When your kid says a heartbreaking thing to you about their body

And you want to tell them they're perfect but you know they won't believe you

This image is not related to today’s content aside from the fact that it’s what parenting makes you feel like sometimes

A witch friend of mine shared the question below with a few friends and me. It is a situation pretty universal to all former girls and parents of girls and non-girls as well of course. She got some wonderful feedback from two moms that I’d like to share with you, one being Virginia Sole-Smith, editor of Burnt Toast, the essential newsletter for parents/people looking for intelligent, compassionate, witty anti-diet reporting and opinions. (Virginia is a friend of the newsletter, so she is hooking you up with a discount if you subscribe—and you should!)

This isn’t an exhaustive list of tips, but some perspective I thought was so kind and also realistic and intelligent, a reference we can all use probably someday with our kids if not ourselves.

Q: The day I have been dreading since I found out I was pregnant has arrived. Last night, my daughter (11) came into my room and said, “I know you want me to like ‘embrace myself,’ but I want to lose weight.” UGH. This child is perfect just as she is. She is in the deep throes of puberty, and her body is changing and shifting- AS IT SHOULD. I am having a really hard time managing my projections and know that I am SO DAMN LUCKY that she is talking to me....but also, I am devastated and I need help. How the hell do I say the right thing here? I am so scarred from a lifetime of the women in my life making me feel like my body was bad that I can’t think straight. I need a script on what to say, I am so scared to fuck this one up.

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Here’s the advice from Witch #1:

“I would want to ask her why she wants to lose weight and what would change in her life if she lost weight. Was she telling you she wants to go on a diet? Or telling you she’s unhappy about her body?

When my daughter gained weight in college, I bought her new clothes, especially new jeans, because, as we all know, not having clothes that fit comfortably and are flattering makes everything worse. I did it a bunch of times because her size changed a lot. I also bought new bras a bunch of times as her sizes changed.

It sounds like she was being snarky about ‘embrace yourself.’ Which, you know, she’s 11, so snark is expected. Maybe ‘embrace yourself’ is not the kind of conversation she wants right now. Maybe some more realism? Like, ‘It is really, really hard to embrace yourself, no matter what size and weight you are in this reality. Because of the terrible messages we all get all the time, it’s really hard to be happy with your body, no matter what your body looks like.’ Maybe she wants commiseration and understanding about her feelings. Because we all pretty much feel like that all the time. It’s the swamp we live in, we can’t escape it.

However, dieting is not only mentally and physically unhealthy and doesn’t work in the long run, but it also doesn’t fix those feelings about your body. Being more active may make you feel better about some things, and getting stronger may make you feel better in some ways, but fucking fatphobia is so prevalent in the world we live in it’s almost impossible to get it out of your head.”

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And here’s Virginia’s input:

“I agree with the above. It’s huge that she told you. I worry MUCH MORE about the kids who feel this way and don’t talk to their parents (because that’s usually because they know on some level that their parents don’t accept their body/would encourage trying to change it).

Definitely validate that this world makes it so hard to have a body, and we all feel this way. Body neutrality can be a more realistic goal for a lot of kids (and all of us).

Make it crystal clear that you don’t want her or need her to change, no matter what the world says. You could even say, ‘It’s okay that you can’t embrace your body right now. I get that feels hard. But I embrace it now and always. We don’t want you to be any smaller or different.’ The NUMBER ONE thing I hear from adults who were bullied for weight or otherwise struggled with accepting their size as kids was that all they really wanted was for the home to be the safe space. Even if she’s expressing this desire to change — what she’s really saying is, ‘Am I okay the way I am?’ And she needs you to say HELL YES.

I wouldn’t talk about food (even in positive/all foods fit ways) or exercise (even in joyful movement ways) when she’s actively feeling negative about her body because it’s too fucking easy for her to turn any of that into a diet or a suggestion that maybe actually she should change/be smaller.

Instead, I would focus on who the bad guy is making her feel like garbage: Diet culture and fatphobia. Talk about who or what triggers her body anxiety and help her understand why that’s not her fault. Maybe she needs support navigating some toxic friend shit or a shitty coach.

Eleven also seems old enough to start listening to Maintenance Phase or following awesome fat-positive people on social media. That will help her connect this to other social justice issues she cares about, which can be super empowering.

Oh, and books! For 11, Starfish and Fat Chance Charlie Vega are both spectacular.”

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Witches, sending love to you and your kids. Having a body, let alone helping support someone else’s body, can be so much. If you have anything to add from your own experiences with your kids or as a kid that helped you steer away from or gain a good perspective on navigating the fatphobic world, please let us know.

And again, do subscribe to Virginia’s valuable Substack.

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One witchy thing

Molly McNearney @mollymcnearney

The key to getting your kids to bed on time is to start the nighttime routine roughly four days prior.