I have no affiliation, but I thought people might want to know about the plethora of name change services that work for weddings and divorces. Here's one:
I never changed my last name b/c we were young, having an unusual last name, which mine is, was helpful in the career I was in at that time, he didn’t want to change his name at all and I felt very much like I wasn’t doing annoying paperwork, if he wasn’t doing annoying paperwork, and he didn’t care if I changed my name. Fast forward decades and two kids who have his last name and I have never once in my life traveled with their birth certificates or done anything to prove they’re mine. I guess I was just planning to threaten to leave them with whoever questions my relationship to them?!
Hey! I changed my name back without even getting divorced! It was a pain. I had to fill out and file legal name change paperwork I found online, appear before a judge, run a notice of my name change in a local paper for three consecutive weeks, and go back to court to make to official. That's before getting a new social security card and driver's license. All in it was about $600 but this was years ago and court fees may have gone up. This was in Illinois. My biggest observation was that the process was complicated. I messed up the paperwork several times to the point that I was embarrassed to tell the judge I am actually a lawyer. If the process was that hard for someone like me who is trained in this system, I'm sure therr are others who are deterred from completing or even starting it. The other thing I noticed when I was in court was that it was only women going through the process (many with children) which of course was infuriating. It goes without saying that if men had to jump through these hoops, the hoops wouldn't exist. Overall, it was hard to change my name back and kind of weird to do while still married, but I am SO SO SO glad I did it. I love having my own last name that's different from my husband and daughter (though it gives me a thrill when people get confused and call my husband Mr. MYLASTNAME). Changing my name back felt like a reclaiming of my pre-marriage identity, which I now know is an identity I will fight to protect.
Another story about a name change without a divorce, similar to SJF: my partner and I wanted to have the same name (one that neither of us was born with)… but we only chose one a couple of years into marriage. Went through the filing, four weeks of notice in the newspaper, and appearing in court required in our state that cost about $1000 at the time and would have been free if we had done it when we got married. We could both do it at once so at least it was one fee for both of us.
So a tip: if you want to modify your name, either both changing to the same one or even just adding or removing a space or hyphen or changing whatever else in only one of your names—-it’s way more affordable to do it directly on your marriage certificate. No extra fees our court filings or court appearances, and probably not only in this state.
Plus, a note: a less gendered way of calling the name you’re born with (as my partner found when trying to describe his) is “birth name”.
Your friendly HR person firmly echoes the "do it all the way or no way" advice. Employers have to use what's on the social security card - there's no 'preferred last name' option, and professionally that can be very confusing. Not to mention the passport option for an i-9 when starting a new job, if the name on your SSN and License doesn't match your other ID, it's a big hassle. So, if you are keeping one name professionally but another for your taxes, be so so so up front about it with your payroll admin/hr. That's an IRS thing more than an "HR is mean and I hate them" thing.
I returned to my maiden name after I divorced my first husband. What a pain in the tush that was. When I got married to my current husband, there was no way I was changing again. Funny story: His sisters were so excited that I was going to be a "Smith." All the sisters had never changed their names when they got married!
While I’m still on my second marriage and thankfully never had to go through my own name change saga I did decide to change my kids names a couple years ago after my second (a girl) was born. We had given our first his father’s name (for reasons related to scarcity of his name? idk) and have him my last name as a second middle name so at least it would show up on his passport. We did the same for my daughter because (shrug). But it started gnawing at me… why is my last name their second middle (I.e. a technicality never to be uttered or recognized) so we decided to change and give them two last names. Then they can decide how they want to deal with that when it comes time. Found out Parents can change kids names pretty painlessly before they are 12 but afterward there’s an extra step of child’s consent. Kid name changes are also obviously easier because they don’t have too many administrative or legal links so just Social Security, Bank, and School. Also meant my son moved up in the “alphabetical” order that drives all things elementary school so everyone’s happy in the end
Resource from a reader:
I have no affiliation, but I thought people might want to know about the plethora of name change services that work for weddings and divorces. Here's one:
https://www.hitchswitch.com/other-types-of-name-change.
I never changed my last name b/c we were young, having an unusual last name, which mine is, was helpful in the career I was in at that time, he didn’t want to change his name at all and I felt very much like I wasn’t doing annoying paperwork, if he wasn’t doing annoying paperwork, and he didn’t care if I changed my name. Fast forward decades and two kids who have his last name and I have never once in my life traveled with their birth certificates or done anything to prove they’re mine. I guess I was just planning to threaten to leave them with whoever questions my relationship to them?!
Hey! I changed my name back without even getting divorced! It was a pain. I had to fill out and file legal name change paperwork I found online, appear before a judge, run a notice of my name change in a local paper for three consecutive weeks, and go back to court to make to official. That's before getting a new social security card and driver's license. All in it was about $600 but this was years ago and court fees may have gone up. This was in Illinois. My biggest observation was that the process was complicated. I messed up the paperwork several times to the point that I was embarrassed to tell the judge I am actually a lawyer. If the process was that hard for someone like me who is trained in this system, I'm sure therr are others who are deterred from completing or even starting it. The other thing I noticed when I was in court was that it was only women going through the process (many with children) which of course was infuriating. It goes without saying that if men had to jump through these hoops, the hoops wouldn't exist. Overall, it was hard to change my name back and kind of weird to do while still married, but I am SO SO SO glad I did it. I love having my own last name that's different from my husband and daughter (though it gives me a thrill when people get confused and call my husband Mr. MYLASTNAME). Changing my name back felt like a reclaiming of my pre-marriage identity, which I now know is an identity I will fight to protect.
I am changing my name to Claire Zulkey.
Another story about a name change without a divorce, similar to SJF: my partner and I wanted to have the same name (one that neither of us was born with)… but we only chose one a couple of years into marriage. Went through the filing, four weeks of notice in the newspaper, and appearing in court required in our state that cost about $1000 at the time and would have been free if we had done it when we got married. We could both do it at once so at least it was one fee for both of us.
So a tip: if you want to modify your name, either both changing to the same one or even just adding or removing a space or hyphen or changing whatever else in only one of your names—-it’s way more affordable to do it directly on your marriage certificate. No extra fees our court filings or court appearances, and probably not only in this state.
Plus, a note: a less gendered way of calling the name you’re born with (as my partner found when trying to describe his) is “birth name”.
Your friendly HR person firmly echoes the "do it all the way or no way" advice. Employers have to use what's on the social security card - there's no 'preferred last name' option, and professionally that can be very confusing. Not to mention the passport option for an i-9 when starting a new job, if the name on your SSN and License doesn't match your other ID, it's a big hassle. So, if you are keeping one name professionally but another for your taxes, be so so so up front about it with your payroll admin/hr. That's an IRS thing more than an "HR is mean and I hate them" thing.
I returned to my maiden name after I divorced my first husband. What a pain in the tush that was. When I got married to my current husband, there was no way I was changing again. Funny story: His sisters were so excited that I was going to be a "Smith." All the sisters had never changed their names when they got married!
While I’m still on my second marriage and thankfully never had to go through my own name change saga I did decide to change my kids names a couple years ago after my second (a girl) was born. We had given our first his father’s name (for reasons related to scarcity of his name? idk) and have him my last name as a second middle name so at least it would show up on his passport. We did the same for my daughter because (shrug). But it started gnawing at me… why is my last name their second middle (I.e. a technicality never to be uttered or recognized) so we decided to change and give them two last names. Then they can decide how they want to deal with that when it comes time. Found out Parents can change kids names pretty painlessly before they are 12 but afterward there’s an extra step of child’s consent. Kid name changes are also obviously easier because they don’t have too many administrative or legal links so just Social Security, Bank, and School. Also meant my son moved up in the “alphabetical” order that drives all things elementary school so everyone’s happy in the end
Here for the solo "errand" lunch.