a helmet because he got into a bike accident years ago and sustained brain damage and you don't want to be like him. (I mean; good message, true!) A lot of us were like--we know him!!
This was so helpful. I really appreciate it.
Kids are way more observant than we give them credit for, so tough questions from them are always around the corner. Thanks so much for writing about this, in as nuanced a fashion as possible.
Thank you!
This was a heavy topic but I appreciated all of the nuanced answers and strategies.
thank you! I still wish I had a better strategy for when I see multiple people asking for $ outside a grocery store (who do you prioritize?) and people at intersections (scary). But being human and trying not to avoid eye contact is maybe an OK place to start.
I’m so grateful for this resource! We live in an area with lots of unhoused folks. My kiddo is 3 and hasn’t asked many hard-to-answer questions yet, but I figure it’s a matter of time. Thank you for this!!
thank you so much!
I’ve been looking high and low for good advice on this topic! This was so helpful
thank you!! I'm glad you found it helpful. it took me a long time to pull this together and consolidate it and I was really nervous about doing it wrong. metaphor for life!