Parents who still love each other
I got this question over the holidays—
Asking for a friend--what have you done/said when a kid walks in on you having sex??
—and of course the stories are ::chef’s kiss::.
“My friend once got walked in on when her husband was going down on her and the kid said ‘Mommy, why was Daddy smelling that??’ And he said ‘I was helping Mommy change her socks!’”
“My cousin had that happen and her husband said ‘Mommy was doing a lice check on me.’
“Why was Mama breathing like that?” “She was having a bad dream!”
“We’ve learned to lock the door. There were little people knocking the last 2 times we’ve honked.”
“I found my mom's lube once when I was visiting from college. She just laughed and told me to be glad she and my dad still liked each other.”
“We have put a small bedroom storage stool up against our door, which doesn't lock. Nobody has tried to enter while the bench is there which is good because we haven't come up with a story yet about why the stool would be there.”
“I found my mom’s diaphragm when I was like 7 and snooping around in her room. I remember just silently backing away, horrified, sure it had SOMETHING to do with sex but not positive exactly how.”
“My daughter walked in on me and my husband when she was 3, and he blurted out, ‘Daddy's wrestling with Mommy!’ Daughter looked doubtful but seemed to buy it.”
“I found (and unwrapped) my parent's condoms when I was like 4 and my dad (who is totally horrified to discuss anything related to sex) told me they were covers for hangers so they won't squeak on the curtain rod. Given that condoms cost an arm and a leg and were super hard to buy at the time, I am shocked I didn't get a stern talking to.”
“A friend recently told me about her 9 year old daughter walking in on her husband. Unfortunately the sole upstairs bathroom is located off the parents room, so kids have to trespass to enter. On such an evening around midnight the couple (having been imbibing, so perhaps the auditory perception was numbed) was in the act. My friend was startled when her daughter tapped her on the shoulder and asked, ‘Mommy, are you all right?’ Mommy screamed and rolled on her side and explained that daddy was just tickling Mommy. To which the child responded, ‘It sounded like it hurt!’”
“Once when we were traveling, my youngest stepdaughter (then about 14) found my travel bottle of lube. It wasn't marked or anything.
Her: ‘What's this?’
Me: ‘Oh, just some gel.’
Her: ‘What kind of gel? Hair gel?’
Me: ‘Yeah, hair gel.’
Her, accusingly: ‘It's vagina gel, isn't it?’”
“My wife walked in on her parents and locked in on full eye contact with her mom. Who was on top. It definitely scarred her. Also, she was 17. So it was her fault (no knocking!!)”
“I prevent this from ever happening by just not having sex.”
Thank you for reading Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. If you have any questions, ideas, suggested topics or questions about submissions, you can reply right to this email. If you know someone who'd like this sort of thing in their inbox about once or twice a week, go ahead and spread the word and please encourage any and all folks to subscribe. You can follow Evil Witches via Instagram or Twitter. If you want to support this independent ad/sponsor-free work and get some extra content and access to subscriber-only discussion threads where we cover important issues of the day like the pettiest fights we had over the holidays and soft bras, please become a paid subscriber:
If you want something to read that’s not Twitter today, here are a few of the top public posts from 2020:
The people in the Sundance catalog don’t know yet, by Kelly McNees.