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A collaboration with Oldster Mag: advice to new grandparents on what helps
Today I’m sharing a piece with
, the editor and creator behind , a newsletter about the experiences that come with getting. Lots of you Evil Witches readers shared invaluable advice and experiences in the piece below and I thought some of Sari’s readers might appreciate them and have some of their own.When I learned that a woman from my workout class was soon to be a first-time grandma, I gave her some (unsolicited) advice based on my own experiences: don’t comment on the new parents’ home décor the way my mom did when I was postpartum after my first child was born. Updating the fake flowers can wait.
Talking to a soon-to-be first-time grandparent made me curious about what my friends and newsletter community found their parents did for them that was helpful or unhelpful after they became first-time parents. So I asked my friends and my readers.
In corresponding with them, I found a lot of anecdotes illustrating what new grandparents should not do. But I also discovered that a lot of lucky first-time parents had parents of their own who supported the new families in a truly meaningful way, which made me reflect on the many ways my parents are really good grandparents, early interior design commentary aside.
In case there are any new or soon-to-be grandparents among you Evil Witches or Oldster readers, here are some ways some of the readers of my newsletter felt truly supported as new parents:
“I will never forget my mother-in-law’s kindnesses to me when my son was a baby. They would arrange a visit through my husband and leave me out of it and then she would walk in and immediately fill the sink with soapy water and wash bottles and whatever dishes were there. I exclusively pumped [breast milk] for a year, and she took it upon herself to learn about it and gave me so much support that I didn’t know I needed. She’d had six kids and never once made any comments about how she raised six kids and knew whatever; she always asked me how we did things at our home, and how I wanted things to be done.”
“One thing I will always treasure is that my dad told me one day ‘You don’t have to leave the room to breastfeed. If you want me to leave, I will, but I am not uncomfortable about it. Just feed your baby how you need to,’ and it was really, really sweet.”
“I found it helpful to have my folks hear from a ‘third party expert’ - our whole family loves learning, so I sent them to a ‘new grandparent’ class at the local hospital. It was targeted exactly to them, people who had obviously raised kids but whose baby knowledge was decades old. It also covered how to handle the change of seeing your kid become a parent. It was really useful for everyone!”
“I think it’s really important for grandparents to recognize that the mom/birthing parent has just gone through a huge physical ordeal. I appreciated that my mom immediately checked on me and not the baby.”
“My mother should win an award for all-time best grandma. She was there for the births, she said she was proud of me, she went on and on about how cute my babies were, she did my dishes for me, she got me water, she offered to sleep over to serve as night nurse, she held the baby when I wanted her to, and she helped with cooking and cleaning when she wasn’t holding the baby. Importantly, she took the time to tell me I was a great mother, that my instincts were good.”
“I find it helpful when the grandparents affirm that something is just hard. My dad once told me, quietly, during a visit when our 11-month-old was going through some kind of sleep regression/refusal/shit: ‘This is a hard time.’ And then he shut up. And it was lovely.”
“My parents live far away and when I was pregnant, my mom insisted that she would come and stay for a few weeks to help after my husband went back to work. I was really upset at first that she wasn’t going to be there when I gave birth and brought my twins home. However, she explained to me that she thought it was important that we have that time as our new little family of four. And she was so right! Those two weeks were tough but also magical! And it was amazing to have her stay with me once my husband was back at work, and I would have been alone all day with two babies.”
“The best thing my mom said post first baby was ‘Go sleep, we’re fine.’ I woke up an hour later and the baby was asleep and she was sweeping. Best thing she did post second baby was bring a recipe for stewed fruits to help me poop when I was constipated after labor.”
“Good: Noticing an activity nearby that might interest an older sibling and asking parents ahead of time if you can take Sibling to go do a fun thing out of the house for an hour. Bringing with you on a planned visit a couple of outfits for a larger size than the baby currently is, or a small pack of diapers. (Babies grow out of stuff SO SUDDENLY.)”
“My mother-in-law would come over three-ish times a week for just a couple hours at a time (key!) and do whatever I needed - hold the baby so I could sleep or shower, do the laundry, clean, wash bottle/pump parts, load/unload the dishwasher. After initially asking and finding out what things I was comfortable with her doing, she would just do any chores needed, which was great because I know I wouldn’t have contributed or asked her for help. She would leave as soon as she felt like she was no longer helpful to ‘get out of my hair.’ It was so huge in terms of maintaining a sense of normalcy and feeling like myself to have my house in order (especially with the second kid). Truly a gift. My father-in-law is the cook and would make us meals regularly for several months - well past the initial meal train days.”
“One thing that my in-laws did, which I appreciated, is that they generally kept their mouths shut if/when we did things they didn’t agree with or were weirded out by. For example, the first time I breastfed my kid in public around my father-in-law was at a Chili’s; I draped a blanket over myself and got going, and when he realized what I was doing, I could tell by his face that he was absolutely freaking the fuck out, but he didn’t say a word.”
“My mother-in-law bought my kid a lot of clothes because she knows my partner and I hate clothes shopping; but she’s also cognizant that he’s getting older and has his own opinions on clothes, so she asks him/me/us what he wants to wear now.”
Of course, if you’re dying for some “don’ts,” there were a few recurring examples of unhelpfulness that turned up in our discussions:
First-time grandparent? Don’t…
Make unannounced visits
Express disagreement or dismay if your children get and practice parenting advice that runs counter to what you did as a new parent
Comment critically on the new parents’ bodies or what they eat
Comment critically on the new parents’ housekeeping
Expect the new parents to serve you food or host a family event
Question the existence of postpartum depression or colic
Resist letting other people hold the baby or suggest the baby doesn’t need to go to sleep when the parent says it should
Share overly-sentimental memories of your own time breastfeeding or parental leave; the new parents may be struggling with not having similar experiences
Rearrange the new parents’ pantry if you’re staying with them after the baby comes home. (“I am still finding stuff seven years later. Who does that?”)
Your turn: Those of you who had kids, what was something your in-laws did that was helpful or not helpful? And if you’re a grandparent, what was your philosophy when your kids were new parents?
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My mother-in-law teaches that grandparenting class. When our first was born, she showed up with pajama pants for me, 3 stools to make breastfeeding easier/comfier in any room, (stolen?) hospital-grade hand sanitizer for our visitors, and a diaper bag for my husband. She also bought gifts for the baby, but she saw us as people and tried to support our own needs. Love that woman.
I was pleased at the time, but every year my sense of joy at her generosity and good sense has doubled. I absolutely plan to treat my future children-in-law like she treats me.
As new parents, we didn't want/need anyone to come over and hold our baby. Holding the baby is the easy, fun part. What we needed was someone to do all the things that you can't easily do while holding a baby: laundry, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, etc. My stepmom was everything our birth moms were not. When they came to visit for a week, she came in quietly and did it all without us even having to ask. My dad ran all the errands, brought all the food, and said things like this regularly: " [New baby] is amazing, but watching you become a mom is even more amazing." I cried a lot of happy, grateful tears that week.