Ditching the zero('s last name)

oh good, more admin stuff

Today’s issue is on the process of changing your name back, if you choose, after getting divorced. This was inspired by seeing a friend of mine asking for advice on maneuvering the system in Illinois, where we live:

Witches who have changed your name...what is the first step? I really want to go back to my maiden name and wondering if the social security office is the first place.

I know I am preaching to the choir here, but this is just another place where the chips are stacked against women. So. many. fees. to change your name on every document.

I asked a few witches who changed their name post-divorce and what that was like for them. Laws vary state to state (to country) so please do not use this issue as legal advice.

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“I just did it! What a pain in the ass. The social security part is the easiest. And it’s free. I did that first (you need your certified divorce decree, and the settlement agreement that, hopefully, says you can go back to your maiden name.) Getting the certified judgment was a pain, because our divorce was via Zoom. The driver’s license is easy once you have your Social Security card. Bank cards were easy (need the same info as the Social Security card, and your new license.) Some airlines/loyalty programs are a pain. I emailed my documentss to American and called a few days later. United was easiest — they had me upload everything while I was on the phone with them. I still haven’t been able to reach Delta. I can’t change my TSA/known traveler until I change my passport. No one seems to know which form to complete so I hoped for the best and mailed it off. Then I need to go to the airport to deal with the TSA. Every day something new comes up. Auto title, auto insurance, etc. And then I weigh the pros and cons of dealing with it or keeping it the same. So, in a nutshell, the only thing I would call ‘expensive’ is the passport. Everything else just takes patience and time.”

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“What fucking sucks is that you can’t use your own goddamn name again legally until the divorce is final final and you have the certificate to change all your shit back. It feels like you should be able to use your birth certificate but nope. However, if you are signing up for something new that you need an ID for, your passport can be your friend IF you got it in your birth name and changed it to your married name before you have to renew. When you do that, the passport office prints a revision in the back pages reflecting your new married name, but the main ID page stays the same until you have to fully renew (every 10 years). So you can just flash that as usual. This is how I registered for grad school with the name I wanted eight months before my divorce was final.”

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“I know this is moot for you now, but for any future witches who go through divorce: write it into the divorce. That’s what I did and it made things a whole lot easier.”

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“I finalized my divorce in January in January 2022 and am still in the throes of my excitement over getting my last name back. Ex-husband and I have a daughter who is now 5. She has his last name, so initially, I thought I’d keep my married name after the divorce for my daughter’s sake. It seems like a fairly popular choice (my own mom kept my dad’s name after divorce), and one less existential change for my daughter to deal with. There’s also the notion that our last names should match so our relation is never legally questioned. The divorce took a transformative 2 years, and by the end of it, my married name felt alien to me — I was not that person anymore. A few weeks before signing the decree, I decided to take my maiden name back. The bliss I felt when I reclaimed my name was a surprise. It felt like I had given myself a gift. The custody and child support can always be fought over again in the future, but the name decision was Mine. I explained to my daughter that I would be using the name I had before I was married — the name that I used when I was her age — and she was, understandably, upset. On numerous occasions, she said, ‘but if our last names don't match we won't be in the same family anymore.’ Of course this pulled on my heartstrings; this kid was just put through a really difficult pandemic divorce. But I told her that nothing would ever stop me from being her mom (and gave her examples of family members like grandparents who do not share her last name). It took a few months, but now she seems used to it and genuinely well-adjusted. I have yet to experience any real administrative issues in us having different last names. We traveled internationally this summer, and I made sure to pack a copy of her birth certificate just in case. 

Reclaiming my maiden name has defined this new chapter of my life as one where I take control of my own happiness. My maiden name is on my professional degrees, and admissions to practice law that I earned before getting married, and it feels great to use my name professionally again. If I ever got remarried, I would not change it. Days of tears, many thousands of dollars, and self transformation went into the divorce. I earned my name back through the experience, and want to do it justice. 

The administrative reality of changing your name on Everything In Life is time consuming. I started with my driver’s license, then passport, then Social Security card. I made a list of every bank, credit card, utility, investment, insurance account, membership, etc. that I have, and made a point to change my name on at least 1 of them per day until it was done. Having a scanned copy of your divorce decree to email/upload to various accounts will be necessary. 

I wish that I had thought more deeply about my daughter’s last name when she was born. We defaulted to her father’s name, not knowing (but I had an inkling) that one day she would be in my custody 100% of the time. To me, her last name feels a bit like a harbinger of the past. But when she’s older I’m sure she will make it all her own.”

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“In retrospect my advice would be not to change it in the first place because it’s suuuuuuuch a pain to change it back. And in some states if you want to switch to a name that isn’t your “maiden” name (wtf is that term?) it’s $1000 extra! #smashthepatriarchy”

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This is Claire again. I also spoke to a few family law attorneys about what they advise women on changing their names. First was Taryn Zimmerman in New Jersey, who shared the fun fact with me that the hottest times of the year for divorce lawyers tend to be back-to-school and New Years.

“There are different points during the divorce process where I have the conversation about last names. When you file a complaint, you can add a paragraph to give you the right to resume a prior name, or assume a new name. You don’t have to follow through with it; you’re just asking the court to do it upon the final judgment of divorce. Some people don’t plead it in the complaint. I’ll say to them, ‘You don’t have to do it now, but if you wake up one day 20 years from now, at least you have that judgment of divorce allowing you to march right into Social Security and get a new card.’

But if people don’t reserve that right in the divorce process, you’ve got to go about it a different way; at least in New Jersey you have to go to a separate part of the court, not the family court. It’s just as long as you’re in the divorce process, why not just reserve it now? Maybe your kids are little and you want to keep your married name until they graduate high school or college, you never have to talk to a lawyer again. It’s a simpler road ahead that way. I have a client right now who wants to resume her maiden name but she's Polish so there are a lot of consonants and she wants to spell it easier. I was like, ‘We can change how it’s spelled.’

If not, you have to go to court for a court order. If you hire a lawyer, there are fees involved.

The things my clients often consider are, Do they have little kids, and do they want their kid’s friends to refer to them as Mrs. X? Another issue is where clients have always hated their spouse’s last name, and they wanted to go back to their maiden name. One person just assumed an entirely new last name out of nowhere. Some people don’t bother because they know they’re getting remarried.”

I also chatted with Skokie-based family attorney Rita Ghose about what she’s seen in her line of work:

“One thing I’ve told clients is that if they’re going to change their name back, do it all the way or no way. That’s come up, where they’ve changed their name on their Social Security but not their driver’s license. There was a case recently where I didn’t put the decree in the order [because we assumed she didn’t change her name when they got married.] It turns out that she had started changing her name once she got married and she didn’t take all the steps. She goes to refinance in her name on her social versus her driver's license trip and then has to go through the process of changing her legal name. My lesson there is that regardless, even if someone keeps their name, I think it’s a good idea even in those cases to put it in the decree that they have the right to use their former name.

[Changing your name] is a very personal decision and when people have kids it’s even more personal. You’re thinking, ‘We haven’t been open about our relationship split at school and now people will know,’ or ‘My kid is at an age where they're young, and they’re learning their own name. Dad’s name is one name, and Mom’s name is another— how is that going to feel?’

The other thing that has sometimes come up is when an ex spouse mandates she change her name. That’s not allowed in Illinois. The way it’s written in the judgment for divorce, it specifically says that so and so has the right to resume use of his or her former name at his or her sole discretion. Nobody can compel you to change your name. I had a client whose spouse was really angry about that because he was angry with her. ‘She left me: She doesn’t have the right to use my name anymore.’ Well, actually she does.

I’ve had clients where the husband and wife both changed their names to hyphenated names. I’ve had cases where they weren’t married but the child had a combined last name and they came up with a third name that was creative and fun but then turned out to be, when she broke up with this guy, she was like “Now, looking back...’ People do a lot of different things.

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End credits

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A reader recently asked if I’d consider doing an issue on ethical nonmonogamy and I replied I have but assumed nobody would want to talk to me about it. But maybe some of you do! If you are a parent with kids at home who is in the lifestyle and are up for talking anonymously about how you make it work, let me know.

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